Thanks to Ammadeau, Donny Cheng, Alan Harnum, Richard Lawson,
and the C*B*L for pre-reading duties.
Characters belong to Gainax, and they need the money more than I
do probably - unless they get audited for fun.
P A G E S
by Lara Bartram
---------------
Page 21
It was almost enough to make her leave, run out on him.
Yet, she had asked him to tell, and here he was, opening up to
her with something he wasn't comfortable with at all.
If he had said he was afraid at any time before, Yui would
have laughed right in his face. "Why?"
Saying it had been hard enough, but explaining it wasn't
going to be any easier. In fact, he wasn't completely sure why
he felt that way. If it was Yui, or himself, or just the sudden
turn of events, it was a little... overwhelming.
There were suddenly so many things to make him doubt the
situation it wasn't possible to give voice to them all.
"Because of what I feel for you. I don't want..." Gendo
finally opened his eyes, enjoying the warmth of her hand on his
face, and was hypnotized by her worried gaze.
"Don't want what?" Yui asked, genuinely concerned.
"I don't want... to ever change the way I feel about you.
I don't want to lose you." The volume of his voice dropped. "I
think I would really die if I didn't have you around."
"Then why are you pushing me away? Why do you act like
this?" There was more there that he wasn't telling her.
"At the same time, I'm afraid... of you, for you. How you
might change me, or that I might change you." Her hand was
still touching him, like a beacon in the darkness of his doubt.
"We all change over time, Gendo," Yui said, trying to
sound reassuring. "That's nothing to be afraid of. You've
already changed me just by... being there, being the person you
are."
It was too late. He had contaminated her, changed her in
ways she would never recover from. The scathing words of his
mother couldn't be true; he would not allow them to be. "Don't
say that, Yui. I don't want you to become like me. That's why
I don't think moving in together is such a good idea."
"So you're afraid of commitment?" It was weird. She
didn't quite know what he was trying to say. If it was that he
was a bad person, he was wrong. Yui knew he wasn't bad;
perhaps a bit misguided, but... there was a sweetness in that
she couldn't deny. "Gendo, why would I have ever suggested
living together, for financial reasons or otherwise, if I didn't
want you more in my life? That's why I want to know as much as
I can about you.
"I see things going on behind your eyes, but have no idea
what they are. So I'm going to ask you one thing, and if you
really don't want to, you have to say so. Okay?"
Gendo nodded miserably.
"Trust me enough to know that I love you. And trust me
enough to let me know what's going on behind your eyes. If you
don't trust me that much, then... we won't move in together."
Yui removed her hand from his cheek and stepped back. 'Trust
me,' she thought. 'It's the only thing.'
Of course he trusted her, but then why did he have to be
so jealous? Because he... didn't believe her. It wasn't about
trust, but self-worth. Why wouldn't she run off with a man like
Fuyutsuki who could provide her with everything she wanted? He
was, after all, smart and had a stable income, and a comfortable
place to live probably...
And who was Gendo Rokubungi? Nobody. Nothing. A man
just like his father, doomed to a life of mediocrity, with a
mediocre wife and mediocre children who would carry on the quite
mediocre family name.
Someone like Yui would only make people notice just how
inadequate he was in comparison to her. What a failure he was,
what a... completely inferior person he was. "I'm... so sorry,
Yui," he finally whispered.
"So that's it. Then I guess..." Yui paused and wiped her
eyes. "I guess we're through, because I can't do this again.
Not like this."
She was about to turn away, but his voice stopped her. "I
trust you, but I'm... I'm not nearly as good a person as you
think I am."
---
Page 22
"Do you trust me? I really believe you do."
"I do, but I could never be..."
"You already are, so just relax and let me in, because I
want to help."
Gendo sat in the chair at his desk and looked at his
hands, his fingers twisted together. "I'll... never amount to
anything. Just like my father. In a small apartment, with a
dull job, and... and no-account kids and an ungrateful wife."
