C&C is most welcome.

Better late than never, I hope. This time you posted when I didn't have
free time. :)

All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.
 

Shampoo spat her contempt at the notion of being
outnumbered. "Bah, Pervert Girl run away if she want. Airen

"Bah.  Pervert

fight, so Shampoo fight with him." She narrowed her eyes in
consideration and quickly calculated the odds. "Is fifty-
three. Leave main demoness to Ranma. Shampoo take fifteen."
She glanced at the other martial artists in the group of
six. "That leave fifteen for Lost Boy, ten for Crazy Rose
Girl, ten for Spatula Girl and three for Pervert Girl. That
seem fair."

{Nice example of Amazon Arithmetic.  :) }

"I too shall perform my part though I hardly think the

"I, too, shall perform my part, although

outcome will be as neat as that," Kodachi put in. Her gaze
swept the scene yet again, starting from the enormous form
of Umibouzu, who was watching the incipient battle with an
eager eye, then canvassing across the demon horde in front
of them, before finally coming to rest on the waiting

them before

figure of Shukumaru. She had clearly heard the demoness
claim to be Ranma-sama's sister which raised a plethora of

sister, which

questions in her mind.

{And mine.  :) }

 Still, it was hardly the time to
demand any answers...  yet. "Ranma-sama, what is your
decision?"

The thought of running away briefly crossed Ranma's mind,

{"Saotome Secret Technique, Multiple Application!"}

idea. There was only one option that was truly available
to them.

{suggest} There was truly only one option available to them.
 

"We attack," he said firmly.

An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami

Chapter 3: Assumption of Power

been situated without much thought or design. Rich,
western tapestries clashed with ancient Japanese wall

Rich Western

scrolls, while a pair of waist-high silver elephants seemed
out of place amidst the large collection of Ming vases.

A long table occupied with crystalware and golden
candlesticks filled much of the remaining space. A lone
diner sat at the far end and busily consumed his evening

{suggest} end, busily consuming his

repast.

"Masakado-sama, the Awakening is at hand," the kuroki said,

kuroko {? I think.  If so, it occurs elsewhere, too.}

bowing deeply. "Both parties are on the scene."

"Ahh, excellent," Masakado replied, dabbing his lips with
a napkin. He picked up his knife and fork again, and sliced

again and

into the tender steak before him, ignoring the blood that
gushed out from the savage wound.

"Good," he said, taking another sip and staring out the
window. "Okinawa does grow so boring. The view would be
much better from Tokyo."

{Not sure why this is here rather than somewhere else, except
that you seem to like to interrupt fight scenes. :) }

"MOKO TAKABISHA!!"

"SHISHI HOKODAN!!"

The bright yellow beam of Ranma's confidence blast slammed
into the massed horde below them; its violent fury matched
by the pale blue lance of Ryoga's depression attack. The
combined assault blew demons off their feet, scattering
them like chaff, and cleared a landing space for the six of
them.

{Allow me to add my vote to those who point out that in the manga both
ki attacks actually appear to be "hard air"; they damage by impact, not
by heat, zappage, or anything like that. Glowing a bit is possible, I
suppose, especially in the dark like this (see v32 p100, in the Asuka
story, where Kodachi sees Akane's aura and says "Why are you burning?")}

Shampoo alighted first, bonbori swinging in a deadly arc
to crush the head of a dazed boar-ogre. Kodachi dropped
from the warehouse roof next, pointing her Spear of Fuma
straight down. The tentacled demon directly below only had
time to widen its sole bulbous eye in fear before the demon-
slaying weapon plunged into its soul, pinning the massive
body into the ground. The 106th Devil Hunter of the Kuno
Clan proceeded to rip the spear from the putrefying corpse
and turned to face her next opponent.

{I have one word for you for later reference: pole-vaulting.  :) }
 

Ryoga dropped into the space cleared by the four girls. He
immediately crouched and cupped his hands to form a
stirrup. "Come on!" he shouted to Ranma, who immediately
leapt down.

"Take care of her," Ranma whispered, clasping Ryoga on the
shoulder, before resting his foot in the prepared stirrup.

{suggest} before setting his foot in Ryoga's hands.

"I will," Ryoga whispered back. Then using all of his

Then, using

considerable strength, he hurled the pig-tailed martial
artist over the heads of the massed demons.

Ranma touched down beyond the semi-circle of demons and

semicircle

launched himself again, springing up to the warehouse roof
to confront Shukumaru.

8<

"Neither, fool!" she sneered in reply. "Instead, I shall
swiftly destroy you, dear brother. Your very existence
offends Shukumaru."

{Here Shukumaru refers to herself in the third person. This is often
done in Japanese, but not in English, so it seems a little odd since
Shukumaru does use personal pronouns too... translation artifact? :) }
 

""What?! What the hell did I ever do to you?" Ranma asked

"What?!

in a perplexed tone, then he shrugged away the thought as
irrelevant. "I don't normally like fighting girls. Guess
I'll have to make an exception in your case."

{I wonder how long it'll be before he makes the exception the rule... :) }

Fear shot through him as the pain brought back flashes of
hideous and unwelcome memories. Memories of glowing eyes

{sentence fragment; suggest} memories: memories of

and tearing claws in the bitter darkness that threatened to
overwhelm him.

8<

"Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken!!" he shouted, ignoring the
savage flare of torment in his right shoulder as his arms
blurred into the Chestnut fist.

{This is another difference between the anime and the manga. In the
manga, the KTA is not a called attack, or even an attack at all; it's a
speed training technique. Master it, get fast. Cologne found Ranma's use
of his KTA-enhanced speed for a multiple-punch attack remarkable enough
to, well, remark on it. :) But he uses it without yelling first.}

"I know this one, dear brother, and its weakness!"

Weakness? wondered Ranma.

{I have trouble with Ranma not knowing the weaknesses of an attack he
developed himself and has used for some time.}

"I have you now!" Shukumaru shouted in triumph as she
lunged, claws poised to rend the prone figure of her half-
human brother. "Dokkasou!"

{That, on the other hand, definitely IS a called attack.  :) }

Nabiki sat watching as Kasumi finished washing up and
fidgetted. The lack of news was getting to her. What was

fidgeted.  {but suggest, since it looks like Kasumi's fidgeting}

Nabiki sat and fidgeted, watching Kasumi finish washing up.

keeping them anyway? It seemed so simple on the outside: go

them, anyway?
{and suggest} from the outside: {or} from the sidelines:

On an intrinsic level, it was virtually impossible for her
to accept that demons actually existed in modern-day Tokyo,
and that Ranma had been fathered by a Cat-Demon and birthed

{suggest, since it's not a proper noun} cat-demon

by a human woman. Surely that kind of stuff only happened
in anime?

{Heh. Don't start with metaphysics, Nabiki, you won't like the answers.
:) }

Irrationally, she knew it was more than possible
what with all the insane things that kept happening to

possible, what

Ranma, but her rational side insisted on throwing as doubt

as much doubt {?}

over the issue as it could. She sighed. She suspected that
only one thing would ever convince her of the truth, and
she wanted to stay away from that as much as possible.

{"Hi.  I'm your blind date from Hell."  :) }

Kasumi set the last dinner plate onto the drying rack and
perked up as she heard Nabiki sigh. "Would like some more

"Would you like {?}

tea?" she asked her sister.

Soun wandered into the kitchen, eyes still red and with
crusted tracks of dried tears lining his face. He took the
silently offered teacup from Kasumi and drained its
contents with one swallow.

{Um... I think Kasumi would serve tea at sipping temperature, not
gulping temperature. Heavens, anything less would be positively
unseemly. :) Soun either has a leather esophagus or is about to puff
steam out his ears. :) }

Nabiki watched as her father seized upon the tiny morsel
of reassurance as a starving dog would seize a day-old
piece of rotten meat, and silently shook her head. "I think
I'll go to my room and watch some videos.

{"Devil Hunter Yohko", perhaps?  :) }

"Gyaah!" she cried out in disgust, trying to free herself
from the writhing mass of elongated prehensile members. The
sticky fluid exuded from their tips didn't help her peace-
of-mind at all.

peace of mind

Ukyo's battle-spatula flashed down in a overhand arc,
slicing through the tentacles stretching from Akane to the
slime demon. The okonomiyaki chef raised her weapon again,
but the blob swiftly rolled back, ululating its pain. Akane

{Good word. I used to practice ululating regularly.  :) }

Akane flushed in anger and embarrassment. "No way! It
isn't like that at all! I borrowed a couple of tapes from
Nabiki's anime collection just to have a look. I didn't
know what was on them." She stumbled to a halt.

{Suggest you throw in a strike, a dodge, or something here to make it
clear that the combat is continuing while they're chatting. I don't have
a problem with these gals being able to talk and fight at the same time,
though. :) }

face. "So, Mercenary Girl keep this type of tapes," she
mused, casually dodging a charging bull-ogre.

{Yes, like that.}

"Hmm, speaking of which," Kodachi said as she ducked a
blow from the four-armed monstrosity facing her, "Akane
Tendo, I wish to purchase your pet pig from you."

{Hey, I like this notion.}

"You want to what?!" shouted a startled Akane. She dodged
frantically as a pair of oni attempted to double-team her.
"He's not for sale!" she snapped.

"Bah, such reluctance. So you do know--"

{Good timing, Ryoga.  :)  Very original-flavor.}

scattering them like tenpins. "Ryoga-sama, you saved me!"
she crowed with delight, ignoring the fact that he had
endangered her in the first place. "How can I reward you?"

{"No idea?  Well, I'm sure I'll think of something..."  :) }

"Ranma!" she shrieked in horror as she saw the demoness
lunge at him, smoking claw pointed at his prone body. She
backhanded a brutish bull-ogre in the face without even
paying attention.

{suggest, since she has to be "paying attention" in some way to hit
accurately} without even looking.

"Ranma, don't you dare die on me!" Ryoga shouted. "I
haven't beaten you yet!"

{heh. Very Ryoga, but more early Ryoga than late. Perhaps this qualifies
as something between bravado and nostalgia...}

The fear was obvious to him now, glittering brightly,
shining forth from the legion of burning eyes. They hadn't
attacked him because of hunger, he realized, but because
they were afraid - afraid of a greater predator... afraid
of him.

{Good notion, I think.  The change of perception works for me.}

Ranma stared back dispassionately. The world was uniformly
gray, harsh and hideous. He could feel the need to rend,
to tear, and to destroy welling up from the inky darkness
that his soul had become. Ranma bared his teeth in cold joy
as Shukumaru leapt away defensively. His mind flickered
randomly and a thought struck him.

Was this how Shukumaru saw the world?

{I like this change in perception, too.}

As a mere plaything to be used and destroyed in pure
selfishness?

All of creation stood before his power. He only had to
reach out and seize it, to claim it for his own. Shukumaru
would be first. He would seize her, use her, discard her,
then kill her. Then he would take all of his fiancees as
concubines, making Akane his first... His train of thought
stopped suddenly. Akane. The yellow hunger faded from his
eyes, and he shuddered.

{He just imagined her reaction to his offer of concubinage.  :) }

"Enjoy your first taste of power, dear brother?" Shukumaru
asked him sardonically. Yet, her voice wasn't as steady as

Yet her

it had been, Ranma noted. Was she afraid? Of him?

"No," he replied shortly, unable to confront his own
darkness. He had looked into the depths of his soul, and a
monster had looked back. If that was his power, inherited
from Yami-no-Tsume, then Ranma didn't want any part of it.

{Somehow, I don't think this issue is over, not by a long shot. I expect
that Ranma will be both tempted by his power and pressed by circumstance
to accept it. More internal struggling later, please. :) }

He brought his fists up and settled into an aggressive
stance. "Let's finish this."

"Bah, only a fool would reject his own power. Lie down and

{suggest}  "Bah.  Only

It was action without thought, pure and clear. Ranma's hand
whipped past all of Shukumaru's defences, slamming into her
like a shockwave and sending her flying back; but it wasn't

back, but

a killing blow. Only after he struck did he realize that he
hadn't meant it to kill. Then he was moving as well,
flinging himself back. An instant later, a huge, silvery-
metallic sickle slammed itself into the spot where both of

{suggest, unless you wish to imply that the sickle is moving of its own
volition} slammed into

them had been standing moments before, throwing up gouts of
broken debris and clouds of metallic dust.

8<

"Oh, pooh," the demon said, sitting on his haunches. "You
saved her and made my tail miss." He gave a deranged
giggle. "What a shame. My tail was craving a fine vintage
of blood tonight. The blood of Yami-no-Tsume's offspring."

{sentence fragment: suggest} tonight: the blood

"Isn't it clear?" Heizen-To reared up in amusement. "My
Lord wants you both dead, so he asked me to kill you. Then,

Then he'll

he'll take over the east and become the lord of two
quarters."

{What a paltry hoard.  :) }

The sickle-weasel shrugged negligently. "Then we shall
meet again." He faded from view, his grinning jaws the last
to vanish.

{... A Cheshire Weasel?  :) }

Shukumaru turned to face Ranma. She quivered in fury. "And
you! You saved my life?!" Her voice was choked with hatred
and disbelief.

"Wasn't my idea," Ranma drawled. "If I'd thought about it
first..."

{suggest, since he was interrupted} first--"

Umibouzu's booming laughter erupted, startling all the
combatants. "Ho, Shukumaru, what will you do? Your
accursed little brother has saved your precious life. Will
you try to kill him regardless?"

him, regardless?" {?}

"Very well, dear brother," Shukumaru continued. "I shall
repay your act by letting you live tonight. We will meet
again at the Shrine of Thunder on Mount Fuji in two days
hence. And just to be certain that you will come, brother,

Fuji in two days' time. And, {or} Fuji two days hence. And,

I've taken a little something that belongs to you.
Jakuten!"

The small, wrinkled servitor-demon appeared, along with two
kitsune-tsuki. The fox-demons held a struggling Nodoka
between them. "Ranma!" she called out. "Don't come after me!
It's a trap!"

{Well, of course it's a trap, Mom!  Jeez!"  :) }
 

"Mom!" Ranma cried out, shock coursing through his system.
He turned back to Shukumaru and snarled. "How dare you?!"

snarled "How

"How dare I?" Shukumaru replied mockingly. "Because of
her, our dear father discarded my mother for a mere human
woman!

{Interesting motivation. I hope to hear more about Ranma's, er, family
relationships and obligations as they begin to intermesh.}

 I planned to have her slowly tortured to death after
taking your power, brother, so if you wish to save her, I
suggest you show up for our duel. Eighteen years is a long
time to think up a truly astonishing amount of creative

{suggest} years is enough time to think up

torments."

8<

When the giant serpent disdained to reply, Shukumaru
vanished, along with her army of demons, Jakuten, the two
kitsune-tsuki and... Ranma's mother.

kitsune-tsuki, and...

"Why that witch!" Ukyo exclaimed. "How could she?!"

"Why, that
 

"That's quite correct," Kodachi agreed empathically. She
turned to Ranma. "How could she call Akane Tendo your woman
when it is completely obvious that I have that role!" She
paused dramatically, before adding, "Not to disparage your
mother's loss, of course, Ranma-sama."

{hehehe!  Nice recovery, Kodachi.  :) }

amusement. "Not to mention that she chose to threaten me,
the Great Umibouzu!" he muttered in an audible tone. "That
arrogant little bitch!"

{"in an audible tone"? Not sure what you're trying to say here. What
distinguishes this audible tone from his previous, also audible, tone?}

"Wait--" Ranma called out hurriedly. Yet Umibouzu's head
continued to submerged without pause, sending a huge
upwelling of bubbles rushing to the surface. Then, they

{suggest just} They burst

burst and vanished as well, leaving no trace of the Devourer
of Ships.

"How the heck am I suppose to 'call on him'?" Ranma asked

supposed

in disgust. He spun around, shaking away the thought.
"Come on, guys. Let's get the hell out of here."

{Poor choice of words... :) }

---

Author's Notes:

1) 'kuroki' - these are black-clad attendants or servitors
common to rich Japanese households in the past.

again, I think this is "kuroko", but not sure.

2) 'Dokkasou' - translates as 'Toxic Flower Claw': one of
Sesshoumaru's attacks (from Inu-Yasha).

Thanks for the footnotes, BTW.

General comment: much battling, but I must admit my primary interest is
what Ranma's, er, apotheosis (or something) means to the web of
relationships and obligations around him, and for me the battling is
just a venue. This is not to say that they aren't good battles; they
are. I particularly liked the girls squabbling amid the battle; this
strikes me as in-character, original-flavor, and amusing.

I'd like to see a bit of insight into Shukumaru's character beyond the
posturing evil villain we've seen so far. Not all at once, of course,
but as Ranma & Co discover it.

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
CSUS hired me to build their LANs, not to give away the homeworld.