Vincent Seifert wrote:

C&C is most welcome.

Better late than never, I hope. This time you posted when I didn't have
free time. :)

Heh, I shall endeavour to be more considerate next time :)

All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.

As always, Vince, it's a great pleasure to receive one of your C&Cs.

Shampoo spat her contempt at the notion of being
outnumbered. "Bah, Pervert Girl run away if she want. Airen

"Bah.  Pervert

fight, so Shampoo fight with him." She narrowed her eyes in
consideration and quickly calculated the odds. "Is fifty-
three. Leave main demoness to Ranma. Shampoo take fifteen."
She glanced at the other martial artists in the group of
six. "That leave fifteen for Lost Boy, ten for Crazy Rose
Girl, ten for Spatula Girl and three for Pervert Girl. That
seem fair."

{Nice example of Amazon Arithmetic.  :) }

"Bah. Is only demons. This way Shampoo get spend quality time with Airen." :)

The thought of running away briefly crossed Ranma's mind,

{"Saotome Secret Technique, Multiple Application!"}

Yup. :)

"Masakado-sama, the Awakening is at hand," the kuroki said,

kuroko {? I think.  If so, it occurs elsewhere, too.}

Hmm, I'm not sure myself - I remember the term from Uresei Yatsura and I
thought it was spelt with an i on the end. Will check though.

"Good," he said, taking another sip and staring out the
window. "Okinawa does grow so boring. The view would be
much better from Tokyo."

{Not sure why this is here rather than somewhere else, except
that you seem to like to interrupt fight scenes. :) }

Gary mentioned something that related to this as well. I was thinking about it
and made the decision to shift and extend this part to just before the
Ranma-Shukumaru-Heizen scene. Hopefully, that will work better.

As for interrupting fight scenes, I have to admit that's one of my habits -  I
did think it added to the tension of the fight sequences, but if it doesn't
work as well as I think, feel free to let me know.

"MOKO TAKABISHA!!"

"SHISHI HOKODAN!!"

The bright yellow beam of Ranma's confidence blast slammed
into the massed horde below them; its violent fury matched
by the pale blue lance of Ryoga's depression attack. The
combined assault blew demons off their feet, scattering
them like chaff, and cleared a landing space for the six of
them.

{Allow me to add my vote to those who point out that in the manga both
ki attacks actually appear to be "hard air"; they damage by impact, not
by heat, zappage, or anything like that. Glowing a bit is possible, I
suppose, especially in the dark like this (see v32 p100, in the Asuka
story, where Kodachi sees Akane's aura and says "Why are you burning?")}

I'll be trying this with the revision of Chapter 3.

Shampoo alighted first, bonbori swinging in a deadly arc
to crush the head of a dazed boar-ogre. Kodachi dropped
from the warehouse roof next, pointing her Spear of Fuma
straight down. The tentacled demon directly below only had
time to widen its sole bulbous eye in fear before the demon-
slaying weapon plunged into its soul, pinning the massive
body into the ground. The 106th Devil Hunter of the Kuno
Clan proceeded to rip the spear from the putrefying corpse
and turned to face her next opponent.

{I have one word for you for later reference: pole-vaulting.  :) }

The demon squishes well? :)

"Neither, fool!" she sneered in reply. "Instead, I shall
swiftly destroy you, dear brother. Your very existence
offends Shukumaru."

{Here Shukumaru refers to herself in the third person. This is often
done in Japanese, but not in English, so it seems a little odd since
Shukumaru does use personal pronouns too... translation artifact? :) }

I was trying for the Sesshoumaru effect where he uses this phrasing, even in
the Viz translations. I bumped into a selection of Sesshoumaru's coolest
phrases (and the guy gets a lot - Takahashi-sama must really like him :) and
downloaded them. I can send them to you if you'd like to have a look.

Referring to one's self in Japanese is a sign of real arrogance, but I guess
it doesn't translate to well.

""What?! What the hell did I ever do to you?" Ranma asked

"What?!

in a perplexed tone, then he shrugged away the thought as
irrelevant. "I don't normally like fighting girls. Guess
I'll have to make an exception in your case."

{I wonder how long it'll be before he makes the exception the rule... :) }

Let's see - Kodachi, Shampoo, Ukyo, Hinako, Konatsu (unaware of the real
nature), Kima, Akane (with the dougi/ramen), have I missed a few?

"Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken!!" he shouted, ignoring the
savage flare of torment in his right shoulder as his arms
blurred into the Chestnut fist.

