SPOOF CHASE PRODUCTIONS
(http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/)
PRESENTS...
[ Slayers Demiurge ]
one
A Slayers Fanfic Series by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(Certain characters copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi,
obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that those
were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small
cell where I'd be forced to eat my own writer's block to live.)
Check out the web center with fanart and more, at
--> http://pixelscapes.com/slayers/demiurge <--
-=-
Author's Foreword. I'll try to keep brief so you can get to the
story. ^_^
This is not a series that starts after Slayers Trilogy; it's
after Try, branching off straight continuity... although if
you're expecting Original Flavor, it's not quite that either,
while definitely being similar. You'll see.
Those of you familiar with Trilogy know the drill; episodes are
developed live and online at the web page, so those inclined can
read the works in progress and comment -- comments I use to help
shape the story. Finished copy in text format is posted to the
FFML and RAAC. Choose your preferred method and off we go!
(All commentary to twoflowr@pixelscapes.com -- which is not the
addy I post to the FFML under, peez note. Keep all hands inside
the car while in motion.)
-=-
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time there was a young girl named Lina Inverse.
But you knew that already, didn't you? She is a legend, tried
and true, a folk hero, a feared enemy, and a myth so widespread
that Random Q. Peasant is more likely to have heard her name than
Shaburanigdo's.
Of course, depending on who you ask, they could react the
same way as if you had said Shaburanigdo, the demon king.
(Assuming you believed in Shaburanigdo. Many didn't.)
To some, Lina robs from the rich and gives to herself, which
isn't all that bad since those rich bastards deserved it anyway.
To others, Lina storms in and blows everything up and takes
everything not detonated, but they're all criminals and what
whining they do doesn't matter.
Perhaps some proving examples are in order, before the fairy
tale truly begins.
------------
one part one
------------
For starters, there's one sect which has a legitimate,
justified reason to fear the legendary Lina Inverse...
Not that the head chef at the Golden Roast Side of Meat had
a Lina-oriented worry, when he walked into his brand spanking new
restaurant on a fateful Monday morning. This was, after all, his
day to shine, to show the culinary world his art at the finest
level of perfection, sauces so sweet as to draw a bee from a
flower, meats so tender to make a poet weep... and prices so low,
it'd blow his competition away.
Yes, for one day only, Grand Opening, the first day, it was
All You Can Eat.
"Fire up the ovens!" the chef shouted, gesturing
dramatically with a soup ladle, which wasn't as impressive as an
army general's lance but would have to do. "Bake the bread!
Cook the soup! We open in minutes, and we must be ready to face
the customer with a smile and an appetizer! Soon, my legions, we
will RULE THE RESTAURANT WORLD!"
"...uh.. boss?"
"Yes, what is it, Harold?"
"It's Howard," the young, zit-faced intern said. "And, sir,
no disrespect, I mean, we all understand your vision for the
future of culinary art, but... well, me and the others were
talking--"
"Spit it out, Harold. A good bowl of chowder doesn't make
itself and you're on company time."
"We want you to take down the sign advertising All You Can
Eat," Howard summarized. "It's bad luck."
"'Bad luck'?" the Chef Overlord asked. Perking an eyebrow.
"You stand in the mightiest kitchen in all of Sailoon and you
worry about luck? We need no luck! God is on our side!
FORWARD, MINIONS!"
"No no, it's not the kitchen," Howard said. "It's, you
know... it's her. I mean, EVERYBODY who's anybody in the
restaurant business knows you don't go and advertise all you can
eat on opening day, because if you do... SHE will come. You
know. Dare not say her name, and all. You know?"
The head chef tapped the ladle against his leg, thinking.
Then it hit him. "What, that old wives tale?" he asked. "Bah!
Don't trouble me with such nonsense. Lina Inverse does not exist!
She's just a story concocted by our rivals worldwide to scare us
out of DESTROYING them--"
There was a knock at the front door.
"Ah, our first customer! I shall greet him personally!" the
chef decided, vaulting over the salad bar and dashing to the
door.
He opened it, the little bells jingling merrily as he did,
and smiled away.
[*]
Four hours later, the little bells jangled again, as the
patron made her exit.
The force of the door closing was too much strain for the
poor solid oak table, which splintered and snapped in half from
the sheer weight of stacked empty dishes. Those dishes then
shattered on the floor, adding insult to injury to financial
ruin.
The head chef, circles under his eyes, a few new wrinkles to
his skin, stared wide-eyed in horror. A restaurant full of
patrons, all waiting for their meals, but all the food had been
EATEN... eaten by that... that...
He was ruined.
The chef tore the puffy hat from his head, threw it on the
ground, and stomped on it repeatedly.
"CURSE YOU, LINA INVERSE!!"
[*]
Not that restaurant owners were the only ones who had
something to fear from Lina Inverse. Even those of supposed Pure
Science had a few issues with her...
Elsewhere, you see, in the blackest stygian abyss of the
depravity of the soul, or at least a few miles from it, dark
rites were being performed by men defiant to the will of God,
skirting the edge of sanity, twisting the darkness to shape their
motive into etc. etc. etc.
Despite being utterly cliche, it WAS an impressive sight.
A cavern, buried a mile underground, leagues away from the
nearest city of Darata, five hundred feet by five hundred feet
square. Extensive deathtraps were placed all along a
near-endless maze, to ensure nobody made it this far; and if they
did, the intricate series of mechanical whirling blades, spikes,
razors and projectiles set around the priceless object would
crush/kill/vaporize/liquefy/solidify/crush them all over again on
sight.
On top of all that, even if they DID survive all that and
made a grab for the cage where the treasure was held... the
treasure would be destroyed before they reached it, so the
would-be thief could do little but kick themselves for ever
coming down here. Even the one who created these traps could
never touch the artifact again.
Lord Noisemaker of the Dark Sect of Alchemists wouldn't have
it any other way.
"I don't get it," his considerably less evil apprentice
said. "You set it up so, like, the artifact gets destroyed if
ANYONE takes it?"
"Of course, lad. I've explained this to you already."
"But it still doesn't make any sense, master. I mean, you
spent thirty years making it, right?"
"Thirty long, hard years," Lord Noisemaker said, clenching a
fist. "Studying the black texts of mythology and lies until my
eyes grew red and bloodshot. Researching the behaviors of the
genuine beasts first hand, coming close to death each time.
Thirty years of backbreaking effort, to compile the single
greatest collection of information on animals, beasts, monsters,
gods, demons and Mazoku ever seen by human eyes! Embodied in a
single stone shell of raw Orihalcon! Perfection in design and
utility!!"
"And that IS the only copy, right?"
"Don't be daft, lad, it's not the kind of reference guide
you copy off and sell in the supermarket next to the farmers
almanacs."
"Then why make it so nobody can ever use it again?"
Lord Noisemaker grew frustrated. "For the IRONY, you
nitwit! Haven't I taught you anything? If you compile such a
powerful codex and then ensure nobody can ever use it for the
rest of time while it sits protected and just beyond reach, the
little buggers will beat themselves silly in anger! The sheer
amount of idiots that'll die trying to get it will be the reward
in itself!"
The apprentice still didn't get it. "So why not put an
empty copy of it up there and keep that one for your own use?
It's not like anybody'll ever know, yeah? They'll believe it's
the real thing, and it'll still be ironic. Like, even more so,
or something. Yeah?"
"It's the principle of the matter," the Dark Alchemist
scoffed. "Belief is nothing compared to the reality of the world.
This is thaumatological science, m'boy, not a puppet show;
'belief' is not how we work. It's results that matter, the
reality, the facts and the truths. Not some flimsy concocted lie
that the yokels swear by in ignorance. Now pack up the equipment
and break out the map, I want to get home in time for a nice hot
bath."
"Fine, fine," the younger alchemist said, starting to stuff
various magical items into a sack. "Lina Inverse will take it,
anyway. Always happens with hard to get at treasure. One time
my cousin Marvin says he buried a thousand in gold on a desert
island, and it turned up gone the next--"
Lord Noisemaker bopped the apprentice over the head with his
ceremonial staff with a knob on the end of it.
