[The most current episode. Enjoy!]
Controversial Jack was happy. Which could be a good thing or a bad
thing, depending on how you looked at it. Good, because it meant he
wasn't out causing chaos and mass destruction at that moment. Bad,
because it probably meant that he had just finished causing chaos and
mass destruction.
At any rate, Kasumi had sent out his latest batch of invitations
(elegantly engraved, using only the finest neon pink parchment and
chartreuse ink) to his very own, hand-picked group of fighters. They
should be arriving any day now.
Jack sat down in his new throne, a solid gold high-backed swivel chair,
and spun around until he was dizzy. Then he staggered over to his desk,
where Mr. Duck waited with the final plans for today's fight.
"SQUEAK!"
"What's that, Mr. Duck? You have something important to tell me?"
"SQUEAK!"
"No, I'm not sure whether Ken bleaches his hair or dyes his eyebrows
black."
"SQUEAK!"
"Oh. What do you mean, there's no Omega match scheduled for today?!
There must be! Far be it from us to deprive the population from their
needed weekly dose of senseless violence!" Without missing a beat, Jack
called out to his secretary. "Kasumi!"
The formerly divine being appeared in an instant. "Yes, Jack-sama?"
He scribbled something on a piece of paper, folded it into an airplane,
and expertly tossed it to Kasumi. "Fetch me the person whose name
appears on this paper."
Kasumi opened the paper and looked puzzled. "For what purpose?"
"That person is..." Jack struck a dramatic pose with Mr. Duck, "the
special guest vict...er, challenger in today's Omega match!"
"And the opponent?"
"Sore wa...ah, screw it." He sauntered over to Kasumi and whispered a
name into her ear.
Kasumi paled. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Jack-sama."
"Just do it!"
*****
Daisuke was getting frustrated. Once again, the show was about to
start, and Hiroshi was nowhere to be found. As he walked back down the
hallway, something caught his eye. There was a sign on the door to the
broom closet that read, "This is just an ordinary broom closet." As he
watched, the door opened a crack, an arm shot out, attached another sign
underneath the first one, and ducked back in.
The new sign read, "Hiroshi is most definitely not hiding in here. No
sirree, nope, nuh-uh."
Daisuke frowned. Once again, the door opened, the arm shot out, and
another sign was hung on the door, underneath the previous two.
This one read, "Lilith, Hiroshi is hiding in the men's locker room on
the fifth floor."
Daisuke shook his head. Then Lilith came skipping down the hall.
"Hiiii!" she exclaimed in her most kawaii manner. "Have you seen Hiro-
kun around?"
Wordlessly, Daisuke pointed at the door.
"Aha! That silly boy thought he could get away. Well, you'd better
watch out, 'cause here I come!" And Lilith ran off, in search of the
fifth floor men's locker room. (If she'd stopped to think for a moment,
she would have realized that actually, there was no fifth floor.)
"Hiroshi," Daisuke said evenly, "she's gone. You can come out now."
"Are you sure?" came a muffled voice from behind the door.
"Positive."
The door slowly opened, and Hiroshi slipped out. "Phew. That was
close." He took one look at his co-announcer and gaped. "Daisuke, what
in hell are you wearing?"
"It's called a kilt, Hiroshi. It's from Scotland." He produced a
package and handed it to Hiroshi. "Jack's orders. Here's yours."
"There is no way I'm wearing a skirt in public."
"Ranma does it all the time."
"Yeah, but Ranma's usually a girl when he does it."
Daisuke sighed. "I never thought I'd say this, but...Work with me here,
Hiroshi."
"Exactly who are you, and what have you done with Daisuke?"
"Let's just get going, all right?"
LIVE!
FROM THE ULTRADOME!
THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
AND IMPROFANFIC!
IT'S TIME FOR...
{ M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R }
{ F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N }
{ .-----------. }
{ | U-L-T-R-A | }
{ `-----------' }
{ http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }
Episode 24 : Monday Morning Hangovers!
Written by Kate Malloy
With special Marlo scenes by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne!
Take the wildest, loudest, rowdiest, most excited crowd you've ever
seen. Multiply that by ten. Add in eardrum-busting, pulse-pounding
music, and the most spectacular display of pyrotechnics since the
eruption of Mount Vesuvius, and you might come somewhat close to the
experience that is Ultra.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...THIS...IS...ULTRA!" Hiroshi, having gotten
Lilith off his back for the time being, and having bribed the camera
people to focus on him from only the waist up, was back in form.
"TONIGHT, WE HAVE A SHOW THAT'S SO AMAZING, SO EXCITING, SO..." He
paused. "Daisuke, where's my thesaurus? Oh, never mind, I found it.
SO STIMULATING, MOVING, ANIMATING, PROVOCATIVE, AROUSING, ROUSING,
ARRESTING, IMPELLING, STIRRING, THRILLING...OW!" Daisuke had slammed
the thesaurus shut on Hiroshi's hand.
"I believe they've gotten the point, Hiroshi. Tonight's show features
the usual: a Lambda match and a Gamma match."
"Daisuke, Daisuke, Daisuke! This isn't some boring restaurant where
patrons just order the dull old 'usual.' This is ULTRA!" The crowd
screamed an affirmation. "Why, even if we only have two matches
scheduled this week, you can bet that they'll be the GREATEST examples
of ULTRA-VIOLENCE EVER to be shown on WORLDWIDE TELEVISION! Am I
RIGHT?!"
The crowd screamed again. The noise so disturbed a passing butterfly
that it flapped its wings out of sync, setting into motion a chain of
events that would eventually lead to the worst storm ever to hit Outer
Elbonia. But that was another story entirely.
"Anyway, we'll begin tonight's show right after these messages." Daisuke
finished.
*****
Backstage, Ash and Misty were entertaining a visitor.
"Brock! Great to see you!" Ash exclaimed.
"It's great to see you guys, too," Brock replied. "After I saw what's
been happening, I knew I had to come."
"What Team Rocket did to Pikachu was absolutely terrible!" Misty cried.
"That's really low-down, even for them," Brock commented.
"Yeah..." Ash said sadly. (Pikachu...why won't you come back? I know
you can't possibly be having more fun on your own than when you were
with us. I know I've made some mistakes, but I promise I'll try
harder!)
"Ash?" Brock asked with concern.
"Huh?"
"We asked you if you wanted to go get a snack or something," Misty
repeated, slightly annoyed. "Weren't you listening?"
"Sorry. I was just thinking about Pikachu. Even if we did pay Team
Rocket back for what they did, I wonder if he even noticed."
"I know he did, Ash," Brock said, reassuringly. "C'mon, let's go get
some food!"
As the three headed towards the cafeteria, Brock caught sight of Mai,
who was walking towards them. His face started to glow red, and he
approached her in an almost trance-like state.
"Uh oh," said Ash, as he and Misty ducked for cover.
"Hi!" Brock exclaimed cheerfully. "Would you be interested in going out
with me?"
Unfortunately, Mai was still quite upset about Sie and Athena's
betrayal, and she had some bad memories about that Team Hentai incident
from way back when, not to mention that the last time she encountered
Ash and Misty, they were hurling Pokeballs a la Greg Maddux. So she was
just a little bit edgy...
"Eeek! Help! Pervert! Get away from me!"
*****
"Well, Brock, the doctors say you'll be good as new in a few days." Ash
attempted to console his friend.
"Yeah, we'll take good care of Onix and everybody for you!" Misty
promised.
"MMPH MMPH! MMMPPHHHHH!"
*****
"And we're back!" Hiroshi exclaimed.
Daisuke squinted a bit, examining his fight card for the night. Then
groaned. "I hadn't noticed this. Great. Just great. A big blank
unknown spot on tonight's schedule. Just watch, it'll be some pair of
crazed maniacs and it'll end with our table being destroyed..."
