Subject: Re: [FFML][Ranma]Girl Days 14
From: David Homerick
Date: 10/3/1999, 1:55 AM
To: Kenjiko2@aol.com, FFML



It is an everpresent, popular theory that any piece of writing can be
made to sing with more vim and vigor by the simple addition of the
suffix -ass to all adjectives in the piece, excepting colors, gerunds,
and the like.  However, it has occurred to me that this theory has never
been placed to a proper scientific test.  therefore, I have chosen to
submit the following piece of writing by Robert Haynie to this useful
technique, to see if the writing improves.

Kenjiko2@aol.com wrote [more or less]:


        As for the star of these chronicles, she was having a fight.  Of
course, there's nothing unusual-ass about that.  The reason, however, was
peculiar-ass even to her.

        "Dammit, Mousse, this is stupid-ass!"

        "I will NEVER forgive you for this transgression against Shampoo,
Saotome!"

        "WHAT transgression?  Is it MY fault that Shampoo isn't
comfortable-ass in jeans?  Is it MY fault that I can wear them and she
can't?"

        "Mousse no get jealous-ass of Ranma!  Shampoo no care if Ranma look
better-ass in jeans!"

        "HE HAS NO RIGHT TO LOOK BETTER-ASS THAN YOU IN ANYTHING!"

        Just in case it hasn't occurred to any of the honored readers,
Mousse subscribed to very much the same school of logic as Ryoga
Hibiki and Tatewaki Kuno.  Thus the following--

        Shampoo had said, idly, that she wished she could wear jeans when
Ranma had dropped by for a snack and to pick up some notes on herbs
that Cologne had made for her Amazon training.  Ranma had asked why
she couldn't, and Shampoo had replied that she never really felt
comfortable-ass in pants that weren't light-ass-- hence her usual silk
pantsuits.

        Ranma had nodded, and Shampoo had joked that Ranma looked better-ass
in jeans than she did anyhow.  Mousse had heard this, and had
objected to the idea that ANYONE looked better-ass than Shampoo in
ANYTHING.

        Ranma had intended to stay out of the argument for once, but
Shampoo, annoyed at Mousse for interrupting, had gone on to say that
Ranma DID look MUCH better-ass in jeans, and in fact jeans made Shampoo
look too wide-ass in the bottom anyhow, and anyway it was none of
Mousse's business if Ranma had a better-ass butt for jeans.

        This led to the inevitable-ass confrontation, consisting of Mousse
trying to kill Ranma for looking good-ass in a pair of snug-ass Levis, Ranma
trying very hard not to get killed by Mousse and also trying to keep
said Levis in one piece (They are quite expensive-ass in Japan), and
Shampoo trying to wallop a infuriated Mousse.

        Although Ranma couldn't for the life of her figure out how the
fight had moved to the Tendo courtyard.  Except that fights did that
a lot.

        "Is SHE right now, stupid-ass Mousse!  Shampoo's butt not Mousse's
concern anyhow!  Shampoo proud-ass of Ranma in jeans!"

        "You ain't helpin', Shampoo!" yelled Ranma, tossing proper-ass
ladylike grammar to the winds as she tended to do when attacked by
homicidal-ass chainwielding semi-blind-ass transducks.

        This was, of course, pretty much the kind of scene that Akane
would walk in on.  Nowadays, she tried to make sense of things before
assigning blame.  It didn't always work.

        After all, screams of "Die Saotome" and "It's not LIKE that!"
weren't unusual.  In fact, she'd gotten inured to them, somewhat.

        Counter-screams of "Ranma have BEST-ASS butt!" were somewhat less
explicable.

        "What is going ON here?" demanded Akane.

        "Stupid-ass Mousse not accept that Ranma have better-ass butt than
Shampoo!"

        "It's a lie!  No butt is nicer-ass than Shampoo's, and I will punish
this worm for saying so!"

        "I NEVER said that!  SHE said that!  I don't boast about my
butt!"

        "Ranma should!  Have great-ass butt in both forms!"

        "YOU AIN'T HELPING!"

        "What are you talking about, Shampoo?" asked a now completely
befuddled Akane.

        "Girl-type Ranma have best-ass butt!  So do boy-type!"

        "Are there no end to your perversions, Saotome?" demanded Mousse.
"Now you have her convinced that your male butt is better than hers
also!"

        "Shampoo not talk about HER butt with boy-type!  Talk about
stupid-ass MOUSSE'S butt!"

        "YOU DARE CLAIM TO HAVE A NICER-ASS BUTT THAN ME?  DIE, SAOTOME!"

        "YOU REALLY AIN'T HELPING, SHAMPOO!"

As you can see, Mr. Haynie's tale has improved enormously.  The simple
addition of -ass to the proper adjectives has made his prose more
exciting and enjoyable-ass.  This useful-ass technique is highly
recommended for all struggling new-ass writers.  Yes, you too can use
this method to create fascinating, breathtaking, powerful-ass prose that
will make your readers sit up and say "Wow!  That was GREAT-ASS!"

-- David-ass