First of all, though... You really need to put at LEAST
a [Lime] tag on this, although the scene at the end (a
continuation of the first?) pushes it over into the [Lemon]
category, IMO. That isn't a bad thing, but you need to put
the tags on there so people who don't want to deal with it will
know - and contrariwise, so people who are looking for that
sort of fic can find it! ;)
Well, I've changed the title to read:
Ranma 1/2 - Aijin [Lime Short
Story]
Better?
I still don't class it as a lemon, as there are no actual descriptions and
whatnot, like my in my lemon series.
Also, you should put a [Ranma] tag on here as well. I
don't usually pay too much attention to my 'slush pile', the
folder where un-tagged or mis-tagged mail is automatically
sent. I stumbled across this by chance (actually, I stumbled
Actually, I've found it annoying that people tend to DELETE fics due to
the tags. If they see [Lemon] some people automatically disqualify it as
crap. If they see [Ranma] they think 'Oh, no, not another one!' and delete
it. This is why I don't put tags on my work, at least until it's
"finished"...
across a C&C of it first :). You should put the title in the
subject line as well... ;)
Alright already. ^_~
Am I harping? Good. ;)
Heh...
(This is a LATE reply... but the first chance I've actually had to even
think about editing my 'fic...)
Anyway, on with the fic...
She knelt on the pristine white futon, sized for two. The
pillows lay at
the head, the blanket half pushed down... The tsunokakushi, her head
While this is done well (explaining the Japanese term),
I think it'd be better to just leave the Japanese word out
completely. The only reason I could see to include this would
be if it had some special significance - for example, you used
the word throughout the fic. Otherwise, it's just a bit confusing.
Well, actuall it is a special thing, the tsunokakushi. It's not something
a girl wears every day... so, how about this line to make it clearer?
"The tsunokakushi, her bridal head covering, lay off to the side on a pile
of white and red hued silks..."
Other words are probably ok, but relative unknowns like this...
Of course, I'm basing this on my own experience. I
know what an obi is, and tabi, and a few others, but that's because
I've seen them so many times in fics (or RL, in one case) that I've
learned what they mean. But I don't by any means speak Japanese (I
need to rectify that one of these days... ;), and it breaks the flow
when I run across a word I don't understand.
Well.... it's a bit had to rename some things, like what else could you
call specific Japanese clothing and stuff? Oh, well...
Just my two cents. ;)
Hm... Australia doesn't have 2c and more... nor 1c...
<snip>
He reached up and grasped her small hand. As he lowered her
fingers from his lips, the couple's lips touched... their kiss
was soft and tender. So gentle and tender was the kiss that it
felt like the touch of a butterfly's wings. Moving ever so
slightly, her head tilted and their lips parted... their tongues
touched as their kiss deepened.
Nice descriptions. ;)
Thank you. ^_^
<snip>
With a gasp, he held on to his nose, his eyes wide at the
sight of the beautiful woman before him. She was petite, but
her figure was wonderful. Her breasts were full, tipped with
pink, hardened nipples. Her waist was slender, widening out
to her hips... down to long, sexy legs. She was only clad in
her tabi socks.
This right here starts the section that makes the fic
deserving of a [Lime] tag, IMO.
Okay, okay... for the prudes in the audience (not you, as I guess you read
the stuff - I mean the ones who will avoid reading it because of one
little word!), I have put the word 'lime' in the title!! ^_~
<snip>
But he'd given up on Akane a long time ago, at their first attempted
marriage. Ranma would look after her, he'd care for her. If
'their first attempted marriage'? Did I miss something? It is
Ryouga thinking here, right?
I wasn't aware that Ryouga and Akane were ever married, or even
engaged.
Oops. Thanks for picking that up!! ^_^
Is this better?
But he'd given up on Akane a long time ago, at Ranma and Akane's first
attempted marriage. Ranma would look after her, he'd care for her. If he
didn't... well, Ryouga would see to it that he'd learn never to neglect
Akane again.
well, Ryouga would see to it that he'd learn never to neglect
Akane again.
Heh. That's Ryouga, all right. ;) Obsessive to the max.
*grin* Exactly.
<snip>
She sipped on a soft drink, and gazed across the almost empty
park. There were only a few people around, mostly those who worked
at the park. It was a quiet, humid summer's day.
I don't think the apostrophe on 'summer' is necessary.
I could be wrong, though - I'm best with spelling, not grammar. ;)
Problem solved:
It was a quiet, humid summer day.
^_^
Ryouga searched his backpack, and pulled out a handful of 100
en coins.
I'm aware of the note at the end, but it still looks
like a typo. 'Yen' is the commonly accepted term (and indeed, the
only one I've ever heard of before now), and you should probably
use it instead.
