-----Original Message-----
From: Nicholas Stone <bnstone@ix.netcom.com>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: quite a few people but their addy's
take up room
Date: 08 October 1999 08:49
Subject: [FFML] Dark Family 3 Part 7(repost)
I just spent quite a bit of time this afternoon doing this,
so I apologise if any obvious errrors get to my C7C.
Everything in my opinion only. I'm not claiming that my
comments are totally right and everyone else's are wrong.
Feel free to reject anything I say.
Also, I C&C'ed as I read it for the first time.
"Yeah, we can go back to China now," added Huuchu-so.
Renon arch a brow. Allowing the Zuchen brother to
leave did not fit into his plans, but it would be
detrimental to him if they did. Their presence made him
"But" doesn't seem right there... try "and" instead.
Or get rid of the comma and the "but" and put a semi-colon
there instead.
Sneering angrily at Ranma, Renon sat back and kicked
An extra space between "back" and "and".
However, Renon was in no mode to hear Akane's threats.
Do you mean "mode" or "mood"?
"Itchioni nodded. "He's on the brink of ignoring his
You've got an extra " at the beginning of the sentence.
Renon chuckled. "Let's just say the icing on the cake
for both Nabiki and Ranma. Their... final `acts' in this
drama."
"nnooo." moaned Akane.
Since I'm assuming that the small caps is on purpose,
I'll just inform you that the first full stop/period should be a
comma.
Revulsion passed through Itchioni, but he hid it behind
a mask of calm. To see the dark side of Marcus all these
many years finally wore down his patience. Action need to
be taken, a time to finish what had begun so long ago.
Hmmmm.....
"Excellent," replied Renon. Let me know when those two
problems have been eradicated."
"Let me know
"Yes," answered Tofu. "I took a chance and I gave him
your address, Konatsu."
Konatsu, seated next to the window, turned away from
his silent vigil. "Understandable, Doctor. I did not feel
any malice from him when I delivered your message."
After what happened at the beginning of this post, I now
feel a great misunderstanding is about to be set up.
A police car sat at the curb, lights out, it's two
its two
Ono frowned. One police car? Okay sensible if
Okay, sensible if
"We're gonna die!" Hikaru exclaimed again.
"Will you stop saying that!" Tsubasa shouted back at
him.
Apparently, Marcus's assassins found that funny,
They're not the only ones. Gosunkugi's quite a good piece
of light relief in this.
"Hey... hey," panted Hikaru, kneeling on all fours on
the sidewalk. "Anybody recognize that voice?"
"Sounded familiar, but I can't rightly place it,"
answered Tsubasa.
Hmmmm.... #2
Kasumi shook her head. "No," she replied defiantly,
moving in front of Doctor Tofu.
"Kasumi!" cried Ono, but she waved him off.
"They won't shoot me, Ono. Marcus will have their
heads if I'm harmed."
An odd standoff began, Kasumi bravely staring down the
two imposters. They fidgeted nervously, not sure what to do
next.
<waves flag with a name on it> Gooo, Kasumi!
The pistol turned towards Kurenai.
"NO, DON'T" cried Kasumi.
Looks like you're missing an exclamation mark here.
Seems a bit awkward without one.
"Mousse?" he gasped.
Mousse stood over Marcus's men, looking for any signs
of movement. Hearing Doctor Tofu's call he turned around,
briefly lifted his glasses, squinted his eyes, then smiled.
<hastily puts down one flag and picks up another one>
Gooo, Mousse!
"I came to get you all. Didn't Lieutenant Kira tell
you I was coming?"
Surprised, Doctor Tofu turned to Konatsu. "Proof," he
said.
*phew* Misunderstanding averted.
"Oh Doc!" he cried, turning around.
The laptop computer was ruined, the casing shattered
and cracked where the bullet had lodged itself. Gosunkugi's
lips formed into a pout, and he hugged the machine close to
his chest.
Ono and the rest of the group traded lost looks.
"Really, Hikaru. You must get out more," he said.
ROTFL! 'Fraid to say I might do the same thing as Gos. ^_^;
"It's dead. Doc, they killed the computer," sobbed
Gosunkugi.
*sob*
"Is he for real?" exclaimed Mousse.
"I'm afraid so," replied Konatsu.
Kasumi hugged Hikaru. "There, there. We'll get you a
new one, Gosunkugi," she said.
"We will?" stammered Ono.
This just keeps get funnier....
"Ryoga, what are you doing?" asked Akari.
The barking stopped. Ryoga inched back down, but
remained tense, nerves on end.
Foreshadowing if I ever saw it... and it ups the tension
level. Good, good.
Quietly, they listened to the night air. Several bays
and barks echoed form the barnyard, then Katsunishiki
hulking form stood up. Ryoga quickly jumped out of the
futon, running over to the door. He pressed up against the
wall, listening for a moment before going into a crouch next
to the sumo pig.
Tension upped even further. Even though I kind of knew
this would happen, I'm still nervously tapping my fingers.
Time seemed to stand still for Akari. She held her
breath, listening a moment. Footsteps came from the hall,
<also holding breath>
and she tensed wondering if it was safe or not the peek out.
or not to peek out.
The Biwako-Ohashi Bridge
Midnight;
Tatewaki sloshed out of the cold dark waters of Lake
Biwa-ko, Kodachi latched tightly on his back; Sasuke a few
steps behind. The overturned boat they had used as a raft
sank short of the shoreline, and it took considerable effort
to make the last few meters to safety.
Yay! The Kuno bunch are back! They're always fun to hang
out with.
Tatewaki frowned, looking back at his deranged sister.
"You want me to climb up there?"
Kodachi looked up at the rise. "Yes," she replied.
A brow narrowed. "With you on my back?"
"Yes."
"Kodachi, I am soaking wet, my clothes, not to mention
this breastplate, weigh a ton. You are soaking wet, and you
weigh about three tons."
"So?"
"Get off!" snapped Tatewaki.
See? Sibling arguments are usually the most interesting
to watch.
She ignored his comment. "And my fingers, not to
mention my toes, feel all wrinkly. I must look like a
prune."
Tatewaki rounded on her. "Would you rather look like a
corpse?"
Kodachi pondered a second. "No. Then I would appear
all bloated and fat."
*thud* I can't believe she just said that. Then again,
going on her personality traits in past parts of this....
Clutching the sides of his head, Tatewaki let out a
strained growl, turning away from his sister in frustration.
Aha! So that's why Tachi seems so unbalanced in the
canon... 'Dachi's driven him insane!
Kodachi sputtered, swatting away more branches. "Well
let's move on Tachi before these trees ruin what's left of
my looks."
let's move on, Tachi, before
Tatewaki stood still; Kodachi's eyes wide with fear;
Sasuke in stance ready for anything. The sound of
stretching cord cut the air, and Tatewaki wrapped an arm
around Kodachi's waist as he dived into the brush. Sasuke
followed suit, seconds an arrow streaked through the air
Do you mean "seconds later an arrow"?
Maybe try:
'Sasuke followed suit. Seconds later, an arrow streaked
through the air.'
"Why, why thank you, Master Kuno."
"Don't mention it. Now get ready, its time to make
Kuno history."
it's time to make
The battle between Tatewaki, Sasuke, and the ninja
assassins picked up in earnest breaking off into two
separate brawls flowing through the now halted traffic
around it. As Tatewaki juke, dodged and backed his way
Juke?
through the cars and trucks, he warned for their passengers
to get down and stay inside for their safety. There was no
argument from most of the innocent spectators, especial
got a cut-off word - 'especial'?
The bolt passed through the air with a loud hiss.
Kodachi heard its approach, to late to react. Unexpectedly,
too late to
He re-closed the window and was frantically jabbering
on his CB radio.
"The help now a days," muttered Kodachi with a sigh.
I'm pretty sure "now a days" is one word: "nowadays".
Back near the center divider, Asaiko and her ninja
teams continued their hunt for Kodachi. Extra caution was
being taken, several of the assassins felled by Kodachi's
marksmanship. Nari stood with arrow notch on the concrete
partition scanning for any sign of the Kuno.
"...Kunos." or is the lack of "s" a deliberate style thing
for the way Nari thinks?
"Ko-daaa-chi," she called, inching slowly along.