He looked up to see her staring at him in shock. "I don't
want to drag you down into the only life I've ever known."
"You don't have to end up like that. You can be different
than your father," Yui said softly, sitting down on the bed,
resting her hands primly in her lap. "You can break that cycle,
and I'd like to help you."
"Don't you understand? After all these years, I'm still
in college with no real prospects, I don't have a life... I'm
just like my father!"
"No, you're not. You can't be because you will never have
an ungrateful wife. Not while you have me."
The two looked at each other, no words being spoken. It
was far too late for anything to be retracted; everything was
out there to be... not discussed.
"That's what I mean. That's what scares me. I just don't
know. Everything's so... unstable. Should I move in with you,
shouldn't I... Should I..." Gendo growled in frustration. "I
want... more than maybe I deserve, but I don't want to be denied
it either."
Yui considered it for a moment. "Maybe you haven't said
as much, but I believe you trust me, and since you do... Move
in with me. This isn't a question."
"I can't make you..."
"You're right. This is why I'm telling you that you're
going to be doing this. My choice, and what I think is your
choice too. Now don't bother arguing because it won't change my
mind. I'm going to keep a close watch on you, and the easiest
way to do that is to have you living with me." Her voice was
quiet and understanding, but also commanding.
"Okay," he replied meekly.
"And don't act like that. It doesn't become you; it's not
really who you are. Maybe it's how you think you are, or think
you should be." Yui stood and stalked toward Gendo.
She put her hands on either arm of the chair he was in and
leaned down. "Gendo, please..." Yui really had nothing else to
say, but it was obvious that he just wasn't able to deal with
the root of his problems.
"Sometimes, at night, when I'm not with you, I feel like
I'm in a completely different place, and it's cold and dark.
But then, when I see you in the morning, before class, you're
like an angel, and I would do anything for you." Gendo stood
slowly, his body pushing Yui's away, their noses touching.
"So is my angel going to save me? Because I think I'm in
desperate need of it, and I only want it from her."
"Happily. Just don't think that you won't amount to
anything again. It's not true, and I'll make you see that, no
matter what." They were standing, face to face, their bodies
barely in contact, and the tension that had been thick between
them dissipated.
"I hate feeling like that. I try to not think about it,
but sometimes I just can't help it." That was exactly it; with
her so close, so willing to help, she was his light when the
darkness of depression threatened to swallow him whole. "I need
you."
Yui smiled. "That's good because I'm not leaving any time
soon. So how does me making you move in with me sound? Better
than before?"
"Yeah. And I think now I can say, a bit tentatively, that
I trust you. And I love you."
"I will never be an ungrateful wife. Never."
---
Page 23
"You could do all of this in your sleep. Why don't you
talk to the profes..."
"I don't think so. I have no interest in working with
him, and he probably feels the same about me." Gendo didn't
remove his eyes from the pile of notes he was going over.
"But that's not the point," Yui said, snatching them from
his hands. "I mean, we all get along in a professional sense,
but we're certainly not all friends." She shuffled through the
notes until she found what she was looking for. "Here, quiz
me."
Gendo sighed. "If you think I know this in my sleep, you
could recite it when you're dead. Can't we take a break?"
"Two more chapters and then we can stop. What's the big
deal? It's not like this is over your head."
Shrugging, Gendo said simply, "It's pretty easy. I don't
know why you need to study so much."
"Remember? I'm a studying fiend." Yui poked him in the
chest. "I think you would benefit from being a bit more...
fiendish yourself."
Gendo looked up at her slowly. "You have... quite a way
with words, Yui. You should be a little more careful."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"Because someone might take it the wrong way."
"Someone?"
"It could be me."
Yui shrugged. "Maybe I want you to take it the wrong
way."
"Hmm. And what happened to all that talk about no funny
business?"
"I didn't say never, did I?"
This time, Gendo pulled the notes from Yui's hands and
dropped them to the floor. "I'm taking you out tonight, finals
or no finals."
