allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

And, in order that this NOT be complete spam I present
the following fragment from a new fanfiction that will
be completed once I get Cats, Friends, Yellow Dragon
and Sukeban chapter 7 finished. ^_^

Hey! What about "I'm a Guy?"

	"We have him Great Fang. He is in Japan. Nerima-ko"

Missing a comma after him, and a period after Nerima-ko.

	"You are sure?" The softly growled question matched
perfectly the massive body near seven feet tall, heavy

body, nearly seven

with muscle.  One hand gently stroked the stripped
pelt that was his only covering. "There is no
mistake?"

Well, maybe there is. Did you mean 'striped' rather than 'stripped?'

	"N . . .none, Great Fang." Zan willed him self not to

himself (one word)

back away in fear or turn belly up in submission. He
was a blooded First Claw and Pride leader, with thirty
personal kills. Yet his skill was merely human. The
Great Fang was descended from the Tyger and his power
was second only to the Gods. Some said, in whispers,
that the Great Fang was a God. Others said he was THE

'Gods' probably shouldn't be capitalized (though 'God' in the next line
should, as it's used as a name there).

God, made flesh. Whatever the truth, and Zan knew what
he believed?failure was inconceivable. And fatal. As

Use ASCII dashes, please, and put spaces around 'em:

believed -- failure

was proper. Failure was weakness. Weakness did not
serve. And that which did not serve?well, the Pride

Same here: serve -- well,

	The Great Fangs eyes gleamed like molten steel in the
flickering torch light and his lips drew back to
reveal hard yellow fangs,  flecked with brown.
Startled, Zan realized he had interrupted the Great
Fang while he was feeding.  In any other of the Tygers

Tyger's or Tygers' (depending on whether you mean 'children of the
Tyger' or 'children of the Tygers.')

	"However," Zan continued. "he can _volunteer_ the

continued, (comma instead of the period)

information. He has friends and  family now. A son.
Daughters by marriage. His scent permeates their
dwelling. "

Remove extra space.

	The Great Fang turned and crossed the room in two
lazy strides. Stopping, he dropped before the alter

altar ('alter' = to change)

    Akane had been kidnaped. Of itself, that was not
too
unusual. For a modern Japanese girl, Tendou Akane had

Word wrap is severely messed up beginning here.

probably
been kidnaped more times than anyone since the
Warring-States
period.

Oh, c'mon, she doesn't get kidnapped THAT much. Maybe something like
four or five times over the course of thrity-eight volumes. Offhand, I'd
bet that Ranma got captured at least as many times as she did.

hand tangled in her hair, jerking her head back. A
flask had been pressed to her lips, forcing a bitter
syrup down her throat.

"Ugh! This isn't pure maple! I hate this cheap ten percent junk!"

She'd heard a short, faint cry
like a frightened kitten from where Yuka had been
standing. Then blackness had swallowed her like a
snake swallows a rabbit. 

IMO, this should be 'swallowing,' but you might want to change to a
synonym like 'devouring' to avoid the repetition.

Interesting beginning. Hope to see more (but not until you finish some
of that other stuff....)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

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