Beneath one of the cars not far ahead, Kodachi combat
Kodachi combat? Is that a new name? :p
A call went up, one of Asaiko's ninja's spotting her.
He quickly received an arrow to the throat, gurgling as he
pitched back out of sight. Kodachi burst from he position,
racing down the side of the partition.
from her position
"DIE!" raged Asaiko, letting loose with an arrow of her
own.
Just for curiosity's sake, how do you say "Asaiko"?
Realizing if she was to stand any chance of survival,
Kodachi would have to rejoin her brother, or Sasuke, and
fast!
That sentence looks and sounds awkward. It looks
like there is a bit missing from the end of the sentence.
It's like you've started setting off the structure of the
sentence one way and then changed your mind.
Try saying it out loud and see what you think.
Perhaps change it from:
'Realizing if she was to stand any chance of survival,
Kodachi would have to rejoin her brother, or Sasuke,
and fast!'
to:
'Kodachi realized that if she was to stand any chance
of survival, she would have to rejoin her brother, or
Sasuke, and fast.'
or, maybe:
'If she was to stand any chance of survival, Kodachi
knew she would have to rejoin her brother, or Sasuke,
and fast.'
Just suggestions.
Everything appeared to be moving slow motion, a cold
chill flushing Tatewaki's skin as he watched Kodachi
screaming at the top of her lungs, an arrow lodged deep in
her chest. She gripped the shaft with both hands, teeth
grit tight together trying to pull it out. The pain
engulfed Kodachi, and she sank to her knees.
*blink* Whoa, that was an unexpected and well done paragraph.
"And that is?"
She reached up, pulling his head closer. "You better
not sell one portion of my stock to that bitch, Nabiki!" she
scowled up at him.
<blank look> Whut? Eh? Stock? <regains senses>
And I thought Kodachi couldn't surprise me any further.
Her cries carried up into the night sky, and Tatewaki
hugged his sister close rocking her gently while they waited
for help to arrive.
And it better arrive soon. <draws out sharp instruments
and grins evilly>
Another glance at the monitor, Oneda sat up and pulled
out his cell phone again.
"Hello, this is Lieutenant Oneda Kira. I need to speak
with the Prime Minister. It's urgent."
Woohoo, justice will be served! <pause> Hopefully....
A sinister grin formed, Renon Marcus kneeling down
behind Nodoka. He ran his fingers through the lengths of
her long hair, toying at the ends.
"I plan too, Nodoka. Ranma has a task he must perform
for me today."
"I plan to, Nodoka.
"It's to bad you son is such a stubborn young man," he
"It's too bad your son
That was enough for Nodoka. She spun around, and in
the flash of an instant brought the palm of her hand sharply
across Marcus's face. The sting from the slap startled
Marcus, and his head jerked to one side. He quickly
recovered, catching Nodoka's recoiling arm by the wrist
before it could draw fully back.
Good for you, Nodoka! ^o^
He paused a moment, the anger suddenly melting away
into a sinister grin.
"Ah, yes. I cannot wait to see your face Nodoka, after
this afternoon's pleasantry." He let out a short chuckle,
flopping down into his chair.
your face, Nodoka,
"Yes, it will be interesting. Then we'll see who's
will is the stronger."
we'll see whose will is the
Asaiko nodded thankfully as she went in to the room.
When the door closed, the two cops looked at each other and
headed off down the hall.
Something's going on...
A small light on the far wall dimly lighted Kodachi's
room. Asaiko moved towards the bed, eyes locked on the
figure huddled up beneath the blankets. That annoying tuff
of hair so familiar with the Kuno family could be seen, and
Asaiko sneered evilly.
Something's definitely going on... I can feel it. She's being set up.
THWIPTH!
TUNK!
THWIPTH!
TUNK!
THWIPTH!
TUNK!
Asaiko stopped. She frowned at the bed, the body in
it, and the three scorched holes.
Tunk, she wondered?
Waahaha! Good one!
It was Tatewaki Kuno, seated daiyamo fashion, right
hand resting on the pommel of his samurai sword stuck blade
first into the ground. Sasuke knelt on one knee to his
left, and behind them on either side stood the officers of
the riot police arrayed around them.
