I'm uncertain of what you were trying to do with the second-person
narrative.  Why did you think the story would work better that way than in
the more common first- or third-person narrative?  If it was to force the
reader to experience by proxy the same state of mind Makoto is in, I think
we might need more details to really get into his head.  As it was, I

found

the narration rather distracting--unless it serves a really important
function, you might want to consider redoing the story in first- or
third-person.

The only real reason for the second-person narrative was that I wanted some
practice writing with it. I'll try switching it to a third-person
perspective and
resend it to the ML.

I dunno.  The second-person narration worked for me.  Somehow it seemed
to make it a lot more vivid.  I think it makes the story a lot more
personal; reading it, I feel that I _am_ Makoto, wondering how it all
slipped away ...

Perhaps it's the unfamiliarity of the style.  But I thought that in this
it was very effective.

Cheers,
Angus

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Angus MacSpon                                                Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/