Well, here's the first draft, folks. I hope you'll
enjoy it, and I'll take all the C&C I can get.

	Thanks, and have fun reading.
	
	Ed.

	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

6:03 PM, Friday, 20 August, 1999

Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by 
Takahashi Rumiko.  Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc.  
Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc.  This work is not 
intended to infringe those rights.

***************************************************************

     Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2

     Chapter 3

***************************************************************

     Gosunkugi Oichi wasn't a bad woman. She loved her husband,
she loved her son, and she did everything that was expected of a 
loyal Japanese wife and mother.

     It wasn't HER fault that she looked almost as spooky as her 
husband. Or that their son looked even spookier than the both of them
put together.

     Kind, gentle, loving, caring. If she hadn't had those black 
circles under her eyes, her behavior could have had people mistaking
her for an older Tendo Kasumi.

     So it was no surprise that she was clutching a postcard that had
just arrived in the mail, smiling proudly as she read it. "Takuji!
Takuji! Our son is returning home!"

     Gosunkugi Takuji blinked mildly. "From where?"

     Oichi batted at him gently. "From the spa, husband. Remember?"

     "Oh, yes. I thought it had been rather quiet," said Takuji.
"No hammering of nails into dolls and such." He smiled. "I wonder
what he'll look like after all that time at the spa. Do you think
it's made much of a change in him?"

     * * *

     Lilac smiled as the jet arrived in Tokyo International airport.
She might be an Amazon, but she wasn't a masochist. Unlike most of
the other elders of the village, she valued her comfort more than 
the nature around her. While they often decried the outsiders who 
chose to beat nature into submission (rather than living in harmony
with it), as a healer, she had a much less romantic view of 'Mother Nature'.

     Mother Nature, she thought to herself, was all too often a 
cold-blooded bitch. And a pain in the rear, too. Didn't one of those
writers my Doug loved so much say someone about "nature, red in tooth
and claw", or something like that?

     She laughed to herself as the young Japanese stewardesses
helped the passengers off the plane. It was strange to see the 
respectful way they treated her as just another elderly (albeit
a gaijin) passenger. She still remembered the bloody days of the 
1930's.. the Rape of Nanking hideously clear in her mind.

     Not that the People's Republic of China was much better. The 
Nationalists had stolen everything that wasn't nailed to the ground
or protected by armed guards. But the Communists had tried to steal
the _souls_ of the people. To an Amazon, no crime could be worse.
Things could be replaced. A member of the tribe, lost to the lies of
Communism, could not.

     A grin crossed her wrinkled face as she remembered an old joke,
told to her by the American who'd taught her English so long ago. It
didn't work in Chinese, but in English, she felt it was a perfect
slap at the so-called "People's Government".

     "The People's Republic of China.. the PRC. Nothing but a bunch
of PRiCks," she chuckled. "Hehehehe."

     She'd learned her first English from a downed American flyer, a 
member of the famed mercenary group, the Flying Tigers. One look into
his eyes, and she could see the hunger for the skies that burned
deep within his soul. Trying to tie him to a tiny village in China,
trying to tie him to the _ground_.. that would be a crime as 
senselessly cruel as clipping the wings of an eagle. 

     Her defeat at his hands had been as much an accident as stepping
on a banana peel, and was acknowledged as such by the village elders.
So she had been offered a choice that Shampoo never had. She was told
that she need not give him the Kiss of Marriage. So she refused.

     That was what had put her in conflict with Cologne, originally.
All Cologne could see was a chance to USE an American. To her, he was
just another asset to be used to protect the village. An asset that
Lilac had willfully chosen to throw away, in Cologne's opinion.
And then, later, when she'd met Doug, and deliberately threw the 
fight in order to catch him, that further fanned the flames of her 
dispute with Cologne. The other woman saw only that Lilac had played
fast and loose with their hallowed traditions, and had been allowed
to get away with it because it profited the village.

     Well, that was Cologne's problem. The Elders had made their 
decision, and no one could change the past. The moving hand having
writ, and all that. Which, Lilac thought, was part of Cologne's
problem. The stuffy old battleaxe just couldn't accept losing.

     She grinned to herself, winking at the Customs agent who was 
going through her luggage. The man shuddered slightly, and sped up 
his search, fearful that the withered old prune giving him the eye 
might actually try to make a pass at him.

