Everything is IMO only. Take what you want and ignore
the rest.
My comments ##



Moonlight on Your Skin:
Theme and Variations
By Leloi

Ranma easily scaled the wall outside of Akane�s room. 
It bothered him that
Ryoga was inside, sleeping next to Akane.  �I�m not
going to lose out to
that pig.�  He mumbled as he carefully made his way
through her open
window.
##Coding is putting odd control characters in place of
['] and ["] marks. Makes 
C&C difficult on saved document from HTML.
"Mumbled" seems a little odd. IMO "thought" reads
better but that's MO.


The moonlight from outside fell through the light
curtains and covered her
with a blue glow.  For a moment Ranma was breathless. 
He lighted softly
beside her desk and made no more noise than a passing
shadow.
##Nice imagry.

He focused his fighter instincts to find his target. 
##This reads oddly. Almost like a tongue twister.

 Where was the
piglet?  He was startled when Akane shifted in her
sleep.  He crouched
lower and willed himself into the shadows.  Akane
kicked off the blankets
to reveal herself in a faded nightgown.
##Why "faded"? In manga/anime Akane is normally
dressed well. Nary a sign of
a "faded" nightgown.

  She moaned softly.

Ranma caught a soft, scraping noise.  It got a little
louder so he could
pinpoint it coming from the closet.

�Not now, P-chan�� Akane called out suddenly to the
scraping noise.

There was a little squeal from the closet to answer
her.

Ranma was confused.  Akane was awake, but pretending
to be asleep and Ryoga
was locked in the closet� but why?  He watched Akane
with interest for some
answer.

Akane reached down and slowly ran her hands up her
body, bringing her
nightgown up with them.  She sat up and pulled the
nightgown off, over her
head.  She tossed the nightgown on the floor, not too
far from Ranma�s
hiding place.  She lay back down on her back and ran
her hands back down
her body.

�She�s naked.� Ranma thought as the curtain stirred
with a breeze.  The
moonlight reflected off of Akane�s skin and it made
her glow.
##Ranma's "focused . . . fighter instincts" at work.
^_^

One of Akane�s hands idly touched her breasts as the
other explored down
her body.  She opened her legs and� Ranma�s manhood
responded with a
twitch.  He couldn�t believe that he was sitting in
the dark, watching her
pleasure herself.
##Neither can I. ^)^

  He watched her knead her breast.  The other hand
was�
Ranma wasn�t sure.  He never really explored his own
female body.  He
always thought of it as infidelity to Akane.
##He's a sixteen year old boy who turns into a girl
and he's _never_????
OTOH he's sitting in the dark watching Akane . . . .
Hmmmm. IMO you need Rod Serling at the beginning to
explain that this is
a little tour through the Twilight Zone. ^_~
  Slowly he reached down into
his pants and touched his penis.  It hardened at his
touch.  He pulled his
hand away and angrily thought, �I can�t do this here
in her room.�
##{First I need to get Kasumi and a can of Cheese
Whiz.} ^_^ 
##Errrrrrrp!!! Now this is quick. IMO this needs a LOT
of build up.
I am not wedded to canon but I do believe that
something as OOC needs careful
explanation in the story. 

He watched in fascination as Akane reached under the
bed and pulled out
something long and thin.  She opened her legs and
guided it into herself
with both hands.  There was an audible click and a low
hum.  Ranma watched
her hips pump franticly at whatever was in her hand. 
She moaned and closed
her eyes.  �This is my chance to escape.� Ranma
thought, knowing his own
throes of ecstasy made him lose contact with the world
around him.  He
leapt for the window and pulled himself outside as he
heard Akane moan in
lust.  She mumbled something.  He focused his hearing
on her muffled gasps
as he peeked into her window.
##Hmmmm. Not lemon but soft-porn. And while there's
nothing wrong with 
erotica this is too much of a
Slam-Bang-Thank-You-Akane-chan. There's no build up,
no explanation, no fore-play. 

Akane�s pelvis strained upwards as she cried out, �Oh�
Ranma!�

Ranma lost all feeling in his body as a shiver ran up
his spine.  He lost
his grip on the wall.  He fell into the fishpond with
a loud splash.
## "lost all feeling", "He lost", "He fell". Too
repetitive.  

He could feel his body change into her.
##Very odd reading. At first I thought Ranma was
changing into Akane.

 His breasts grew and his penis
disappeared� But the ache in her groin didn�t
dissipate as it normally did
when he became her. 
##This "he became her" is IMO VERY awkward. Also the
transformation scene
is . . .odd. 
 She suddenly became very aware of the cold water on
her hot flesh. 
##Nice. 
 �She called out my name� MY NAME!�  She repeated over
and
over in her head as her body slowly rose to the
surface of the pond. 
##Delete this. It interrupts the flow. It's implied
anyway. Don't over do things.

IMO better to have:
She suddenly became very aware of the cold water on
her hot flesh. The bubbles were delicious on her skin
so she kicked off her pants shirt.  She
laughed underwater and the bubbles caressed her. 

##Or something similar. Although I'm not sure where
the bubbles are coming from at first It's
nice imagery. 

 The
bubbles were delicious on her skin so she kicked off
her pants and
struggled out of her muscle shirt.  She laughed
underwater and the bubbles
caressed her.  She slipped her hands under the
waistband of her boxers and
slid out of them.  Finally she allowed herself air at
the surface of the
pond.  She pulled herself out and sat on the rough
rocks surrounding the
water.  �I can feel them� They scratch my bare skin.� 
She could feel her
sex gently brush against the rough rock.  The contact
made her feel
hotter.
## "I can feel" and "She could feel" . . .too many
feelings in a row. Try something else. 
Delete "The contact made her feel hotter."  Very
jarring . . .disrupts the almost surreal _feeling_
of the previous part. IMO much better to stay with the
almost dream-like state Ranma seems to
be in.  In fact this is SUCH a nice scene I'd suggest
you re-write ALL that has gone before.
Delete all of the _hard_ parts such as the vibrator,
penis, etc. They aren't really very good and
detract from the exceptionally nice imagery of the
other parts.
Go for seduction . . .IMO you have Ranma a little
disoriented and vulnerable. (He's nude in the
back yard laughing at bubbles and thinking how nice
the rock feel on his 'hot' skin for goodness
sake. This is OOC but it CAN work. ) An old stand by
is hitting his head on the rocks in the pond.
Last time the thought he was all girl. ^_~.  Lose
P-chan and the vibrator. Have Akane asleep, not
faking.  She can caress herself in her sleep . .
.Ranma, shy, falls into the pond . . .hits his head on
the way down . . .and naturally takes off all his . .
.errrr . . .her clothes. {Hey . . .it could happen}
  She stood and examined the blue light of the moon on
her skin.
The cool air sent chills down her spine as she looked
up to Akane�s
window.  She was surprised to see a figure looking
down at her.  �Akane� Is
that you?�  She asked.



�Ranma� What the hell do you think you�re doing?� 
Akane asked, leaning out
of the window.  She had hastily thrown on her
nightgown and Ranma could see
in the pale light that the nightgown was on inside
out.
##One nightgown is enough. 

�I� I don�t know.  I fell in the pond.�
##And there were all these bubbles and I was soooooo
hot. 

�Get in here before someone sees you like that.�

Ranma looked up at the window and made a flying leap
for it.  She caught
the sill and pulled herself inside.
##Oh, come on. Ranma/Ranko can make that jump easily.
Of course she is disoriented, and
naked. If only she weren't so hot . . .
(sorry. This part is just a little bland) 

�I meant �in the house� not my room, you dolt.�  

##SURRRRRRE she did. ^_^
Akane said as she backed
away from the other girl.  �What are you doing naked
outside anyway?�

�I don�t know, Akane.�  Ranma said.  �I just had to
feel the moonlight on
my skin.�
##EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!OOC, OOC . . .REALLY, REALLY OOC.
But it's cute too. IMO to make THIS work you're going
to have to stress the dream-like quality
of the piece. 

�That�s crazy.�  
##Don't need "Akane said" also this is too bland.
Ranma is well beyond 'crazy' with this
statement and doing warp nine toward 'La-La Land'. 
Perhaps:

"Are you _CRAZY!_" Akane hissed. Shaking her head at
her fiances stupidity she tossed _her_ a
robe. "Here, you don't need pneumonia on top of
insanity."

Again, IMO, have Akane asleep at the beginning. It
works better if she doesn't know what SHE
did that affected Ranma so much. 

Akane said.  �Here� Don�t catch cold.�  She tossed her
robe at Ranma.

