C&C Below.  Snippage here and there.

Centaur

a Ranma 1/2 spamfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)

[...]

Chapter 3.1416: Chiron's Revenge

Anybody else notice something missing?  Like a statement that this
falls outside of the official Taming/Centaur continuity?  8)

They're going to get a nasty surprise when part 4 comes along.  ^o^

[...]

    "Almost there...."  It was true.  The path led over one last
rise before dipping out of sight, and Ranma and Akane paused atop
the rise for a moment, looking out over the small valley that
meant so much to them.

Ranma:  Remember, no matter how much you want to, don't jump in
        those puddles.

suggest dropping "It was true."
(It's sort of like saying, "Ranma wasn't lying.")

    Jusenkyo.  "Place of Cursed Springs," by one reading, but it
could as well be read "Charmed Spring Birthplace."  Akane

Genma:  "See!!!  See???"

shivered despite the summer sunshine and drew a little closer to
Ranma; for him-- or her, at the moment-- it had been a birthplace
of sorts, but for her, it was a place where she'd nearly died.

You might want to break that last sentence up.
suggest:  of sorts.  For her,

    "Ranma, tell me again what we're doing here.  I thought
you'd gotten used to being a woman.  I thought you didn't mind it
anymore."

You know, for a amounts to a series of questions, these sentences
were alarmingly question markless.  :j

    Ranma shrugged.  "I don't, but... I dunno.  We were so close
anyway, I just had to come and... well...."  She sighed.  "Look,
wouldn't you rather I was a guy all the time?"

suggest:  We were so close, I just
(The "anyway" feels like it's dangling, somehow.)

    *No!* Akane thought, but she knew better than to say it.

What would those pervo fanfic readers would think?!?

How to say that some of the magic Ranma had brought into her life
was Jusenkyo's, and not his alone?  How to say that she'd miss
her best friend, even if her husband was still with her?  She
managed a smile.  "I suppose."

Ranma:  Aren't I your best friend?
Akane:  Well, yes, but your girl side...
Ranma:  [angrily]  We are not two people!
Akane:  [blinks]
Ranma:  I mean, *I* am not two people.  [sheepish]

And since Vince likes his Warm And Fuzzy Feelings:

Rumiko:  I thought I made it clear that you're *half* a person.
Akane:  Already corrected.  [displays ring]

    Ranma wasn't looking at her; her eyes were fixed on the
small pools and their bamboo poles glittering under a blue sky.
"Come on, let's go see the Guide."  They started down the path.

Should "guide" be capitalized?  It looks right, but you wouldn't
capitalize, say, "let's go see the teacher."

[...]

    The Guide smiled widely.  "Ah.  Maybe you ready now.  We go
see."  He led them towards the pools.  "Is still risk, you know."

punc:  you ready, now.
(What does this mean anyway?  He wasn't ready before?)

    "Risk?"  Ranma and Akane said together.  "What risk,
exactly?" Akane continued carefully.

Guide:  Is stragetic board game.
R & A:  ...

    The Guide shrugged.  "You know Pantyhose-Taro, yes?  You
know octopus-curse?  Magic mix, yes?  Maybe magic mix for you,
too."

punc:  octopus curse
(No Need For A Hyphen!)

    "'Maybe'?"

    "Is magic."  The Guide shrugged again, eloquently.

Shrugging eloquently?  A neat, trick, that!
Succinctly, mmmaybe.

[...]

    Ranma stared down into the clear water.  Cure, or redoubled
curse?  She suppressed the thought with the ease of long
practice.  He, er, she was Saotome Ranma, and risk was for lesser
men to worry about--

Well put, and in character.

Of course, one might comment that *she* is a "lesser man."  ;)

    "Ranma, I really don't like this."

    Ranma turned; Akane was standing well back from the pool,
crouched slightly as though she expected to be ambushed at any
moment.  Ranma smiled cockily and gestured at the pool.  "Aw,
take it easy, Akane.  What could go wrong?

Shall we enumerate?  Fall into the right spring, and become
Ranma-Herm (and that's not another Greek reference.)  Fall into
the right pool and for some reason the waters reject you and you
die.  Akane falls into a pool trying to sop you and and becomes
cursed.  You fall into the same pool trying to stop her.  The pool
is the Spring of Drowned girl, and your curse becomes locked.  The
pool is the Spring of Drowned Akane, and you become twins.  Fall
into a completely different pool...