"ALRIGHT! A big unknown match!" Hiroshi cheered. "Folks, we've got no
idea what's coming up next, so everybody hold onto your various
testicles or whatever things you may have--"
A countdown from five appeared on the KasumiTron.
"Oh, it's just him," Daisuke said, relieved. "He hasn't been
particularly impressive since his debut at UltraRage Beta. I bet we've
got nothing to--"
At the stroke of zero, a falling grand piano crushed the announcer's
table, in one massive off-key collision. The two barely got away fast
enough not to need to beg Nerv for clone replacements.
Marlo Semaj, quite calm and balanced while standing on top of a piano
stool, which was perched on the piano itself, raised his mike.
"Ladies and gentlemen, your personal hero, the most charismatic
entertainer under this roof, is about to RAISE IT!"
The crowd mixed with cheers and boos. Apparently, Marlo had personally
invited his own cheering section, as 'Marloholics!' signs were prevalent
in rows 13-20, section G, as was a large amount of accurately targeted
thrown popcorn. Marlo soaked in the few cheers he got and chose to
address the jeers in his own special way...
"Oh, don't you worry, fellow sports entertainment fans! The 'Furnityre
Savior' isn't here to waste your time with boring, cliched angles and
cheap, time consuming promos!" he declared, stepping off the stool, to
pace on the lid of the piano. "No no no. I'm here to speak on a matter
of BIBLICAL proportions. And that is because, as you likely know, that
SHAM, that FARCE, is holding the Gamma Belt right now... the one and
only Mr. Satan.
"Now... my mommy raised me right, and taught me not to worship graven
images, not to covet my neighbor's wife, and NOT to listen to Satan!
So, Mr. Satan comes down here, messing with MY victories, putting me
through my OWN tables thanks to his little toadies Sofia and Cage...
talkin' smack about YOUR GOD AND MINE, Controversial Jack... all while
holding that title in his unholy, greasy little hands! How does he
expect a righteous, god-loving fighter like me to IGNORE THIS
BLASPHEMY?"
Hiroshi peeked out from behind the crowd's security barricade. "Er,
wasn't Jack the official Satan for awhile? Even though he left the
office to become God later that night..."
"Don't remind him, Hiroshi, he might chuck a bureau at us," Daisuke
warned.
"Well, Satan, Marlo 3:16 says that I don't need any stupid catch
phrases to put your ass six thousand feet under!" Marlo continued. "So!
Mr. Satan... you get your forked-tailed, afro-dragging, pro-wrestling
little ass out here so I can put it through a table and take that
title!! You won't luck out or bribe me like your other victories! IF
YA SMELLL--"
"CHOTTO matte!"
All eyes turned to the entrance ramp where, during the spiel, someone
had entered. Two someones. Ranma Saotome, arms crossed and looking
rather irritated... and Nabiki Tendo, with the mike.
"Excuse me, Mr. Semaj, but you're forgetting something," Nabiki said.
"Although the Ranma and Iori 'I Quit' match ended with no victor, Iori
can't exactly challenge the titleholder in his medical condition, and
thus the number one contender is in fact my client. Therefore, I'm
afraid you can whine and complain all you want, but you are not getting
a title shot."
Marlo stared Ranma down.. then turned his attention to Nabiki. "Excuse
ME, Miss Moneypenny, but Jack took away Ranma's shot when he messed with
the Lumberjack match. Now, maybe I don't have my scorecard for Ultra's
various feuds and angles up to date, but I'm pretty sure of THAT!"
"Perhaps, but the stipulations state..."
"This is going to take awhile," Daisuke said. "Hey, you know, I can
play a pretty mean rendition of Chopsticks. Might be more entertaining
than--"
The ring erupted in a geyser of small rubber ducks for a moment, and
Jack manifested his semi-godlike spiky haired self to take some control.
"Guys, guys, you're weighing down the show with chit-chat," he said,
having the sound dudes turn off Nabiki and Marlo's mikes for now.
"Let's just distribute axes and settle this like civilized people. Now.
Ranma, you screwed up last week. Marlo, you screwed up during the
survivor run two weeks back and almost gave Dan the title again! Didn't
I hire you to be an unstoppable smackdown laying machine? Way I see it,
you're both loser retard freakazoid bumwads."
Needless to say, this didn't make them happy. Ranma had started to walk
to the ring with purpose, before Nabiki blocked him; Marlo twirled a
chair to the ready position...
"Of course," Jack added, "You're MY kind of bumwads. I like aggression
and pointless devotion to the pursuit of a cheap piece of imitation
gold! So, tell you what. One of you is going to make it up to the fans
tonight. Marlo, Ranma, I'm signing you, RIGHT NOW, to a special Power
Stone Hardcore rules match! The winner will be the new number one
contender for the Gamma belt!"
"A what?" Ranma asked, confusion showing through his veneer of cool
malevolence at the world in general.
Jack clicked on a laser pointer, to indicate his favored PowerPoint
presentation on the KasumiTron.
"It's very simple," he explained. "I did a little research into this,
it's a fighting style from the 19th century. I drop you two in an
enclosed space loaded with furnishings, blunt objects and other
interesting scenery. One of you gets a red gem stone, one gets a blue.
Ten seconds later a yellow one appears. If you hold all three at any
one time, you're supercharged into a megapowerful ultrabeing asswhomper
for a little while. Whoever gets knocked cold first loses, naturally.
No holds barred, weapons are readily available, share and enjoy!"
"Oh, a hardcore fight," Marlo said, cracking his knuckles, absolutely
pleased. "Furniture is my forte. I accept!"
Ranma nodded once. "I'm ready," he said simply.
"Hold your horses, boys," Jack said, waggling a finger a'la his arch
nemesis, Xelloss. "This is going to take a little time to finalize and
arrange. How about... we move it up to the main event? Plenty of time
for you and the audience to prepare. Tonight, Ranma versus Marlo, Power
Stone rules! You'd better get ready, boys, you're gonna need balls of
steel for this one."
"Whoa!!" Hiroshi proclaimed most excitedly, as is his wont. "Folks,
we've got... well, it sounds like a pretty crazy sort of match coming up
later tonight! Stay tuned, you don't want to miss THIS!"
"So who are we supposed to cheer for here?" Daisuke wondered aloud. "I
mean, Ranma's been acting like a jerk and Marlo is the definition of a
jerk. Should we be hoping for a double K.O.? A run-in from Shingo?"
"I'd say... draw, then BOTH of them take on Mr. Satan in a three way
dance flaming tables dual cage gauntlet elimination match with falls
counting anywhere loser leaves town!!" Hiroshi booked. "MAN, I should
be running this show."
"Hiroshi, if you were running this show, we'd have nothing but evening
gown matches and special video packages about Rei."
"You say that as if it were a bad thing."
*****
Bean and Tifa were taking it easy in the rec room. Tifa lay back in a
beanbag chair and smiled. Things were starting to go well for her.
She'd made up with Aerith, she had a great new partner, and...she was
champion of a great big intergalactic fighting tournament! Master
Zangan would be so proud! Yep, life was pretty good.
Bean nudged her. "Hey, Tifa, Aerith just passed by. She looked kinda
upset."
"Really?" Tifa jumped up and headed out into the hallway, just in time
to see the flower girl-turned-angel get ready to duck around the corner.
"Aerith?"
Aerith turned back for a second. "Tifa! I...I'm sorry, I just can't
talk now."
"What's wrong?"
"N-nothing! Well...No. I'm really sorry, but I can't tell you!" With
that, she hurried away.
"Weird..." Tifa murmured as she walked back in. "She *was* upset about
something, but she wouldn't say."
Just as Bean opened his mouth to answer, Shampoo stalked into the room.
"Shampoo find you at last!"
Tifa whirled around. "What? Oh, hey, listen, I'm sorry about..."