{This is another difference between the anime and the manga. In the
manga, the KTA is not a called attack, or even an attack at all; it's a
speed training technique. Master it, get fast. Cologne found Ranma's use
of his KTA-enhanced speed for a multiple-punch attack remarkable enough
to, well, remark on it. :) But he uses it without yelling first.}

Movie influences; what can I say? But realistically, the KTA enhances arm
speed only unless you train up your legs as well (which Ranma never does -
such a useful application too). But what I was trying to get across was that
all of Ranma's later opponents in the movies can overcome/ignore/are faster
than the KTA. A little joke if you will.

"I know this one, dear brother, and its weakness!"

Weakness? wondered Ranma.

{I have trouble with Ranma not knowing the weaknesses of an attack he
developed himself and has used for some time.}

As I mentioned above, at least in the movies, Ranma still hasn't managed to
improve the technique any - it's always his first 'special' attack and the
main bad guy always has some way around it. I, personally, cannot believe that
Ranma can't improve the move the way he does the Hiryu Shoten Ha against
Saffron, but didn't happen in the manga or anime, so at this point anyway,
it's realistic that Shukumaru can beat the unmodified KTA.

"I have you now!" Shukumaru shouted in triumph as she
lunged, claws poised to rend the prone figure of her half-
human brother. "Dokkasou!"

{That, on the other hand, definitely IS a called attack.  :) }

I like it, too. :)

by a human woman. Surely that kind of stuff only happened
in anime?

{Heh. Don't start with metaphysics, Nabiki, you won't like the answers.
:) }

I think, therefore I am, but I'm not really thinking my own thoughts, am I?

Irrationally, she knew it was more than possible
what with all the insane things that kept happening to

possible, what

Ranma, but her rational side insisted on throwing as doubt

as much doubt {?}

over the issue as it could. She sighed. She suspected that
only one thing would ever convince her of the truth, and
she wanted to stay away from that as much as possible.

{"Hi.  I'm your blind date from Hell."  :) }

Demon [waving tentacles in dismay]: "Wait, where are we going?"

Nabiki [grinning]: "Well, I know this movie producer..."

Soun wandered into the kitchen, eyes still red and with
crusted tracks of dried tears lining his face. He took the
silently offered teacup from Kasumi and drained its
contents with one swallow.

{Um... I think Kasumi would serve tea at sipping temperature, not
gulping temperature. Heavens, anything less would be positively
unseemly. :) Soun either has a leather esophagus or is about to puff
steam out his ears. :) }

Um, he needs the fluid replacement really badly?

"Hmm, speaking of which," Kodachi said as she ducked a
blow from the four-armed monstrosity facing her, "Akane
Tendo, I wish to purchase your pet pig from you."

{Hey, I like this notion.}

Strange, but true: this whole scene evolved around the Kodachi-Akane lines.

"You want to what?!" shouted a startled Akane. She dodged
frantically as a pair of oni attempted to double-team her.
"He's not for sale!" she snapped.

"Bah, such reluctance. So you do know--"

{Good timing, Ryoga.  :)  Very original-flavor.}

Thanks.

scattering them like tenpins. "Ryoga-sama, you saved me!"
she crowed with delight, ignoring the fact that he had
endangered her in the first place. "How can I reward you?"

{"No idea?  Well, I'm sure I'll think of something..."  :) }

"And perhaps we might be able to get Ranma-sama to join in." Kodachi paused
upon hearing a dull thud. "Oh, if only you'd stop having those silly
nosebleeds and fainting spells, Ryoga-sama."

"Ranma, don't you dare die on me!" Ryoga shouted. "I
haven't beaten you yet!"

{heh. Very Ryoga, but more early Ryoga than late. Perhaps this qualifies
as something between bravado and nostalgia...}

Well, Ryoga's one of the most lonely guys in existence, so he probably does
miss those fights with Ranma.

The fear was obvious to him now, glittering brightly,
shining forth from the legion of burning eyes. They hadn't
attacked him because of hunger, he realized, but because
they were afraid - afraid of a greater predator... afraid
of him.

{Good notion, I think.  The change of perception works for me.}

One of the turning points in the plot. :)

Ranma stared back dispassionately. The world was uniformly
gray, harsh and hideous. He could feel the need to rend,
to tear, and to destroy welling up from the inky darkness
that his soul had become. Ranma bared his teeth in cold joy
as Shukumaru leapt away defensively. His mind flickered
randomly and a thought struck him.

Was this how Shukumaru saw the world?

{I like this change in perception, too.}

Nods: can a demon be more than a beast? It's a nice concept to play around
with.

As a mere plaything to be used and destroyed in pure
selfishness?

All of creation stood before his power. He only had to
reach out and seize it, to claim it for his own. Shukumaru
would be first. He would seize her, use her, discard her,
then kill her. Then he would take all of his fiancees as
concubines, making Akane his first... His train of thought
stopped suddenly. Akane. The yellow hunger faded from his
eyes, and he shuddered.

{He just imagined her reaction to his offer of concubinage.  :) }

"You... you pervert!!!" *Crash*

"Enjoy your first taste of power, dear brother?" Shukumaru
asked him sardonically. Yet, her voice wasn't as steady as

Yet her

it had been, Ranma noted. Was she afraid? Of him?

"No," he replied shortly, unable to confront his own
darkness. He had looked into the depths of his soul, and a
monster had looked back. If that was his power, inherited
from Yami-no-Tsume, then Ranma didn't want any part of it.

{Somehow, I don't think this issue is over, not by a long shot. I expect
that Ranma will be both tempted by his power and pressed by circumstance
to accept it. More internal struggling later, please. :) }

Oh, yes. Internal struggles are so much fun. :)

he'll take over the east and become the lord of two
quarters."

{What a paltry hoard.  :) }

Only a few yen, as Gary mentioned. :)

The sickle-weasel shrugged negligently. "Then we shall
meet again." He faded from view, his grinning jaws the last
to vanish.

{... A Cheshire Weasel?  :) }

Yup, this was the image in my head.

The small, wrinkled servitor-demon appeared, along with two
kitsune-tsuki. The fox-demons held a struggling Nodoka
between them. "Ranma!" she called out. "Don't come after me!
It's a trap!"

{Well, of course it's a trap, Mom!  Jeez!"  :) }

"But I'll still come anyway..."

"Mom!" Ranma cried out, shock coursing through his system.
He turned back to Shukumaru and snarled. "How dare you?!"

snarled "How

"How dare I?" Shukumaru replied mockingly. "Because of
her, our dear father discarded my mother for a mere human
woman!

{Interesting motivation. I hope to hear more about Ranma's, er, family
relationships and obligations as they begin to intermesh.}

A bit later. The plot is action-oriented early on and moves rather rapidly to
introduce most of the players and while there are alternate chapters where the
reactions are worked out, not everything is dealt with at once.

"That's quite correct," Kodachi agreed empathically. She
turned to Ranma. "How could she call Akane Tendo your woman
when it is completely obvious that I have that role!" She
paused dramatically, before adding, "Not to disparage your
mother's loss, of course, Ranma-sama."

{hehehe!  Nice recovery, Kodachi.  :) }

I do so love to write Kodachi; she delivers the best lines with aplomb. :)

amusement. "Not to mention that she chose to threaten me,
the Great Umibouzu!" he muttered in an audible tone. "That
arrogant little bitch!"

{"in an audible tone"? Not sure what you're trying to say here. What
distinguishes this audible tone from his previous, also audible, tone?}

I guess it was meant to be inaudible but for a beast that big... I'll try to
clarify it.

Thanks for the footnotes, BTW.

It makes for a lot more clarity on the part of the readers. Something which is
wise on my part when I keep throwing in these obscure Japanese terms and
jokes. :)

Oh, yes. I mentioned a forthcoming Critter File. It'll be out with Chapter 4.

General comment: much battling, but I must admit my primary interest is
what Ranma's, er, apotheosis (or something) means to the web of
relationships and obligations around him, and for me the battling is
just a venue. This is not to say that they aren't good battles; they
are. I particularly liked the girls squabbling amid the battle; this
strikes me as in-character, original-flavor, and amusing.

Yes, that is a major point of the series - developing Ranma as more than just
an overpowered battle-machine. Life goes on, even for the cast of Ranma 1/2
and thisstoryline makes for a decent venue for that.

It is fairly action-oriented early on, but I've always thought that the Ranma
characters
tend to grow through their battles. I'll be attempting to balance the talk and
action as
the series progresses.

I'd like to see a bit of insight into Shukumaru's character beyond the
posturing evil villain we've seen so far. Not all at once, of course,
but as Ranma & Co discover it.

Nods, Shukumaru will grow as well, but note that it's taken Takahashi-sama all
theway to Book 11 to start developing Sesshoumaru's character past that
initial outlook,
so things will progress albeit slowly on that front. Hopefully, faster than
RT's IY does. :)

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Heh. Thank you for responding with these great comments, Vince.

Phil.

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
CSUS hired me to build their LANs, not to give away the homeworld.