Just a little bit of madness I came up with on the Dragonsworn
Wheel of Time Discussion Board... thought some of the fellow
Jordanites on the list would like this.  ^_^


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Aginor: Welcome back to the Shai'Tan Arena, I'm Lord Agin'Gar...
Balthamel: *Fondles A Domani Woman carrying around the signs for
each Round*

Aginor: *Channels, Making Balthan'gar fall twitching to the ground
as he itches his skin*

Balthamel: GET THEM OFF ME YOU LIGHT BLINDED FOOL!!!

Aginor: Only if you ask nicely.

Balthamel: !%@(*$#@

Aginor: Well.. if you put it that way... *Stops channeling*

Balthamel: Flaming insane... oh.. I'm Balthan'Gar.

Aginor&Balthamel: And *THIS* is celebrity Deathmatch.

Aginor: We've got a great roundup for you today, and I don't just
mean the two lesbians that were fondling on screen just now.

Balthamel: YOU !&@(*#@ I AM NOT A WOMAN!!!

Aginor: *Stares at Balthangars new breasts, given to him by the
Great Lord* Sorry, But your mammary protrusions tend to lead me to
believe you are of the fairer sex.

Balthamel: Flattery will get you nowhere, Agingar.

Aginor: Whatever, HALIMA... hehehe... As I was saying, We have a
fabulous lineup tonight...

Balthamel: *GLARES FIRE at Agingar* And the star attraction which we
are starting off with here would be...

Aginor: The craziest of loonies...

Balthamel: That bale-firin' bad-boy from the west...

Aginor: That Mad Ranting Dragon Reborn...

Balthamel: Rand-Al-Thor!!! I hate the guy myself, has no respect for
the Chosen.. no respect at all.

Aginor: (Leers at Balthangar)

Balthamel: I'll cut it off, and you know I will.

Aginor: That's okay. *Grins* I'm a microbiologist, I'm sure I could
find a way to get a bigger and better one.

Balthamel: Men, always thinking of bigger...

Aginor: You should know, you were one.

Balthamel: *Glares at Agingar*

Aginor: hehehe.. and, tackling the Two-Rivers Terror is That Shady
Deck of Danger...

Balthamel: That Shadowed Walking Stranger...

Aginor: Walker, Texas Ranger!

Balthamel: GAAAH! NO WAY!?!?!

Aginor: No, even I'm not *THAT* evil...

Balthamel: Yes... as I was saying, Nae-Blissness himself...

Aginor: ISHAMAEL, MASTER OF FORSAKEN!

Balthamel: I knew him back in College, he was such a dweeb. None of
the ladies liked him much.

Aginor: Don't let him hear you, I wouldn't like to see what would
happen to your remains when he was done... that's assuming that
there ARE ANY.

Balthamel: Shutting up.

Aginor: Without further Adieu, Let us go to the ring, Where a TRULY
exciting fight is about to begin!

---------------------------------------------

((We go to a shot from over the Central Ring, where the seats are
filled to the brim))

Aginor: well, it looks like it's going to be a BIG scene tonight!
Everyone seems to be here, Even the Daughter of the Nine Moons!

Celine Dion: Thank you thank you, I am the Greatest singer in de
world!

Balthamel: Who let her in?? Damn those Seanchan, always meddling in
other peoples affairs!

Matt: GET HER OFF ME, RAND! SHE'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!!!
*Struggling in Dion's grasp*

Aginor: We've even got the King and Queen of Shara, that whacked out
place down south.

Gates: "C'mon, honey.... can we please have Sex tonight?"

Mrs. Gates: "No! I told you, if I don't see more pretty gifts from
the richest man in the world, you get nothing!"

Gates: Sighs and pulls out his wallet.

Aginor: Hey, where was he when the Dark One needed Recruits? Looks
pretty shady to me.

Balthamel: He was in his garage masturbating while thinking up a new
OS.

Aginor: OS?