     * * *

     Dowel looked around. <"Dammit, Sash, where'd you get to?">,
she growled in Mandarin.

     <"Over there">, said Mace, pointing. <"We're in Japan now. Where
ELSE would she head to?">

     Dowel suddenly KNEW that the Gods were playing with her head for
their own personal entertainment. Sash was perhaps the most rational
and level-headed of the Amazons who had been assigned to this husband
retrieval party, and on the trip to Japan, Dowel had chosen to make
Sash her second in command. But she'd forgotten the one great 
weakness Sash suffered from.

     <"Sugar! Spice! Go get Sash!">

     The two girls groaned, and trotted over to where Sash had 
virtually suction-cupped herself to a store window like some giant
car toy. They grabbed an arm and a leg apiece and pried her off the
plate glass, dragging the screaming and whimpering girl back to 
Dowel.

     <"We've got a mission to complete, Sash! Your addiction can 
WAIT!"> Dowel reprimanded her.

     <"But they've got copies of the latest 'Pokemon' music video,
Dowel! I gotta have it! I JUST GOTTA! Go on without me! PLEASE!">

     I'm going to kill him, mused Dowel as she motioned Sugar and 
Spice to drag Sash along with them. I don't care WHAT the Elders
said, I don't care WHAT punishments they give me. The outlander
_deserves_ to die for putting me through this hell. I'm going to kill
him. Yup. Slowly. Take maybe a year or two. Three, if I'm careful.

     Some days it just doesn't pay to be a husband-hunting
Amazon. Just ask Dowel. She can tell you all about it. In great 
detail.

     * * *

     Kanazuchi Maiku was feeling just a little embarrassed. Asuka's
servant had showed up with the picture of the man she was looking 
for. Although 'picture' didn't quite convey the true essence of 
what the small woman had lugged (with a great deal of difficulty)
up to his office. Maiku hadn't seen an oil painting THAT large 
anywhere outside of a Western art museum.

     Done life-size (or even slightly larger, he suspected),
the oil painting was over eight feet tall and four wide. NOT 
something he could carry around in a wallet to show people when 
asking them if they'd seen the guy.

     Now he was carrying this grotesque monstrosity of a portrait to
the local outlet of a nation-wide chain of copying shops. This one
had a large format digital camera connected to the personal computers
in the shop. With luck, they could take a picture of just the head
and face alone, and print up several dozen snapshot sized copies.

     As it was, the stares he was receiving were making him sincerely
reconsider having taken the case. Whoever Asuka had gotten to make
the painting, they'd done it in a high, florid style that hadn't
been seen since the Italian Renaissance. It looked worse than the 
pictures Maiku had seen on the covers of those bad romances his 
former secretary had been hooked on. He shook his head. If the guy he
was hunting REALLY looked like the portrait, it would be no challenge
at all. The poor fool would stick out in Japan like a whale in a 
desert.

     He looked the picture of the gaijin in the face. "Sorry, buddy.
Nothing personal. But I need the cash, and you're what the customer
is paying for." He shrugged. "Better you than me. Besides, if you ARE
in Nerima, you'd be better off with Saginomiya-san than living 
anywhere in THAT nutty city."

     He trudged into the copy shop, man-handling the oil painting
through the door, and heaving a grateful sigh when he was able to set
it down for the copy shop crew to work on. Then he lit up a cigarette
and went out for some coffee and doughnuts while they worked.

     After all, it's what Mike Hammer would have done.

     * * *

     A thin, short, and rather unpleasant looking young man was 
arguing with his current sensei in the middle of the Los Angeles
International Airport.

     "Why ME, Master? You have over forty students who study the 
Disorganized Improvisational School of Martial Arts. Why are you 
dragging ME along?"

     Seamus McGyver slapped his student across the back of his head.
"Quiet, boy, I'm trying to listen to the end of 'Ruin Explorer'."
The elderly man turned his attention to the pocket television
he was watching.

     "But Maaaaster...."

     Attention never wavering from the anime's closing credits,
a hand lashed out, tossing the younger man across the waiting room,
bouncing him off a wall before he came to a halt.

     When the last of the background music came to a halt, McGyver
looked over to his now dizzy student. "YOU'RE the one who came to me,
boy, asking to learn a more honorable style than that of the Yankee
Carpetbagger School of Martial Arts," snorted the old sensei. "And
a more disreputable school there never was. You could have ended up 
as bad as that young reprobate, Genma Saotome."

     Norton South straightened up and stood proudly. "I'm WORSE than
Genma!"

     Seamus looked at him biliously. "And you take pride in that."

     "Well, I haven't sold my son yet," admitted the rebellious
student. "But that's only because I don't have one. No woman seems
to trust me enough to marry me."

     "Now THERE'S a big surprise," sighed Seamus.

     Norton looked confused. "Sensei?"

     "Never mind, boy. Just get on the plane. And try to keep from
swindling the jet out from underneath the pilots this time."

     * * *

     Cute, busty Amazons bounding through the doors of the Nekohanten
were no surprise to the regular customers. It happened so often, it 
was more of a surprise to finish a meal _without_ having one come
sailing through a door, a window, or even (in rare occasions, and 
usually as the result of a fight that didn't quite come off) 
through a wall. So when an identical pair of the same came happily
running into the cafe, no one even looked twice. There WERE a few 
comments on Amazons in stereo, but they mostly came from customers
who were new to Nerima.

     <"HIIIIIIIIII! Big Sister! We're HEERREE!">

     WHOP. THUD.

     <"OWIE!"> 

     Cologne resumed her perch on her staff. <"No shouting in the 
cafe, it upsets the customers. Now, what are you two doing back here?
And speak in Japanese. I don't need customers getting paranoid.">

     Rin rubbed the large lump on her on her head. <"Elder 
Cologne..">

     The staff was suddenly in the air again, aimed at Rin Rin's 
head, when Ran shoved an elbow into her twin's ribs. "Elder, we bring
message from Council to you. To better speak alone?"

     Cologne frowned slightly, then pogoed off into the kitchen,
the twin sisters obediently following close behind. She led them into
the storage room, and turned. "What is it?"

     Ran Ran took a deep breath and began, the worst news first. And 
she prayed that Elder Cologne, while a staunch upholder of  tradition,
did NOT believe in the ancient tradition of killing the messenger who
brought the bad news.

     A few moments later, the customers finishing their lunch heard
a rising voice from the direction of the kitchen snarl "LILAC?!"
That's when, aside from one stubborn hold-out, everyone stood up, 
paid their bills and briskly filed out the door.

     They'd learned the drill by now. Cologne had trained her 
customers well.

     * * *

     Gos sighed as the train slowed to a halt inside the station.
Trying to keep Ryouga from wandering away and becoming lost again
was slowly driving him to distraction. He'd known the lost boy's 
abilities to become lost were great, but he had no IDEA that they 
were THIS powerful. Ryouga had gotten lost on the train itself three
times in four hours.

     Thankfully, it was almost over. All that was left was to lead
Ryouga to the Tendo dojo, then he could find some hot water and 
return home to his own loving family. He paused, rubbing the back of
his head in an uncertain gesture. What would his parents think of his
new curse?

     He pondered that for a long moment, while absent-mindedly
towing Ryouga back to their seats. (The Lost Boy had gotten lost <yet
again> on the way back from the restroom.)

     I won't tell them, he thought. It's not like I have Ranma's
problem.. how hard can it be to avoid cold water when you _AREN'T_
a martial artist? They don't need to know, and they won't find out.
No problem.

     * * * 

     Needless to say, THIS is a textbook example of the sort of 
irrational, almost insane, overconfidence that's endemic among most
Neriman martial artists, American super-heroes, and Harlequin
Romance Novel studs.

     Thank the gods it's not infectious. Let's hope it stays that 
way.

     * * * 

     "Here we are, Ryouga. The Tendo dojo, as promised." Gos wiped
his forehead with the back of one hand. "Do you want me to lead you
to the front door?"

     Ryouga shook his head. "I think I can make it from here. And..
and thanks for the hot water, Wan. I really appreciated it."

     Hikaru shrugged. "I was glad to help, really."

     "Still, thank you." Ryouga struggled with the words. "I... I 
really needed the help."

     "You're welcome, Ryouga. I have to go now, I need to tell some
people that I'm back in town. Maybe we'll see one another again?
Nerima's a pretty small place; we might run into each other soon."

     "If I can _stay_ in Nerima," sighed Ryouga. "But yeah, I think
I'd like that."

     Gos waved, and walked down the street. He sighed as he turned
a corner and saw Ryouga carefully headed AWAY from the Tendos' front
door. Oh well, he thought, I did what I could. And it _was_ a little
heroic. At least a little bit. Well, generous, anyway. Sort of.

     Then he went looking for a source of hot water. It was time to 
go home.

     * * * 

     "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

     "Norton, what have I told you about molesting stewardesses?"

     The young man blinked. "Uhh.. to not get caught? No, wait..
that was my LAST sensei. What was it.. you told me just a few days
ago.. I'll remember.. just give me a minute.."

     Seamus suddenly appeared to be several times his normal size,
standing over Norton like the Colossus of Rhodes. "I SAID DON'T DO 
IT!"

     Norton squeaked in terror, and tried hiding under his seat. As 
it was a standard airline seat, with only enough space underneath
for a carry-on bag, this wasn't one of his better ideas. Other 
passengers in rows near them cringed away to the furthest extent
their seatbelts allowed.

     "Boy, if you can't control your libido, I'll have to do it for
you." Seamus reached over and quickly tapped several spots on the 
boy's back in quick succession. "There. That should take care of 
things."

     "What did you do?!"

     "Shiatsu impotence spot." He laughed at the horror in Norton's
eyes. "Don't worry, it'll wear off in a few hours. AFTER we land in 
Japan."

     The boy sighed in frustration as he scrambled back into his 
seat. "Well, there's always three card monte..."

     Seamus gave his student a harsh look. "For your information,
we're aboard a JAL flight. That means _Japanese_ laws apply to 
anything we do while in flight. And we're gaijin, boy. That means
they'll throw the book at us for the additional crime of being 
not-Japanese. You even LOOK like you're thinking about running a con,
and I'll hit a spot that produces clear-mindedness, and another
that is a tranquilizing spot. When I'm done, you'll have the worst
case of niceness this side of Mr. Rogers. Do I make myself clear?"

     "Yeah, yeah, yeah," grumbled Norton, carefully pulling his hand
back out of his pocket _without_ the deck of cards hidden there.
"Gotta make nice-nice for the Japs."

     This earned him another clout upside the head.

     * * * 

     Hikaru frowned, feeling a frustration that he thought he'd never
have to put up with again. He was a hero, right? Heroes didn't HAVE
problems like this! There had to be some hot water around here 
_somewhere_.

     He'd tried three restaurants already. Two threw him out for 
asking for a mere cup of hot water, and the third wanted to be paid
for it. Since he didn't have any yen left from his trip and wouldn't
have any more until he could go home, that meant he wouldn't be 
getting any help at the yakitori place.

     Then, while cudgeling his brains, trying to think of another
source, it hit him. The Nekohanten, he thought. Ranma's always going
there and to the Ucchan's for hot water when he needs it, why can't
I?

     A tiny voice in the back of his head was screaming about Amazons
and stupid ideas and something about fools and angels, but Gos wasn't
listening to it. After all, REAL heroes never listen to things like
that. Almost all the books agreed on that.

     * * * 

     Maiku walked back to Kiki's Copy Service (the name was 
disgustingly cute, but they DID do a good job. And they did all their
own deliveries.) and picked up the wallet-sized copies of the full
face shot they'd made for him from the oil painting. He phoned a 
messenger service to come pick up the painting and return it to 
Asuka-san. Just for the hell of it, he insisted on the express 
service, with three hour rush delivery.

     What the hell, she was paying for it.

     Stopping by the coffee shop for a box of doughnuts to go and a 
pitcher of coffee, he prepared to brave the wilds of untamed Nerima,
with its crazed martial artists, chi-draining vampire teachers,
insane hair-obsessed high school principals and man-hunting
Amazons.

     I shoulda taken that job in Chicago with Rally Vincent and 
Minnie May, he thought. The Chicago mob wasn't half this dangerous.
After all, the Mafia just tortured and killed you.

     * * * 

     Lilac smiled as she approached the Cat Cafe. She wasn't a 
warrior, but that didn't mean that she was unable to move quietly
when she wanted to.

     She ghosted through the front door without Shampoo noticing
her. In the kitchen, however, Cologne jerked her head around as she
sensed a presence that she hadn't felt since she'd left the village
to help Shampoo.

     <"Hey, Cologne! You still the same prude you were when we were
kids?"> cackled Lilac.

     Cologne bounced out of the kitchen on her staff, a sour 
expression on her withered face. <"Lilac. What brings an old bimbo
like you to the Cat Cafe?">

     <"You know as well as I do, Cologne. I saw Rin and Ran through
the window as I came down the street, and that means that you got the
message from the Council. Rin might still be a bit of an airhead,
but Ran's capable enough, if flighty."> Lilac's grin grew wider.
<"So don't try to play ignorant with me, Cologne, you don't do it 
very well.">

     The older Amazon sighed and conceded the verbal battle. She 
bounced over to a table, giving Lilac a dirty look. <"All right then.
You honestly think that this Jyusenkyo-cursed moron who's gotten
all the unmarried girls hot for him would head HERE? The one city in
all Japan that has a built-in supply of Amazons to track him down and
drag him back to the village?">

     <"I said he looked like a stud, Cologne. I didn't say anything
about brains. For that matter, from the looks of the boy, most of 
what he's currently thinking with is swinging between his legs.">

     <"Then why on earth are you helping them try to catch him?">
Cologne frowned.

     <"Hey, _you're_ the one who's so gung ho on tradition, 
Cologne,"> smiled Lilac. <"Gung ho.. heh. I love the way the 
Americans manage to steal from every language on the globe. Even 
ours. But I digress. Tradition says that if an outsider male defeats
an Amazon.. oh, why am I telling you this? You know the words, sing
along! And that boy's kiss was positively LETHAL. He had half the 
unmarried females fighting each other over who would be first to 
challenge him. The other half were swooning at the thought of being
kissed by him.">

     That caused Cologne's frown to deepen. <"Lilac, all rivalry
aside for a moment?">

     <"A truce? 'Five Minutes'. Will that do?">

     <"It will,"> nodded Cologne.

     <"'Five Minutes', then. Starting now.">

     <"_All_ the unmarried females, you said?">

     Lilac nodded. <"If any weren't affected, _I_ certainly didn't
see them. That doesn't mean that there weren't any, though. I _do_
know Mace was strongly attracted to him, and you know how _she_ is.">

     Cologne's eyebrows went up in surprise. <"Mace? Interested
in a man? That says it all, Lilac. This behavior isn't natural.">

     <"What was your first clue?"> snorted the Healer.

     <"You don't need to be snotty about it, Lilac. What I'm getting
at is that if it's not natural, it's probably magic. That much goes
without saying, I know. But have you considered the fact that it's
magic that we don't know anything about, and don't control?">

     That brought Lilac up short. <"Oh, shit. I let that slip right
by me. I _must_ be getting old and senile.">

     It was Cologne's turn to laugh. <"You said it, I didn't. Anyway,
if there's magic involved that we aren't familiar with, then you'd
best step carefully, for the sake of the village. And by that same
token, I won't interfere in anything that's strictly for the purposes
of catching him. Where magic is concerned, I don't want to take a 
chance that might backfire and affect our people."> Her eyes 
narrowed. <"That doesn't mean our rivalry is over, though.">

     <"I wouldn't want it to be, Cologne. It's given me too much 
entertainment over these past few decades. And I know a stubborn
old stick like you would sooner die than admit it, but you've been
having fun too.">

     Cologne looked at her with a level gaze. <"I'm _not_ saying
I would miss you. I'm not saying I _wouldn't_ miss you. But when you
reach our age, boredom can get to be a pain in the ass.">

     <"Too true, Cologne. Too true.">

     They both laughed.

     * * * 

     Kanazuchi stomped on his brakes, narrowly avoiding hitting a 
small black pig that was wandering in the center of the street in 
a confused manner. He looked closely at the small porker, noting
the spotted bandana that it was wearing. Then he looked around at the
neighborhood.

     "Okay, it's definite. I'm in Nerima," he sighed. "And just two
bus stops past the edge of the Twilight Zone from the looks of it." 

     Feeling VERY regretful that he couldn't carry a pistol, he 
slowly drove around the lost pet in the middle of the road, heading
for his first stop. Furinkan High School.