Shampoo crossed the room in a few quick strides. Placing one hand on
Tifa's neck to hold her head in place, she gave her a gentle kiss on the
cheek, then took a step back.
"Whoa..." Bean began.
Tifa turned beet red. "Ah, listen, I'm not exactly sure where you got
that idea, but..." she stammered.
Shampoo whipped out her bonbori, seemingly from thin air. (Hey, hang
around with Mousse long enough, and you pick up a few things.) "Shampoo
give you Kiss of Death! Now you die! Hiyaaah!"
Shampoo swung wildly at Tifa's head. Tifa ducked and rolled, a
seriously confused expression on her face. "Wait just a minute..." She
dodged another blow. "Kiss of Death?" Jumping out of the way to avoid
a strike aimed at her legs, she continued. "What on earth are you
talking about?"
"Stupid girl stand still!"
"Shampoo!" Mousse stood in the doorway. "What are you doing? It's
time for our match!" He raced in and grabbed Bean's arm. "Come on!"
"You might want to put your glasses on," Bean suggested.
Mousse did so, and looked up. "Oh," he said, nonplussed. Then he
noticed Shampoo attacking Tifa. "Shampoo! What's going on here? Sham-
ugh!" He had wandered too close to the fight, and received a bonbori in
the face for his reward.
"Aiyaa! Stupid Mousse! Why you no tell me we had fight now?" Grabbing
her semi-conscious partner by the collar, she dragged him away. "This
not over yet," she informed Tifa. "I find you later!"
Tifa and Bean blinked audibly as the Jusenkyo Survivors exited the room.
"What just happened here?" Bean asked in confusion.
"I have no idea," Tifa answered. "But I think we should go find someone
who does."
*****
Elsewhere, the other team scheduled for the night's Lambda match was
getting ready. Well, actually, it was more like one half of the team
was out looking for the other half.
"Geez," Bart muttered. "Why do I always have to drag Rico to these
things? You'd think he'd be happy, being the Battling Champion or
whatever they called it."
Through the crowd of people backstage, he caught a glimpse of his
partner in the distance. Well, he didn't get that good of a look, but
it had to be Rico. How many hulking, green-skinned, flame-haired
fighters were wandering around this place, after all?
Shoving his way through the crowd, Bart dashed forward to meet him.
"Hey, Rico!" he called out, but the figure didn't turn. "Fine, ignore
me then!" He reached out and grabbed the fighter's shoulder, causing
the other guy to turn around.
"Uh-oh." Bart realized he had made a serious mistake, just before the
4,000 volts of electricity surged through his body. "Damn," he coughed,
and collapsed in a charred heap. Immediately, two of the medics scooped
up the unconscious prince and carried him off to the hospital wing.
They were used to this, after all.
Blanka scratched his head. He really hadn't meant to do that. That guy
just startled him, and he had already been rather nervous about this
whole thing. It wasn't every day that one received a personal
invitation from God himself to come join a fighting tournament. Usually
he just heard about the tournaments from...come to think about it, how
did he always know when the Street Fighter tournaments were taking
place? It wasn't like the jungles of Brazil had Internet access or
anything. Oh, well; if he thought about it too hard, his head would
start to hurt, and then he'd get really cranky. He continued down the
hallway, hoping that somewhere, someone might be able to tell him what
he was supposed to be doing here. Maybe he'd find somebody he knew,
like Ken or Ryu or one of the other guys.
>From the shadows, a small figure watched Blanka depart. It had seen the
mutant shock the human, and it had been impressed.
"Pikaaaa..."
*****
"And now, time for tonight's Lambda match! Hailing from Joketsuzoku,
China, the JUSENKYOOOO SURVIVOOOOOORRRSSSS!" As Hiroshi incited the
crowd to new levels of excitement, Shampoo and Mousse entered the ring.
Well, at least Shampoo entered the ring. Mousse wandered up one of the
side aisles until the entire crowd chorused, "Put your glasses on!"
Mousse did so, and quickly joined his partner.
"And from the city of Bledavik in Aveh, and the city of Norturne in
Kislev..." Hiroshi began, but was interrupted by a messenger from the
medical ward who handed a slip of paper to Daisuke.
Daisuke unfolded it and read, "Due to an unfortunate accident involving
Bart and large amounts of electricity, Team Fatima has to withdraw from
tonight's match."
Suddenly, the lights went out, and a loud female voice called, "We'll
take it from here! Prepare for trouble!"
"Jessie, do I have to go out like this? It's embarrassing!"
"Yes! It's not *my* fault that was the only other outfit we could find
in your size!"
"Oh, all right...Make it double!"
Two large spotlights focused on both sides of the arena. As usual,
Jessie and James had chosen to make their own introduction. But this
time, something was a bit...different.
"What are they wearing?" Hiroshi whispered to Daisuke.
Indeed, Jessie was clad in a Superman outfit, and James was dressed as,
well, Supergirl.
"Why did the washing machine have to break now?" James whined. "I feel
ridiculous. This skirt is just *so* last-season."
"JAMES!!" Jessie hissed. "You're ruining it!"
"Oh, sorry."
Jessie put a hand to her forehead. "Well, the show must go on. To
protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
The duo simultaneously raced down the steps and leapt into the ring,
striking one of their famous poses.
"Jessie!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!" Team Rocket's Pokemon member popped up in the
middle of the ring. "But first, I got an important announcement ta
make!" He turned to Shampoo. "Shampoo, since da moment I first saw
you, I knew...Even if you are human part of da time, your feline beauty
is simply divine! I'm madly in love wit' you! Please say you feel da
same way!"
Both Team Rocket and the Jusenkyo Survivors (not to mention a large
portion of the crowd) simultaneously facefaulted.
Shampoo recovered quickly. "Shampoo no love crazy cat! Shampoo love
Ranma, and only Ranma!"
"But Shampoo..." Mousse asked, "What about me?"
"Mousse deaf as well as blind? You hear what Shampoo say!"
Mousse staggered back as if stabbed in the heart. It was one thing for
Shampoo to yell at him in private, or in front of Ranma and the others,
but to say something like *that* in front of an audience of millions and
millions of people, with even more watching at home. Could it be
that...she actually meant it? "Shampoo..."
Meowth, however, was not deterred. "Oh, Shampoo, you'll see! I'll win
your heart, no matter what it takes!" With that, the feline Pokemon
dashed from the ring, intent on his quest.
"Umm...can we get on with this?" Jessie asked, checking her watch. "We
have to rent these costumes by the hour, you know."
"Fine by Shampoo!" She turned to her stricken partner, bonbori ready.
"Shampoo go first; is okay?"
Mousse nodded weakly.
][ LAMBDA MATCH
][ MOUSSE/SHAMPOO vs. JESSIE/JAMES
][ FIGHT!!
Jessie pulled out a Pokeball and tossed into the ring. "Lickitung, go!"
"Amazing!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Team Rocket is using a new, never-
before-seen-in-this-arena Pokemon!"
The Pokeball opened, and out came a bright pink creature with a striped
yellow stomach and an unusually large tongue. "Licki!"
Shampoo started laughing. "You send stupid lizard against Amazon Tribe
warrior?!"
"Lickitung, go for her weapons!" Jessie ordered.
"Tung!" The Pokemon's tongue shot out almost faster than the eye could
follow, and snatched one of Shampoo's bonbori right from the startled
Amazon's hand. Just as quickly, it withdrew, carrying the hijacked
weapon straight into its mouth. There was a loud crunching sound as the
Lickitung enjoyed its snack.
"Give that back!" Angrily, Shampoo rushed Lickitung, swinging her
remaining weapon wildly in an effort to smash the Pokemon over the head.
"Lickitung!" Once again, the tongue came out, this time catching
Shampoo in the face. She lost her balance and sat down in the ring,
blinking in surprise and disgust.
"Stupid lizard pay for that!" Shampoo got up and advanced upon the
Pokemon.
