Well, I was going to wait until I had offered something for criticism before 
I began offering criticism myself, but something about this story produced an 
immediate reaction.  I apologize in advance for my brass-plated effrontery.  

I also apologize if I failed to format this properly.  AOL doesn't seem to 
allow much flexibility on that point.  But I'm an AOL clueless newbie, too.  
:)

 
 Akane pulled a pail of water out of hammerspace and
 threw it at Ranma. 

I thought hammerspace was full of hammers.  :)  But then again, I'm 
relatively new to the Ranmaverse.

 "I�m serious."  Ranma-chan said quietly.  "It�s cold
 and I am all wet." 
 
 The panda sat up and tossed his son a teakettle.  "Be
 a man."  The sign read. 

In light of what happens later, this statement could have a couple of 
meanings.  A subtle, perhaps too subtle, bit of foreshadowing.
  

 Then the cold
 water came.  Ranma shivered.  He scooted closer to the
 flames.  "Can�t I sleep next to you?"  He asked the
 panda. 
 
 "No!"  The panda hit him over the head with the sign
 and tossed it on the flames, bringing the fire back to
 life.  Ranma jumped back to avoid being singed by the
 fire.  As the flames died back down, he scooted closer
 to heat. 
 
 "I can die from cold exposure, you know."  He informed
 the camp.  He hugged his legs and rested his chin on
 his knees and began to shiver. 

I suppose I found Genma's indifference here to be a little shocking.  In my 
admittedly limited experience with the Ranma series, Genma has been 
indifferent to Ranma's training injuries, but never to his illnesses.  I 
could be wrong, though.

 Akane rolled over and looked at the freezing Ranma. 
 He visibly shivered despite the heat from the fire.  A
 cold wind blew across his back and ruffled his hair. 
 He closed his eyes to it and held his legs tighter. 
 "What happens if you don�t get warm?" 

Ah, here is the question that provoked this response.  What does Akane 
*think* would happen?  I can accept indifference to Ranma's suffering in the 
heat of jealousy, but Akane would know the answer to this question already, 
and be doing something about it, I would think.

 "I get hypothermia and die."  Ranma said blankly. 

Naturally.

 "Why won�t the panda help you?  You�re his son." 

In my opinion, I think referring to Genma as 'the panda' so often dehumanizes 
him too much.  Genma's a lousy father, not a monster.

 The panda held up a sign.  "My fur insulates me so no
 body heat escapes to heat him."  He tossed it on the
 fire as his son stayed where he was... allowing the
 flames to touch him. 

Then why did Ranma bother to ask to sleep next to him?  He must've known that 
already.  However, we do know why Genma refused.  :)

 Akane watched in horror when Ranma didn�t even flinch
 at the flames.  "It�s because of me that he�ll
 freeze..." 

At last, some contrition.  :)  

 Ranma sat watching the dying flames.  "What a way to
 die."  He thought.  "Not even in battle.  Done in by
 cold exposure during a camping trip.  Stupid panda
 won�t even help me.  I can�t believe she hates me so
 much that she would let me freeze like this.  And she
 was the one to get me wet in the first place."  He
 shivered with another blast of wind.  It felt like it
 was trying to blow away everything he was.  His
 heat... His chi... Everything was exposed to the wind.
  "I�m just so cold...  So tired."  He dropped his head
 between his knees and his chest. 

Nicely timed.  Hypothermia would strike just this quickly.

 Akane waited in the dark.  

Funny, she seemed horrified before.  :)  What's she waiting for?

 She wondered if the cold
 would take over Ranma�s brain and make him crawl into
 bed with someone to keep warm.  Obviously not the
 panda... He has no body heat to share.  But she did. 
 "And it was my fault."  She thought.  "But he dreamt
 about being with me... About our wedding."  Akane
 watched Ranma as the fire reduced itself to dying
 embers.  "I was his wife?  He thinks of me enough in
 that way to make me his wife in a dream?"  She watched
 as Ranma shivered some more.  

She waited *this* long to help him?  I do apologize, but I find this 
difficult to believe.  

 Suddenly he stopped and
 collapsed on the ground in a fetal position.  He
 moaned softly and sprawled on the cold earth. 

I think anyone else would be rushing Ranma to an emergency room at this point.

 "She can�t even help me.  She won�t help me.  How can
 she leave me here to die?  How can they hate me so
 much not to help me when I truly need it?" 

That's what I'd like to know.  :)

 It took him a moment to turn his head to look at her. 
 Even when he did his eyes lacked the focus she was
 used to seeing from him.  "Did she just call my name?"
  He asked himself. 
 
 "Are you really cold?" 

Again, I find this question and the delay a bit too much to swallow.  Akane 
knows what hypothermia can do.
 

 
 She heard a whacking noise and turned to see the panda
 waving around a sign that read "You have to get naked
 to share body heat with a victim of hypothermia." 

Okay, after this point, Genma's plan becomes apparent, if it wasn't so 
already.  However, I think the pleasant (and funny!) comedy that follows 
fails to offset the dramatic tone set by the real danger of Ranma freezing to 
death.  I think if the circumstances were less dire, the comedic tone would 
be more effective.

Well, there's my first piece of C&C.  I hope it was helpful and pertinent.  
If it wasn't, well, everyone will get a chance to give me a well-deserved 
comeuppance when I finally have the guts to post my own work.  Until, next 
time, this is Radio Free America, signing off.


Yoali Ehecatl