"WHAT did I just tell you?" he roared. "Don't go spreading
that superstitious nonsense around here! Lina Inverse doesn't
exist -- no simple girl could defeat Shaburanigdo, as they say
she has, nor could she find the Clair Bible or beat the
demon-beast Zanaffar or anything of that sort! And even if she
did exist, she'd never succeed in getting it out of my traps! No
mortal can!"
"So where'd it go, then?"
At the center of the five thousand linked deathtraps was a
suspiciously empty cage, where the world's most accurate codex
arcanum once sat. The heavy door to the cavern quietly latched
shut, as if someone had just exited.
To say there was an awkward pause would be a grand
understatement.
"......that doesn't prove anything!" Lord Noisemaker noisily
shouted. "Anybody could have done that. We didn't see anything,
after all! Now let's go."
"Didn't you say no mortal could--"
"Shut up, boy, and resume packing. I've had a long day."
"What about the thirty years of backbreaking--"
And the Master did hit his Pupil on the head, and he was
enlightened.
[*]
As interesting as these examples are, historical types, when
you mention the history of Lina Inverse to them, will cite one
particular location as the nexus of her mythology. The most
proving explanation for her power, her rise to fame, her glory.
It was the country of her birth... Zefielia.
There are several reasons for this. First, the
concentration of magic floating in the astral plane or through
the ethereal void or the ley lines (depending on what school of
magic you ascribe to) is unusually high. Second, the amount of
warriors, crusaders, villains and mad wizards produced by
Zefielia each year rivals their second most profitable industry
(grapes of wrath).
In that country, the men are tough, the women are arguably
tougher, the lawyers have silver tongues (sometimes literally)
and the bandits are several degrees of difficulty higher than
your average thug. People who live and work here usually have a
higher importance in the world and get involved in history with
unnerving frequency. It's a land of heroes and anti-heroes.
So, if you were to take a look at a scene unfolding there,
you would see fifteen disreputable people of forcible monetary
reallocation circled around a young girl. A typical mugging.
Although the amount of trees that have been slashed clean
through, scorched by green flames (some of which still burning)
and a few stray body parts would suggest that this mugging
probably had a bit more foreplay than you'd usually see in your
typical highway robbing. History sat up and took notice. This
is where things REALLY started...
The bandit leader, however, made no note of anything special
-- because nothing was. "An average fight," he commented,
keeping his longsword's tip pressed to the girl's throat. "At
least I got some exercise. But you, missy, don't know who you're
dealing with. I'm wanted in six and a half countries! We're
some bad dudes, or at least extremely unkind, and I've been in
this business longer than you've been breathing air! But enough
of my longwinded monologue. You got something to say before we
continue to do unpleasant things?"
The young girl, wearing a mishmash of armor, her halberd
knocked aside, glared up at him. "You just got the jump on me,
is all! Roy Balderdash, you cowardly DOG! I'll be back to
collect the bounty on your head next time we meet, forsooth! You
haven't seen the LAST of--"
"No, no, no," Roy the Bandit King groaned, breaking out of
his tough guy routine in genuine irritation. "Look, this isn't
some backwoods dickwater country, where knights run around saying
'What ho!' and 'Forsooth!' okay? You live in ZEFIELIA, woman!
Show some pride! Cliched dialogue isn't going to cut the mustard
around here. Now try that again!"
"Huh?"
"Your taunt!" the bandit ordered, nudging with the
swordpoint. "Put some more originality into it. I can't take
you seriously if you're going to act like some green newbie.
Once more, with feeling!"
A large visible sweatdrop slid down the back of the girl's
head. "Ah... I'm new at this, okay? I mean, it's my third
quest, and I'd be on more of them if I didn't have to sneak out
of the house to--"
"TAUNT, damn you!"
"Y-You fight like a cow!" she blurted.
...Roy Balderdash (wanted in 6.5 countries) groaned, letting
down his sword point. "It's no good. I'm sorry. Look, kid,
you're not cut out for adventuring, okay? Go home to mommy and
daddy. Play with your dolls. Or at the very least, pick on
someone lower in the pecking order. There's only ONE mercenary
who's ever gotten the best of me, years ago -- and you're nowhere
near her level. Boys, we're out of here."
The whole gang turned to go, annoyed at the waste of their
time. The young would-be mercenary scowled, scooping up the
customized longstaff-blade, gesturing dramatically with it to the
leader.
"Stop treating me like a kid! And I'll have you know I have
very important parents! I'll train harder, and when I ret--"
In a swift snap of a muscled arm, the weapon went from
pointing dramatically to casually slung over the back of the
bandit king.
"I think it'd be best for everybody if we took this," he
said frankly. "You'd probably cut your own arm off with it at
the rate you're going, and I can't honestly abide by that."
"H-Hey! Wait, I made that!" she protested, losing her
bravado. "It's mine!"
"Eh, tell it to the judge," Roy suggested, walking off
calmly.
The adventuress... fumed. Turned red. Stomped her foot,
and said the first thing that occurred to her, a traditional
protest against folks who had just robbed you...
"I hope LINA INVERSE gets you!!"
The bandit spun around, shaking the halberd angrily.
"You think that scares me?!" he shouted, losing the cool he
had previously. "You think Lina Inverse scares me? Nobody's
seen Lina Inverse in these parts for years! No man, no woman, no
monster, no fairy tales scare me! Now GO HOME!"
Losing her nerve, the young girl ran off.
After a long pause, and with a prolonged sigh, Roy draped
the weapon over his shoulder again. "Kids today. No respect for
their elders, I tell you. C'mon, let's book."
A shadow watched from the treeline, as the bandits exited
stage left.
------------
one part two
------------
Bandit camps follow a very specific design.
You find a good, immovable object such as a cliff, mountain
or valley. Dig an underground area if there isn't a cave already
available. Erect a fence, guardposts. Staff with a hundred
swarthy lads with an itch for gold and a taste for blood.
Sprinkle parsley, simmer for twenty minutes.
Roy was a smart bandit; instead of digging out a hidey hole,
he just used a natural cave. First he had to run out all the
ravenous bears with claws the size of your rib cage, but that
didn't take too long, and the end result was a nice pile for
stolen booty.
He tossed today's findings onto the pile, keeping the weapon
he swiped from that girl to himself. Overviewed his holdings.
"It's not very much, is it?" Roy asked.
"Ah.. what, sir?" a subordinate responded, hoping this
wasn't the start of another one of those moods which ends in
dismemberment.
"This. It could be a lot more. It's not like there's any
real force opposing us. Remember that idiot hero who came
through, the one with six swords? Hah, took him out before he
got to blade number four. Or the sorceress with the ... well,
let's say very social attire. Handled. So why don't we have
more loot?"
"Er. Begging your pardon, sir..."
"Speak freely, Johnson."
"Maybe it's because every time we try to mug someone you get
bored and chicken out--"
After, Roy cleaned off his sword and ignored the arm on the
floor. "I wouldn't say chickened out," he corrected, politely.
"But yes... it's a good point. I can see boredom. We need a
challenge, something to really get us up and going. Wouldn't you
say?"
"Aaa... AAA! ..aa, yes sir, yes!!"
"Good, good. You really should eat more, you know, you're
white as a sheet," Roy said, tossing the sword away. He rarely
used the same weapon twice. "What I wouldn't give for a REAL
challenge right about now--"
An explosion rocked the camp, and the screaming and running
around waving swords began.
"What, already?" Roy wondered, twirling the stolen weapon
into position, largely ignoring his men who were for the most
part on fire or fleeing the scene. "The gods are prompt, I'll
give them that. Let's have some fun, lads! Lord Dynero of the
Holy Battle for Profit, don't fail me now!"
A shadowy figure -- because drama dictates that sort of
thing -- stood at the entrance to the cave, cape flapping gently
in the scorching hot winds that blew off what was left of the
camp.
"Door's open, come in," Roy suggested. "Let me guess. Sir
Roderick of Flan? No, no, too small. The Mad Wind Ninja of Ky?
I hope it's someone relatively interesting--"
The figure stepped into light, appeared in the haze. And
Roy Balderdash's grip on his weapon weakened instantly. For
once, his Zefielian country pride and cool disinterest in life in
general (and other people's lives in specific) collapsed like a
very quickly collapsing thing.
Light played off her orange hair quite nicely. The sun was
mostly obscured by the sack of recently obtained booty she was
toting, but despite that, there was no way to mistake her
identity...