"Tung?" The Lickitung quickly wrapped its tongue around Shampoo's
wrist. The furious Amazon attempted to pull free, but the tongue grew
tighter, and her wrist was starting to sting. Finally, she dropped her
other weapon. The Pokemon's little beady eyes lit up, and it released
her wrist and went to devour the dropped bonbori.
"Disgusting thing, take this! Hiyaa!" Shampoo kicked the feeding
Pokemon across to the other side of the ring, near where Mousse was
standing. "Mousse, get ready to tag in!"
"Huh?" Mousse was startled out of his own private thoughts, as Shampoo
jumped the entire length of the ring, tapping his arm on her way out.
Landing gracefully on her feet, she shoved her partner forward. "Get
going!"
Mousse climbed into the ring and was immediately faced by a hungry,
hurt, angry little lizard-thing. Normally, he would have had a dozen
weapons ready to go, but he was still distracted by what Shampoo had
said earlier...
"Lickitung, get his glasses!" Jessie ordered.
"Licki!" With an expert swipe, the Pokemon knocked the glasses from
Mousse's face to the outside of the ring.
"That dirty fighting!" Shampoo objected.
"We're the villains," James replied. "What else were you expecting?"
"Finish him off!" Jessie told her Pokemon.
"Licki! Tung! Tung!" Lickitung prepared to grab Mousse, but at that
moment Mousse hurled something from the depths of his sleeves into the
Pokemon's wide open mouth.
"Incredible! Mousse has just countered with...a banana cream pie?"
Hiroshi exclaimed.
Mousse followed up with a turkey and swiss on rye, several bunches of
grapes, a large pepperoni and anchovy pizza, a chocolate layer cake, a
pitcher of orange juice, a sushi combination platter, and an order of
buffalo wings with "four-alarm-emergency" sauce. Though he couldn't see
exactly where the Pokemon was, the Lickitung itself ran all over to
catch the flying food. Finally, it patted its swollen stomach, belched,
and fell asleep.
"Jessie! Hurry up and send out another Pokemon!"
"I can't! The rest of the Pokemon are in our other outfits!"
"8...9...10!" The nameless guest referee counted. The bell rang, and
he held up Mousse's arm. "The winners!"
"Could someone please find my glasses?" Mousse asked, sheepishly.
*****
"Darshu, are you sure we're looking in the right place? It feels like
we've been walking through this blasted forest for days!" Naga stalked
along, pushing tree branches out of her way and feeling generally
annoyed.
"Look, the radar says the next Dragon Ball should be right around
here..."
The two entered a clearing, and noticed a strange ball of blue light
glowing in the center.
"Think it's in there?" Naga asked.
"Only one way to find out." Darshu stepped up to the light, and it
opened into a circular, swirling, but still blue, portal. "Come on."
Naga hurried to join her partner, as the portal closed behind them.
They shot through a tube of swirling, psychedelic-looking lights that
changed from blue, to purple, to pink, to blue again.
"Groovy, man." Darshu was tripping.
They stepped out into a strange place. The walls and floor were made of
stone, and the only light came from a streetlamp directly in the middle.
Under the streetlamp, an old man in gray clothing dozed. Naga shook him
by the shoulder.
"Hey, old man, tell us where we are!"
The old man blinked his eyes. "Visitors? Hmm...don't seem to get many
of those nowadays. Welcome to the End of Time. You lost?"
"We're looking for the Dragon Balls," Darshu explained. "According to
this, there should be one right here."
"Oh, you want Spekkio for that." He pointed to a wooden door set in the
north wall. "Go right in there. But be careful - he's the Master of
War."
"I think we can handle that," Darshu remarked as he opened the door.
Inside was an otaku's shrine to Ultra. Posters, T-shirts, pennants,
action figures - if it had ever been manufactured anywhere, it was here.
Seated in front of a big-screen television was a strange creature. It
was pink, with a body shaped like a sideways oval, skinny legs, and
ridiculously long arms. As it turned to face the visitors, its mop of
purple hair stood straight up, and its eyes opened wide.
"Wow! I don't believe it! Dark Schnieder and Naga the White Serpent!
Right here! Man, I love you guys!" The creature ran up and shook both
their hands.
"Aah...what exactly are you?" Naga asked.
"I'm Spekkio!" the creature replied. "I'm the Master of War, so..." he
indicated his surroundings, "This kind of thing is my bag, baby! Yeah!"
"We're here for..." Darshu began.
"I know. The Dragon Ball," Spekkio finished. "That really sucks about
Lina. I hope somebody gets the Orochi good for that. Heck, I'd do it,
but, well, I have my duties here."
Naga and Darshu exchanged glances. How could a weird pink thing be the
'Master of War', *and* be confident enough to even think about
challenging the Orochi?
"Well, anyway," Spekkio continued, "I'll give it to you, on two
conditions."
"And they are?" Naga asked suspiciously.
"One, you stay here and watch the rest of today's show with me. Two,"
He whipped out a brand-new Unlimited Desire poster. "You autograph
this. And when you get Lina back, I'd like her to sign it, too."
Naga and Darshu grinned. They could get to like this guy.
*****
"Welcome back, Ultra fans! And now, for tonight's Gamma match. First,
hailing from the New Orleans, the ragin' Cajun, GAAAAAMBIIIIT!"
Gambit entered the ring to the sounds of "Born on the Bayou." He blew a
few kisses to some of the ladies in the audience, then struck a pose,
staff in one hand, cards in the other.
"And from Japan, the former apprentice to the Anything-Goes School of
Martial Arts, SHINGOOOO YABUKIIII!"
The spotlight shone. Shingo's theme music, "Lost in Space," thundered
over the sound system. But there was no sign of the would-be apprentice
martial artist.
"We seem to be having difficulties finding people tonight," Daisuke
remarked off-handedly.
Suddenly, one of the Orochi's Black Disk of Death(tm) portals formed in
the arena. And out stepped...
*****
"Sakura?!" Ryu and Ken chorused, watching the match from the Spirit of
Shotokan's big screen TV.
*****
A large portion of the male audience needed to reach for their Kleenex.
Once again, Sakura was clad in the black leather fuku, but it didn't
stop there. Her entire outfit had changed: black tennis shoes, black
gloves, and even a black Ryu-style headband.
"Sakura? Chere, what are you doin' here?" Gambit asked.
"The one once known as Sakura Kusanago exists no longer," Sakura stated
icily. "I am the Orochi's chosen warrior, his bringer of doom.
Surrender now, before I end your pathetic existence."
Gambit shook his head, and raised his staff into a battle stance.
"Guess I have no choice, then. But Gambit won' go easy on you."
Sakura smiled. "Good. That's just the way I like it."
][ GAMMA MATCH
][ GAMBIT vs. SAKURA
][ FIGHT!!
The powers of darkness had certainly given Sakura the upper hand in this
match. For one thing, she no longer was bound by Honorable Shotokan Law
#2, the one specifying that all attack names had to be yelled out as
their respective attacks were being performed. Therefore, she was able
to immediately rush in with a Shouoken that Gambit barely had time to
block.
For a second thing, she now seemed to be gifted with near-blinding
speed. After the blocked Shouoken, she immediately dropped and swept
Gambit's feet out from under him. The Cajun lost his balance, and
Sakura took the opportunity to introduce him to the mat.
"What a move!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Gambit can't seem to even keep up
with her!"
Sakura backed off for a second, allowing her victim to regain his
footing.
"Chere, why?" Gambit asked her, hoping that perhaps she would at least
be distracted by his question long enough for him to get in close and...
...no such luck, as she ignored him and hurled a Hadoken his way. He
quickly countered with several kinetically-charged cards. The two met
in the usual projectile-nulling manner.
Gambit decided that if he were going to get in close, now was the time.
Rushing forward, he swung his staff in an overhead arc...
