Well, C&C as promised. :)
Firstly, formatting problems: looked funny on my screen so I suggest the
usual text conversion before cutting and pasting onto the e-mail prog.
"The Forever Stone?" D'oh. "You want to be immortal or something?"
Probably don't need the 'D'oh'
"Lina Inverse!" She paused.
"...sorcery genius, and if you don't hand over the Forever Stone,
I'd
advise you to wonder what this place looks like as ashes," she added on
for
good measure. Always nice to make a good impression. "Who are you?!" As
suggest: "Lina Inverse! Sorcery genius! Hand over the Forever Stone or
find out what this place looks like as ashes!" Always nice...
"I knew it. You've never fought anyone before, have you?" Zel
smiled at
the thought of how close the Forever Stone was now. Defeat this talking
piece of street gum and move on, easy.
suggest: Zel smiled. The Forever Stone was theirs for the taking.
the second sentence reads more like something Lina would think rather than
Zel.
The Great Billy Bob was squirming as well as a piece of lint
could.
as much as
"..darkness beyond twilight, Crimson beyond blood that flows.
Buried in
the flow of time. In thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness. Let
the
fools who stand before us be destroyed By the power you and I possess!"
Wait! She's casting the Dragu Slave in a small room? That they're
currently within?
suggest downgrading this to a Fireball (which Lina can control) or
enlarging the room size.
"Lina? LINA?!" he ran over to the spot where she had been at and
where she had been and
And it's hell of hard to get Zeldagis to laugh, but even he was
managing a snicker.
suggest: It was incredibly hard to get Zelgadis to laugh. Snickering
though wasn't beyond him.
thing?! It's a tool of SATAN!! It's coming up with dillusions that even a
Eh, not Satan anyway. Perhaps Shabranigdu.
delusions
"Glurk," complained the charred mass of Xellos that was fifty feet
above
ground.
and falling rapidly. :)
"Now, kids...naturally, as you enter school...you're going to be
facing
a lot of peer pressure. There are kids out there who want you to do bad
things. Drugs. Smoking. Being a Mazoku. You're going to have to make a
lot of
choices."
Heh. Liked this one.
The door slammed open. "Mommy...I'm sorry, they still haven't found
a
way to get around the seal Xellos put on that chest-reduction spell."
I assume this is Lina speaking, since the other two scenes look to be
Xelloss and Luna. If so, why the 'I'm sorry' bit? If it's Luna, then it needs
to be a bit clearer.
Closing Comments:
Fun read. Needs better formatting (line by line text conversion if all else
fails or simply download Notepad Lite from tucows). Just a few things to keep
in mind.
* What happened to Eris?
* Ack, Lina's a patricide. Now, according to Greek mythology, that would
mean...
* Why doesn't she remember her brother?
Well, hope this helps.
Phil.