"Hel-LOOO!" she cheered, waving. "I'm here to stomp you
into the dirt and take everything you have, Mr. Bandit. We can
do this the easy way... or the LINA INVERSE WAY!"
Purple and yellow outfit flappy cape short sword gray boots
and gloves long orange hair black headband no chest to speak of
knowing smirk sixteen years of age or so extremely dangerous....
"...you've got to be KIDDING me!" Roy shouted. "Lina
Inverse?!"
"If you call me 'the dragon spooker' or 'the enemy of all
who live' it's going to go really badly for you," Lina warned...
holding out one hand, as the flames of the camp twisted and bent
in unseen winds, gathering into a single shining ball of flame.
"Any last words? It's customary, you see."
"You're not her," Roy said quickly. Sure, some part of his
brain instinctively was telling him to flee and/or kill her or
both in reverse order, but his curiosity unfortunately won. "You
can't be her! You haven't aged a day!!"
Lina Inverse kept her fireball at bay; a simple enough task
for a sorceress as powerful as she was. "Hey, buddy, if that's
some crack about my size--"
"The gods have to be punishing me for wanting something
exciting to do. That's the only explanation, isn't it? An
anti-miracle! What ARE you? When I last.. met Lina was TWENTY
YEARS AGO!"
She hesitated. The fireball flickered.
The bandit twirled his weapon into the ready position...
wrapping an Astral Vine spell around the blade. (People in this
land didn't survive long if they weren't packing steel and
spell.) "I don't know who you are, but I'm not going to be
beaten by Lina Inverse or any cheap imitator of her TWICE in this
lifetime! Now DIE!"
Lina's focus snapped to attention, as she lobbed the
fireball, and tried a dodge... vision slowing, as the bandit
slashed through the spell easily with his charged weapon, blade
following through on the swing, coming at her as sure as an
arrow...
[*]
"...now, to recap," Lina summarized, stalking around the
tied-up bandit king, tapping the naginata she'd nicked off him
against her shoulder, "YOU say that it's twenty years or so since
I last kicked your ass all over the Lord of Nightmares's green
earth, right?"
Roy Balderdash wasn't quite sure how it'd happened.
He'd had the upper hand in the fight, and then... well, here
he was, captured with instant ease. Like someone went to Point C
while ignoring Points A and Point B and Point A.5. Lina had
gotten him just as easily as she had so long ago, when he was
just starting out in this business, even without that sword
toting lunk accompanying her. The gods definitely hated him
today.
Most men would fear for their lives at this new point. Roy
was just deathly embarrassed. Which was, in a lot of ways, far
worse.
"That's what I said. I was a younger idiot then, not the
old idiot I am now," Roy repeated, in an annoyed tone. "Look, if
you're going to capture me, at least do me the dignity of
torturing me or turning me into the authorities or something,
okay? This is humiliating. Besides, I'm not good at to this
whole hostage-answering-questions role--"
The blade of the staff pointed less than two centimeters
from his nose.
"It's patently ridiculous," Lina said. "I'd have NOTICED
something like twenty years passing. For example, I'd have to
replace my boots at least once, yes? I haven't. Same ones I
always had with the squeaky left heel. And there's no way I'm
forty years old, even if I do look younger than I am! So if
you're lying to save your skin--"
"I think we've established that my skin's already out of my
hands, yeah?" Roy said. "Would I lie to you? Strike that.
Would I lie to you in THIS situation? I just know what I know.
Where's that idiot swordsman, by the way?"
Lina looked around, seeming to want to answer that
question.. but quickly shrugged. "Gourry's probably around here
somewhere. He gets lost a lot. Hmm. Well, you're apparently
delirious, so I guess I'll just get on with looting your bandit
hideout and leave you alone."
Satisfied, Lina picked up her bag 'o previous plunder, and
started to walk off to Roy's pile 'o plunder to further slake her
thirst for profit. She twirled the staff up to carry it
easier...
"About time," Roy grumbled. "I swear, I'll never live this
down... Eh? Now what? Come on, get on with it!"
Lina turned again on the bandit, and pointed to the hilt of
the bladed staff.
"Where'd you get this thing?" she asked.
"What, that? It's not even a very good blade. Probably
couldn't cut mustard, let alone an enemy. I picked it off some
girl earlier, what's it to you?"
Lina twirled the weapon in her hand, to study it under the
light. Or rather, to study an inscription, written very neatly
by someone who intended for it to be large and readable to
others.
ANOTHER CUSTOMME BLADE OF FYNE P.G. MARKSEPERSONSHIPPE!! #1 IN A
SERIESE!!!
(IF FOUNDE RETURN TO:
PENNY GABRIEV
413 SORCERY BVD
ZENA, ZEFEILA 20878)
Gabriev? A relative of Gourry's?
It was a start, at least, if there actually was a mystery
here. And if not, a good place to stop off for the night at the
even lesser least. But at the lessest of the lesser least, it
was more interesting at the moment than anything else.
In short, the distraction was enough to deter her from the
loot. For now.
"I've got something to take care of," Lina said. "'scuze."
Roy continued to quietly cut at the ropes binding him with
the hidden file he had tucked away for just such an occasion, not
paying attention. "Great. Please go away. It's been a bad
enough day with you arou..."
When he had looked up, Lina was gone. Hadn't left, hadn't
opened the door to the cave (which was notoriously loud, since he
never oiled it), she was just gone.
Roy cursed his existence again, finished the cutting, and
shoved the doors open. Of COURSE his whole gang had run off.
But he could regroup. And Lina Inverse or whoever that was would
PAY for this.
[*]
Lina walked along the city street, scanning the addresses
for number 413. She looked just like any other small girl in a
sorceress's costume carrying a bag of magical artifacts and
doodads and an oversized weapon, and oddly enough, it was a
common sight in this city.
It was, after all, the Zefielian capital, and as mentioned
previously was a breeding ground for the abnormally interesting.
But like the others wandering around with purple skin or double
headed axes or Thunderswords of Unholy Destruction +5, Lina
walked casually and without much concern.
Okay, not ENTIRELY without concern. She'd focused intently
on this silly little puzzle -- of course the bandit was lying,
because it wasn't the sort of thing that could happen in a
rational universe. Lina certainly wasn't... well, doing the
math, she'd probably last bumped into that guy with Gourry when
she was sixteen or seventeen, so she'd have to be thirty six or
thirty seven now.
At that age, Lina figured she'd have grown some really nice
breasts if nothing else, making the bandit's claims even more
silly.
(But if you asked her what criteria she was judging with,
she'd probably say something about her boots, not her bosom.
Some things aren't best for mixed company. Or any company. Any
company that likes to live out full and natural lifespans with
all limbs and internal organs.)
Besides, today didn't feel any different from any other
recent day. The sun was shining, she had loot, she was vaguely
hungry and she felt A-OK. It's a day-in, day-out affair,
questing for self gain and self amusement, and although she
hadn't been on any major world-saving epic heroic adventures,
she'd at least been content. Content to knock over a fortified
dungeon or two, clean out a restaurant, kill bandits, that sort
of stuff. Never really questioned the how or why, she just did
it...
Mind you, here she was looking up one of Gourry's relatives.
That was new. Doing something new felt vaguely exciting, which
is why she dove on it so quickly rather than getting back to
questing, since she could sense some artifact that needed
pilfering a distance to the northeast, tugging at her...
Ah, 413.
Lina looked up at the sign. Then down at the blade. Then
back up at the sign to make sure the universe hadn't turned
itself upside down on its ear when she wasn't looking.
LINA GABRIEV'S MAGICAL GOODS AND ARCANE ARTIFACTS.
'Our prices are so low, they'll blow you away, and so will I
if you shoplift! -LG' a smaller sign read.
If the universe wasn't turned upside down and on its ear, it
was at least lying on its side and sniggering at her.
Technically, she could turn aside. There was the slight tug
of a new restaurant opening foolishly near Sairaag. All Lina had
to do was turn around, forget this and move on with her
existence. She'd be happier.
Instead, she stepped foot into the shop and changed what had
passed for her life around.
[*]
But you know this scene, don't you?