Ranma wrapped herself in Akane�s robe� smelling
Akane�s scent on it.  It
was almost like being wrapped up in Akane.
##Nice imagery. But, again, you need to explain why
Ranma is suddenly so touchy-feelie.
Normally Ranma has all the sensitivity of a brick . .
.a really, really thick brick. One of those old,
multicoloured bricks that's been sitting in a pile for
years getting soft and pitted from the elements
and . . .well, you get the idea. He needs to hit his
head, or be affected by the reversal jewel or
something. (Now that's an idea. If you could somehow
get the jewel or one of the passion pills to
affect him . . .) I don't know from manga/anime if
Ranko had ever been under the full moon.
Perhaps this could be part of the original curse???
Ranko become more feminine under the full
moon?
  �Akane� Have you ever��

�What Ranma?�

�Been naked in the moonlight?�

�What are you talking about?  Why would I do a thing
like that?�

�I don�t know�� Ranma shrugged.  �Have you ever��

�What?�

�How does a girl� I mean� I�m part girl now and I�m
not sure how� I mean�
It�s not like being a guy� Where does a girl touch to
feel�?  I guess I
don�t know what I�m asking.�  Ranma said as she stood
and looked out the
window.

##This is too realistic. IMO destroys the mood. And it
was going so well. Strange, but nice. 

�Ranma, you were at my window a few minutes ago,
weren�t you?�

Ranma shied away from her and looked away.  �I don�t
know�� She mumbled.

�I heard a loud splash and that was you falling from
my window, wasn�t it?�

Over and over Ranma�s brain repeated, �You called out
my name� my name.�
She looked at Akane for a long time.  �Will you teach
me how to pleasure
myself as a woman?�
##Oh dear. This isn't any fun at all. They've never
even kissed (not really), Ranma has to think
Akane is dead to tell her he loves her and now . .
.this?!

�You pervert!�  She said, raising her hand to ready a
strike.

## "Pervert!!!" She shrieked, mashing Ranma into
something resembling a furry guava jelly. The
bloody whimper mess on the floor reminded her of a new
recipe she wanted to try and she rushed
down to the kitchen. 

     "My Ranma, you certainly are in a fix." Nabiki
lounged in the doorway, headphones
dangling from her finger. "So you want to know how a
woman pleasures her self . . ."

     Ranma gulped as a sudden breeze pressed the filmy
material of Nabiki's nightgown against
her body, outlining her dusky nipples and the secret
feminine place between her legs.

     "Come with me----" Gently Nabiki guided down the
hall.

******************

     "Harder . . .faster . . .faster . . ." Nabiki's
voice was harsh and strained.

     "I can't . . .can't . . ." Ranko was almost
sobbing from exhaustion. 

     There was the meaty sound of flesh on flesh.
"Don't tell me you _can't_. Now Try it
again."

     "I . . .I . . .want _everything_. And CHARGE
IT!!!"

     "There . . ."Nabiki's voice was full of
satisfaction. "Now THAT'S how you pleasure a
woman."

{sorry . . .I don't know WHAT came over me. } ^_^

�No Akane!  Please, I really want to know.�

�You watched me, didn�t you?�

�I�m sorry� I didn�t know what you were doing.�
##???

�Why were you even there?�

�I� I don�t know.�

�You don�t know?�

�I don�t� Please, Akane.  You are the only one I��

�What?  The only one you what?�

Ranma pouted.  �Nothing.�  She said.  She dropped the
robe and it landed at
her feet.  She looked up at Akane and made a gesture
of supplication with
her palms up.  Slowly she turned and jumped up onto
the sill of Akane�s
window.
##???This is really strange. Ranma is watching Akane .
. .errrr . . .pleasure herself. Falls out the
window . . .is overcome with a sudden clothing allergy
AND he's asking for _HOW-TO_ advice
from a girl who has a tendency to pound people for
_merely_ seeing her naked?

�Ranma� Wait.�  Akane said.

Ranma looked back at her with deep sadness.

�I do like to feel the moonlight on my skin.�
##Cute.

Ranma smiled at her as she slipped over the sill.
##Which direction??? ^_^

*               *               *

�Will you teach me Akane?�

Akane stared at the woman in front of her.  She looked
so hopeful.  Akane
felt sorry for her because she was lost in the female
body, not knowing
what to do with it.  �Alright, I�ll teach you.  Lay on
my bed.�  She said.
##EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
"Alright. I'll teach you." ??? 

{"And afterwards we'll go get some milk and cookies."}

This is pretty casual for a girl who used tape in a
kissing scene. (Ranma and Juliet)

This need just a _little_ build up. ^_^


Ranma lay down and felt a little uncomfortable.  She
didn�t have a problem
with her feminine modesty� 
##Or any other kind, apparently. 

Just where did she put her hands?  They fidgeted
at her side, opening and closing.
##Cute, and believable.

Akane lounged and paused to stare at the naked woman
beside her.  �You are
nervous, aren�t you?�
##Lounged??? Woman??? (they're sixteen . . .maybe
seventeen.)

�No!�  Ranma said as her voice cracked.
## "N . . no." Ranma squeaked.  IMO it's better to
keep it short. 

�Think of it as a martial arts technique to master.�

�I always do.  Conquering myself is my toughest
challenge.�
##OK . . .Ranma has been replaced by pod people. ^)^
Again, if Ranma's suddenly going to be introspective,
naked and looking for 
advice on the care and maintenance of his female body
it needs a lot of explanation. 

Akane made a face and let the comment slide.  �Let�s
start with the basics�
Do you even know what the female anatomy is like down
there?�

##

Ranma made a face and said, �No.�

Akane made Ranma lean back and open her legs.  She
took Ranma�s hand and
guided it down to her labia.  �Labia.�  She said
softly.  �Inside is��
Akane began as Ranma opened her legs wider and pushed
her fingers inside.
�Your clitoris.�

##       But don't use the chestnut fis . . .
    
     Owwwwie. NOW you tell me.


�Where�s my clitoris?�  Ranma asked.

�Feel around for a fleshy, lumpy thing that feels good
to touch.�
##Now this is romantic. :(

Ranma made a face in concentration.  Finally she found
what Akane was
describing and threw her head back and moaned.

�Farther down is your vagina�� Akane began as Ranma
pushed her fingers
down.

�Is it this hole?�  Ranma asked.
##ewwwwww. For some reason this reminded me of the
time I had to take fecal samples from
swine. I missed. 

�Good boy�� Akane said.
##Boy? ^_^

Ranma made a face.  �What can I do with it?�
##??? {Oh boy, I see a spamfic in here somplace}
<SNIP some incredibly dull and graphic sexual detail> 

Suddenly there was loud splash outside of Akane�s
window.  She opened her
eyes to find herself alone with P-chan scraping at the
door of the closet.
Her fantasy began to fade as she tossed on her
nightgown and looked
outside.  Everything came flooding back as she saw
Ranma pull herself naked
out of the pond and stand, staring at the moonlight on
her skin.

##EEEEP. Not a DREAM sequence. :(
If it's a dream then the part I snipped is definitely
too long
*                 *                 *

Ranma sat in the darkness watching Akane pleasure
herself.  Slowly he
reached down into his own pants and touched his shaft.
 It responded to his
touch.  �I can�t do this in her room.�  He thought
idly� But his desire was
too great.  He watched her, as she lay oblivious to
his presence.  How he
wished he could hold her tenderly.  But she made it
hard on him.
##^_! PUN alert. 
  How could
she make it so hard for him to tender with her?
##That's twice.  And how, exactly, is AKANE making it
hard? <Pun sort of intended>

  Was he really that bad of
a person that he didn�t deserve to be tender?  A
slight sob escaped him.
##???I like it better when he was taking off his
clothes and laughing at the bubbles. At least I
could assume Ranma had hit his head.

Akane heard the sob and stopped what she was doing to
lie quietly.
�P-chan?  Is that you?�  She called out to the
darkness.

##Bweeee?

�No�� The darkness said.

## "I wasn't asking you." Akane snapped. She hated it
when the darkness got uppity. 
("The darkness said" sounds a bit strange)

�Ranma?  What are you doing in here, you pervert?� 
She sat up in bed and
quickly became aware of her nakedness.  �Have you come
to look at me?�

�No�� Ranma said.

Akane followed his voice to see him sitting beside her
desk with her
nightgown at his feet.  �Throw me my nightgown so I
may get up and kill
you.�
##Errrr. Akane generally just pounds him. This is much
too polite.

Ranma looked at her as if he was going to cry.

�What�s wrong with you?�  Akane demanded.

Ranma stood and tossed Akane�s nightgown at her.  �I�m
sorry.�  He said as
his voice broke.  He vaulted up to the windowsill. 
�I�ll go now.�

�Wait� Ranma.� Akane called out after him.

