Comments##


    From:"Thomas Hood" <thood3@HOTMAIL.COM>  | Block
address           
      To:<ffml@fanfic.com>                            
         
 Subject:[FFML][FANFIC][RANMA][LEMON][DRAFT1]The
Perverted
         Oni Chapter 1
    Date:Wed, 6 Oct 1999 16:09:20 -0230

The Perverted Oni
By: Thomas Hood(thood3@hotmail.com)

Started: 09/27/99(introductory idea draft posted to
FFML)
First Draft: 10/06/99(first draft of chapter 1 posted
to FFML)

Written using Notepad for Windows 95. Max. Column
width: 70 Characters
Fixed-width font recommended for reading('Courier New'
is good)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1: The Demon Unleashed

"Hey Akane, do you really think Kasumi would like any
of this stuff?"
Ranma was bored. This old junk shop Akane had taken
him to was dusty
and full of, well, junk. He could think of a thousand
things he'd
rather be doing than this.

"Positive, Ranma! Kasumi loves old things. We just
need to find the
right gift, that's all." Akane picked up an
old-looking clock from
a shelf. "Hmm..." She checked it all over, then shook
her head and put
it down. She moved down the aisle, examining various
items of
interest.

Ranma was bored, bored, BORED. 'Argh!' Some dust got
up his nose and
he sneezed, accidentally banging into a table lined
with old pottery.
One of the pieces, a ceramic vial, toppled off the
table and landed
with a smash, shattering to pieces.
##A ceramic vial toppled (don't need "One of the
pieces") Slows the action.

 A small piece of paper that had
been wrapped around the stopper came loose, and
fluttered away under
the table. "Aw man," he grumbled, gathering the
shards, "now I gotta
pay for this piece o' junk." Where his father would
have hid the
evidence of his misdeed, Ranma felt a bit more
responsible than that.
##He hid the misdeed with the "Cursed Doll" and with
almost exactly the same
thing happening. He covers up the damage to the doll
for fear he'll be made to
pay for it. The circumstances are so close that this
really does seem strange and OOC.
He just hoped it wouldn't cost him too much. Heading
up to the front
of the shop, he put the shards on the counter. "How
much is it," he
sighed. The curator briefly glanced at the pieces,
then did a
doubletake.

"Sir, this... where did you get this?!"

Ranma looked puzzled. "It was on the table with all
the other bits of
pottery, 'n stuff like that. I accidentally knocked it
over. Sorry
'bout that," he apologized.
##A little wordy for Ranma. 

The curator scratched his head. "How did that get out
here? Those are
not for sale..."

Ranma groaned. Even better, a PRICELESS piece of junk.
"So what do I
gotta do to pay ya back?"
##Cute.

The curator shook his head distractedly. "No, no,
that's quite
alright, it wasn't really WORTH anything..."
##Errr. A few too many (...). I do the same thing
myself. :(

That was all Ranma needed to hear. "Really? Alright!
Thanks, mister!"
Exclaimed Ranma, happy as a clam. 
##I think you can drop the "Exclaimed...clam." bit. It
isn't needed and really doesn't fit.

The curator waved him off, still
trying to figure out how the vial was even on display.
He was the only
one here, and HE hadn't put it out... Suddenly he
remembered WHY he
hadn't put that vial out in the first place. It was
broken, too...
He looked up to warn the boy, but he was gone. 'Oh
well, it was
probably a fake, anyway,' he thought to himself,
shrugging.
##???This really doesn't set the mood if you're going
for drama and it's not
funny. re-write.

Ranma had quickly realized that Akane had left
already. Leaving the
shop, Ranma caught up with Akane walking down the
street. She smiled
and showed him the ivory elephant she bought for
Kasumi for her
birthday.
## "for Kasumi's birthday." OR "bought Kasumi for her
birthday." 
 "What do you think?"

"Looks okay," he shrugged. Akane glared at him. "Why'd
you bring me
along, anyway? Couldn't do this by yourself, eh?" he
said mockingly.
##mockingly is understood from context. 

"I THOUGHT you might be interested in finding out the
kind of things
Kasumi likes. Or have you gotten her a gift already?"
Akane asked
archly.
##Don't need �archly'. Understood from context.