I like that image. You're done for, Miska. <evil grin>
"I knew you would," he said, pulling his sword from the
ground as he stood up. "Prepare yourself cretin to feel the
wrath of `Blue Thunder'."
"Prepare yourself, cretin, to feel the
Ryoga stood looking down on Akari's sleeping form, a
thin beam of sunlight playing across her face. He wished
she would stay this way for a few hours longer. There would
be no chance that happening, Akari, or Katsuni's ears sure
suggest: chance of that happening
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep too well, and... well its time
to thinking about what's happening today."
it's time to be thinking
He pulled the door open slightly; sunlight bathing them in
it's warm glow.
its warm glow
Ryoga swallowed lightly.
"Katsunishiki," said Akari. "Behave with you're
jealous self."
behave with you're jealous self? Eh? I know what
you mean... but the sentence just doesn't look right.
Maybe change the "you're" to "your".
"Ryoga... Ryoga, why are you wearing so many bandanas
on your arms?" she asked out of curiosity.
Here it comes....
"Ryoga, Ryoga, please!"
He paused, looking sadly back at them.
"I'm sorry, Akari," he said, closing the door shut
behind him.
"RRRYYYOOOOGGGAAAAA!!!!"
It's good to see that Ryoga's stubbornness is overcoming his
weakness with girls. Well, I'm hoping that it's good news.
I'll just have to wait and see....
"Doctor, if I may suggest, why don't we step up our
search of Furinkan Township," said Yamaguchi.
Township?" said
(Unless it's been deliberately phrased as a statement
and not a question)
"Well that aught to teach you to try and blind side me,
"ought to" (unless "aught" is the North American spelling
of the word)
And I'm pretty sure "blind side" is one word, it sounds like
it should be one word.
"There will be no need, Nabiki," replied Tosa.
She frowned at him. How could this looser of a lawyer
loser of a lawyer
Marcus's hitmen steadily approached, ready to finish
Ryoga off. Through blurred eyes he could only watch them,
helpless, too dazed to even lift an arm.
Okay, so maybe he shouldn't have tied Akari up...
"Ryoga!"
Luckily, she knew her knots. She musta been a girl scout. :)
Nabiki's shoulders sagged. She sat forward, dejected.
"I'm going to the hole, and you are confident." Nabiki
suddenly rounded on him again. "Tell me what's too be so
confident about!"
what's to be so confident
Ryoga raced over. He lifted an arm, finding it limp as
spaghetti and then dropped it.
That's a cute simile.
"Good job guy," he said. Katsunishiki let out an evil
grunt as he rose up.
"Good job, guy,"
The gate guard seated in his booth could only watch in
growing apprehension as the odd sight of a motorcycle and
hulking pig shot past. "Hey!" he cried, dashing out to rage
at them at the top of his lungs. "Hey, no pet's allowed!
No Motorcycles allowed!"
No motorcycles
(On a side note, that was some amusing dialogue between
Akari and Ryoga)
"Ryoga, by now those creeps have called in the
reserves, with more on the way. It will be like that song,
how did it go? Oh yeah, BAM! Bad Guys fill the room!"
Ryoga eyed her for a moment. He laughed, planting a
fond kiss on the top of her head.
"Uh, I think it's `Bam! Black Suits fill the room',
<waves hand in air> Ooh! Musical reference! Teacher!
Me know it! Me know it!
"BASTARDS!" he cried, bursting his was through the mob.
Katsunishiki joined him, covering his move.
bursting his way
(And, man, a furious Ryoga is not someone to mess with)
Akari was thrust away, the Ninja turning with a knife
poised ready to fly. He was to late as Ryoga's rock hard
he was too late
Moisture crept down his hands, a warm flow that soaked
the back of Akari's blouse. Ryoga drew back his hand and
found it stained with blood; a knife stuck in the lower part
of her back.
I think the correct thing to say is: oh, shi--
Ryoga ran in close trail a few steps behind, making
sure nothing happened to Akari. The hospital staff took
over, and he stopped as they closed the doors. Peering in
through on of the windows, there was not much he could see
except a team of doctors and nurses working feverishly to
stabilize his girlfriend's condition.
through one of the windows
This day had gone so sour, Ryoga staggering over to a
near by chair sitting down. He held his head in his hands,
Sentence sounds weird. Maybe:
'This day has gone so sour, Ryoga thought as he staggered
over to a nearby chair and sat down.'
