As usual, I've snipped any grammar/spelling changes that I didn't have a
specific reply to.
At 01:13 PM 10/7/99 -0500, Gary Kleppe wrote:
Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org> wrote:
"AWAKE! HE IS AWAKE, I HAVE SEEN HIM, I HAVE FELT HIS HAND
UPON MY FLESH, HIS TOUCH UPON MY BODY, I HAVE GAZED INTO HIS
FACE, INTO HIS TERRIBLE FACE, THE MOUTH THAT SWALLOWS THE STARS,
THE EYES THAT ARE THE CRUCIBLES OF WORLDS! AWAKE HE IS, AND WE
ARE DOOMED, DOOMED!"
NABIKI: "Oh, shut up!" *WHAP* "I hate performance art!"
Akari then began to smear herself with elephant dung and loudly sing the
national anthem of France.
Slowly, she turned at the familiar voice, and saw Ukyou
running towards them, closely trailed by Konatsu. Was absolutely
_everybody_ Ranma had every met going to show up?
Yeah, except for Azusa Shiratori, who doesn't appear until the final
scene where she saves everyone. And what about da Principal kahuna?
He got eaten by wild dogs.
"No, no more," Kodachi echoed.
Yamiko ripped her stomach open.
This mention seems oddly quick and matter-of-fact. Seems like it should
be either more detailed, or less direct if Nabiki is suppressing her
perception of it.
Hmm... I'll look at the scene again and decide.
Nabiki. Sardonic, sarcastic, cruel, selfish Nabiki. Who
she loved, who she had to love, because she was her sister.
Dead.
"Now maybe I'll get some of my clothes back!"
"Can I have her room, Dad? The window view is better."
But the fear passed in a moment, because two things occurred
to her. The first was that she was already dead, and if she
could face that, she didn't need to be afraid of what was beyond.
The second was that this truly was the way to make it all up. To
everyone. Even if they never knew it, the action would be
enough.
Nice to see Nabsy given a chance to make amends -- though if I had the
choice I'd prefer something more concrete and less symbolic. "All I have
to do is blow into a horn when someone tells me to? Wow, if I'd known
redemption was THIS easy...." :-)
Well, the concrete action of attempting to save her sister's life, even at
the cost of her own, was the one that made her worthy to blow the horn.
This seems pretty typical for WUE, actually... the real battle is
between cosmic superpowers beyond comprehension, and the best our heroes
can do is to facilitate the benevolent ones. Kind of a mixed blessing...
on the one hand, it gives a sense of awe, but on the other, it takes a
good part of the dramatic decision-making away from the main characters.
This is something that I've always intended. To a great extent, the
characters cannot escape the roles intended for them--the powers that move
behind the scenes have chosen a part for them to play, and they have little
choice but to play it.
I've always tried in WUE to convey a sense of inevability, of the
characters moved about like pawns. Some of them struggle mightily against
fate; and yet it claims them in the end.
I am Nabiki.
You are loved.
I am.
You are loved.
I.
You are loved.
And there was no more I. Nicely done.
Thanks. This is one of my favourite scenes in the whole chapter.
Nodoka left him crying quietly by his middle daughter's
still body, and stood up so that she could check on others.
Ukyou would not survive for long, if she wasn't already dead -
the blow would have severed her spine. But Akari was all right,
or at least she had been before the fighting had begun.
Did you mean to say 'or at least as all right as she had been....' ?
Yup. Will fix.
All around him, he saw it happening, and as it became clear
to him that soon there would be nothing left for him to kill, the
rage gave way at least to grief. Tears falling down his face, he
turned and walked back past the dying of the enemy towards where
Bai and Shampoo lay.
This feels too abrupt -- the rain comes, and right away the whole
fight's over. IMO, you really need to expand this part and make it more
suspenseful and climactic; first show our heroes about to be
overwhelmed, then the rain starting, and then the monsters start to
smoulder (or whatever) and finally bite the big one.
Again, I was trying for that sense of the inevitable... the only thing
Ryoga and the others could do was delay the enemy, until it came time for
them to die. I'll look at the scene again and consider expanding it, but
I'm not sure how much more I could add before it begins to feel bloated.
"Some die young, and some die old, some die hot, and some
die cold."
It escaped her lips involuntarily, an old children's rhyme.
A children's rhyme about death? Geez, I guess they don't believe in
letting youth enjoy their innocence. :)
Children's rhymes are a lot darker than people give them credit for. Ever
read "Struwelpeter"? (Not sure about my spelling here)
"Guess so," Ukyou replied, surprised at how weak and thin
her voice sounded. "Should I not be?"
A round face harried by exhaustion and an obvious lack of
sleep peered down at her, beneath a brown cap patched darkly by
the rain. "No pulse, no breath, pale as snow, and now you
talking to me. Very strange story."
Fortunately, the Guide had brought a supply of Huoderenniquan water with
him....
As usual, however, he messed up, and doused Ukyou's body with
Spring-of-Drowned twins. Now there were _two_ dead Ucchans to deal with!
"Nabiki is not the only one who has died," she said in a low
voice. "Look down and see how many greave for their dead on that
grieve, I think you mean. A greave is... um... something else.
-.-
Will fix.
He could not say which hand, that of Life or Death, had
touched him then. It did not matter, he realized. He perceived
them as sisters, and they showed themselves as such, because it
was one way that was true. There were more.
Um... come again? I don't understand those last two lines.
I'll see if I can rephrase it more clearly, but I don't really think I
can... basically, this is another hint that everything happening is just a
poor reflection of something far greater, something that must wear masks to
even approach being comprehensible.
And then she was in Nodoka's arms, and Ranma's mother said
Suggest 'in the arms of Nodoka, who said....' Personal preference, I
suppose, but I like to minimize the use of this kind of
referring-to-the-same-character-by-two-different-handles thing.
I think I'm going to differ with you on this here. I'm emphasizing
Nodoka's motherly aspect in that one scene between her and Akane, so I
think the reference to her as Ranma's mother is appropriate.
"<Journey easy. The battle is done.>" A multitude of
torches reflected in the mountain stream, as the ashes of another
Joketsuzoku joined those floating or sinking within the shallow
depths. The Musk and the Phoenix had gathered their dead - they
had rituals of their own to perform. This was the Joketsuzoku's,
way the quick flame of the funeral pyre and the offering to the
water.
Think the comma should be after 'way,' not before.
Yup. Will fix.
"<Guilty,>" Shampoo answered honestly. "<What made us
worthy, and not them?>"
Being series regulars, of course. ^_^
Timing, mostly. :)
I'll have to reserve judgement on this until the next part, but my
feeling right now is that if you're gonna kill some of the regulars,
they should stay dead.
If I'd brought back all the regulars who have died throughout the series
then, yeah, I'd agree. But this chapter begins with the death of the
Phoenix-Dragon, and ends with her resurrection; the death and resurrection
of the characters is only a reflection of that.
A few small pebbles rolled underfoot, and clattered down the
slope to disappear into the encroaching darkness. They could see
the camp fires now, and the shadowy shapes of tents pitched down
Campfires should be one word, I think.
My spellcheck didn't like it. :)
Akane cried out. They merged into one. The sea rolled over
them. Salt stung her eyes, and she wept. He kissed her eyes,
lips brushed lashes damp with tears. The light filled the room
like gentle rain, like the rain falling on the bloody field...
And Ranma gets some action....
"It's about bloody time," said Ranma.
Looking forward to the exciting conclusion!
Yeah, so am I. Hopefully I can write it faster than I did this chapter...
Thanks for the commentary, Gary. Much appreciated.
Ciao,
-Alan Harnum