...only to meet the air, as Sakura had jumped over and behind him in one
fluid motion. He started to turn, but Sakura launched him into the air
with a vicious Shouoken to the side.
Gambit crashed back onto the mat. Slowly picking himself up, he watched
Sakura. Then the realization hit him: she was toying with him! Her
expression was one of complete boredom; she could be doing her laundry
for all that it mattered.
That's when he decided that it was time to pull out all the stops. He
had to stop thinking of her as Sakura, a girl he knew and liked, and
start thinking of her along the same lines as those wackos Shermie and
Yashiro. Though he hated to do this to her...
He reached into his coat pockets and pulled out all of his decks.
"ROYAL FLUSH!" he yelled, tossing card after card at Sakura, and
watching them impact, and then seeing her fall slowly to the mat.
Through the fading light of the expended energy, he noted her stirring.
She was getting up! But that was impossible! Stunned, he could only
watch as she stared at him with an expression of pure malice. Then, she
struck.
He didn't see her coming, just a blur of light. Then, everything went
dark, as Sakura executed the trademark Shotokaner-of-evil-tendencies
finishing move upon him. This one, instead of leaving behind the kanji
for "god," or "death," or "mass unpleasantness," ended in a shower of
black cherry blossoms. As usual, Gambit's unconscious form lay on the
mat.
"The winner!" the extremely frightened-looking guest referee exclaimed,
not even attempting to raise Sakura's arm in victory. (Could you blame
him for not wanting to get close to her?) "Sakura!"
Sakura looked scornfully at Gambit. "Heh. Fool." She then turned to
face the audience. "Let this be a lesson to all who even think about
challenging the Orochi! You will all meet your doom!" With that, she
opened another dark portal, and disappeared.
"What a turnaround, ladies and gentlemen!" Hiroshi enthused. "Sakura,
now a warrior of the evil forces? How will this affect her former
teammates? What will the Orochi Resistance Organization have to say
about this? Will the price of wheat stocks plummet? Oh, the humanity!"
Daisuke wrested the microphone away from his co-announcer. "We'll be
right back, after these messages."
*****
Bean and Tifa had figured that Ranma had gone somewhere to prepare for
his upcoming Hardcore match. What they hadn't counted on was having
to deal with his new manager.
"If you want to see Ranma, you're going to have to make an appointment,"
Nabiki stated firmly. "We're on a tight schedule here."
"Look, this is very important!" Tifa replied. "I have to talk with him
right now! I *know* he can't possibly be doing anything big at the
moment; can't you let us see him?"
Nabiki fixed her with a hard stare. "I really hate making exceptions to
my policies, but, all right." Bean and Tifa started to step forward,
but she put out a hand to stop them. "However, since you don't have an
appointment, you will need to pay a fee."
Bean started to object, but Tifa just shook her head. "All right," she
agreed. "But I don't have any yen on me, just gil."
Nabiki smiled. "That isn't a problem." She pulled out a small book and
handed it to them. "Currency exchange table."
Tifa flipped past the entries for bits, GP, and gella, before finding
the current yen-gil exchange rate. (Had she kept going, she would also
have found the gold, goth, rupee, zenny, and any other RPG-world
currency conversion rates as well.) Doing a quick calculation, she came
up with the appropriate amount and tossed it to Nabiki.
Nabiki waved them forward. "Go right in."
Ranma was warming up for his match, stretching, throwing punches in the
air, mumbling death threats against Marlo, the usual sort of thing.
Tifa cleared her throat to get his attention.
Ranma turned. "Yeah?"
"What do you know about the Amazon Kiss of Death?" Tifa asked.
Ranma looked puzzled for a second. "Why would you...oh, yeah, you beat
*Shampoo*." He snorted. "Boy, am I glad I'm not in your shoes."
"Just answer the question."
"Okay. Well, the woman warriors of Shampoo's tribe have these really
weird laws dealing with what happens when one of them gets defeated by
an outsider. If it's a man, she has to marry him."
"Oh, so that's why she's after you," Bean realized.
Ranma seemed mildly annoyed at the interruption, but continued. "If
it's a woman, she has to give her the Kiss of Death, and then kill her."
Tifa took a step back. "*Kill* me?! How long does this last?"
Ranma shrugged. "Forever, I guess. And trust me, she'll track you down
to the ends of the earth."
"Forever?" Tifa repeated weakly. "You mean that I'm going to have a
crazed Amazon following me around, trying to kill me, for the rest of my
life?!"
"Yep. Sucks to be you, huh?"
"I...don't...believe...this," she answered, torn between strangling
Ranma and finding a good place to hide.
Bean put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on, let's go."
The two headed back towards the rec room, Bean having to practically
drag his partner along. Tifa kept shaking her head.
When they reach their destination, Bean helped Tifa onto a beanbag, then
sprawled on the couch.
"Tifa, I...that is, well...look, we're partners, right? And friends,
too. If that crazy Shampoo girl comes back, she'll have to get through
me first! I can be like your bodyguard..." His voice trailed off as he
realized Tifa wasn't paying attention to him anymore. He followed her
gaze to the TV screen, where Hiroshi was announcing that in addition to
the big Ranma/Marlo match, Controversial Jack Himself was having so much
fun that he had prepared a special Omega GRUDGE match for everybody. It
wouldn't count in the standings, but Jack believed that it would be nice
and exciting. And then he announced who the two fighters were.
Tifa looked like the wind had been knocked out of her. Then she
whispered, "No. He can't..."
*****
In the days of the Old Republic, it had been a museum dedicated to the
greatness of the Jedi. Wing after wing had been filled with holograms
depicting the deeds of the most famous Jedi Knights and Masters, and
other artifacts dealing with their legends: their clothes, medallions
struck to commemorate their elevation to their ranks, and even, on
occasion, their old lightsabers.
When the Emperor came to power, all of that changed. The exhibits were
destroyed, each one desecrated as the Emperor hunted down more and more
of the Jedi. Until, finally, neither Jedi nor museum remained. Then it
was sealed away, and would be forgotten about until some time in the
future, when a fledgling New Republic would rediscover its secrets and a
man with Jedi potential would find its last hidden treasure.
Which makes it all the more impressive that they managed to get the
cameras and the dramatic lighting in there.
Sephiroth stepped from his portal and regarded the scene of forgotten,
disgraced history before him. "Once," he remarked, "these people were
heroes, legends. Now, they are no more than faded memories. Such is
all life - doomed eventually to nothingness. And I shall be the one to
bring it to that nothingness."
Another portal opened at the opposite end of the hallway, releasing a
young woman clad in a pink dress, red jacket, and plain boots, carrying
a simple staff. Her brown hair streamed loose behind her as she hovered
slightly above the ground, on white angel wings.
Sephiroth, was he capable of showing any sign of emotion, would have
looked very surprised at that moment. HER. What should have been
impossible was now coming to pass.
The two stared at each other in silence, until Sephiroth finally gave in
and spoke. "I suppose you have come to take vengeance for what I did."
Aerith shook her head slowly, sadly. "No. It is not in an angel's
nature to seek vengeance. Only peace. And so, Sephiroth, I forgive
you. I forgive you for what you have done to me." She frowned.
"However, the pain that you caused my mother, my friends...all the
innocent people killed in your mad lust for power...that I cannot
forgive!" She turned something on her staff, and a blade shot out from
the end, effectively transforming it into a sort of glaive.
"We fight, then," Sephiroth stated simply. With that, he drew the
Masamune, and rushed toward her.
Sword met glaive with a resounding clash. Somewhere, the sound crew put
on a recording of "Duel of the Fates."
It should have been impossible for a simple flower girl, even if she did
grow up in the slums, to be able to duel a master swordsman, yet somehow
Aerith was holding her own. Every slash was blocked, every thrust
parried. Neither combatant had resorted to using magic yet, although
the spells at their disposal were varied and powerful. It was simply a
contest of skill and strength.