Or even:
'This day has gone so sour, Ryoga thought. He staggered
over to a nearby chair and sat down.'
was nothing he could do to help the situation. He had faith
in the doctors, and there still was the matter of revenge to
attend too.
attend to.
Sapparo narrowed his eyes. "That is for me too know
right now, Saotome."
to know right now
A shudder passed, Ranma sitting up. He leaned against
a tree and sighed. "How am I too help you if I don't even
am I to help you
Tension mounted as the people in the House of
Councilors Chambers awaited the appearance of the Prime
Minister and His Highness; the Emperor. Nabiki had been
escorted to the defendants box, and stood quietly despite
defendant's box
The Prime Minister sat forwards, leveling a withering
stare on her. "Nabiki Tendo, it is the decision of this
court, at the behest of His Highness the Emperor, that you
are to be executed without delay."
Someone better do something quick or heads are gonna be rolling....
The Prime Minister's gavel returned silence to the
court. "In addition, since this was an affront not only to
myself and the Emperor, you will be executed by beheading as
per Imperial edicts."
...Hey, my above statement wasn't aimed at 'Biki, dammit!
"Oh, oh yes. Forgive me, sirs. I would like to
present new testimony into the case."
<grumbles> About time too....
"You turn had come and gone long ago, Prosecutor," said
another.
"Your turn had come and gone
"I am not appealing sir," replied Tosa. He approached
not appealing, sir
That caught Yamaguchi off guard. "You're not worried
about the Kunos' and their testimony?"
Renon sat back. "I am concerned, Itchioni, but we
still have several cards to play. Things I trust will turn
out."
<face pales> Uh oh.
Wanabe smirked. He reached into his jacket and pulled
out a pair of black gloves and pulled them on. "Run, Miss
Tendo," he said again.
A quick glance behind them found nothing life
threatening to her. Nabiki could not understand what is was
Detective Tamigari was trying to do.
She takes a while to catch on, doesn't she? ^_^
Nearly forgot this: 'not understand what it was'
Wanabe pointed his pistol at her again, drawing the
hammer back.
Ack! Nonono...
"Lieutenant Kira, bring us this Renon Marcus. Dead or
Alive."
or alive."
"And he will pay, Nabiki Tendo. He will pay."
<rubs hands in manic glee> Heh heh heh.....
"I'm sorry Akane, mom, dad. I know you can't hear me,
but I've got to stop Sapparo. Please forgive me."
"I'm sorry, Akane, Mom, Dad." (Since he's using "mom"
and "dad" as names he addresses them by)
Throwing the door open, Ranma bolted out heading for
the Prime Minister's Office, praying he was not to late.
not too late
"I already have, Ranma. Thanks to you, the police will
think you in conjunction with Nabiki Tendo, have
assassinated the good Prime Minister."
think you, in conjunction with Nabiki Tendo, have
"Look's like we've both been had, Sapparo!" he said,
tossing the dislodged toupee at him.
Another twist in a very twisted tale.
Ranma cast the vial aside. "I've been poisoned, pal!"
he replied. "Marcus gave me something that's tearing up my
insides. If I don't get him soon, I'm dead."
Ken reached down and helped Ranma to his feet. "Let's
get you to a hospital then."
"No! I've got to go and rescue my family and friends!
You gotta help me before Marcus kills them!"
The game's far from over, I see. There is still much that can
go horribly wrong for the Ranma gang, though.
Overall, another entertaining chapter. I thought the fight scene
between Sapparo & Ranma was well described. And when the
Kunos fought Nari and co. among the cars, that was a fun ride
too (apart from the bit with 'Dachi and her meeting with the arrow).
The early bits with the Kunos were quite funny in places --
the modification of their 'Plans', an annoying Kodachi, a
long-suffering Tachi putting up with her, and 'Dachi trying to flag
down a vehicle in her own way. It was good to see Nabiki
display a sense of humour just before her trial. It helped loosen
the stranglehold of tension involving her scenes.
~Kayu-chan
"You never really understand a person until you
consider things from his point of view... until
you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
~Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
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