Balthamel: Nevermind.... just remember that the Dark One isn't the
only evil canniving viscious k'nid out there. Oh, I see a group of
Whitecloaks.. they seem to be heading this way...

Arthur: Greetings, I am Arthur, KING of the Britains! I have
travelled hard and long in my search for the Holy Grrrail!

Aginor: Did he just say hard and long?

Balthamel: And you call me the sick one, Agingar...

Arthur: Hello? are you listening to me?

Aginor: Yeah, what do you want, Silly Arthur King?

Arthur: I have come to invite you and your leader on my quest for
the Holy Grrrail!

Aginor&Balthamel: *Whispers between eachother*

Sir Robin: I don't like this... whatsay we go home and have a nice
cup of tea?

Sir Galahad: Oh quit your whining you Pansy... honestly, sometimes.

Aginor: We've consulted with our Lord and he said to tell you that
he already has one.

Arthur: WHAT?! He already has the Holy Grail!?

Balthamel: A yup...

Arthur: Can we see it?

Aginor: Are you crazy? You think we'd let you see our GRAIL? What
kind of pervert are you?!?

Arthur: Oh, I'm terribly sorry! I didn't mean-

Balthamel: Oh of course, you say that now, but I'm sure you've been
philandering small fuzzy animals in the forest, you sexual deviant!

Arthur: But I wasn't! I mean I never! You don't understand!

Aginor: *Yawns* I tire of him, Balthangar... get rid of them
please...

Arthur: Rid of me? Whatever do you mean?

Balthangar: *ZAAAAAAP* Ahh Balefire, nothing like erasing someone
from the pattern after a long days work.

Aginor: Oh, the fighters have entered the ring!!!

Balthamel: As Judge we've hired Jain M. Farstrider, who was away on
a signing contract in Tanchico quite recently.

Aginor: A great man, you have to admit. I simply loved him as Jain
Bond.

Connery: *glares at the two warriors in their corners*

Aginor: Looks like Al'Thor is practicing his sword forms for this
battle... Oh look, there is Hamster-mounts-the-Gerbil! Perfectly
executed!

Balthamel: And there is New-Yorker-Mugging-Tourist!

Aginor: Oh my! A perfect execution of Decaprio-Killing-Movie! His
skills have definitely improved since we last saw him...

Balthamel: Yes. But let's take a look at Ishamael, everyone's
favorite forsaken.. it looks like he's going to be making a killing
tonight, and he definitely doesn't look worried.

Ishamael: *Has classical music playing as he meditates, staring at a
a board with a Fisher King on it. He contemplates the world and what
he could do with a thousand toothpicks in Cairhien, running over
"HOW TO MAKE A KILLING IN THE CORPORATE WORLD" Over and over in his
head, memorizing every word so that he might utterly dismember
Al'Thor in every possible way.*

Liandrin: "HEY MORIDIN!!! YOU SUCK, MORON!"

Ishamael: *Looks up, and stares at Liandrin with Saa burning across
his eyes*.

Shaidar'Haran(With James Earl Jones Voiceover): What is your
bidding, My Master? *Chee Haww*

Ishamael: I want you to go to the moon of Endor.. wait.. wrong
movie. Just go kill the wench over there that said I suck. Do it
slowly.

Liandrin: *Screams as she is slowly gutted, her insides pulled out,
her fingers broken, and her head decapitated*

Ishamael: Ahhh, the sweet sounds of sordid silence.

Al'Thor: You really do suck, Ishamael... how many times have I
killed you now??

Ishamael: My death is but a paltry matter, as the wheel has turned,
I have been born again and again to combat you. A Thousand Times a
Thousand is a million.

Al'Thor: *Blinks* Huh?

Ishamael: Not only that, but I have found that if a Woodchuck could
chuck would, he would chuck about 2 1/2 cords per hour.

Al'Thor: You must be wonky.

Ishamael: You may think what you wish, but I will have the triforce.

Al'Thor: Yeesh... what the heck is wrong with you?

Ishamael: Not as much as what will be wrong with you when I have
finished my Barney Solo.

Al'Thor: *Sweats in fear* Urr.. maybe we should just fight, right?

Connery: "Now you all undershtand the rulesh, am I right? Kill
eachother clean as a shlate, whoeversh left breathing is the
winner... and the winner goes home to have wild monkey shecksh with
the Prom Queen."

Ishamael: Guess I'll be seeing Ilyena then, aye Kinslayer?

Rand: DON'T CALL ME THAT!! It's all my fault, Ilyena.. Ilyena.. if
only I had taken more care of the cat, but the damned Donuts were
taunting me and I couldn't get 42 out of my head! Oh why oh why!

Connery: Letsh Get it on...

Ishamael: *Yawns, waiting for Rand to finish talking to himself*

Rand: NO YOU LIGHTBLINDED FOOL, YOU'll KILL US *URK*

Ishamael: *Kicks Rand HARD in the nogging with a weave of air* I
tire of this, Doctor Jones.

Rand: "BLAST YOU ISHAMAEL!" *Leaps at ishamael, suddenly wielding a
flaming sword*

: Oh, and Rand has pulled a classic Castrate the badguy maneuver!

Ishamael: *Counters with a shield of Air* What's wrong, Al'Thor?
Have I got you upset? *lifts a extra from the crowd, lobbing him at
Rand*

: It looks like Ishie is using the typical bad guy tactic of using
unimportant stand ins as projectile weapons. Splendid double axle
thrown in there, I give it a 9.5

Rand: Dodges, falling into Parrot-mocks-parisians-accent, "DIE,
BA'ALZAMON!!!"

Ishamael: Steps aside and trips Rand, "Really now, is that any way
to speak to your superior?" Thwaps Rand upside the head with the
butt of his staff.

Rand: SHOULD HAVE KILLED THEM LONG AGO!!! *Jumps out of the ring*

Woah! It looks Like Rand has lapsed into Kinslayer fever! he seems
to be heading for one of our Audience Members!

Taim: What is wrong with you, Al'Thor!?!

Rand: "MUST KILL HIM! MUST KILL HIM NOW!!!"

Taim: Does this mean my disguise card has expired and you finally
figured out I'm Demandred?

Rand: Huh? You're demandred?

Taim: Sure, only an idiot would think I wasn't.

Rand: YOU BETRAYED ME!!!!

Taim: *Rolls eyes* DUUUUH!

Woah! look at this folks, it looks like Taim is getting the crap
beat out of him with Rand's bare fists! Maybe this could be some
sort of tactic to distract him...

And the tides have turned! Now Rand is getting the crap beat out of
him by Taim's following of Asha'Man! Seems they don't appreciate
their biggest fan being beaten up.

Awww.. Looks like Rand escaped the beating and is heading back
towards Ishie.

Ishamael: *yawns again, channeling a cow at Rand* This becomes
tiresome, Kinslayer.

: Woah! It looks like the Classic Dairy Air maneuver!

That's an evil pun, even for Ishie.

Rand: *gets hit square with the cow, the beast mooing in frustration
at having a lump under it. Rand then proceeds to channel it off,
wondering where Ishie got a cow from*

Ishamael: You do not know the Power of the Dark Side, Luke.

Rand: MY NAME IS RAND AL'THOR! YOU KILL MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE!!!

Tam: Uhm... Actually, I'm fine.

Rand: *Screams, Running at Ishy with his flaming sword while
channeling lightning at him*

Ishamael: *Gives Rand a flat look as he is struck by lightning* You
know.... that kind of stung a little.

Rand: *Strikes at Ishamael using the blade, cutting right through
where he last saw him, but only strikes thin air.

Ishamael: *Uses his staff as a hockey stick, slapping a puck
perfectly to collide with rand's head*

hehehe.. the disappearing Hat Trick...

Man, the puns are getting bad in here...

Rand: Screams, charging Ishamael as he foams at the mouth, "YOU
FLAMING FORSAKEN BASTARD!!!"

