XENOGEARS:  POWER, TRUTH AND LOVE

Misswriting the title is usually a bad idea.

by: Joshua Loomis (jeloomis@planetx.bloomu.edu)

-This fic is, obviously, based on the Square RPG
'Xenogears'.  It's no problem if you haven't played
it, but you'll certainly enjoy it more if you have.
-This fic refers to incidents that took place in
Amber Michelle's wonderful fic, "Shadows Falling."
Go here to read it. http://www.zenogias.com/fanfic.html

Didn't read it, never played the game, this should be interesting.
 
 

     Power.

<snip>

I pretty much felt that entire opening was wrong. Laying that aside,
most of it was unqualified and unclarified, which I don't like.

- JOURNAL ENTRY -
     I saw it again.  The Red Gear, in all its glory,
presiding over a reign of destruction in the desert.
It picked up a pirate ship and threw it at another Gear.
I must discover the secrets of this Gear, and acquire it.
I feel it is my destiny...

Oh boy. Here we go again.

<hack>

-  JOURNAL ENTRY -
     I FOUND IT.

That was interesting. Nicely showed a progression and reasonable
sucession of events. 

     Shrugging, Fei unleashed a kick for the chest

suggest: Mentally shruging: actually shrugging would not be a wise idea
in a fight.

     "Zohar?!?"
     The recognition hit him the same time the
metal rod did.

Don't you just hate it when you startling revelations are intrupted by a
blow to the head? Happens to me all the time.

     "Fei!!"
     Elly leapt back as Fei staggered.  She had
thought her attempted strike to his head would've
been easily blocked, but a vacant look had crossed
Fei's face the split-second before her rod had struck
him right in the cheek.  She covered her mouth
with her free hand as he hit the mat.

So they spar with real weapons. That's interesting.

     "Oh my God... Fei!"
     She rushed to his side and helped him sit
up.  He looked dazed, but all right.  She gently
kissed the tender spot on his cheek and he blinked
a couple times.
     "You okay?" she asked.
     "I think so..." he ventured, rubbing his
cheek.  "That was... really weird."
     "I'm sorry..." Elly began.
     "No, it's all right.  I was just distracted."
     "By what?"
     "I don't know exactly.  I just felt like
someone was calling my name... it was a voice I've
heard before, but not in a while... and I saw...
Zohar..."
     "Zohar?  But..."

Too many ellipses. Find another way to represent pauses and breaks,
overusing punctuation is just as bad as repeating one word again and
again.

     "I know, I know, it sounds nuts, but I know
that the very last thing I saw before you hit me
was Zohar.  It was the big monolithic thing with
the eye in the top of it..."
     "Fei, I believe you.  But why Zohar?  It's
been shut down for months now..."

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

     "Papa-san!"
     Fei and Elly looked up as Emeralda came
running in.  While she had matured in her ways
of communication, and no longer called Fei "Kim,"

I think you can loose the comma after Kim.

     Fei let Emeralda and Elly help him to his
feet.  As they did, there was a knock on the door.
They had moved into Taura's house after the old
sage had passed on, leaving the house to Fei and
Elly.  The note tacked on the door had said so,
which left Fei puzzled but happy.  The place
was roomy, even more so after Citan had moved
Taura's equipment out to examine back at his house.

Recommend change to passive tense. "Taura's equipment out to be
examined-"

     Standing there, under a darkening sky, was Citan.
His glasses were perched on the end of his nose,
slightly precociously, and his face was a picture
of worry.  Fei had never seen Doc lose his composure
like this...and it worried him, as well.
     "Doc?" Fei asked.  "What is it?  What's wrong?"

No toilet paper. For the last three weeks. 

     "Fei...someone has reactivated Zohar."

D'oh! Just as bad. 

     Thunder rolled, as if an ominous punctuation to
Citan's statement.  That's when Fei noticed what was
standing behind Doc.  It was Doc's Gear, Fenrir.
     Fenrir...an OmniGear...immobile after Zohar was

change ellipses to comma's

shut down months ago...supposedly unable to leave the
Yggdrasil...yet now standing outside his door...
     Elly would never forget the way the color drained
from Fei's face.

Ok. Nice set up, introduces the begining's of the conflict, blah blah
blah. Good first chapter. Far too many unnecessary ellipses though.
Remember, overusing an ellips is just like overusing anything else. Most
of those that don't actually show something being left out can be switch
for something else. 

Not bad. Though I think there's probably quite a bit I'm missing due to
missing knowledge of the original.

Miashara