-----Original Message-----
From: Prince Frog <starfrog@pacbell.net>
To: FFML <FFML@fanfic.com>
Date: 05 October 1999 01:49
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic][Islands Underwater Pt. 4][Draft]

Great, another part! I'd nearly forgotten about this one.
What a nice surprise.

Sorry about the long wait people. I just came back from a 4 month tour
of Asia.

Hmmm.... a valid enough reason. I think I'll allow it. ;p
Hope you enjoyed your tour.

All C&C in this is IMHO. FFMler's, if I say anything you disagree with
or want to discuss, lemme know.

He emerged from the gymnasium with his usual

With his usual what?

Earlier during the day Kunou received his customary thrashing from Ranma

I'm not sure but I think there should be a comma after 'day'.

She approached him �Kunou, we need to talk.�

Full stop/period after 'him'.

�Excuse me, is something the matter Tendo Nabiki?�

Comma after 'matter'.
To use somethin' quite similar to what I think Gary Kleppe
once said about this:
When a speaker addresses someone by name, set the
name off with a comma. Otherwise you can completely
change the meaning.

�It�s after school dummy!�

school, dummy!"

�I�m not sure I understand�

I understand."

�This!� She shouted and tossed the jewelry box at him.

"This!" she shouted (after all, she is shouting that dialogue)

�The other day, Kunou you practically called me a�a whore! And now

A comma after 'Kunou' and try to keep the 'o' and 'ou'
spelling consistent.

�Exactly! You �merely� thought that by sending out your lackeys with

Perhaps you could put "merely" and suchlike into '  instead of ", since
that would avoid confusion with the " as speechmarks. For example:

"Exactly! You 'merely' thought that by

some money that you could �fix things.� See! That�s always been a
problem with you. You don�t realize that money doesn�t�fix�ev�.� She
stopped as she realized what she was about to say.

^_^ Heh. Well, that was a close call for her!

�Do not think that I chose my gift unwisely Tendo Nabiki. Rest assured

Again, a comma is needed to set off Nabsie's name. There were several
more instances in this fanfic were this might be needed, as well. I won't
mention 'em all because that would be just tiresome.

Mrs. Kunou grabbed the boy by the shoulders and spoke down to him. �Now
Tatewake, do as they say and make us proud. You must be strong ok?�

Hmmm... (a positive, interested hmming, just to clarify it)

�Here.� Mrs. Kunou said as she presented the boy the Mrs. Tendo. �I�m
sure he won�t be any trouble.�

"Here," Mrs. Kunou

Mrs. Tendo replied neutrally. �No, of course not.�

replied neutrally, "No, of course not."

�Hi.� she said.

"Hi,"

�Mommy says I have to be strong.�

Uh-oh. Hints of dysfunctional family at 10 o'clock!  ^_^

�Hello.� he said quietly and gave his own little bow.

"Hello," he said

�Now, now, you two. I want you guys to stay together ok? Tatewake-kun,
Nabiki here can show you how to stretch.� She looked at Nabiki. �Do you
think you can do that for me, honey?�

I've seen quiet a few fics that have implied or even stated that these
two knew since they were kiddies, but I've never actually seen it... till now.
It's good to build up the backgrounds of the characters as it helps
explain a little about their motivations and, consequently, makes their
actions, in the present, more believable. If done right, of course.

�Here. Do what I do.� she said.

"Here. Do what I do," she said.

�Ok.�

Suggest: "Okay" instead of "Ok" -- that way just looks... wrong to me.

He tried in vain to copy what she was doing but she was moving to fast
for him.

moving too fast

�The Kunou boy eh? Hmmm, his family is rather rich aren�t they? Yes�yes
they do look rather well together don�t you think?�

Heh. Pure Soun. :)
Not sure... but I think that there should be a comma before "aren't they?"
and "don't you think?"

only time that the Kunou children had to associate will children their
own age as they were schooled at home with private tutors.

Typo:
'with children their own age'

�All right.� His sister said groggily.

"All right," his sister

What do you mean there�s no lesson today? Asked Kuno, disappointment
clearly framing his voice.

"What do you mean there's no lesson today?" asked Kuno
(btw, you've changed from Kunou to Kuno)

She looked down at him and paused, as if contemplating whether or not to
tell him something. �There just isn�t today.�

Hmmm....

�But why Tatewake. It�s not fair, it�s not fair! We�re here every day!
We�re supposed to go out! It�s not fair!�

"But why, Tatewake?

�Hello?� it was a young girl�s voice.

"Hello?" It was a young girl's voice.