     It's a shame Ryouga didn't know that. He could have gotten a 
ride there.

     * * * 

     Gos was feeling something that he wasn't quite familiar with.
Rage. The fear that was always lurking around the edges of his mind
was nowhere to be seen, having been chased away by frustration
and the more subtle effects of his curse.

     He'd tried Ucchan's okonomiyaki place first, since it was 
closest. It was closed with a sign outside explaining that the grill
was being repaired (a large Ranma's-forehead-sized dent was being
hammered out of it) and that they'd be open again tomorrow.

     Doctor Tofu's office was full of waiting patients who were happy
to explain that the good doctor was out on a brief housecall and 
would be back in forty-five minutes.

     Gos wanted to scream. This was impossible! How could something
as _simple_ as hot water be so hard to _find_?

     He left Tofu's office and started jogging steadily in the 
direction of the Nekohanten. He never noticed the trail of 
star-struck girls (and the occasional rather suspiciously effeminate
looking boy) that he was gradually picking up as he ran.

     * * * 

     Meanwhile, in a mountain retreat somwhere in Tibet, a young man
felt a cold shudder run down his spine, and went to speak with his 
Master.

     After explaining the uneasy feeling he had when he'd faced the
rising sun, his ancient Master closed his eyes, extending HIS senses.

     The Master sat there for long minutes, looking deeply with his
mystic abilities. Then he stood, placed a calming hand on the younger
man's shoulders and said...

     "Oh, lord, it's those idiots in Nerima again."

     Then he told his student to pack. They were going to take a 
vacation. The Falkland Islands were nice this time of year.

     * * *

     Gos let out a small cheer when the Nekohanten came into view.
FINALLY, some hot water! He could go home and rest. Without a second
thought, he dashed up to the door and rushed inside.

     * * *

     The two Amazon Elders had settled down and were enjoying a quiet
cup of tea during a lull in the trade. 

     <"Come now, Lilac, do you REALLY expect the boy to show up here
in Nerima? I admit that it DOES appear to be a point where chance
and chaos rule, but it's rather much to expect that he'll come here
merely because he's Japanese."> Cologne's withered face wrinkled
up in a grin. She was one up on her old rival, and didn't intend
to concede the point.

     <"And you don't? What with all the insanity that surrounds
your son-in-law? Ha! Don't make me laugh. Anyway, now that Rin and 
Ran have delivered the message, I'll collect them and be on my way.
I've called an old friend in America, and with his help, we're going
to set up a second business here in Nerima while we hunt for the boy,
funneling the money back to the village. Never hurts to have a extra
backup or two in place, no?">

     Cologne nodded. <"RIN, RAN? GET DOWN HERE! AND QUIT OGLING THE
BOYS ON THE STREET! LILAC'S HERE TO COME GET YOU,"> she loudly 
announced, in a voice that could have penetrated steel.

     Rin and Ran appeared, rushing down the stairs like an Amazon
flood. <"We're here, Elde..URK?!">

     Lilac and Cologne both blinked. Urk? Then they both looked 
towards the door.

     <"IT'S YOU!"> came out in two part harmony from the twins.

     "It's YOU!" snapped Lilac in Japanese.

     "IT'S YOU!" screamed Gos in the same language. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Then he made a mad dash for the kitchen, leaping over tables and 
dodging the tackle attempts the twin Amazons made. A twist of his 
hips that would have made an American football player proud caused
Lilac's staff to miss him by a hair's width, smashing plates on a 
table freshly reset for a new customer. His frantic eyes spotted
a small insulated carafe on a kitchen counter, steam still wafting
from its spout.  Sprinting through the kitchen like Jesse Owens,
he snagged the stoppered serving bottle by its handle and burst 
through the back door of the Nekohanten in approved Nerima style.
Without opening it first, that is.

     Cologne just shook her head and watched as the twins bounded
over the tumbled tables and the wreckage of the door, setting out in
pursuit of the escaping 'husband'. <"Looks like I owe you an apology,
Lilac. You were right.">

     <"Ehh.. doesn't matter,"> shrugged the Elder Healer. <"And I'll
pay for the door. I should have seen THAT one coming..">     

     Cologne returned the shrug. <"It's Nerima. It happens.">

     * * *

     Gosunkugi was running like a man possessed. Or perhaps like a 
man about to BE possessed. By a pair of husband-hunting
Amazons, in this case. His leaps and bounds over the obstacles
in his path would have made an Olympic athlete give up their career
in self-disgust. He hurdled a mailbox with over a foot to spare.