"But I..." Yui started to protest.
"You should have thought about that before you started
your little word games. And since I _know_ you wouldn't want
any of that funny business you're so fond of teasing me with,
I'm going to take you out." As he figured, Yui didn't protest.
"Okay then. Where are we going?" she asked, smiling,
though quickly added, "And it had better not be back to your
place for pizza."
Gendo looked genuinely hurt, but Yui didn't believe it for
a moment. "What happened to that whole trust thing? I really
am trying to take into account how serious you are about class
and all."
For a moment, Yui just looked at him. "You know, our
moods don't agree often enough. I'm serious, you're silly... I
want to relax, and you're a stick in the mud. We need to
coordinate better," she said, wagging her finger at him.
"Fine. Then right now we need to agree to go out." Gendo
stood and took Yui's hands. He hauled her to her feet and
jerked her against him slightly. "I'm going to take you out,"
he repeated quietly, looking in her eyes, "and we're going to
have fun."
One corner of Yui's mouth turned up and she nodded. "This
won't work all the time with me."
"As long as it works now, I'm not going to worry about it.
So let's go before you change your mind." Gendo pulled her
toward the door, leaving their study materials all over the
floor.
"Why are you forceful in a situation like this?" Yui
asked, careful not to step on anything.
"Because it's for your own good, and you don't look after
that enough." He opened the door. "So I'm going to watch it
for you. And this is just a little something to eat. No harm."
"You need a haircut."
Gendo stopped and looked back at Yui, perplexed by her
sudden change of subject.
"A haircut. Actually, it looks like you could use a
weedwhacker on that mop of yours. And I bet with the shape of
your face, you'd look really good in some smaller glasses."
The look Yui was giving him was enough to make him want to
slink back to his room. "Are sure that's all that's wrong?"
---
Page 24
The table was to the rear of the restaurant, but that only
afforded them a little more privacy.
"You have something on the corner of your mouth," Yui
warned in a whisper.
Gendo wiped his mouth as inconspicuously as possible.
"Did I get it?"
"It's still there."
He tried again. "Now?"
Yui shook her head. "Let me get it." With her own
napkin, she reached over and wiped gently at the side of his
mouth, letting her other fingers caress his face. "Are you sure
you can afford this?" she asked, trying not to damage his pride.
"Easily. Don't worry about it; just enjoy yourself." He
couldn't afford it that easily, but there was no way he was
going Dutch. That would have been flat-out tacky.
"Gendo, do you really not want me to work with Professor
Fuyutsuki any longer?" she asked, seemingly out of the blue.
Gendo took a drink of water, not answering soon enough to
calm her worries. He set his glass down carefully and looked at
his dinner companion. "I would like to, but..."
Yui, who had been grimacing, perked up. "But what?"
"But I can't. I can't ask you to do something like that.
I know how much it means to you." Gendo sighed helplessly and
looked at the table. "As long as you say it's just work, I
can't really... make you do anything."
It was Yui's turn to sigh, but it was more... relaxed.
"I'm glad you told me that. Even if I don't necessarily agree,
I'm glad you told me what you were thinking."
"I guess. It still feels... wrong to me. To just... not
care about what's happening with you..."
"Don't be silly. I know you care," Yui scolded. "If you
didn't, you wouldn't act like such a Neanderthal. I don't like
it, but I know men, and that in some way, you can't help it.
You're just born that way."
"Gee, thanks. You really know how to put the whole thing
into perspective, don't you?"
"You do that on purpose, don't you? That sad look on your
face doesn't work the way you think it does, so just give it a
rest." She reached across the table and took Gendo's hand. "I
don't mind, really. I like spending time with you, so I
overlook your behavior."
"Every time you talk to me like this, I have to wonder
why. Why would you ever want to go out with me? You know
how..."
"I know plenty. Not everything, but enough to make me
want to know everything about you. And maybe cure you of some
of those problems."
