----- Original Message ----- 
From: Jeffrey Vasquez <samashta@hotmail.com>

I have to say that the visuals in this story were very stunning!  The
language was superb and the plot was also intriguing.

Thanks!

First a question, and then some suggestions.

1.  It seemed fairly obvious that Beldandy was the nurse, or at least had
been to the School house before.  If so, how do you explain that she was a
child in the OAV?  This assumes that you're using the OAV as your basis.
I'd think that for an operative of Heaven to truly be useful in various time
periods, the Almighty would have them "Upgraded" much like he would a
computer.

Actually, none of the above...  Bell has _never_ been to this school house...  but she seems to have a sense about it.  

2.  As far as the plot goes, it's really too early to judge, but I would
suggesst some more commentary from Bell-chan.  Have her point out stuff
like:  "That's where Joan rallied her troops in defense of. . . .", or "And
this is where St. So and So offered his first prayer."

Things that only a Goddess could know, that would both astound and amaze
Keiichi.

She doesn't need to amaze Keiichi that way.  She seems to be just content to be herself.  And I don't think Keiichi minds that much... ^_^
 

3.  The banter between Urd and Skuld was handled well.  Their
characterizations seemed to fit the two to a "T".  I like the fact that
you're writing from Keiichi's POV, but I would also like you to get "out of
his head" and into someone else's.  Belldandy's thoughts would be very
intriuging to "hear", especially if this part of France was an old stomping
ground.

Hmm...  I might try that...

4.  Unless you're deliberately keeping the objects and artifacts a secret,
let your reader's in on it.  I can understand keeping the identities from
Keiichi, but I would have liked to have had a better visual of what the
mystery was.  It makes it more personal.

It'll be coming...  the story is already plotted out.  I just have lots of trouble fleshing out the prose...  (my outline is sort of dry... 

WWI field hospital, scene with X and Y

Switch to future

Scene with old Y and Bell

...  and so forth)

The story elements are supposed to gradually unravel...

These are all semantics, based entirely on writing style but for me I would
have liked to have understood more of the emotion behind the
characterization.  I feel that the style you're using is good for a oneshot/
shortfic, but will be very difficult to maintain a reader's intrest in a
longer story.  For what it's worth, I would really like to see more of this.
It's a good start.

Thanks!  I'll try to keep the interest flowing then...

James