There aren't many playwrights in the world of note, with the
exception of a young William Rattlesword out in Sailoon, but
that's okay, because there's really only six or seven plays in
the world and they keep being jumbled around to keep people from
noticing. And one of the events is the return of a hero after a
long quest to find an impersonator warming his wife's bed among
other parts of her. There's an argument, a lot of awkward
moments, and eventually it either ends in a double homicide or
someone quietly sulks off. (In William's plays, they never
skimped on the fake blood, of course, so there wasn't much
sulking.)
There's also the standard mistaken identity behind a curtain
stabbing, the double suicide pact via miscommunication, and the
pile of bodies lying around one poor sot who has to explain what
happened to the entire royal family scene. And a bit with a dog.
Everything else is just shuffling the scenery and putting on new
hats.
But all this is besides the point of the here and now.
While Lina hadn't taken a wife, at least not in any
respectable story, she had been impersonated as to her
perception, and the scene played out perfectly :
Step one is for Lina Inverse to storm into the offending
location, ringing the cheerful little bell over the door.
Then the proprietor at the desk turns away from her book, to
give the standard greeting and warning of dismemberment upon
suspicion of theft or counterfeit monies, but then everything
goes wrong. Observe :
Lina walked into the store to see Lina. But by this point
she was expecting that.
She was also expecting to see a version of her that was
thirty six or thirty seven years old, and wasn't disappointed.
An older, slightly chubbier and more tired looking Lina was
there, in an ordinary housedress. She still had little chest to
speak of, but by now that wasn't a primary worry.
"YOU!" Lina declared, pointing accusatorily.
"Me?" Lina Gabriev (for that was the name over the door)
replied.
"Yeah, you! What're you doing pretending to me?! What's
going on here?!"
"What are you going on about? Slow down. Deep breaths."
Lina slowed down, took deep breaths, then resumed absolute
anger. "MY name is Lina Inverse!! Who do you think you are?"
"Ah... oookay," Lina G. replied, setting her book down.
"Look, kid, ... for starters, that's the worst Lina costume I've
seen. Secondly, you're not Lina Inverse. I was, and now I'm
retired, thank you, I don't do autographs so please buy something
or get out, okay?"
"COSTUME?! I'll have you know this was a hand me down from
my sister!" Lina declared. "And you're the imposter! I'm Lina!"
"No, I'M Lina!"
"No, *I'M* LINA!"
"No, I'm-- wait," Lina Gabriev said. "Pause. Time out.
We're going nowhere. Let's just relax, get our bearings and try
this again, okay? I'd hate to be cliche about it."
Calm peeked out from where it was hiding and snuck up on the
younger of the two Linas. "...right," she agreed. "One moment,
then we can discuss this like sensible people. Okay. I'm good
with that. We'll try again."
...
A moment passed.
"Anyway," Lina Gabriev started, "I'm Lina and--"
"No you aren't!"
"Yes I am!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
And then the silent evil glares.
A voice, from the upstairs rooms, near the back of the
store--
"Mom, what's all that--"
"Don't forget you're grounded, young lady!" Lina Gabriev
barked back up the stairs. "I'm just handling some deranged
customer, stay put."
"..'mom'?!" Lina Inverse gagged. NOW it was starting to
sink in beyond the usual identity issues. "I'm-- you're a
mother?? And your last name is GABRIEV!?"
Lina Gabriev groaned, and stepped out from behind the
counter. "Okay, see here," she started. "I can understand
wanting to emulate a hero of yours, but this is going too far.
And yes, I am married. Been married to Gourry Gabriev for
seventeen years now. And yes, I have a daughter, who should know
better than to go out adventuring -- that's hers, isn't it?"
The elder Lina snatched the weapon away from the stunned
Lina. (Descriptive adjectives to differentiate Linas are
required due to the circumstances, naturally.)
"I'll just dispose of this quietly," Lina Gabriev stated.
"Now. You've heard the history of my life, proof in pudding,
yadda yadda. Happy? Will you please go home now? Don't try to
follow in my footsteps, adventuring isn't a good occupation for a
young girl. Got me into a world of trouble I didn't actually
need to get into. Take up business, it's actually more
profitable in the long run."
"..." Lina Inverse wittily replied.
Issue closed, Mrs. Gabriev squeezed back behind the counter,
and took up her book again. She got two pages in before the
young girl spoke again.
"...that's it?" Lina asked. "I come in here with.. with
this, and that's it? It's over?"
"What were you expecting?" Lina Gabriev asked, not looking
up. "Facts are facts, I'm afraid. You're not Lina Inverse.
It's just not possible in a rational universe, after all. But
it's not my problem, so deal with it however you want. Consult
experts, stare at the walls, run around putting fish in your hair
and screaming, whatever works for you. But elsewhere, please. I
have a business to run."
"You don't even care?" Lina asked. Her tone incredulous,
but not angry; she was too shocked to really work up a good anger
nerve. "You're calling yourself Lina, and you don't even care
when something like this happens, when it walks right into your
home? I don't get it. I mean.. maybe you could help me
figure--"
Lina Gabriev waved a hand, cutting the younger Lina off.
She leaned across the counter, in one of those 'I'm going to make
this as clear as possible' sort of gestures.
"I'm retired," Lina Gabriev said slowly. "Let's assume you
are something more than toys in the attic. A clone, a copy, a
time warp bent alternate universe Lina, a mirrored demon,
whatever. That's very nice, but it's not my problem. My life is
just fine without you and your problem, and I don't need to run
off half-cocked on some investigation to find out what's really
going on -- because odds are it's some dark power at work bent on
destroying the world or turning us all into lampreys or
whatever."
"But--"
"I don't DO that anymore," Lina said. "It was a brief, very
dangerous life, and it almost got me killed. After awhile I
stopped caring about the profit and the glory and the power, not
when you weighed the drawbacks. So... I stopped doing it. And I
haven't looked back since. I don't cross the world on insane
adventures which end up in me facing down a Mazoku Lord. I don't
look for the pieces of the mystic whatsit and I don't hunt
bandits. When enigmas come crawling, I turn the other cheek.
Someone else can save the world, and apparently someone else
does, or else I wouldn't be here right now. That's the way it's
been ever since I retired eighteen years ago, and that's how it's
going to stay. I don't know what answers you wanted to find here
and it doesn't matter. Get out. Whatever you are, whatever
explanation is behind this, I'll have nothing to do with it."
It's a unique sensation, your whole of reality and worldview
crumbling around you like cheap plaster. Lina Inverse stood,
feeling more fragile and confused than she ever had been, as the
older woman tried to push her out of the store with the stoniest
stare ever witnessed by human eyes.
She had the final word.
"Lina Inverse DOES NOT EXIST anymore except in myths and
stories!" the woman declared. "There's only Lina Gabriev. Deal
with it. And GO AWAY."
Lina walked out.
What else was left to do?
[*]
Meanwhile towards a bit later, a large amount of manpower
and firepower was being purchased.
Lina had made one extremely fatal error, Roy Balderdash,
Prince of Bandits, Bad Mutha Shut-Yo-Mouth Wanted In 6.5
Countries thought, as he tried to ignore the astounding number of
zeroes on the final bill. She left him with all of his loot, all
his resources.
Being a well connected dude, Roy managed to whip up a posse
of a dozen hardened warriors with battle scars and bad
dispositions in under an hour. All it took was a visit to the
Goon Guild in town, some gold, and so on.
Getting the weapons was a little harder. Most of his
previous gang, in fleeing Lina Inverse, took their swords. This
time he wouldn't rely on such cheap measures. He was springing
for the full deal.
Firearms.
Zefielia was a bit behind the times in terms of technology
that was sweeping the rest of the world like spore mold, but
there were still a few guns to be found. Nasty little things,
hard to maintain and get parts for, but very effective compared
to swords. You just point and fire and anybody with a blob of
skill and 20/30 vision could use them effectively. (Not that Roy
would use one personally. He felt in his bone that they weren't
... right. Not morally, they just felt wrong to a dyed in the
wool swordsman like him.)
So, here he was cruising the city streets looking for a myth
(although it was a myth who had tied him up and interrogated him,
and Roy was a believer in believing in the impossible when it
does something like that) with a gang of psychotic mercs armed to
the teeth. All in less time than it takes to get a big dinner.
Now he just had to find her.
