Gary Kleppe wrote:

Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:

Shampoo spat her contempt at the notion of being
outnumbered. "Bah, Pervert Girl run away if she want. Airen

There's probably no need for the explanation. The line of dialog itself
makes it pretty clear what she thinks. Maybe something about her tone of
voice instead would be better -- something a little less explanatory and
more part of the story.

Nods. I'll see what I can do, maybe just: 'Shampoo spat her contempt.
"Bah..."'

"Hey!" Akane angrily protested, steaming at having her
abilities disparaged. "I'm better than that!"

Same here. What she says tells us why she's teed off. (Sorry, but we
were having a big discussion about narration that spells out the obvious
on FFIRC last night relative to another fic.)

NP, I remove it as well: 'Akane angrily protested. "I'm..."'

The bright yellow beam of Ranma's confidence blast slammed
into the massed horde below them; its violent fury matched

them, its

Nods. Now, I had a question about this and I'm not too clear about it
myself. Ryoga's'Shishi Hokodan' is blue right? and Ranma's 'Moko Takabisha'
is yellow right?

Shampoo alighted first, bonbori swinging in a deadly arc
to crush the head of a dazed boar-ogre. Kodachi dropped

>from the warehouse roof next, pointing her Spear of Fuma

straight down. The tentacled demon directly below only had
time to widen its sole bulbous eye in fear before the demon-
slaying weapon plunged into its soul, pinning the massive
body into the ground. The 106th Devil Hunter of the Kuno

Numbers usually read better if you write them out in full: One Hundred
and Sixth

Hmm, just seems a bit long to me - got too used to the subs. :)

Then he missed one. Hot agony seared his nerves as
Shukumaru's claws raked a bloody swath across his shoulder.
Fear shot through him as the pain brought back flashes of
hideous and unwelcome memories.

Two "X as Y" sentences in a row here.

Nods, I'll swap 'em round.

On an intrinsic level, it was virtually impossible for her
to accept that demons actually existed in modern-day Tokyo,
and that Ranma had been fathered by a Cat-Demon and birthed
by a human woman. Surely that kind of stuff only happened
in anime?

Nah, this is manga continuity.

Heh. Guess I shoulda expected that one... :)

Irrationally, she knew it was more than possible
what with all the insane things that kept happening to
Ranma, but her rational side insisted on throwing as doubt

Think a 'much' is missing before 'doubt'

Yup.

Kasumi set the last dinner plate onto the drying rack and
perked up as she heard Nabiki sigh. "Would like some more
tea?" she asked her sister.

"Why Kasumi talk like Shampoo? Make fun of Amazon? Shampoo KILL!"

Ack, missed that one too. Thanks.

"Oh my, are you sure you wouldn't prefer to marry me instead, Shampoo?"

Ooops, wrong continuity. Sorry, DB. :)

Shampoo smirked. "Great-grandmother give learning tapes
for demon combat. Maybe test them on Ranma, see if he
like." Her smile widened as she took in Akane's purpling
face. "So, Mercenary Girl keep this type of tapes," she
mused, casually dodging a charging bull-ogre. "Is good to
know."

Amusing discussion, but this might not be the right time for it. If you
can carry on a long discussion on which family member is the biggest
pervert during a demon attack, your attention's probably *not* where it
needs to be. :)

Hmm, consider this the humour break, I guess. I didn't think it was
appropriate eitherbut I wanted to lighten the mood a bit here to break up
the serious/dark bits with Ranma
and Shukumaru.

It was action without thought, pure and clear. Ranma's hand
whipped past all of Shukumaru's defences, slamming into her
like a shockwave and sending her flying back; but it wasn't
a killing blow. Only after he struck did he realize that he
hadn't meant it to kill. Then he was moving as well,
flinging himself back. An instant later, a huge, silvery-
metallic sickle slammed itself into the spot where both of
them had been standing moments before, throwing up gouts of
broken debris and clouds of metallic dust.

Suggest a paragraph break after 'meant to kill.' Sickle-thing slowing up
is significant enough to merit its own paragraph.

Nods.

"Heizen-To-no-Kamaitachi," Shukumaru hissed in disgust as
she recovered herself, recognizing the demon facing Ranma.
"You serve the Demon Lord of the South. Why have you chosen
to attack me?"

"I've defected to the Wicked Witch of the West!"

"Nyaah!" :)

"Isn't it clear?" Heizen-To reared up in amusement. "My
Lord wants you both dead, so he asked me to kill you. Then,
he'll take over the east and become the lord of two
quarters."

Sheesh, that's only about fifty yen. Nabiki could buy him out with
pocket change.

Heh.

Heizen's arrival here seems a bit abrupt, bordering on deus-ex-machina.
Maybe a little foreshadowing beforehand or something would make it less
so.

Hmm, I thought the Masakado part provided enough foreshadowing so I wanted
toavoid another foreshadowing scene. Maybe a short one somewhere.

The small, wrinkled servitor-demon appeared, along with two
kitsune-tsuki. The fox-demons held a struggling Nodoka
between them. "Ranma!" she called out. "Don't come after me!
It's a trap!"

This bit seems a little too compressed. Maybe he should actually try to
come after her before she says this.

Ranma lunged forward then halted as Shukumaru held a smoking claw before
hismother's face. He clenched his fists in hapless fury. - how about that
with some
added dialogue?

"Crazy Rose Girl not know what she talk about!" Shampoo
threw in. "Is obvious Shampoo is Airen's woman!"

I think 'Shampoo is Ranma's airen!' would sound better (less convoluted
than saying that she's husband's woman) but that's probably just me.

"Is obvious Shampoo is Ranma's woman." ?

"Wait--" Ranma called out hurriedly. Yet Umibouzu's head
continued to submerged without pause, sending a huge
upwelling of bubbles rushing to the surface. Then, they
burst and vanished as well, leaving no trace of the Devourer
of Ships.

"How the heck am I suppose to 'call on him'?" Ranma asked

Just dial 1-888-serpent! Operators are standing by!

Serpent Relief Office: Your nightmares granted. :)

Looking forward to the next chapter.

It's coming. Thanks for the assis.

Phil.

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html