Sephiroth managed to get his sword past Aerith's glaive, and slashed a
shallow gash on her arm. Blood trickled down onto her hand. Neither
seemed to take any notice, and the fight continued.
Sephiroth was, well, not worried, since worry was an emotion he just
couldn't experience, but somewhat disturbed. How could this girl be
fighting him in this manner? Where had she gained her skills? It was
time to up the stakes a little...
Sephiroth raised his hand. "Blind," he declared, and Aerith's head was
engulfed in darkness. He advanced, swinging his blade expertly. Though
she managed a few lucky blocks, several of Sephiroth's blows reached
their marks. Aerith now was wounded on both arms, one leg, and in the
side. She was beginning to tire.
"Esuna," Aerith answered, dispelling the darkness. She had noticed her
current state, and figured that she couldn't hold out in this manner
much longer. Taking a moment to consider strategy, she flew upwards,
towards the high arched ceiling.
Sephiroth followed. Here, the two combatants were no longer limited by
such a mundane thing as the ground. They dodged and swung in an
intricate pattern, a beautiful aerial dance.
Aerith couldn't keep it up much longer. It was time for her last
resort. She rushed toward Sephiroth and struck out with her glaive. He
parried, but the momentum from the blow sent him hurtling towards the
ground. He landed on his knees.
"Hold!" Aerith cast a spell to paralyze him. Sephiroth watched, utterly
helpless, as Aerith descended from above, an avenging angel, blade
pointed towards his chest...exactly as it had happened so long ago in
the City of the Ancients, only the situation was now the opposite.
At the last moment, Aerith reversed her strike, and dealt Sephiroth a
blow to the head with the blunt end. Sephiroth fell forward,
unconscious.
Aerith considered him for a moment, with a sad expression on her face.
"So much wasted," she murmured, before returning to heaven, where she
was going to continue those self-defense lessons with Gabriel. Such a
nice man, really.
*****
While this epic conflict was taking place, a long figure walked the
halls of the Ultradome. Gambit was angry. Gambit was in pain. Gambit
was...grabbed by the arm and yanked into an empty storeroom.
"What the..." as the lights went on and he discovered who he was facing.
"Sakura?" But the schoolgirl-turned-Orochi-warrior was dressed in her
normal outfit, and she looked very apologetic.
"Gambit, I'm probably the last person you want to see after what
happened earlier, but please let me explain!" Sakura pleaded. "I know
this must seem like some sort of trap, but you have to trust me! I
haven't been taken over by the Orochi; I was just pretending earlier."
"Pretending?" Gambit asked skeptically.
"I know it sounds really far-fetched, but...the Orochi tried to turn me.
He couldn't do it. David stopped him!"
"But David *is* the Orochi now, non?"
"That's what the Orochi said, that David's soul was gone or something
like that. Some part of him has to still be there, though. Just as the
Orochi was about to fill me with dark power or whatever the heck it was
supposed to be, he stopped and started to clutch his head. Then he
started muttering something; I couldn't make out what he was saying but
it almost sounded like an argument. Then he went into some sort of
hyperspasms."
Gambit shook his head. "Sounds mighty fishy to me."
"I had to think fast. I mean, once he recovered, he was going to try
again, right? So I figured that, well, I'd pretend that it worked.
What did I have to lose? So the Orochi got up, and I used my best
ominous tone of voice, and called him lord and master and everything,
and it worked! He actually fell for it! I don't think he even realized
that he had that major head problem! So then he ordered me to take out
Shingo, which I did - you know, I have to go an apologize to him - and
then fight his opponent. I didn't really want to fight you, honestly,
but I didn't really have a choice. I might have slipped something past
him once, but the Orochi would really have gotten suspicious if I messed
up in the ring."
Gambit was about to say something, but Sakura took a deep breath and
continued. "Anyway, I'm really sorry for beating you up earlier. I
need you to tell Ryu-sama and everyone what's going on." She smiled.
"Think of me like a double agent. I'll let you know what the Orochi and
his goons are up to."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gambit wasn't born yesterday, you know. If you
aren't working for the forces of evil, how come you were able to use all
those moves?"
"Ah, um, well, you see...a while ago, I was controlled by the forces of
evil." At the sight of Gambit putting up his staff, she waved her hands
to deter him. "Different evil! Different evil! And I got cured from
that. But I still remembered how to do some of the stuff!" (Never
thought I'd actually be grateful to Akuma, of all people,) she thought.
Frowning, Gambit replied, "I still don't think I can trust you."
"I knew you'd have problems with that. Okay, take this." She handed
Gambit a large, oval-shaped piece of polished obsidian. "I don't know
what it is, but I think it's pretty important. At least, since there
were a bunch of big scary monsters guarding it, but they let me in since
they thought I was on their side now, and..." She glanced at her watch.
"Oh no! I'm late for the big evil plotting and planning meeting! See
you later!" She dashed out of the room, leaving a very confused Gambit
behind.
He sighed. "Things just keep gettin' more complicated around here." He
glanced in the direction Sakura had run off. "But if you *are* telling
the truth, you play a dangerous game, cherie. Bonne chance."
*****
"Wow! That was even more spectacular than promised!" Hiroshi enthused.
"Two mortal enemies duking it out, with a near-total-reverse of the
previous outcome! If that had been any more exciting, I'm not sure what
I would have done!"
"Probably come up with even more hyperbole in an attempt to describe
it," Daisuke responded.
"Work with me here, Daisuke! Anyway, it's almost time for the big
event..."
Suddenly, the lights went out. Again. The audience murmured in
surprise. From the ring came a bolt of lightning, then several more,
until a lightning storm to rival nature at her most furious was taking
place in the center of the Ultradome. And from the center of the storm
stepped two figures...
"I don't believe this!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "It's Pikachu
and...Blanka?!"
Pikachu hopped onto Blanka's shoulders and addressed the crowd. "Pika
pika pi! Pika chu pi! Pika kachu kapi chu pika! Pikachu!"
Daisuke sweatdropped. "Um, could we get a translator here?"
Meowth stepped into the booth. "Pikachu says dat he and the big green
guy there are teamin' up! They're gonna enter the Lambda league!"
A startled exclamation rose up from the crowd, followed by rousing
cheers.
"What a shocking development!" Hiroshi cried, before being whacked by
Daisuke for such a terrible pun. "Does this mean that Pikachu intends
on challenging his former trainer in the ring?"
*****
Backstage, Ash watched the declaration open-mouthed. "Pikachu..." he
said sadly.
"Ash...maybe Pikachu's doing this because he wants some respect," Misty
said. "He got beaten pretty badly by Team Rocket last time. I think
he's figured out that he really can't do this on his own."
"But why didn't he come back to us?"
"Pikachu does have his pride." And he's as stubborn as his trainer is,
she refrained from adding. "I'll bet he didn't want to seem like he was
crawling back to us in disgrace. Let him have a few battles. Once he's
got his confidence back, maybe then you'll be able to talk to him." Or
maybe his ego will get out of control again, and we'll be back where we
started.
"But what if I have to fight him before that happens? I don't want to
do that, Misty. He's my best friend!"
"Oh, Ash..."
*****
"Pika PIKA?!!" Pikachu snapped.
Jack mostly ignored the Pokemon, busy on the phone. "Yeah, that's
right. One fight. Your place. It's okay, right? You'll ref? Hold on
one second." He cupped the phone. "We've got the main event, okay?
You and the Hulk there are going to have to have your first fight
another time. Don't worry... I'll book you a good one. Deal?"
"Pika," Pikachu grumped, kicking a nearby empty soda can (since there's
always one around when you need one). He waved to signal Blanka, who
was busy scratching himself in public, and left the ring.