That way we all know what you're talking about, no confusion.
Then again, it's fairly obvious what you mean... but I
still think it looks like a typo. ;)
It looks like one ... but if they read the comment at the end, then
hopefully it'll TEACH people something! ^_~
"D- do- do," he stuttered, his face flushing slightly, "Do
you want to
Yes you are, Ryouga. A dodo, I mean. Oh, I'm sorry, you were
trying to say something else! ;)
*laugh*
<snip>
It was beautiful. They rose up slowly, a stunning vista
spreading out below them. Oosaka Bay stretched out, the
blue waves lapping at the
Should that be 'Osaka' instead?
Depends on how you romanise things.
I do the 'ou' thingy (ie. Souun), therefor it's 'Oosaka'. If I used the
romaji system that Viz uses (just 'o' - ie. Soun), then it WOULD be
'Osaka'.
<snip>
Steam rose from behind the building ... the edge of a pool
of steaming water peeked out behind the inn...
The two smiled at each other, and continued up the path... to
the inn and to a hot relaxing pool in the snowy country side.
'Countryside' is one word.
Thanks!
<snip>
Couples and families gathered under other trees, talking and
eating. Cups of sake rested on the ground, people hoping for a
petal to fall into theirs.
Is that a Japanese thing? I personally hate it when things fall
into my drinks... ;)
Heh, yes it is. It's considered to be lucky if that happens!
<snip>
Sliding off his boxers, she kissed him again and again,
loving the feeling
of him against her. Their bodies were warm, but their kisses
and touches
were gentle and tender. Ever so gently, Ryouga parted her
legs, holding her
thigh as she wrapped her leg around his hip. Reaching down,
she guided him
into her ....
Ryouga and his wife made gentle love together. Holding each
other close, they
moved to their special rhythm. He rocked against her slowly,
easing his length
into her more with each motion, pushing slightly as something
blocks his
path ... and then his entire length was buried inside her.
Opening his eyes,
he looked down at her, seeing tears glistening on her cheeks.
And here is where this fic earns the [Lemon] tag.
Bah, that's not a lemon!! That's nothing! :p
<snip>
A slow grin spread across his face, "Anything for you!"
"But this time, let's do it piggy-style!" said Hibiki Akari.
Ryouga face-faulted.
<sofaspud facefaults>
I... I can't believe I just read that.
Teehee.
You are aware that there are several ways that
particular passage can be taken, aren't you? Hmm?
Yep. ^_~
And the fic was so serious up 'til this point, too...
The rest of the fic was just a set up for the joke. *smirk*
Thanks to Dave Roeder for C&Cing the first draft and Ravi
Duvvuri for the second draft C&C, and Czarfire1 and Gary
Kleppe for the third draft C&C! ^_^
Special note: 'en' is the actual Japanese name for 'yen'.
This is a pretty good piece. The quality of writing is
excellent, and you don't have any real grammar or spelling
problems that I've noticed.
Thanks! ^_^
In that respect, I like it. I have to admit I'm not quite
sure where it's supposed to go, though... maybe it's meant
to seem like it does, like a simple description of a relationship
(as if simple can apply to anyone in the Ranmaverse ;). That's
for you to decide, I guess.
That's what my fics often tend to be... character studies, I guess. But
not all of them ... some of them have a direction and a plot and people
DOING stuff rather than BEING. But, still, even when they ARE 'doing',
they are still 'being'... if you know what I mean... ^_^;
Aside from the tag issue, the main problem I have with
this fic is that it doesn't do anything. I don't find it
really interesting, personally. If you had some action in
there (no not THAT sort of action!), some problems, then I'd
probably like it more. As it is, it doesn't have anything that
makes me feel like I'm there. It's too bland. You need some
problems in here, some sort of antagonist - maybe Ryouga's
too nervous to 'perform', as it were... or Akari is. :) Maybe
an accident happens on their wedding night and they get separated,
at which point the infamous Hibiki genes send Ryouga on his merry
way to wherever, and he and Akari have to search for each other.
Maybe Ryouga (at the risk of being cliche) isn't over Akane yet
and has to resolve that. Who knows? Of course, if you do it right,
there's nothing wrong with being cliche. ;)
Good luck on this. I hope you continue it and flesh it out, but
as-is, I find myself unaffected.
Actually, I'm in it for the reaction value of the last few lines, rather
than the rest of the 'fic. Like a 'shaggy dog'-type joke, I guess. ^_~
And I think that your reaction was quite funny enough, so I don't feel
that it didn't affect you as you said above. Especially with your comments
about the joke even more above. ^_~
Kun-chan...
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