 Ranma looked away and shrugged his shoulders
helplessly. She
smirked. "Thought not. We'll do this again tomorrow,
maybe we'll find
something for you to get her then." She checked her
watch. "Hey, it's
almost time for supper! We'll be late!" She dashed
off, leaving her
fiancee in the dust.

"Hey, wait for me!" Ranma yelled, running after her.

Behind them, a thin stream of smoke oozed under the
door of the dusty
old shop and followed them down the street. At the
head of the snake-
like stream, two thin slitted eyes glowed red as they
watched the
young martial-artist that had freed it. 'Perfect,'
came the dark
thought, 'he will suit my... tastes... well.'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kasumi had just laid out supper when they dashed
through the front
door. "I'm home!" yelled Akane. Ranma made similar
noises.
## "Ranma made similar noises." sounds a little
strange.

"Welcome home," greeted Kasumi, "Mr. Saotome hasn't
come down yet, so
you're just in time."

"Yeah, the old man would suck everything down given
the chance,"
Ranma commented wryly.

"Oh no, I would never allow that. That would be rude!"
Kasumi shook
her head delicately.
##??? since when? Haven't seen any signs of this in
anime/manga.

"He's done it before, he'll do it again. Rude ain't
got nothin' to do
with it," he stated firmly, "the old man's a walking
vacuum for food."
Akane twitched an eyebrow at this case-in-point of the
pot calling the
kettle black.
##OK, so far this is VERY dull and repetitive. And the
"pot calling the kettle black." is
a cliche WITHIN a cliche. At least find a Japanese
equivalent.  There is nothing intrinsically wrong with
the Ranma/Genma �feeding frenzy'. However this one is
not very interesting and slows the pace of the story.
Re write or delete.
"RANMA! Show respect for your elders!" roared the
elderly Saotome from
the top of the stairs. Leaping down, he threw a kick
to his son's
head. Ranma easily dodged and tossed his father out
the front door.
Akane watched as father and son fought their
predictable fight which
inevitably ended up with both being soaked to the skin
in the koi
pond.

##If it's "predictable" and "inevitable" (which it is)
don't do it. The reader has seen it all before.
This is just filler. 

Ranma climbed out of the pond, wringing her shirt out,
and grumbled
something about 'stupid old men' and 'getting the
panda spayed.' Akane
snorted.

"I'd like to see you try THAT, Ranma!"

Ranma looked up in suprise. "Eh? Sorry, didn't mean to
say that out
loud." She chuckled a bit at the thought. "It WOULD
take care of a
few problems though, wouldn't it? I mean it would keep
him from
running off..." she giggled. She HATED it when she
giggled. It made
her sound so... girlish.
##Hmmm. Cute. needs work. This has possibilities
though. I wasn't sure _who_ was giggling
on first reading, Akane or Ranma. Clarify this. And
tighten it up. From "Ranma looked up in suprise" to
"...girlish." is too long. Make it tighter, faster so
you don't loose the impact of the readers surprise at
this revelation from Ranma.

Akane fought hard to keep the grin off her face. "Yep,
you really
should consider it," she noted in a mock-serious tone,
"Fixed animals
are usually much more docile." She remembered
something else. "Whoops,
pandas are endangered, aren't they? There goes that
idea..." The panda
in the pond let out a loud breath. They both looked at
the sweating
bear. "On the OTHER hand," she continued, "there's no
reason why we
HAVE to have a vet do it... it would certainly save on
silly things
like anaesthetic..." she mused. The panda fled into
the house, leaving
the two teenagers laughing in his wake. The two girls
looked at each
other's grinning faces, and realized exactly what they
were doing and
who they were doing it with. 'We... actually get along
when we're not
worrying about the engagement,' Akane thought,
astonished. Similar
thoughts were passing through Ranma's head.
##Cute. Again, tighten up the dialogue. Timing is
everything in comedy.

'Hey, this is kinda nice. Beats gettin' pounded on.'
"C'mon Akane,
let's get some grub before Pop eats it all." They both
headed in.

Supper was excellent, of course. Genma had disappeared
into his room
for some reason, which meant that there was more all
around for
everyone else. Since he didn't need to fight for every
morsel, Ranma
slowed down a little to enjoy the culinary delights.
The others didn't
really notice any improvement, as he still looked like
a trash
compactor, shoveling it in faster than he could refill
his plate.
##Another pointless and dull eating scene. This is
VERY card-board. Almost like a cut and paste from the
book of fanfic cliches. 

No matter how many times she watched it, it still made
her slightly
ill to see her iinazuke shovel it down. 'How can he
eat like that?!'
she thought in exasperation. Ranma belched. Akane hung
her head in
embarrassment. 'He can't have tasted any of that,' she
thought.
'Honestly, why do we even bother preparing it? We
should just toss it
all together in a mash and feed it to him out of a
bucket like his
namesake.'
##Cute. Much better. Still a little wordy. But the
"feed it . . .out of a bucket . . ." is very nice.

Later in the evening, Ranma was soaking in the furo
thinking about
the day. 'Man, this has got to be the best day I've
had in a long
time! I didn't get pounded once!' he thought happily.
He closed his
eyes and enjoyed the warm water soaking into his skin.
Above his head,
a serpentine column of smoke curled and twisted in the
air, the steam
masking its presence. Taking advantage of the brief
period of
inattention, the snakelike creature dived into Ranma's
head without
him noticing.
##Not very exciting. Needs more build up of tension,
suspense.
And the internal dialogue isn't convincing. It doesn't
�sound' like Ranma. 

When Ranma returned to his room, he found a note from
his father,
spouting off stuff about 'going on a training trip,'
and 'getting soft
lying around the house.' He didn't actually write
this, wording it to
sound grand and noble, but Ranma knew what he was
doing. He had run
off yet again, probably because of the joke they
played on him before
supper. 'Serves him right,' Ranma thought as he got
ready for bed, 'I
wonder how long it will take him to realize that he
has NO money, NO
supplies, and is horribly out of shape. He won't last
two days out
there alone.'
## :( Again, not very interesting. Either re-write or
cut it a LOT.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Ranma woke up with a gasp. 'I was...
it was...
what?' He scratched his head. 'What was I dreaming
about?' From
behind, a pair of hands grabbed him by the muscle-tee,
tossed him out
the window, and, of course, into the koi pond. Ranma
burst to the
surface, fury etched on her face. "Why you old fool! I
oughtta..."

"'Ought to' what, Ranma?" Came an unexpected voice.
##Try something else, {sultry, warm, etc.} to set the
coming mood.

 Ranma turned to
see Akane standing in the doorway of the house. She
took two seconds
to determine that yes, Akane was indeed naked as the
day she was born,
before squeezing her eyes closed in a panic.
##Need more description to convey Ranma's mood.

"Aack! Akane What're you DOING?" Ranma yelled, "go get
something ON,
for God's sake!" She waited a few minutes for Akane to
go before
leaving the pond and heading over to the door, blindly
feeling her
way. 
##Cute, but not incoherent enough for Ranma, esp. in
this situation. 

She was halfway there before she was caught in a hard
embrace and
hauled in for an incredibly steamy kiss. Akane's
tongue invaded her
mouth and seemed incredibly long as it explored every
nook and cranny
of Ranma's mouth, evading all attempts to eject it as
it slid around
Ranma's tongue and tickled her tonsils.

 Ranma's eyes bugged out as
Akane reached down into Ranma's muscle-tee and pulled
out a breast,
massaging it and flicking the nipple until it was
rock-hard with lust.

##Much too clinical, graphic and dull. Go for
erotic/sensual. This is much too
"Slam, bam, arigatou Ranma-chan
The pleasure this was inducing was just too much for
Ranma. She had to
get away! She tried to pull back, but Akane's grip was
like iron.
Ranma knew one hundred and fifty three ways to break
the hold, but
they all involved hurting Akane, something she just
was not willing to
do. 'Can't go back, can't go sideways,' she thought
desperately, 'only
one way left. Forward!' Ranma pushed against Akane,
forcing her tongue
into Akane's mouth this time, running her tongue over
her teeth and
tickling her tongue. Akane moaned in appreciation and
continued her
ministrations with even more vigor. Ranma reached up
and grabbed one
of Akane's breasts, attempting to even the score.
Akane broke off the
kiss and giggled with her inexpert attempts.
##OK . . .cute idea. Need to be developed. There's a
lot of potential for slapstick here.
Again, too clinical.