"Hey, boss," Goon #7 said, "We was wonderin' when we was
gonna get paid for this gig--"
"Shaddup, I'm thinking here," Roy replied. Because, well,
he was. If HE was Lina, where would he be right now?
Robbing legitimate businessmen such as himself, probably.
But that would take time to follow up on, since the local gangs
were well hidden. For now, he could check the other possibility;
that she'd be stuffing her face.
Thus, he turned a left when he could have turned a right and
bumped into Lina Gabriev's Magical Goods and Arcane Artifacts.
If he had, he'd have noticed the loft above the shop, how
the window slid open silently, and a classically designed rope
made out of bedsheets tied together tossed out. A figure
climbing down, and dashing off. Before returning to fetch a
large, poorly made bladed staff from the trash before dashing off
again.
[*]
Not that Lina was aware of any of this.
Assuming she was Lina.
No, Lina Inverse, for lack of a better name, was only aware
of her staring into the bottom of a coffee cup, just to the left
of dish empty dishes that once held fabulous chicken dinners.
They hadn't helped her mood. They'd helped her hunger, but not
much else.
Everything was wrong. Wrong to the core.
Lina fully accepted that something was wrong not when she
talked to the older her, not when the strangers she talked to on
the way here confirmed the date, but when she turned to make some
asinine comment to Gourry and he wasn't there.
Maybe he was NEVER THERE...
Not there and she'd just noticed it now. None of her
friends had been with her for her recent questing, adventuring,
mishaps and victories. Just her, doing what she did best...
Lina had also rummaged through her sack of loot. She knew
where it all came from and felt comfortable with that until she
realized exactly how FAR APART those places were. Darata.
Sailoon. Other cities, other countries. And that was just from
TODAY. If it was today...
Today, she knew someone had foolishly opened a restaurant
and said her name in vain and she was hungry so she cleaned them
out and left, satisfied and nourished.
Somewhere an artifact was incredibly well protected and
again someone called to her and she came and trounced the whole
apparatus, then left with the goods.
And here, in her home country, someone or something knew her
wrath would rain down on a bandit tribe, and it did. But then
that bandit told her how long it had been, and then she'd started
to realize things, culminating in... this.
She thought back, thought back hard. There was a long,
bright time. A time with her friends... Amelia, Zelgadis,
Gourry... quests, adventures, lots of fights, some really close
calls. Rezo. Shaburanigdo. Phibrizo and Gaav, Valgarv and Dark
Star...
And then... it got fuzzier. She hadn't noticed the
transition until she studied it, had it pointed out to her. Now,
she usually just coasted from event to event in fuzzy
contentment. Moving through it like a dream you weren't aware
you were in, not until you were jarred awake by the alarm clock.
How did she get around to all those places so fast? She felt she
had to go there so she did and she did what she had to do and
never questioned it. Steal this, eat that, take this, harass
him, beat up them, move on. Nothing felt wrong about it, not
then, but now, now it was all wrong.
Right now, all she could be certain of was where she was.
Fed, looking at an empty coffee cup and wondering what's supposed
to happen now.
Oh, and a bandit had a gun to her head.
She looked around, aware of the large, swarthy men who were
currently surrounding her with weaponry and mean looks. And the
central figure, a fairly disbelieving but familiar bandit.
"What, that's it?" Roy Balderdash asked. "You just sit
there while we take you down? You didn't even notice us coming
in? What with the running and screaming of the other patrons..."
Lina made no reply. Just stared, with an empty expression.
"No, no, guys, put 'em down, this won't work," Roy explained
to his confused, recently hired companions. "We can't just walk
up and plug her. Not Lina Inverse, it's not right."
"Why?" Lina asked, in a soft, curious voice.
"Well, DUH," Roy said. "Look, I may want your blood on my
hands, but not while you're just sitting there like a dunce.
That's like shooting a tame bear or something. Can't you fight
back? Whip out a spell, waste some of my goons, get into a tooth
and nail fight that ends dramatically in your death when you make
the one critical mistake I capitalize on, thus ensuring my
glorious victory?"
(Goons #3-#8 sweatdropped. They hadn't signed on to be
cannon fodder.)
"Why should I?" Lina asked, talking more to herself than
them. "I guess I should. It's what Lina would do. I think I
have to. But I don't understand why..."
Roy frowned. He didn't like this, not one iota. "What're
you yammering about? Look, I don't WANT to waste you when
you're.. obviously a bit out of it, but if you're not even gonna
make an effort, I'm still gonna have to get on with business, you
hear? I'll give you to the count of seven."
Lina Inverse made no movements. Roy fumbled over six and
landed on five.
Trigger fingers itched.
Four went by without much action to speak of.
Then three.
Two took a little longer to get out, just in case something
exciting would happen, but nothing did.
One--
A chandelier fell from the rafters of the restaurant,
crashing onto the table. All the men stepped back in snap
reaction; Lina only flinched. Eyes went up. Even Lina's.
The young girl pointed at Roy dramatically with her staff.
"I TOLD you I'd be back to collect the bounty on your head,
forsooth!!" she declared. "And now I find you assaulting Lina
Inverse? Not in my town! Have at y--"
"Not HER again," Roy groaned. "Guys, shoot her."
"Wha?" the girl said, before bullets ripped through the
rafters and the roof around her. She gave a panicked squeal,
before jumping down and landing in the middle of the wild melee
of knives and swords and gunplay and stuff that immediately broke
out.
To her credit, she wasn't half bad at brawling against a
dozen armed men. Bodies and furniture arced nicely in the air
and broke against the walls around Lina, who just blinked in
confusion at the chandelier wreckage, and the fray around her.
Truth be told, she was only dimly aware of her surroundings.
A fight was going on. She wasn't quite sure who was involved or
how to react. Plus, she was too busy thinking to take an active
part, even though she felt a faint tug. The same tug she felt
towards a restaurant or a bandit camp or a mystic idol or
anything else Lina Inverse was associated with by folklore...
The girl waved her long weapon to keep the bandits at arm's
reach, but was backed into a corner, and there's only one way to
go from there -- directly onto all the pointy metal objects and
flintlock barrels in front of you. Not a direction she was going
to go in.
Roy, with one nasty cut on his forehead and an even more
annoyed disposition, gave the order. "I warned you to stay
home," he said. "And not mess in my business. But if you want
to be a hero, you take your chances, I say. Guys, take her
down."
The cornered girl screamed out the first name that hit her
mind.
"LINA, HELP!!!"
Lina's eyes snapped into sharp focus when the tug went from
a gentle nudge to a shove from a charging elephant. Purpose
snagged her like a fishhook and pulled her to her feet. Senses
working overtime into alert and fully conscious of the present...
She got up so fast that her chair tumbled end over end until
it tripped up some poor sot who happened to be riding by on
horseback outside. Her table, already stress fractured, gave up
the ghost and collapsed into a pile of dust and cheap glass.
Attitude flowed thick and fast as the waters of an aqueduct,
as did power, sweet power as a ball of orange flame gathered in
her hands... and a smirk targeted Roy in particular, as all the
bandits started to notice she was no longer a turnip at a table.
"I may not be a math whiz," Lina explained, the turn on
words coming to her lips with practiced ease., "But I think the
odds are a LEETLE unbalanced. Consider me a force of nature to
make sure things level off..."
Roy, being a smart bandit, immediately got behind his wall
of goons and put his head between his legs and kissed his ass
goodbye.
"FIREBALL!!!"
The windows of the restaurant exploded, spouting brief jets
of flame as powdered glass sprayed wildly. The ground shook.
Smoke billowed out. People outside wondered what the hell was
going on.
Inside, what the hell was going on was obvious. Lina, hand
still raised, from where it had just cast the fireball, watched
as the smoke cleared... showing a pile of fried, unconscious
goons, one fairly singed bandit king, and a very surprised young
girl.
The girl could wait. First, she had Roy to deal with. Roy,
who had ditched all safety in numbers attitudes and produced a
Really Large Sword, squaring off against Lina.
"This is more like it," he admitted, with a manic grin. A
thin white line of an aura closed over him.. playing magic from
one hand, weaponry from the other, in the true Zefeilian way.
"That's better. You and me, mano-a-womano, and you won't bag me
as easily as you did this morning. You're the one I want, not
the kid."