     Gottagettawaygottagettawaygottagettaway, echoed through his 
mind. That was the only thought he had. Escape. Even the stoppered 
pitcher of hot water clenched tightly in his hand was forgotten in
his desperation.

     He was dashing across a street when a large, black, and rather
old-fashioned looking car crossed his path, headed straight for him.
Without pausing, he bounded over it, clearing the roof and landing
on the other side, legs pumping furiously.

     * * *

     Kanazuchi Maiku screeched to a halt and stared at the young man
running for his life, then thumped his head on the steering wheel.

     Only in Nerima, he thought. Only in Nerima would the mark I'm 
looking for actually run up to and right OVER me.

     He stopped banging his head as he noticed what appeared to be a 
pair of twin girls chasing his target, a pair dressed in much the 
same fashion as one of the women that was mentioned in his files on 
Nerima. Xian Pu, or Shan Pu, or Shampoo, or something like that.

     Oh, isn't that LOVELY, he thought. With my luck, it's more 
Amazons, and they'll want to drag his ass back to China.

     He blinked as he noticed the procession following the fleeing
man and the pursuing Amazons. What looked like nearly two dozen young
women (and three rather beautiful looking men) were chasing after
the first three and slowly falling behind with frustrated cries of 
"Come back!" and "I love you!" and "I want to be your loveslave
sextoy!"

     Maiku raised an eyebrow at that last, as it had come from one of
the bishonen young men. He shook his head and pulled over into the 
nearest parking space, intent on backtracking the trail of tumbled
property, splinters of cement and wood, and the occasional bruised
pedestrian to wherever the chase had started. Perhaps he'd find some
answers there.

     It was a sure bet that he wasn't going to have any success
chasing the mark if he could leap over the Plymouth like that. He 
might be a little obsessed when it came to film noire detectives,
but Maiku wasn't stupid. He was in his forties, heavy-set, and was 
never a sprinter, even in his youth. He couldn't outrun a kid like
that on the best day of his life. No, if he wanted to catch this one,
he had to outTHINK his mark.

     And that meant finding out just what the HELL was going on in 
Nerima.

     * * *

     The business district of Nerima was quite busy and shoppers
packed the streets. Hikaru did his best to push his way through
the crowd, heading for a large, multi-floored department store, 
hoping he could lose the pursuing Amazons inside.

     Dashing up a staircase and doging bodies left and right, he 
spotted a sign that gave him an idea.

     * * *

     "<He went in there, Ran!>"

     The sisters rushed up to a door, only to be blocked by an 
immense Japanese woman. "You can't go in there, that's the men's 
toilet!"

     "<What did she say?>"

     "<That it's a men-only room, Rin.>" Ran heard the sound of 
shattering glass from behind the door, and pushed the woman aside.
Shoving the door open, she ran inside, only to see a broken window
and no Amazon husband-to-be. She grabbed a man who'd been washing
his hands. "Where handsome man go? You tell Ran NOW!"

     The businessman pointed to a stall, Ran opened it only to see a 
weedy-looking young boy with wet hair looking at her in terror,
holding a pair of loose pants up to his waist with both hands.

     "<Damn! This isn't him! Stupid Japanese! He got away! Come on,
Rin!>"

     The twins leapt thru the window, looking in all directions
for the missing hunk, but he was nowhere to be seen. After a quarter
hour of searching and finding no trace, they despondently headed
back to the Cat Cafe to report their failure to Lilac and Cologne.

     * * * 

     Gosunkugi emerged from the toilet stall, dripping wet and in his
natural form once more. Grabbing some paper towels, he mopped the 
water from his hair and face. Smashing the window and then changing
with the hot water had been an inspired idea, although he wasn't
quite certain where it had come from. Usually his ideas and plans
weren't this effective.

     Now that he was back in his non-cursed form, he felt.. smaller,
somehow. Not in body, but in spirit. He shook his head and stepped
over to the sink to refill the carafe with hot water. He'd learned
that much, at least. Then he slowly made his way out of the 
department store and began to slowly trudge home.