"You don't know much about this, do you? Haven't you
ever done this as
a girl?" Ranma shook her head. "That's alright. Here,
I'll show you."
She guided Ranma's hand in the proper motions,
bringing the nipple
to a hard boil. "Mmm... ahh..." Akane moaned. "Good...
now you try it
on yourself." She guided Ranma's hand to Ranma's other
breast, and
lightly held on as Ranma tweaked and massaged it into
readiness. This
activity brought Ranma tumbling to the ground as her
knees gave way.
A light trickle ran down her inner thigh from the
pulsing heat in her
groin. Ranma lay on the grass gasping, feelings she
never even knew
EXISTED coursing through her. Akane stood over her,
smiling wickedly.
"Well, well," she breathed huskily, "someone seems to
be ready. But
poor me," she pouted, "high and dry with no relief in
sight! I've done
something for YOU Ranma, now I want you to help ME."
She kneeled down
next to Ranma and grabbed her by the ears, hauling her
back onto her.
"Eat me," she commanded.
##OH COME ON!!! "Eat me," ???
I know this sort of thing is hard to write. I'd rather
do fight scenes any day. But there's
nothing here but some VERY mechanical groping. I
realize there's a �perverted oni' operating in the
neighborhood. But this isn't scary, spooky, erotic or
funny. If I weren't C&Cing I'd skip this part and read
ahead to get to the good stuff.


"H... Huh?" came the brilliant reply. Akane rolled her
eyes.
"Get down there," she pointed, "And eat me out. Make
me come. And
then," her eyes glittered in anticipation, "we can
move on to the main
course."
##Make me come??? <groan> this is VERY bad. 

"Uh... okay..." Ranma mumbled, unsure of how to
proceed with this.

#Now THIS was cute. You just need to follow through
with the humor.

Looking down, she gulped as she saw the small triangle
of blue-black
down covering Akane's pussy. Nervously, she crawled
down to Akane's
thighs and looked at it. Ranma was familiar with a
girl's body and
exactly what it looked like down there, after all, she
had a similar
body thanks to her curse. 'The damn curse,' she
thought angrily. She
hated it, and as such didn't like spending any more
time than
absolutely necessary. It CERTAINLY meant she'd never
spent time
exploring it sexually.
##Errrrr. Right. A 16 year old boy is gifted with the
body of a . . .and he's NEVER???
Even if true . . .it is NOT believable in context of
your story. 

 All this meant she was travelling on new
ground, despite knowing the territory. 
##cute
<SNIP> some incredibly boring and pointless sex
scenes.

she grabbed her by the ears again('what was it with
those ears?' Ranma
wondered) 
##Cute. this is a keeper.

<SNIP> more boring sex.
She was having too much FUN here! 
##Cute

<SNIP>
Tongue met tongue and both relaxed on the grass in
exhaustion, Akane's
head on her shoulder. As they both fell asleep, a tiny
voice in
Ranma's head wondered where, exactly, everyone else
had been through
all this.
##Good line.

The next morning, Ranma woke up with a gasp. 'I was...
it was...
what?' He scratched his head. 'What was I dreaming
about? And why do
I get this wierd feeling of deja-vu?' 
## deja-vu is not a term Ranma would use, IMO.

He half-expected to be hurled
out the window into the pond, but then he remembered
his father's
little 'training trip.' He chuckled as he got dressed
for school.
'Looks like a good day today,' he thought contentedly
to himself.
##Pretty good line.

The End: Chapter 1

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: Muhahahah.... this is my first serious
attempt at a
lemon fanfic. I REALLY want C&C, particularly
regarding my lemon
scenes, which I admit need work. This is a first draft
of chapter
one, folks, and I intend to work on this lots more.
Also, I note with
dismay that my story isn't nearly as long as some of
them out there,
which leaves me to wonder if I'm not being descriptive
enough in
my scenes, or should I include more in each chapter?
Regarding my
lemon scenes, I don't want to get into the major dirty
talk. I prefer
not to use words like pussy and clit unless I think
they work in the
context of the action. Mostly, I rely on descriptions
to get the point
across. I hope I haven't offended anyone with this
fic.

##Interesting idea. Some cute spots. However you do
need more description in places.
The sex scenes, IMO, did not work. I wasn't offended.
I just wasn't interested. Convincing sex scenes are
difficult to write. One suggestion is to look at
several romance novels. Some of them are pretty
graphic, in a tasteful way. (Some are VERY
surprising.) Lots of ripped bodices, heaving breasts,
manly chests and some naughtier bits. ^_^
Good luck.




=====

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