Amused, Lina drew her sword. It caught the light from
residual fires with a near-audible PING.
The two made no motions. A half-burned menu wafted along in
the breeze between them, the urban form of tumbleweed.
THEN they could fight.
To try and follow it from their perspective is impossible.
Actually, to follow it from the young girl's perspective is even
worse, but as she was clearing her head and staring in awe, this
is basically what she saw :
Two experts proving their craft.
Swords clashing in sparks, defensive shields raising and
shifting to deflect blows, small bolts of fire and ice and
electricity skimming off the fight, causing havoc in the already
crippled restaurant structure. The girl actually had to dive
behind an overturned table to make sure she wasn't, like, killed
or anything.
But eventually, someone made one wrong move, and that
signaled the end. In this case, Roy had accidentally Zigged when
he should have Zapped, and got a swordpoint to the shoulder in
response.
In that moment, at the point of victory in purpose, Lina
caught on. What she caught onto was so small, so incomplete, but
it was enough to affirm herself. She was doing what Lina Inverse
would do. She heard the call from this girl to save her from
bandits earlier today too, and it was identical, the sensation,
the cause. Lina Inverse was needed -- and the world provided --
in order to accomplish something. Just like she was finishing
now.
Roy staggered backwards, against a wall -- the momentary
stun enough to snap the flow of the fight like a twig. He stared
in awe.. Lina hadn't even broken a sweat. She was INHUMAN.
Fast, strong, powerful, maybe even more so than the first time
they had met, when she relied on tossing magic from a distance
and getting cover from her swordsman...
"What ARE you!?" Roy asked, bewildered.
"Isn't it obvious?" Lina asked, twirling her sword back into
its sheath, and charging up another spell. "Everybody seems to
know my name, or at least my deeds. Bandit-stomping,
treasure-taking, food-eating, quest-completing, tomb-raiding,
Mazoku-slaying, world-saving. I don't understand much right now,
but I know who I am. I'm Lina INVERSE. That's what Lina Inverse
does, that's what I do, and I do it WELL, and I like it. As for
you--"
A flick of the wrist, and a tiny ball of ice darted from her
fingertips to the fallen bandit. He opened his mouth to protest,
and then froze. Literally, in a large, comedic rectangular chunk
of light blue ice.
"Chill out," Lina completed. Then thought it over. "No no,
that's used. Cool off! No... 'You've been ICED!'. Ick, no.
Ah..."
"L-Lina?"
Lina Inverse turned, to address the only other person left
standing.
It was the first clear look Lina had had at the person she
just rescued. Something immediately struck her as familiar,
something about the armor, the shape of it. Or the hair, orangey
yellow, and familiar earrings...
The girl walked up and pinched Lina.
"OW! Hey!" Lina protested, waving her off.
"Just checking," she said. "Wow. I mean.. wow. Lina
Inverse. It's really you, isn't it? The REAL Lina Inverse? I
never bought that my mom was THE Lina Inverse, she just didn't
seem the right type, never wanting to do anything heroic, all
boring and conservative--"
"MOM?"
"Oh! Oh, I didn't introduce!" the girl realized, stumbling
over herself for an apology. "Gomen nasai! I'm Penny Gabriev.
Pleased to meet you!"
Penny bowed deeply, accidentally cleaving Lina's head in
twain with the blade on her staff. Or rather, would have, if the
blade hadn't been so poorly made that you could bludgeon a brick
wall to powder with the edge.
"OW!!" Lina yelled again. And decided that maybe standing
four feet or more away would be a really good idea when dealing
with this new person.
"Uh, oops. Ha ha!" Penny laughed, trying to downplay it.
"Um. So... wow! I mean, you just took out an entire armed gang
and froze their leader in ICE! That's so cool!"
"Well, it's only cool in an elemental sense, since the ice
spell is more of a metaphor of the damage that's taken from
extreme cold--"
"No no, I mean it's COOL."
"...yes, I was just explaining how the spell works," Lina
said, not getting it. "Look, you're.. Lina In--Gabriev's
daughter?"
"Hai!" Penny said, bowing again (but not crippling anybody
in the process). "Thanks for bringing my naginata back when that
guy stole it. I made it myself, you know. Custom build for
adventuring!"
"Uh-huh," Lina nodded along, trying to get her bearings.
"So, where are you headed next? Evil overlord's castle?
Dragon's cave? Uh, can I come for a little while? If I go home
now mom'll just ground me again."
It suddenly occurred to Lina that today she had discovered
she probably wasn't human or at least wasn't existing wholly on
the right plane of reality and that some Lina Inverse had married
Gourry and had a kid named Penny and she should probably really
be freaking out right now or at the very least be very confused
and creeped out given that all this happened in the span of a
single day assuming that she could accurately tell time given how
awkward her memory had felt when she thought back to what she's
done recently.
It also occurred to her that she was hungry again. This was
an easier concept to wrap your mind around, and thus Lina
considered thinking about it instead. There was a lovely
restaurant a country over that seemed appealing...
But that's what she had done in days past, isn't it? Make
like there's nothing wrong and move from dinner to dinner,
conquest to conquest...
No. If Lina Gabriev, since that woman had no right to the
name Inverse, refused to look into this, to find out exactly how
it happened, then Lina Inverse would. It was a pretty clear cut
problem: 'What the hell is going on?'. (In a lot of ways, it was
philosophically the only problem mankind really was faced with.)
She'd have to find the answer. It'd be a lot like a quest.
A quest...
Now she had a definite purpose, a purpose that filled her
bones with fresh energy, with determination. It was a purpose
that wasn't for someone elsewhere in the world called her out,
gave her that 'tug'. It was for herself. The very idea of it
comforted her tremendously.
Mind you, she still was rather hungry.
Lina Inverse turned to the girl who was the daughter of that
other woman.
"Let's go get something to eat," Lina suggested. "And you
can maybe answer some questions for me."
The silent, frozen bandit watched them go. He would've
plotted revenge, but it was too damn cold at the moment.
--------------
one part three
--------------
A short distance away, time ticked by at regular rates, via
the old wooden clock over the door. Dust settled as it always
did on rows of books, wands, staves, staffs and sticks with knobs
on the end of them.
Lina Gabriev turned to the next page in her book, right on
the tick of the minute.
At exactly one minute and seventeen seconds, not a very
round number at all, the door chimed to signal the entrance of a
customer. A customer in long robes, with a walking staff that
probably once held a large gem at the top, but now only had a jet
black raven perching there.
"Welcome to Lina Gabriev's Magical Goods and Arcane
Artifacts, let me know if I can help you," she said, not looking
up.
"Help me?" the patron asked, from inside a typical hooded
cloak to hide one's identity, which obviously meant he was
someone important. The raven ruffled its feathers, an annoyed
gesture. "No no, I'm afraid you can't help me. But you could
help me find someone who can help me. Did a young girl pass
through here recently? Orange hair, bad temper, gaudy clothing?"
Lina Gabriev still refused to look up or take an interest in
the Mysterious Stranger. "Some kid came through here who thought
she was someone she wasn't. Looked like that. Don't know where
she went, don't care."
"No, I suspect you wouldn't. Thanks for your time anyway,
madam," the patron said. "A few coins for your trouble..."
Lina snatched them off the counter before they had clattered
once with practiced ease and dropped them in the mechanical
register. She was still adept at the art of making money
disappear. Then she resumed reading.
A lack of door chimes told that the patron hadn't left yet.
"Aren't you going to ask why?"
"Nope," Lina Gabriev stated.
"Oh, please. Please do. It's just not the SAME unless
someone asks me why. It's like my day isn't satisfying and
complete unless someone asks."
Irritated, the elder Gabriev set her book down, and turned
to ask. "Fine, fine. WHY do you want to..."
The glimpse under the cloak surprised her. The patron waved
one finger, in a 'naughty naughty' gesture.
"Ah," he replied. "That is a secret. Good day, Mrs.
Gabriev."
And then he was gone.
The raven fluttered in midair a moment, before cawing
fiercely at Lina, and flapping out through the closing door.
Lina Gabriev quickly got her breath back. Controlled
herself. Forced herself to calm, to relax. Whatever it was, it
didn't apply to her. He'd said so himself. So... she had
nothing to worry about.