Ishie: Your Mother was a Hamster.

Rand: *Stops* WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?! *Loses control of the void, and
subsequently, Saidin*

Ishie: *SLAMS A SHIELD OVER RAND!*

OHOH!! THE FAMOUS PARISIAN TAUNT!

Rand: *Howls in anguish, lunging at Ishamael*

Ishie: *Kicks rand hard in a very tender spot*

Owch! Fighting Dirty, you can never beat it! And Rand being the good
guy, he didn't see that one coming!

I'm pretty sure he never saw ANY of this coming. Woolhead.

*Sweatdrops* You're starting to act like a woman now...

I AM NOT! *SNIFFS*

Rand: *Scrambles to the other side of the Ring, channeling and
tossing Min at ishamael as a projectile*

Well lookee there, he's found a use for his fiancee's in the whole
scheme of things!

Rand: *I must be hard, I must be tough, I am the Dragon Reborn, I
CANNOT LOSE! I MUST USE PEOPLE!!! YES! USE PEOPLE AS AMMO, AND
AFTERWARDS DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND TURN YOURSELF AROUND!

Uhm.. he.. seems to be... doing the.. Hokey.. pokey...

Min: *Gets up and dusts herself off, looking at the handsome man she
fell on* Urr.. Hey.

Ishamael: You shall all be remade in the Dark One's Image!! However,
you don't look half bad. Hopefully the Great Lord Looks a little
like you.

Min: urr.. Gee... Thanx.

Rand: *SCREAMS, Rushing at Ishie!* Don't touch my girlfriend!

Ishamael: You mean like this? *Touches Min on the shoulder*

Rand: STOP IT! STOP IT! I SAID DON'T TOUCH MY GIRLFRIEND! *Stomps a
foot*

Ishamael: Oh really?? *Fondle Fondle's Min*

Rand: "MOOOOOOM!!!!"

Kary: *Jumps into the Ring, carrying a HUGE Spatula* ARE YOU HURTING
MY LITTLE BABY BOY!

Ishamael: !@%(*@#

Ohoh! Now Ishie's on the run! Look at that Forsaken go around the
ring!

He must've been practicing his long distance running...

Ishamael: "BLAST YOU AL'THOR! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

*Balefire begins blazing through the Arena, the Pattern warping and
reshaping itself as Ishamael goes completely wacko*

Rand: "THE LIGHT BLIND YOU!!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, DESTROY THE
UNIVERSE AND SEND US INTO A DREADFUL LIMBO LIKE JEOPARDY!?!"
*Tackles Ishamael from Behind*

Ishamael: Struggles with Rand, then Realizes he's not moving.

Wow...

Killed by Ishie's "SAVE THE DARKONE: KILL THE DRAGON REBORN"
fan-pin.... what a way to go.

Aginor: heh. not every day you see a guy killed by a piece of
flare....

Balthamel: Well, I guess the dark one is stuck until the next
turning of the wheel.

Aginor: That's all for tonight folks, I'm Aginor The Forsaken...

Balthamel: *Laughs sexilly* And I'm Halima... 1-800-4AGOODTIME.

Aginor: *Blinks* You really need help.... them hormones are getting
to you.

Balthamel: *SNIFFS, tugging on her braid and glaring at Aginor*

Aginor: This has been Celebrity Deathmatch... Aviento!
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        Any comments are welcome, Hope you enjoyed it.  ^_^


--
Sincerely....
Shimitsu Kaori.
Lost "Dragon-Gal"
of Shimitsu-Ryuu.
Princess of Chaos.
"What makes a curse is simply the view, a blessing to some is a
curse unto you, But
acceptance can conquer that fear you hold high, through acceptance
comes peace.....
are you willing to try?"
   -Quote from Kaori Shimitsu.
My Homepage at!
http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/Shimitsu/chaos.htm
The FRAGILE CLAY WEBRING is at
http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/Shimitsu/ring.htm
ICQ UIN: 28514115
Want to Join the Fragile Clay Fan Club???
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