"...right. Okay. Be there in two minutes." Jack hung up the phone,
then gave a sharp whistle. "It's on!"
"Folks, we promised it awhile back, and now, it's time to deliver!"
Hiroshi declared. "Ranma Saotome vs. Marlo Semaj! Who will be the
number one contender for the Gamma belt? Here we go!!"
*****
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Jar Jar Binks lived.
Fortunately the fight would take place nowhere near him, and the world
could breathe easier as a result.
The fight would, in fact, take place in a Chinese restaurant in the
province of Ton-An. It's not a conventional fighting arena, but let's
examine some of the properties most restaurants, and this one in
particular, hold which would be of multifold benefit to those interested:
A) Chairs
B) Tables
C) More chairs
D) Larger tables
E) Various fixtures, rafters, support poles, and steps.
Kamiversial Jack appealed the laws of physics to a higher court (New
Jersey state district attorney) and a portal disgorged Ranma and Marlo,
in opposite corners of the restaurant. A small gemstone appeared in
front of each; red for Ranma, blue for Marlo. They quickly pocketed
them.
Ranma, who was expecting some stupid gimmick, was given pause; touching
the gem DID make him feel stronger. Faster. More aggressive. Take
over the world style. A third of it, at least. He cracked his
knuckles, appreciating the situation...
"Of course," Jack said, since he was already there, being able to be in
two places at the same time when he had to be for convenience sake,
"You're going to need a special guest referee. I've arranged for a
fighter familiar with Power Stone rules to help. Ladies and Gentlemen,
you have no idea who he is and I'm not going to introduce him beyond a
name so nyah nyah deal with it, Wangtang! "
"Yo!" a young pigtailed martial artist with a Chinese shirt who was not
Ranma said (while Jack ran for the hills). "Okay, try not to trash my
grandfather's restaurant much, and now, FIGHT!"
"Wow, Ranma, NERV must've gotten a DNA sample from your Victoria's
Secret catalogue!" Marlo joked before eating a thrown chair.
"Shaddup," Ranma growled. He sprang into the air, grabbing a rafter --
and flipping off it for a flying kick, which Marlo realized wouldn't be
wise to stand in the way of. A few quick dodges later and the two were
off and running.
Inexplicably, a bonus treasure chest dropped out of the sky in front of
them. Normally, this is in defiance of all known theories on
conservation of mass and entropy, but not one to kick a gift horse in
the mouth, Marlo flung the lid open, jumping up and over one of Ranma's
kicks, and pulled out what was inside...
Usually you only see guns like that mounted on helicopters. The barrel
as about as long as Kate Moss and the ammo weighed as much as Mike
Tyson, but Marlo hefted it easily, leveling the spinning barrel at
Ranma.
"Hasta la vista, baby!" he gimmicked, before pulling the trigger.
Ranma blurred, to get up and out of the way before the hail of Mass
Destruction tore up most of the non-smoking section of the restaurant.
Enjoying himself tremendously, also taking a few potshots at the
referee (who knew better, and had taken cover), Marlo did what any
crazed hormonal teenage American boy with social maladjustments and a
fixation on weapons and asskicking would do; he had fun. So much so
that he didn't notice he was out of ammo until Ranma had chucked a
beckoning cat statue at him.
Marlo went flying into a table for five -- and his blue Power Stone
went in the opposite direction.
Somersaulting, Ranma plucked the stone from midair -- glowing, flashing
with power once. He landed on a table, and flexed...
One shot would end this.
"HIRYUU.. SHOTEN.. HA!" Ranma shouted, flaring with the energy,
focusing it -- the blast rotated sideways, to funnel towards Marlo.
Marlo pulled something from the reserves but was engulfed in the light
without much chance of escape...
When the smoke cleared, there were plenty of twisted, melted chairs and
tables... and a pristine, shining Maytag washer/dryer. The kind that
lead to bored and lonely repairmen. Marlo poked his head up.
"Wow, the advertising copy was right," he said, impressed. He gave the
washer a hearty kick, sending it tumbling across the floor, and
impacting the surprised Ranma square in the chest--
Marlo vaulted off a support pillar, and grabbed his blue gem back from
the falling Ranma. One quick bounce off the washer, which had rattled
to a halt, and an overhead steel folding chair strike earned him the red
gem.
And, being an overconfident little snot, he took this moment to taunt.
He twirled a linen cabinet in one hand.. glancing askew at the yellow
gem, the last one, which had just beamed into existence.
"Two down, one to go!" he mocked. "Holy Jack, Saotome, I thought you
were an Anything Goes Martial Artist! Can't you do any better than
this!? I'm going to have to--"
Ranma leaned against a wall nonchalantly, tossing the yellow gem up and
down in one hand, which he had snatched away while Marlo was busy
pontificating.
"I'm not going to lose my title shot," Ranma said, simply. "Never
again. Come get me."
The referee skidded to a halt, just in time to see the two take off
again; Marlo and Ranma dashing at each other, kicking over everything in
their path, knocking chairs across the polished wooden floor at each
other, vaulting and dodging to the point where they collided --
And hung in the air, in mid pose, while the camera rotated around them.
*****
Jack took three million out of his pocket money and handed it over to
the special effects team.
"Ah, how I love Bullet Time(tm)," he sighed, wistfully. "Being god
kicks much ass."
*****
Both fighters dropped to the ground after a melee of punches, hat
racks, kicks, bookends and one kitchen sink, which had gone flying out a
window and, by some unusual karmic law, hit someone on the street who
was too poor to afford a sink of their own.
Marlo span a few times in the air, and landed back on his feet...
Only to see Ranma had all three gems in one hand.
"...HEY! You pickpocketed me, you little fink!" Marlo protested.
"Fight like the half of a man you are!"
The three gems linked by tiny arcs of white lightning, and in a
flash...
Ranma was technically one and a half the man he was. Muscles on
muscles, glowing yellow hair, one MEAN-ASS stare, and building up a
charge of energy in his hands that would make the Electric Company go
back to doing rhymes about grammar.
Marlo's jaw sagged. "Damn," he said, realizing what this meant, and
tried to go for the Maytag Block again-- too late.
The first blast pinned him to the wall; the flurry of superpowered
Tenshin Amaguriken punches pushed him a full foot into the concrete side
of the building, until he collapsed in a little maimed heap, hanging
onto consciousness by a thread.
Well, Marlo thought, at least I have clean underwear on.
Ranma started to charge a ball of ki the size of the Epcot Center.
HAD clean underwear, Marlo thought.
The pigtailed referee who was definitely NOT as stacked as Ranma was at
the moment tried to intervene, but Ranma shoved him out of the way, and
stared down...
Super Saotome stared down at his opponent, the roadblock between him
and what he DESERVED, with no pity, at the broken, messed up little
twisted ball of psycho teenager who had pretty much no shot at fighting
back now and would probably be crisped by the attack and...
He hesitated.
The ki charge dispersed, but in the shockwave, so did the gems. Red
and Blue arced in the air, as Ranma lost control in that moment, and by
pure random chance, the two Power Stones landed PERFECTLY in Marlo's
pocket...
Marlo, who sat up immediately, revived. He wasted no time, DASHING to
the other side of the room, while Ranma recovered and made a beeline for
him, but it was too late -- the Yellow gem had already popped on the
scene, and Marlo snatched it up immediately. When opportunity knocks,
be armed with copies of the Watchtower and a shotgun, that's Marlo's
philosophy...
One short transformation sequence later...
The Furnityre Savior, a huge Marlo made entirely of wood and joinery,
stomped a gigantic imitation oak sneaker on the ground, stopping Ranma's
progress.
Slip-sliding to a halt, spinning 180', Ranma made like the last Furby
in the store and tried to hide, but it was too late. Clocks, chairs,
desks, tables, bureaus, ovens, freezers, pie safes, entire closets and
all manners of knick-knacks you set above your fireplace and promptly
forget about for years came at him in a whirling tornado of furniture.
A lot he dodged. A lot he didn't. But the final blow was too much.
Marlo had whacked him over the head with a wooden Indian who vaguely
resembled Bob Villa.
Ranma went down like the descent of man.
The ref, Wangtang, flipped over and poked through the wreckage,
eventually finding Ranma. He raised Ranma's arm, and let go. It
dropped.
"The victory goes to Marlo," he declared.
Somewhere far away, a small section of Marloholics in the crowd cheered
like the Allied forces had just triumphed on the western front, and were
immediately pelted with foam fingers and popcorn.
Marlo powered down, and took this opportunity as he normally did to
gloat. He found the hovering UltraCam, and gestured to it.
"SATAN!" he declared. "G vs. E, baby! Marlo's comin' for your ass
NEXT WEEK!"
Before Ranma could properly climb out of the wreckage Marlo quickly
dove into the portal Jack had opened for him and ran to hide somewhere
in the Ultradome. Nabiki passed him on the way out... looking very
disappointed.
Wangtang offered Ranma a hand. Ranma stared at it, not comprehending,
so the ref pulled him out. It was a lot like looking into a mirror,
without any superenhanced muscles blocking out the sun.
"You held back," Wangtang noted. "When he was defenseless, you held
back even though you could have won."
"Whad're you talkin' about," Ranma grumbled, rubbing his pounding head.
"Ranma doesn't hold anything back. The idiot got lucky."
"Suit yourself," the boy said, backing off. "But you could probably be
a lot more powerful than you are now, stones or not. I can sense it in
you. I'm sure you'll find that true strength one day--"
"Yeah, beat it," Ranma said, waving him off, and walking over to
Nabiki. "Look, Beek, he just got lucky, and--"
"Stow it, Saotome," Nabiki barked. "I pulled all the strings to get
you a shot, and you blew it. We're going to have to work back up from
square one now. More training, and more fights to prove you're in the
competition. Got it?"
"I got it, I got it--"
"And no mercy," Nabiki added. "You got this far by taking every
opportunity you could, so keep it up, or you won't get back there. Got
it? Now let's get you to that commercial photo shoot for motor oil.
Time is money, Saotome."
Ranma let Nabiki lead him on. His head was spinning too much to really
ponder the merchandising. And it wasn't from the attack.
*****
Was Hiroshi excited? Is grass green? Does a bear pee in the woods?
"You heard it here first, folks!" he declared. "Marlo, against all
odds on the favored Ranma, has won a chance at Mr. Satan, the Gamma
champion, NEXT WEEK on Ultra! What a night that's going to be! Hey,
Daisuke, do you think I could get some of those plastic jewels? It'd be
really helpful next time, um, Wolverine or Lilith come after me."
"I don't think they're sold in stores, Hiroshi. And frankly, I didn't
need that mental image of Mecha-Hiroshi, thank you very much. "
"Well, *now* that about wraps up this week's show," Hiroshi continued,
looking around to make sure no new fighters, gods, mysterious wizards,
or any other strange beings were going to pull anything. "From the
Ultradome, good night everybody!"
*****
Spekkio, Master of War and Self-Appointed Ultra's Biggest Fan, was
pouting.
"Are you *sure* you guys have to go?" he asked Naga and Darshu, who were
packing up after an hour-long junk food and fight-watching bonanza.
"Yeah, sorry," Darshu replied, handing the third Dragon Ball to Naga,
who put it wherever she was putting the rest of their stuff. Darshu
really meant it, too. He hadn't had that much fun since...since...well,
it had been a while.
"Well, come back anytime! Bring your friends; I'd love to meet 'em.
Heck, bring your enemies; I'd love to beat them up!" Spekkio waved
enthusiastically as the two left. He then muttered something about
"...wonder if Masa and Mune know about that Sephiroth guy's sword.
Maybe I should give them the name of a good lawyer..."
"He was bit strange," Naga remarked as they exited Spekkio's chambers,
"but he had a very well-stocked refrigerator."
The old man was still standing under that streetlamp. He turned to look
at the duo. "You found what you were searching for?" he asked.
Darshu nodded.
"There might be another way, you know. If, for whatever reason, your
quest fails, you may be able to use this." The old man held out what
looked like a stone egg.
Naga stared at it. "What exactly is that?"
"A Chrono Trigger. Of course, in order for it to work, you'd also need
a life-size replica of the person you're trying to revive..."
Naga shuddered at the thought of a life-size Lina doll. "Ah, no thanks.
By the way, how exactly did you know what we were planning to use the
Dragon Balls for?"
"Who do you think Spekkio blabbers incessantly about his favorite
television program to? And by the way, do you know how boring it is to
stand under the same dull streetlamp for all eternity? You'd think the
End of Time would be some great majestic crystal palace or something,
but no..."
If Darshu were the sweatdropping type, he would have done so just then.
"I believe our portal just opened, so we'll be on our way now..." He
and Naga jumped through, just as the old man was getting to the "kids
these millennia, they have no respect for their elders" part of his
speech.
*****
Controversial Jack was in hysterics. Sure, he'd invited the big green
guy, but he never expected that silly neon-yellow mouse to team up with
him. This was chaotic! This was controversial! This was gonna be
great!
Now, if only he could get his underlings to find that godhead. Then
that stupid wizard would pay!
"SQUEAK!"
"Oh, a most excellent suggestion, Mr. Duck! Most excellent indeed..."
He rubbed his hands together. Oh, yes, things were getting very
interesting now.
-=-
][ ULTRA EPISODE 24 RESULTS RECAP :
][ MAI sends BROCK on an all-expenses-paid trip to the Ultra medical
ward
][ TIFA receives the KISS OF DEATH from SHAMPOO
][ TEAM FATIMA misses yet another match, to no one's surprise
][ SHAMPOO gains another unwanted suitor
][ MOUSSE/SHAMPOO def. JESSIE/JAMES, now at 3W/3L
][ NAGA and DARSHU meet their #1 fan
][ SAKURA turns to the DARK SIDE...or does she?
][ SAKURA def. GAMBIT, now at 5W/1L
][ AERITH def. SEPHIROTH, no change in standings
][ ASH undergoes much MENTAL ANGUISH
][ MARLO def. RANMA in the special POWER STONE match, now at 2W/0L
][ New fighter introduced: Blanka
][ BLANKA/PIKACHU join Lambda Division
Next scheduled author: Rift
-=-
Author's Notes:
Wow! That was an absolute blast to write. I had so much fun doing it!
I hope the battle scenes aren't too bland, but it seems that whenever I
write fight sequences the action is more implied than actually shown. I
also hope that I kept a fairly good balance between new plotlines and
old.
Okay, now for the big thank you list:
First of all, huge huge thanks Twoflower, for accepting me into the
queue, for the very nifty Marlo fight scenes, and for the most excellent
idea of making Sakura into a double agent pretending to be evil rather
than just another boring ol' evil pawn.
I'd like to thank my group of prereaders, especially Geoff Tebbits,
Jesse Ellman, Rift, and Lurker.
Thanks to everyone on the board who suggested a location for the Omega
match. Sorry if I went a little overboard. As it turned out, I ended
up using Lawrence Chu's suggestion of Coruscant, though a little
changed. The Jedi Museum is actually taken from Michael Stackpole's X-
Wing novels (I believe it's mentioned in novel #3, The Krytos Trap.)
Some of the other suggested locations will probably end up being used
in this omake I'm thinking about.
You'll be hearing more from me in the future (hey! why'd you throw that
at me?) as I've signed up for Furniture Warriors, Do-Gooders, and Final
Fantasy: Fated. What can I say; Impro's very, very addictive! Anyhow,
look for more fun stuff in the future. </shameless plugging>
C&C are very welcome!
Kate (kmallo1@gl.umbc.edu)