     * * * 

     The silence aboard the jetliner was shattered by an annoying,
whiny-sounding voice.

     "Master, can't you release me from this shiatsu thing? Come on,
you were young once, you used to know what it's like to need a 
woman..."

     "I _said_, after we land, boy. And you'd better be on your best
behavior then, or I'll turn you over to the Amazons."

     "Amazons," sniffed Norton. "Like they're any threat to _me_."

     Seamus shook his head tiredly. You really have a death wish,
don't you, boy. He glared at his student. "It's time for your next
lesson, boy."

     Norton perked up. "What is it, Master? A pressure point? A new
combination strike? A chi attack?"

     "It's this, boy. _Boot to the Head!_"

     SWISH. THUMP.

     "OWWW! You booted me in.. the.. heeeead...."

     Norton slumped in his seat, unconscious. Seamus stood and bowed
as the rest of the passengers on the plane applauded him vigoriously.

     * * * 

     Hikaru trudged slowly down the streets of Nerima, heading for 
his home. He took great pains to avoid all puddles, and tried to stay
as far from the curb as possible, afraid of being splashed by a 
passing car.

     What am I doing wrong, he asked himself. I thought it would be 
so easy. I'd leap into the Spring of the Drowned Hero, and everything
would be solved. Why isn't it WORKING?

     He turned a corner and spotted his home. Heaving a heavy sigh,
he approached the door, tapping on it lightly.

     "Mom? Dad? Is anyone home?"

     The door swung wide, and Gos was swept into his mother's arms.
"Hi-chan! Oh, my precious little boy is home!"

     Hikaru squirmed in embarrassment. "Mooooom... _please!_ 
Everybody can SEE!"

     "Takuji!" she called. "Our baby is home! Come see how healthy
our son is!"

     Her husband came to the door and laid an approving hand on his
son's shoulder. "You look much better, son. Stronger, healthier.
Is this what the spa did for you?

     "I.. well.. it.. I.. you.. they.." Gos stammered uncertainly.

     * * * 

     Nerima is like any other city when you discount the large number
of insanely skilled martial artists who've made it their home for the
moment. It has power lines, water lines, gas lines, and sewage.
It has, in other words, Public Works. And it has people who are paid
to take care of them.

     These people, obviously, don't like martial artists very much.
After all, martial artists go running around punching holes in the 
very things these people spend so much of their lives taking care of.

     So, when it comes to certain locations in Nerima, they aren't
as prompt as they should be in regards to quick repairs. In fact,
if this weren't Japan, one could describe their behavior as downright
surly.

     Overworked, underpaid, and frustrated. Who would blame them,
who COULD blame them, for missing something small? Something,
say, like a faulty seal in a fire hydrant.

     It wasn't as if it were life threatening. If this particular
seal blew out, a fire hydrant would spray water over a small side 
street and perhaps the front yard of one home. It wouldn't do any 
serious damage. At worst, a few people might get wet.

     Don't you just love it when Fate takes a hand?

     * * * 

     Hikaru's gibbering came to a sudden halt as he felt his body 
expand and grow as the cold wet spray hit him. His parents stared
at him, their eyes round in shock.

     "Uh.. Mom? I.. I guess I forgot to tell you about my new curse."

     Oichi passed out, falling into her husband's arms.

***************************************************************

Author's Notes.

     Well, this one took a little longer than I thought it would.
Between faulty plumbing, a convention that I enjoyed but exhausted
me more than I thought it would, and my father's habit of writing
checks then skipping out on paying them, I found it difficult
to write, let alone think.

     Still, with the help of Zen, KaraOhki, Bob Schroeck, and the 
entire crew on the #fanfic channel of IRC, I was able to get this 
written and semi-proofread.

     Now it's here for you to enjoy, while I continue work on Mi Vida
Loco, Pagliacci 4, and a few other fics.

     Hope you all like it, and if you do, drop me a line at  
eabecerr@henge.com to let me know. Comments, critiques, and even 
flames are welcome. Flames will be studied, all useful content 
extracted, and then deleted. *grin*

     Edward Becerra 

     "Dreamers may die, but the Dream is eternal.."


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