He looked back at her.

�Are you crying?�

Ranma suppressed a sob.  �No��
##IMO you don't need "Ranma suppressed a sob."
You've pretty much set this up already.

�What�s wrong?�  She asked with a touch of tenderness
in her voice.
##She asked as she tenderly pealed him off the floor.
^_^
Again this is awfully OOC. Needs more set up.
Especially concerning her past reactions when
Ranma really WASN'T being a pervert. Unless you're
postulating that Akane was so angry
because Ranma was NOT a pervert. Hmmm. Now that has
possibilities. 

�With the moonlight on your skin, you look so�� Ranma
sat down on the
sill.  �I don�t know� I guess I wish that I could be
made of moonlight.�
He gave her a pained look and prepared to jump out of
her window and into
the fishpond below.
##Leave out the "  �I don�t know� I guess" Breaks the
flow, IMO.
And why is he jumping INTO the pond?

Something glimmered in Akane�s eyes.  �Why do you wish
that?�

Ranma crouched on the sill.  �So that I may touch you
without fear of your
wrath.�  He said quietly.
##The Wrath of A-Kahn-e.
Errrrrr . . .IMO Ranma has never been afraid of Akane.
Peeved, aggravated, upset perhaps. 

�You fear me?�

�Not you� your wrath.�

�What would you do if I curbed my wrath?� Akane asked.

Ranma hopped down from the sill and onto her bed
beside her.  �I�d come to
you willingly.�
##This isn't Ranma 1/2. This is a pretty . . . .errrr
. . .cheesy soap opera. Not that it can't work. It
just doesn't quite work as written. 

�You aren�t willing now?�

�I�m afraid of getting hurt in a place I could never
heal.�

�Where is that?�

Ranma reached for her hand and placed it on his chest.
 His heart raced
like a rabbit under her touch.  �Here.�  He said.
##delete "He said." Unnecessary. 
Cute. Needs better set up.

�Oh� Ranma.�  She said.

�Even with your wrath� I can�t stop it.�

�What?�

�Wanting you.�  He said quietly as he gently touched
her cheek.  He leaned
forward and pressed his lips against hers.  She moaned
softly and pressed
her body against his.  He could feel his desire for
her return.  He pulled
away from her to look in her eyes.  �My Akane�� He
whispered as he wrapped
his arms around her.  He liked the touch of her skin
on his.  She nuzzled
into his neck and her breath sent shivers down his
spine.  She kissed his
chin and his lips as he removed his muscle shirt and
pants.  She tugged at
his boxers and he let her remove them.  He lay beside
her and drank in the
site of her.  He held her and gently pushed her hips
away from his.  �Not
yet� I�m not ready for that yet.�  He whispered. 
�Just hold me� As if I
were moonlight on your skin.�
##A little too wordy. I like the "Moonlight on your
skin" bit. 
Nice idea.

*              *              *

Ranma stood gazing up at her window.  He had wanted to
track down Ryoga in
the piglet form� But suddenly his heart wasn�t in it. 
He made his way up
the wall and peeked into her window.  She and the
piglet were fast asleep.
The moonlight settled on her face and made her glow
with its light.  A
million scenarios played out in Ranma�s head� Some
played over with subtle
changes� Some contradicted the previous� Then he
chased them all away.  In
her sleep Akane shifted and moaned, �Oh� Ranma.�

##Dream with-in a dream???
OK, That could work. Delete the more graphic sex. 
IMO still needs more set up as the reader does not
KNOW it's a dream.
I still like the opening sequences . . .very strange
in a nice way. The graphic sex was rather dull
and clinical. Also slow the pace of the story.

Ranma smiled at her.


##Overall . . .needs a lot of work. There are some
VERY, VERY NICE spots. At times you show
some real genius in your descriptive passages. If you
want the dream-within-a-dream to work you
need to do a lot of editing. Get rid of ALL the
graphic sex. Keep it soft and erotic. It's too fast
and direct. Fumbling and shy would work better. Or
perhaps with Akane gently aggressive with a
shy Ranma.
(Avoid vibrator, penis, clitoris and anything else
that is clinical or direct)
Again, there are some exceptionally nice parts in this
story.  The more graphic parts disrupt the
flow.

I think this story has a lot of potential. Try again
with a softer touch.




=====

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