�Oh�ok.� He paused for a bit, then asked �W-will there still be classes
there?�

than asked, "W-will

Coming to school on a Saturday totally sucked. Although she had already
known what to expect, she had come anyway as a formality. Her older
sister, Kasumi was a junior and even while still in junior-high, Nabiki

sister, Kasumi, was

He was short, skinny, and looked hopelessly pre-pubescent, but he was
also lanky. It was obvious that he was bound to undergo a major growth
spurt anytime soon. His hair was combed back impeccably straight and his
uniform looked brand new and freshly pressed. She looked down at her own
clothing and felt a twinge of jealousy. Her own uniform was one of
Kasumi�s old handouts, its blue coloring somewhat faded.

<grin> No guesses for who the lanky guy is.
"Hopelessly pre-pubescent" --> great phrase, btw.

After orientation Nabiki stood in the courtyard. She had met most of her

After orientation, Nabiki stood

�Oh well.� Nabiki said quietly to herself. �Might as well get this over
with.�

"Oh well,"

has to find out who I am sooner or later.� Nabiki thought to herself.

later,"

She was just about to say hello when with a huge smile, he gave a deep
formal bow and greeted her. �Salutations Tendo Nabiki!�

Nabiki was taken aback but decided to keep her cool. �I see my
reputation precedes me.� she said slyly.

Uh-oh, she no remember and he does....
By the way:
reputation precedes me," she said

Nabiki mused inwardly �What the hell is up with that language?� she
thought �And who is he to use my first name?�

You don't really need both "mused inwardly" and "thought". One will suffice.
And yer missing a couple of full stops/periods.

He grinned mischievously. �Kunou.� he said simply.

"Kunou," he said

It was Shoma.

Uh-oh.

Shoma was the senior captain of the kendo team and one of the most
popular guys in school. He also had a crush on Kasumi and had allowed
Nabiki to associate with his group of friends in the hopes that he would
have a chance to date her.

Shoma and his boys walked up to Nabiki.

Double uh-oh with cherries on top.
But obstacles are good. Even egotistical ones. :)

�Heya �Biki!�

She hated that nickname.

Yep, Nabsie doesn't need a nickname. ;)

�No. Not really.� she said with slight smile. �But if you buy me a soda
I might be able to tell you where she�ll be later!�

"No. Not really," she said

�Ah well. Anyway�� he pointed to Kunou � So who�s the geek?� asked
Shoma.

"Ah well. Anyway..." He pointed to Kuno. "So

�He�s�a freshman, like me.� Nabiki offered.

like me,"

�Who asked you geek!� Spat one of the older boys.

you, geek!" spat out

The group of older boys grinned maliciously as they surrounded and
towered over the prostrate Kunou. Shoma then began to speak in an
imperious voice. �Looks like no one�s told you the most important part
of your orientation yet.� he said with a smirk.

yet," he said

Shoma bent down and grabbed Kunou�s chin. �And if you don�t like it�.�
he slapped Kunou�s face �Go cry at home �cause we don�t want to hear
it!� Kunou could do nothing but stare blankly.

Capitalise 'he' in 'he slapped Kunou's face' and add a full stop/period.

Over the subsequent years Kunou eventually filled out and came into his

subsequent years, Kunou

 I personally chose that bracelet because�for every year a pearl.�

Couple of extra spaces there.
Also:
"I personally chose that

As Ranma had once said quite elegantly �Yeah. He�s a fake, but he�s a

quite elegantly, "Yeah

She looked into his eyes. He looked so sad �Kunou�Tatewake-kun��

so sad. "Kunou

�Hey look! Woohoo! It�s Nabiki and her boyfriend!� A voice shot out from
across the �

across the what, exactly? It seems like there's a word missing.
Also:
boyfriend!" a voice shout out

Nabiki shouted back. �It�s not what you think!�

Give up, Nabsie, it's losing battle to protest in a place
like Nerima. You should know that by now. :)

Suggest: shouted back, "It's not what you think!"

�Of course not!� said another girl. �We wouldn�t want to interrupt you
and your �friend!��

Suggest: 'friend'!"

She looked back to Kunou who�s face now appeared to be blank.

Suggest: 'whose' instead of 'who's'

�Hey! A girl�s gotta keep it together right! Now get out of here before
I raise interest rates!� the entire group paled. �I�ll meet with you
guys later!�

Capitalise "the" in "the entire"

�All right Nabiki.� said one of the girls. We�ll be at the Neko-hanten!�

"All right, Nabiki," said one of the girls. "We'll be

�Tatewake-kun.� she whispered out loud.

kun," she whispered.
(and, IMO only, there's no need for the "out loud")

This complicated relationship keeps getting more interesting
to read about.
I hope that the next part doesn't take four months. ^_^

Bye, now!

~Kayu-chan

"You never really understand a person until you consider
things from his point of view... until you climb into his skin
and walk around in it."
~Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird