"Morgan Hudson" <dataraven_659@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

Well, here's my first ever post to the FFML! Please, anybody who reads this, 
feel free to send me any C&C you've got (no flames, though >_< - I accept 
constructive criticism, NOT insults).

Okay....

The writing style here is very good. The story flows smoothly and the
prose conveys well the characters' feelings. But I had some major
problems with the story.

First of all, you're treading over very well-worn ground. Kuno/Nabiki
matchups have been done by many, and there've been a fair number of
"everything you know is wrong" stories where certain characters'
feelings are different than they let on. This of course doesn't mean you
shouldn't be writing such a story, but it does mean that making it
interesting is going to be significantly harder than it would be with a
less often used idea.

But the real problem I had was that I didn't find the explanations
convincing. If Nabzy is the one Kuno really wants, why does he keep
bothering Ranma and Akane? If it's only to get his butt kicked so he can
end up in the infirmary and see Nabs, there'd be easier ways to do it.
And if Nabiki wants Kuno, why isn't she doing anything to get him? I can
understand why she might not want to show interest directly, but in that
case there'd be sneakier methods for her to try. She's not the type to
just sit and wait when she's not getting what she wants.

Just one reader's opinion. Even though I didn't think this story quite
hit the mark, your writing shows great promise, and I hope we'll see
more from you.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html