Pippin Took wrote:

OK... Fine.  I'll post it in text... 

Well, then, it's the least I can do to critique it.

Ranma easily scaled the wall outside of Akane�s room. 
It bothered him that Ryoga was inside, sleeping next
to Akane.  �I�m not going to
lose out to that pig.�  He mumbled as he carefully

This should be one sentence.  The period inside quotes should be a
comma, and you should probably have another comma before as, like so:

...pig," he mumbled, as...

made his way through her open window. 

The moonlight from outside fell through the light

I'd suggest a word other than "light" to describe the curtains, since
you have "moonlight" right before it.  Perhaps "filmy," or even
"thin," instead?

curtains and covered her with a blue glow.  For a

Blue?  That's interesting.

lighted softly beside her desk and made no more noise
than a passing shadow. 

I'd rephrase:  "...desk, making no..."

He focused his fighter instincts to find his target. 

"fighting" or "fighter's"

Where was the piglet?  He was startled when Akane
shifted in her sleep.  He crouched
lower and willed himself into the shadows.  Akane
kicked off the blankets to reveal herself in a faded
nightgown.  She moaned softly. 

The phrase "to reveal herself in a faded nightgown" doesn't sound
right to me.  

Ranma caught a soft, scraping noise.  It got a little
louder so he could pinpoint it coming from the closet.

The second sentence doesn't work for me.  If you're determined to keep
it, though, "pinpoint it -as- coming from..."

Also, I suspect "scratching" would sound clearer than "scraping."

�Not now, P-chan�� Akane called out suddenly to the
scraping noise. 

"to the noise" -- no need to be redundant.  Suggest adding the words
"in response" or something similar, too.

There was a little squeal from the closet to answer
her. 

Bad structure, IMO.  Try active voice:  "A little squeal from the
closet answered her."  This should probably be part of the above
paragraph, rather than separate.

Ranma was confused.  Akane was awake, but pretending
to be asleep and Ryoga was locked in the closet� but

"asleep, and"

why?  He watched
Akane with interest for some answer. 

"with interest, [something] for some answer."  Where [something] is an
action of some sort, such as "waiting" or "hoping."

Akane reached down and slowly ran her hands up her
body, bringing her nightgown up with them.  She sat up
and pulled the nightgown
off, over her head.  She tossed the nightgown on the
floor, not too far from Ranma�s hiding place.  She lay
back down on her back and
ran her hands back down her body. 

Lots of sentences starting in "she" here.  Vary your structure a bit.

Also, I'd think there would be more wiggling involved in removing a
nightgown in that fashion.  It wouldn't really be possible for Akane
to continue to pretend to sleep while doing it, even ignoring the part
about sitting up.

�She�s naked.� Ranma thought as the curtain stirred

Comma, not period.

with a breeze.  The moonlight reflected off of Akane�s
skin and it made her glow. 

"skin, and" -- though I'd probably use "skin, making..."

I'll skip the lemon bit.  Will note, though, that you have another
block of text with similar sentences, all starting with a pronoun,
reading very much alike...

Ranma lost all feeling in his body as a shiver ran up
his spine.  He lost his grip on the wall.  He fell
into the fishpond with a loud splash. 

I'd combine those last two sentences into one.

bubbles were delicious on
her skin so she kicked off her pants and struggled out

"skin, so"

of her muscle shirt.  She laughed underwater and the

"underwater, and"

and slid out of them.  Finally she allowed herself air

"Finally, she"

Also, this section is falling into that "every sentence begins with a
pronoun" rut.

surrounding the water.  �I can feel them� They scratch
my bare skin.�  She could feel her

"They're scratching" would be a more natural thing to think, I
suspect.

hastily thrown on her nightgown
and Ranma could see in the pale light that the
nightgown was inside out.

"nightgown, and"

Also, I wouldn't repeat "nightgown."

�Get in here before someone sees you like that.� 

"here, before"

�I don�t know, Akane.�  Ranma said.  �I just had to
feel the moonlight on my skin.� 

That's probably too poetic for Ranma.

�What Ranma?� 

�Been naked in the moonlight?� 

That's skirting dangerously close to "asking for it."  Hard to believe
Ranma would ask such a thing, really -- though if he did, it's true he
wouldn't think of the possible consequences until it was too late.

�I don�t know�� Ranma shrugged.  �Have you ever�� 

�What?� 

�How does a girl� I mean� I�m part girl now and I�m
not sure how� I mean� It�s not like being a guy� Where
does a girl touch to
feel�?  I guess I don�t know what I�m asking.�  Ranma
said as she stood and looked out the window. 

And that's definitely over the line...

�Ranma, you were at my window a few minutes ago,
weren�t you?� 

...So that's the last response I'd expect from Akane.  This is where,
normally, she'd yell "Hentai" and throw him through the wall, or
something.

Over and over Ranma�s brain repeated, �You called out
my name� my name.�  She looked at Akane for a long
time.  �Will you teach
me how to pleasure myself as a woman?� 

Way OOC for Ranma.

I'm going to cut the conversation for space... I'll just say it
doesn't at all ring true for me, and leave it at that.

Ranma pouted.  �Nothing.�  She said.  She dropped the
robe and it landed at her feet.  She looked up at

"robe, and"

Hm.  I'll skip the anatomy lesson, too, I think.  Really didn't care
for that part at all.

One more comment:

Akane pulled away.  �Ranma stop� You are a girl.� 

That doesn't sound shocked.  It's overly formal, especially for the
situation at hand.

nakedness.  �Have you come
to look at me?� 

Too formal.

desk with her nightgown at his feet.  �Throw me my
nightgown so I may get up and
kill you.� 

WAY too formal.

�What�s wrong with you?�  Akane demanded. 

That's better.

�What�s wrong?�  She asked with a touch of tenderness
in her voice. 

That, by the way, is consistent with the canon.  Perfectly in
character, even if the situation is a little questionable.

Something glimmered in Akane�s eyes.  �Why do you wish
that?� 

And all the dialogue after this line is, again, much too formal:

Ranma crouched on the sill.  �So that I may touch you
without fear of your wrath.�  He said quietly. 

�You fear me?� 

�Not you� your wrath.� 

�What would you do if I curbed my wrath?� Akane asked.

Ranma hopped down from the sill and onto her bed
beside her.  �I�d come to you willingly.� 

�You aren�t willing now?� 

�I�m afraid of getting hurt in a place I could never
heal.� 

�Where is that?� 

Ranma reached for her hand and placed it on his chest.
 His heart raced like a rabbit under her touch. 
�Here.�  He said. 

�Oh� Ranma.�  She said. 

�Even with your wrath� I can�t stop it.� 

�What?� 

�Wanting you.�  He said quietly as he gently touched

None of that sounds much like Ranma and Akane.  Kunou and Kodachi,
maybe. 

ready for that yet.�  He whispered.  �Just hold me� As
if I were moonlight on your skin.� 

I can't see Ranma saying this.  It just isn't his style.  Even on his
best day, he's not poetic enough.

This probably sounds like a pretty harsh review, and maybe it is --
it's easier to point out bad things than good, and I think it usually
helps more.  But I think you do have a solid idea here, even if the
execution is somewhat lacking.  With some revision, I think it would
make a pretty good story.

One other note:  I'm not convinced this needs explicitly lemon scenes,
but if you want to keep them... try to make them emotional, or erotic,
or touching, or a dozen other things... but not clinical.  That's how
they read now, and it can be painful to get through.


Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa