Yawn, not enough sleep...

C&C things are merely my opinions and suggestions. Feel free to ignore
anything I say.

Impact craters from thousands of asteroid impacts dotted its
surface, and at the rate the ship was heading towards it, one more was
about to be added.

no need for the first comma, otherwise it reads quite strangely.

well known, like YuriKei 4,

Gee, with such a bad-omened name, I wouldn't have thought it would

have become a really popular resort. :)

A well thrown metal skillet connected with the back of Aeka's head.

Metal skillets are really, really, very heavy. I'd expect Ryoko to

stay conscious after being hit by one of these things but not Ayeka.
Speaking of which, why does Ryoko have one of these on the bridge of
Ryo-Ohki? Has she taken up cooking lessons from Sasami? :)

I am aiding you in our mutual quest for Tenchi! If Ry-oh was still

Ryu-oh? I'm not sure about this.

They say in space, no one can hear you scream, however, space-traveling
cabbits have mastered the technique of 'Miya'ing quite audibly in
protest
to fights that go on in the bowels of their starships forms, as Ryo-Ohki

was currently doing as round one of the 'Aeka and Ryoko Save Tenchi From

Mihoshi' expedition began its first day.

Suggest breaking this up:

They say in space, no one can hear you scream. However, space-traveling
cabbits have mastered the technique of 'Miya'ing quite audibly in
protest
to fights that go on in the bowels of their starships forms: as Ryo-Ohki

was currently doing for round one of the 'Aeka and Ryoko Save Tenchi
From
Mihoshi' expedition fight.

Now almost slamming into a small
planetoid at several hundred thousand miles per hour was only worth
fretting for about five minutes.

Now, almost?

He was either becoming more courageous or
more stupid.

or both...

Mihoshi looked over her shoulder to stare at Tenchi in confusion. "Ah,
Tenchi. They're Kallista Flockhartens.

Bwahahahaha, now that's just plain mean. :)

They all look like skeletons. Their
skin and internal organs are transparent. Although if you look real
close
under the light, you can just make out a blue outline that surrounds
their
bodies. That's all you can see of their skin. Also, there is just the
faintest red glow in front of their eyes. That's their optical nerves.
So
you see, these two are perfectly normal."

not to be overly realistic or anything, but wouldn't Tenchi notice

that they weren't quite resting on the beds? Then again, this is Tenchi
- not the world's most observant person.

"I'm sorry, Mihoshi. Our record of arrests is outstanding, we've
single-handedly brought down entire criminal organizations -like Keyser
Soze's outfit- ,

But he doesn't really exist... :)

probably don't need the comma there as it is, but the passage reads

as rather complicated. Suggest:

"I'm sorry, Mihoshi. Our record of arrests is outstanding, we've
single-handedly brought down entire criminal organizations, such as
Keyser
Soze's outfit, and we ..." Yokonojo gave the AI equivalent of a shrug.
"Not once...

"You'd be able to head towards Trakton-Gallows right away," Mihoshi said

brightly. "Sure, I'd be happy to loan you my back up."

Heh, you're really peppering in those obscure references. :)
I'm sure I've missed some along the way.

"Let me see. I have the carbon copies of the inventory lists somewhere
around here." Even in that day and age, they still forced people to fill

out handwritten forms in triplicate, even for the requisition of a paper

clip.

Ouch, no wonder the GP need people like Mihoshi - most of its

officers are buried beneath the reams of paperwork...

"Sure thing," Mihoshi said, brightening considerably that her mistake
had
not cost her anything.

suggest: brightening considerably since her mistake hadn't cost her

anything.

Tenchi had listened to the exchange, and, as much as he liked Mihoshi,
was
suddenly glad he was not her direct superior. The girl was a handful
with
just being a friend. "How much longer until we get to Aqua Regia?"

suggest: The girl was a handful simply as a friend.

Mihoshi continued laying on the new course. "Oh you guys. Risk is a part
of
life."

"Oh, you guys. Risk..."

And off to the side, Tenchi felt the urge to cry as the ship entered
hyperspace.

No need for the 'And off to the side'; it reads fine just starting

with 'Tenchi...'

The two
seemed to share a private joke about the latter key, assuring Funuyaki
that
they were the only ones in the quadrant that could possibly open it.

Of course, they haven't met the person who can walk through all of

Washu's anti-intrusion devices and straight into her lab...

The new spoors would then repeat the cycle until an entire
planet was drained of every living thing on it. And I mean everything.
Including plant life and microscopic creatures.

spores
suggest also: every living thing on it; and I mean everything -

including plant life...

"It really is a fascinating method of control. Given this almost
self-destructive capability, it would make it almost impossible for
Shihana
to be used against the Whiprack, just as the plant's designers had
planned.

How so? This lost me completely.

"Once the Whipreck were confident Shihana was effective, and that it
couldn't be used against them, they unleashed it upon their enemies.
Upon
completion of the original batch of plants, the Whipreck went to work.

Whiprack?
Actually, I noticed that it becomes Whipreck uniformly later on: in

which case, the first two instances of the word need to be changed.

"Well, yes and no," Malgaunt said. "Yes there is only this one, but over

"Yes, there is...

They've misfired and are sending Tartarus on a course that takes
it out of the Anomaly and into Hell's Gate itself."

suggest: They've misfired, sending Tartarus...

"Yes. Really, killing all of your men like
that is a pretty terrible thing. How can you live with yourself?"

"Yes, really. Killing all of...

into the Anomaly because they represent a threat to me. You should be
able
to appreciate that, Lieutenant"

that, Lieutenant."

Funuyaki's flinched slightly at the statement, but before she could
speak,

Funuyaki

Malgaunt here. No one will have the faintest idea that you weren't on
the
station when it goes boom."

No boom today. But tomorrow... tomorrow there's always a boom. :)
Whups, wrong show (besides, probably misquoted it anyway).

The plan sounded foolproof.

Of course, 'sounding' isn't necessarily the same as 'is'.

Among this den of vipers she had to tread
carefully, or one of the scum was sure to take her down if the
opportunity
presented itself.

Amongst? Not sure...

"She moves slowly, but with
skill, always tensed and ready to lash out. She's vain, but is
attractive
so that's justified slightly. Ordinarily, looks can get you as far as
skill

She's vain but attractive, so that's justified slightly.

"Indeed," Malgaunt agreed in more quiet, yet just as intense, tones that

somehow matched Stargrave's emotional outburst. "Nothing can stop us
now.
Nothing."

Heh. You'd think that as a vaunted GP Officer, he'd know better. :)

Closing Comments:

Fun read. Nice setup for the closing. I'd like to see how it all pans
out. Hope this helps.

Phil.

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