"You sound like an animal trainer when you talk like that,
Yui. Am I really that pathetic? I need someone to pity me and
set me straight?" For once, Yui's touch didn't help him, didn't
make him feel better.
"Gendo, don't say things like that. I just want... I
want you to..."
"To depend on you? I don't depend on anyone for anything.
I don't want you to take care of me!" Suddenly realizing the
volume of his voice, Gendo lowered it. "I don't need you to
take care of me."
Lips pursed, Yui stood and went to the other side of the
table. She leaned down to whisper in his ear, "But I want to
take care of you. That's how you make me feel." Yui stood up
straight again and looked down. "I don't want to act like your
mother. I want to act like your... your..."
Gendo watched her as her voice faltered. Like his...
girlfriend? Like something more than that? That was hard to
contemplate. "Yui, I told you all those things before, and I
hope you... realize that those feelings just aren't going to go
away. And that bothers me. I just can't understand..."
"Don't try to understand. Just accept the fact that I
love you."
---
Page 25
"It was a mistake to come here," Gendo said quietly.
"This is... all wrong."
Yui smiled gently, hoping it would put him at ease, as she
retook her seat. "It's not wrong. I don't think there's
anything wrong with us being together and talking like this."
"We should have been having a nice dinner, not listening
to me go on and on about..."
"Gendo, hush. Let's just eat now and we can talk about it
later. I don't think we'll accomplish much here."
Propping his head in his hands, Gendo found himself no
longer hungry. "I really shouldn't have brought this up when
you have finals to worry about."
"You have finals too. Aren't you worried about them?"
Gendo looked up at her, his eyes sparkling with mischief.
"No. It's not worth it to get worried over finals."
"Oh, that's right. You know everything." Yui stuck her
tongue out at him, just glad that his mood had lifted.
"That's just what I'd expect from a mature woman like
yourself. Always so proper and refined..."
"And how refined do you think this is?" she said quietly,
and very briefly flipped him off so no one else would see.
Gendo grinned. "Yeah, that's what I'm used to from you.
You like to pretend you're so concerned about school and work,
but..."
"But what?"
"But I see that person inside, just waiting to come out,
waiting to throw off all this working and studying."
Yui shook her head. "Well it's nice to know Rokubungi the
Magnificent doesn't know everything, even if you've fooled
everyone else."
"I think the only one I've fooled is you. The professors
sure don't think much of me," Gendo countered, trading easy
smiles with Yui.
"I also know you better than that. The overall effect is
quite... cute." At the wince her comment received, Yui's smile
widened. "Are we done here yet? Sitting around at my place
would be more fun than here, I think."
"Let's get the rest of it to go then. It is a bit
pretentious here, isn't it?" He was losing his edge and it was
all because of Yui. There was something like a warm glow in
him, especially when she expressed something that he agreed
with.
Did she know? Did he have the same affect on her? He
certainly didn't have the nerve to ask. Instead, he just sighed
quietly as he looked at her.
"I recognize that look and that sigh," Yui said, though
bringing up specific examples as to why would probably have been
a bad thing.
"Get used to it."
"Your attitude has really changed, and I like that a lot."
It was becoming more and more obvious to her that this apartment
wasn't simply a financial decision. In the beginning, she had
done a very good job of convincing herself otherwise, but now...
"I doubt you're thinking what I'm thinking," Gendo said,
noting the far-away look in Yui's eyes.
"You're probably right."
"There's one good thing to come out of this dinner, even
if the food was overpriced."
"What's that?"
"You look great in this light."
For some reason, Yui blushed and looked down at the table,
smiling shyly. "You're just saying that," she whispered.
"You know I'm not. Now who's pushing who away? You'll
just have to accept the truth."
Yui's blush deepened. "Stop kidding around, Gendo."
"I'm not, and I'll tell you something else."
Lifting her head, Yui was almost afraid to meet Gendo's
gaze.
"I'm really looking forward to moving in with you."
---
lara@emunix.emich.edu
http://www.thekeep.org/~lara/index.html