The impulse never founded itself to go after him. That
would probably lead to a chase, which could lead to a fight, and
then she'd make an enemy and be dragged halfway around the world
on some damn fool errand...
She didn't do that anymore, she reminded herself, in
absolute certainty, in the same way she knew her name. Not since
then.
So, Lina Gabriev opened her book, and thought nothing more
of it -- falling fuzzily back into the day to day routine, the
events of her life, as they normally progressed. Not questioning
things in the slightest.
[*]
"...really, it's not so much that I don't like my parents,"
Penny explained, hoping Lina was listening while she tore through
a steak dinner like a ravenous wildebeest. "It's just.. well,
supposedly Mom did all this adventuring as Lina Inverse. I hear
about it all the time in legends and stuff, and it's really
exciting and it inspired me to learn more about it, you know?"
"Mh," Lina replied, with a mouthful of beef.
"I thought, 'Penny, you don't have to sit around all day
reading history books, you can BE history! Or at least something
other than a merchant like mum wants.' I mean, I didn't think
those words exactly, but something like that. Dad's the Captain
of the City Guard after all, and he got to do exciting things
even though he denied it and kept saying he was just doing what
needed done, that's really very noble of him, did you know I
patterned my armor after his?"
"Mfffmpmf," Lina agreed, slugging back a large glass of
fruit juice.
"Well, at any rate, I decided to research weaponsmithing and
fighting and so on, of course when mum wasn't looking so I
wouldn't get in trouble because she really doesn't go for that
sort of thing anymore and likes to discourage me, and I snuck out
of the house for a few quests but I really haven't had much luck.
So I figure I need to apprentice to someone who's really
experienced, then I can go home and show them I'm very good at
this and they don't have to worry and I don't have to sit behind
the cash register for the rest of my life. Don't you agree?"
This time Lina didn't reply at all, trying to tear a
particularly tough bit of meat off a chicken leg.
"But the problem is all the good schools for warriors,
mercenaries, goons or heroes cost so much money, so I figured I'd
go after some bounties and then I'd be able to afford it, except
that to get a bounty I need training so I'm good at this but to
get good at this I need to get money for the school from
bounties. So it's not working out very well. Hey, are you going
to eat that?"
Her hand went for the last drumstick.
With a flash, Lina's fork was embedded half an inch in the
oak restaurant table, blocking the path. Her other hand was in
with the knife, neatly spearing the side of the leg and flicking
it into the air -- she ditched the knife and caught the leg
perfectly in the same hand before taking a big bite.
"Yff," Lina said after the fact.
Penny's stomach growled, but she tried to put on a very
cheerful, hopeful face. "So! How about if I apprentice to you,
Miss Inverse?"
The meat got stuck in Lina's throat in surprise, and she
started running the gamut of colors from blue to purple, which
was a short gamut indeed.
"..is that a no?" Penny asked, a bit embarrassed.
Using her Lina Powers Over The Common Dinner, Lina forcibly
coughed up then swallowed the chunk of dinner that was trying to
escape in one motion. She breathed hard, pounding on her
chest... then let loose.
"Apprentice?!" Lina asked. "Look... Penny? But I'm not
exactly the sensei type, okay? And, I mean.. thanks for helping
me out earlier in that fight, but you don't even KNOW anything
about me!"
"Sure I do!" Penny said. "I'm a history buff! Lina
Inverse. Rumored to have defeated Shaburanigdo, if he exists,
along with a bunch of other Mazoku lords and you found the Claire
Bible and apparently beat off some other dark god, but the
details are fuzzier on that."
"Ah... okay, yes, that's me," Lina said. "Sort of. Look,
I'm not even sure who 'me' is right now aside from 'Lina
Inverse', so... the timing's not right, okay? Here I am, about
to go on a big quest to sort out exactly where the last twenty
years went and why your mom--"
"I always knew mom wasn't really Lina Inverse," Penny agreed
without having anything to agree to. "She's not the right type.
But you are! The way you dispatched those bandits, I mean.. wow!
Wow!"
"Just go home, okay?" Lina said. "I'm about to set off on a
course towards danger and death and large monsters, knowing my
history--"
"Great!"
"--which will probably mean crossing the whole world--"
"I always wanted to see the world."
"--and you're NOT coming!" Lina finalized. "No way, no how.
You're too--"
"Young?"
"Oi, stop interrupting me," Lina warned, waving a finger.
"And... no, you're not too young, I was actually adventuring when
I was younger than you. It's just that I work al.. well, no, I
worked with Naga and then Gourry and the others and... it's
just... I, uh..."
Penny smiled. A bit smug, knowing Lina had run out of
reasons. "So it's okay, then."
Lina hung her head. "You're gonna get me in trouble with
your mom..."
"I don't care," Penny said. "She's holding me back. This
is what I want to DO with my life. I want to be the blade
swinging hero who charges into the thick, beats back the army,
and rescues the princess!"
...Lina just stared very oddly at the young girl.
"Ah, I mean, in a sense," Penny said. "There aren't many
female warriors to base my life on, so I had to adapt and sort of
roll with it and that's why I've got my dad's armor because
finding armor for girls isn't too easy since they always make
LESS of it, okay? I mean, there's you for a role model and I
guess I've used you as one a bit but I don't like magic so it's
not quite the same if you know what I mean."
"You're going to follow me if I say no or not, aren't you?"
Lina concluded, after letting the Mistress of the Run-on Sentence
finish.
"Probably."
"Jeez, of all the..." Lina started and stopped.
It did make sense. This was a country where half the
population went on adventures, and the other half supplied those
who went on adventures. It was the same dream Lina had, even
before her age. Who was she to stomp on it? And having an angry
Lina Gabriev running after her ... if the woman WOULD run after
them. If she was apathetic enough to ignore a copy or a clone or
an imitator of her running around, would she go after her wayward
daughter?
But there was a spark there, in the young girl. Her
father's clueless curiosity, her mother's ambition. Her father's
eyes.. Lina turned away a moment, trying to put aside her
friends, who had grown up and gone away while she.. somehow went
on.
"I'd better explain something," Lina decided, while thinking
about it. "About what's going on, and what I'm questing for.
Then you'll know what you're getting into, and can decide then.
Deal? Because I don't think I'm exactly the hero you're all
fanboy.. fangirlish over."
"Huh?" Penny asked. (A single syllable, true, but it packed
oh so much confusing and curiosity in a tight package.)
And Lina laid it down. She kept her voice low, since there
WERE other patrons at this restaurant, who'd probably be a little
spooked. (She was spooked herself, but could handle it better
than the common man.)
How somehow, there'd been a gap in her life -- a gap where
apparently she did all the things she usually did, but by
herself, moving around in time and space, like she was asleep.
How she hadn't even noticed the sleep until today, when she woke
in the bandit camp. The revelations from her mother, the
aftermath, even why she wasn't fighting back at the restaurant.
"Not until you called for me," Lina explained. "Then I
snapped out of it. I felt like I had to do something, right
there and then, and knew exactly what. And when I decided to
quest, it's like I became fully aware... and in control. I
haven't felt that weird pull since. I guess because I'm too
'busy' to respond to it. So that's what I'm doing... I'm trying
to figure out what I am, and why."
Penny tried to parse it. She tried very hard; competing
genes were telling her to take it in stride and order another
meal OR to scratch her head and not comprehend. The hustle and
bustle and noise of the restaurant didn't help her concentration
much.
"So....... are you Lina?" she asked.
"I'm more Lina than SHE is," Lina scoffed to herself. She
turned back to Penny, and leaned back in her chair. "I'm going
to work with that assumption for now. I feel like Lina Inverse.
It's a little hard to keep the weird factor under control, but
Lina's good at that, so I'm handling it. But I've got no clue
where to start looking or--"
Her casual, nonchalant posture in her chair proved to be an
Achilles Heel, as a passing patron accidentally knocked the chair
out from under her.
Lina went sprawling, knocking her bag of stuff open and
aside. The patron skipped twice before regaining his balance.
"Terribly, terribly sorry," he apologized quickly, and
walked off, a black bird following him.
"...sheesh, some people," Lina grumbled, setting her chair
back up again, and starting to pack her loot. "If I wasn't in
such a mellow mood I'd fireball that guy. As I was saying, it
could take a long time to do this, since I've got no starting..."