Whoops!"

Guess I can stop there.  :)

    "RANMA!!"  Akane darted forward and caught Ranma's wrist,
stopping her sudden slide into a pool-- the wrong pool, the one
next to the Nanniichuan.  Ranma lay prone on the grassy ground,
her legs and hips immersed in the pool.

suggest:  into a pool -- the one next to the Nannichuan.

    "Nice save, Akane," Ranma said shakily.  Suddenly a very
strange expression crossed her face.

punc:  Suddenly, a

    Akane pulled tentatively.  "Um, Ranma, you feel, um,
heavier...."

Ranma:  I'm sure it's just my legs stuck in the mud.
Akane:  Yeah.  FOUR legs!!!

    The Guide whistled.  "Aiya, you very special customer,"  he
said, shaking his head.  He produced a sign.  Ranma read it and
her jaw dropped.  "You fall halfway into Maniichuan.

Mannichuan?  So now she's half a man?

[...]

    "--or half of horse," the Guide completed.  He looked Ranma
over, frowning.  "What you call this?"

    "Oh, shit," Ranma said.

A horse for ten seconds, and she's already dropping clumps wherever
she feels like it!

She kicked the remains of the
trousers off and twisted from side to side to examine her slim,
strong legs, her muscular haunches, and her four neat hooves.
She took a couple of tentative steps and looked at Akane with a
sickly grin.  "Uh.... sorry about this."

Akane:  Who was the sick bastard who thought up the title "Centaur"?
        They HAD to know this would happen!

    Akane sighed and massaged her forehead with one hand.
"Ranma, you baka.

Ranma:  So I'm a horse, deer.

[...]

    "Hey, it's not so bad.  It looks like I can run real fast
now--"

    "'Run'?!  Sure, and JUMP, and EAT HAY, and... my GOD, Ranma,
how are we going to go to SCHOOL now?  They don't MAKE St.
Hebereke's uniform skirts to fit your, your, your female form!"

    "Hey!  Quit naggin'!"

Ooh!  Bad pun!

    Akane giggled.  "Nagging."  The next giggle sounded slightly
hysterical, but she controlled herself with an effort and calmed.
"Well, Ranma, if you think your new cursed form is going to get
any, you're in for a shock."

Playing with sex roles and masochism she can deal with, but not
beastiality?

P-Chan:  [weeps]

(Should that be "bweeps"?)

[...]

    "Come over here."  Akane carefully led Ranma out of the maze
of pools and over to where their packs were.  She took something
out of one of the packs, concealing it from Ranma, then turned
around, keeping it behind her.  She smiled cutely at Ranma and
ran a hand over her withers.

This is what fics should have.  Not Japanese words you don't know,
but *English* you don't know!  Expand you mind!

    "You're not thinkin' what I think you're thinkin', are ya?"
Ranma asked suspiciously.

Akane:  This *is* the sequel to _Taming_... [smirk]
Ranma:  I thought I made it clear that you hadn't tamed me!
Akane:  Oh yeah?  Who's riding whom?

[...]

    Akane mounted with one athletic bound and clamped her legs
around Ranma's barrel torso, keeping her balance easily despite
Ranma's startled bucking and plunging.  "Keep an eye on our
packs, OK?" she called to the Guide over Ranma's complaints.  "We
have some, um, dominance issues to work out, but we'll be back in
an hour or two.  I always wanted a pony," she added to herself.
"HYAA!"  Whack!

Every girl wants a pony.  :j

    The Guide watched the pair disappear over the ridge in a
cloud of dust and shook his head.  "Good thing Mister Customer no
fall in blank pool with new curse," he muttered, trudging back to
his cottage.

Hmm.  A little weak of an ending, for a spamfic.  I can't think of
a better suggestion, though.  Maybe drop the last paragraph?

[...]

I didn't think I'd ever write a spamfic, but I made the mistake of getting
on FFIRC last night, and Gary said... well, an hour and a half later, I
was staring at this.  Doug: you were right.  :)

I'll tell my sister.

Welcome to the world of spamfics, Vince.  And thanks for giving me
something fun to C&C now that I've got a little time back from work.


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"