She trailed off, studying the heavy object in her hand.
"Point?" Penny guessed, attempting to play Complete the
Sentence. "Err, square? Square one? Line? Place?"
"Hel-lo.. I forgot I had this," Lina said, placing the item
on the table. "I lifted it out of some deathtrap dungeon earlier
today! Good timing. This, now this might make a good starting
place..."
It was a table on the table. To be specific, a small stone
replica of a four legged circular table, the kind you'd probably
expect to see at a meeting of druids inside a stone circle. (But
not the 'sacrificial altar' kind of table.) All around the
edges, chiseled in fine lettering, were the words 'Tabella
Errante Del Monster'. The item glowed with a dull silvery power,
which faded in proper lighting, but was visible as the sun had
started to go down outside.
"Whoa... what's that?" Penny asked, reaching over to touch
it. Lina batted her hand away.
"Careful! I haven't tried it yet," Lina said. "If you're
going to learn from me, here's Lina's Rule #1 : Magical items can
probably kill you if you even look at them funny! You got that?"
"H-Hai, Lina!"
"Right. But I think it's some kind of codex. A guide to
creatures in the world, made by an alchemist. Don't ask me how I
know, I just do..."
"So.. you can use this to find out what you are?" Penny
asked, hopeful.
"That's the idea!" Lina said.. carefully lifting it. "Man,
this could be a short quest for a change that doesn't end in the
near destruction of the world! I wouldn't be complaining, if so.
Now how do turn this damn thing on? I don't see a button or a
metaphysical trigger spell or anything..."
"Maybe you put it on your head?" Penny suggested, out of the
yellow and/or blue.
"Don't be silly, you don't put tables on people's heads,"
Lina said. She placed the four legged item on her head to prove
it. "See? Nothing."
The table's glow increased, flaring in a single moment --
activated. It stretched its legs, near impossible for a piece of
carved rock to do, then spoke...
'Demiurge,' the table said, in a voice that could only be
called stony. 'Unknown entity, religious significance. No extra
data found, please install plug-in spell.'
"Wow! I knew it!" Penny cheered for herself. "I'm good
with machines and stuff, you know, I made this weapon with an
automated stone cutter from the local smith's shop and even
though I didn't quite get it very sharp I..."
Lina blinked a few times, not following Penny's spiel. She
lifted the table, studied it, then put it on her head again.
'Demiurge,' the table repeated.
She set the table down on the table. It was definitely
alive and moving now, as it ... cutely scampered around, poking
at empty dishes, and trying to get attention. A lot like a
little lost puppy.
"What a weird little thing," Lina decided. "Kind of.. a
wandering table of monsters. Um. I don't think it's got any
info on... what's a Demiurge, Penny?"
"...and then I started it up, and my teacher was very
impressed, until it exploded and covered the entire cafeteria in
lava, and that's the last time I was invited to the science fair,
but--"
"PENNY!"
"Aaah! Lina?" Penny replied. "Hello, yes? What?"
Lina eyed the mobile table nervously. "Um... pick that up
and carry it around. I don't want it in my pack. Now, we're
going! Quests wait for no one, after all!"
Not nearly as nervous, Penny scooped up the
mechanical/magical table, and got up. She took up her naginata.
"So, where are we going? What's the first step?"
"A temple, I guess," Lina said, hoisting up her bag. "Maybe
I can find a priest or a white mage to explain this. We've only
got a noun and an adjective to work with, and they'll have to do.
So! Onward towards... wherever it is we're going!"
The two crossed outside, to the town square. Busy, burly,
and/or magical types got about doing whatever they were doing --
the night was going up and the sun had gone down, meaning an
entire different breed of consumer/worker was ready and waiting.
Lina paused at a streetlight, to consult a local map thoughtfully
posted up near the bounties, help wanted ads, and carefully
notarized death threats.
Penny leaned against the wall, watching her in confusion.
"I don't get it. You want to go to a temple?"
"Is there an echo in here? Yes, a temple. If I remember
this city right, there's two to Ceipheed, and a hidden one to
Shaburanigdo on the other side of the--"
"I think they burned down," Penny said.
"They whaaa?"
"Burned down. No, wait... okay. The Mazoku temple burned
down and one of the Ceipheed ones collapsed from disrepair, I
think that was, um, seven years ago, and the third one just sort
of closed up and left when nobody was bothering to go anymore and
they couldn't afford to stay open. Yeah, that's right. I mean,
everybody knows THAT."
"But.. they'd been open for CENTURIES!" Lina said. "Big sis
used to work at the Temple of the Holy White Order of Ceipheed
Flare Dragon as a janitor in between waitressing shifts..."
"What, the cults? Nobody believes in that stuff anymore,"
Penny said, with a shrug. Commonplace to her. "I mean, it's all
just legends. There aren't any Mazoku or Dragons. Well, there's
big lizards, but not the legendary god dragons or anything, and
the elves were just a vertically challenged magically gifted race
of humans, scientists have proven that through testing and--"
"Well, fine! We'll go a few towns over, there's a--"
"That one's gone too."
"Surely there's SOME organized religion within a fifty mile
radius?!" Lina shouted, a little peeved.
"Y-Yes!" Penny said, backing down. "I mean... I think I
know of one, it's kind of far away and my best friend's brother's
cousin goes there but I don't think you'll like it--"
"It'll have to do, whatever it is. Let's get going. What's
the name of the place?"
"...the Unholy Cult of Zoamel Gustav."
Lina nodded, and walked about six steps before wobbling to a
premature halt and twisting to face her.
"The cult of WHAT?!"
"It's sort of a religion," Penny said, sheepishly.
"...fine. Whatever!" Lina said. "Who am I to argue with
bad luck? C'mon, let's hurry. A quest is a quest. That's
Lina's Rule #2! When you're on a quest, that's all that you do,
you quest with all the dedication and energy you can muster!
Unless you get hungry and want to stop. Got that?"
"Got it!" Penny cheered, scribbling it down in a pocket
notebook with a ballpoint pen, before giving an enthusiastic
pose. "Let's go! It's that-a-way, to the west, two towns over."
The Wandering Monster Table perched on her shoulder mimicked
it cutely in a way that made Lina want to pulverize the thing.
Lina rolled her eyes. Okay, maybe it wasn't the best
questing team she could come up with, but it'd do. And the kid
had spunk...
Overall, she could ask for worse. But enough talking. Lina
had a mission to handle, a quest to do, and a large question to
get answered by any means necessary.
She turned towards the west, and started to walk.
[*]
Across town, the janitor at a fairly trashed restaurant was
busy putting up the unbroken chairs on the unbroken tables, and
mopping up the water from a rapidly melting ice cube with a
bandit in it. Janitors exist specifically to do this sort of
work without getting all antsy about how it happened, so the
circumstances didn't throw him.
Neither did the ominous stranger who had walked in, complete
with hooded robe, and evil stare. But evil stares are usually
signals for the hired help to beat it, so he fetched his mop and
amscrayed.
The figure stepped up to the frozen Bandit. Sighed, in
vague annoyance, and raised a hand -- a bluish gray hand of
stone.
"Flare Arrow," he spoke quietly, using a lower level of the
spell than he was capable of. The ice melted in an instant.
"...GEEHH," Roy Balderdash inhaled sharply. "It's HARD to
hold your breath that long. Brrr. Thanks, Mister...?"
The chimera under the hood regarded him with an uncaring
look.
"You are required," he said, "To take up a new career."
"Hey, I'm not THAT thankful," Roy said, rubbing his arms to
try and get some feeling back into them. "I'm busy, anyway. A
little vendetta to settle with one Lina Inverse."
"Lina Inverse...?" the young robed boy asked. Sounding
almost curious... but dismissed it, quickly after. "I'm afraid
this is an offer you can't refuse. Come with me."
"Aaand you are?" Roy asked.
"Commander of the Imperial Forces of Sairaag," he responded.
"Zelgadis Greywers. And we were just leaving."
Before Roy could protest, a portal had been opened and
skimmed through both of their bodies, and they no longer existed
in the restaurant.
The janitor quietly resumed mopping. There was a lot more
water around now, after all.
[To Be Continued]