This is the first C&C I've ever posted.  I usually reply privately, but as
everyone I've talked to seems to want C&C posted, I figured I might as well.
You said you wanted C&C?  Here it is.
All comments are IMO, even those I could back up with facts, like spelling.

C+C needed!  Thanks for reading :-)

Next time, mark it as [Ranma Alt] or something similar.  I'm happy to help, but
I nearly deleted it out of hand.  I didn't know it was an alt uni.

                Hiding Behind Fear

Good title, caught my eye.

                        Chapter 1
                        Old Wounds

     The postcard came on a drizzley spring day.  The message was short and
to
the point, but to Kyouko it spoke volumes.  "Bringing Ranma from China," it
said.  Kyouko stared at the postcard and felt a wave of fear pass through
her
body.

Very...  metaphorical?  Odd description.

"No," she whispered, "not yet.  They're too young."  If Genma Saotome

Kasumi is 19 right?  She should be married and pregnant by now.

was
bringing his son Ranma to the house, it could only mean that he was ready to
merge the two families.  As an obedient wife, Kyouko knew she had to abide
by
the wishes Soun had stated in his will.  As a mother, she would do all in
her
power to protect her girls from the martial arts.

*smirk*  NOW you've got my attention.  Heh, I can just picture HER reaction to
Akane being kidnapped by J random martial artist.

     Kyouko sighed.  Best to tell the girls now so they would be prepared.

I just noiticed this, your use of ou.  That's fine, but in the future, make sure
you use Ryouga and Tendou, keep the romanjizations consistent.  But that's just
a nitpick.

She
stood up and went to Kasumi's room.  Her eldest daughter was on the phone
talking to a friend about a cute boy she'd met.  "Kasumi?" said Kyouko,
getting
her daughters attention, "Will you please come downstairs?  We have
something
important to discuss."

Relatively standard here, Mother's home, so Kasumi is normal.  Not a bad idea,
not a good idea.

     Kyouko closed Kasumi's door and went to Nabiki's room.  As she'd
expected,
her middle daughter was checking her stocks on the internet.

Computer?  Okay, I'll let you get away with it.

Kyouko let her
know she was needed downstairs and went to find Akane.
     Her youngest daughter wasn't in her room.  "Akane?"  Kyouko called,
checking the dojo, "Akane?  Where is that girl?"

Ah, why would she check the dojo?  If she's against Akane being a martial
artist, I wonder why she'd think Akane was there.

  Akane jogged around the corner and through the gates into her front
yard.

Some transition would be nice.

She wiped at her brow with a towel from around her neck.  She stopped by the
koi
pond and went through her stretches.  She threw some weak punches in the
air.
"Hiyah!  Hiyah!" she shouted.

A little martial artsy here isn't it?

     "There you go again, Akane,"  Nabiki stood behind her, arms crossed.
"No
wonder the boys think you're so wierd."

When'd she show up?  And why?  I thought Kyouko was the one looking for her.

     "They don't think I'm wierd," Akane said hotly.  "Do they?"

Shouldn't she be startled?  I know I was.

     Nabiki rolled her eyes.  She turned and walked towards the house.

rolled her eyes, then turned

"This
may interest you," she called over her shoulder.

She sounds like she already has foreknowledge.  Does she?  How late is Akane?

        **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **

I think you needed some more of these earlier.  Indicate transitions.

     The three Tendo sisters kneeled at the table.  Kasumi was excited.
Nabiki
was bored.  Akane was confused.

Nabiki's lack of enthusiasm doesn't seem to go with her previous attitude, but I
may just be reading her wrong.

     "Mom?  What's wrong?"
     Kyouko cleared her throat.  "One of you will have a fiancee by the end
of
the day," she said, explaining their father's wishes.

Write out her explanation.  The way it's written there it sounds like that does
all the explanation, and it doesn't.  Considering that this is an alt uni, have
any changes been made in the agreement?  And how does she know they will show up
that day?  Usually people send postcards a week or more before they show up.
Not Genma, but she doesn't know that.

     Kasumi perked up at the mention of a boy.  "Really?  Is he cute?  I
hope
he's older than me.  Younger men bore me."  She began to fantasize about the
mystery fiancee.  "I hope he's tall, and handsome, and..."

*snicker*  No comment.

     Nabiki interrupted her.  "Just where will this fiancee and his father
be
staying?"
     "They'll be moving into the guest room."
     Nabiki frowned.  That meant two more mouths to feed, and their
resources
were already strained.  Her mother never seemed to worry about where their
finances were going to come from, she was too busy being overprotective of
her
daughters.  That left Nabiki to scramble around, setting up plans to make
more
money for the family.  <When Daddy was alive and teaching at the dojo, we
always
had so much money,> she thought sadly.

Nabiki sympathiser eh?  Adding a little stress to the situation can be good, but
don't overdo it.  Just a warning, this seems okay.

     Akane thought about the implications of the Saotome's arrival.  <This
boy
is a martial artist.  He is going to run the dojo.  I can finally learn
martial
arts!>

She wants to, but her mother won't let her.  You might want a few background
arguments between Akane and Kyouko over martial arts.  I'd like to see them,
anyway.

     "I realize this news may be hard on you girls, but I must obey your
father's final wishes.  However, this situation does NOT mean that you girls
will be placed in any danger.  Ranma will run the dojo.  One of you will
take
care of the house."

Sounds more like she's trying to convince herself more than them.  Maybe a
repeat of the same sentance would indicate that more, if you want to try that.

     Akane was about to protest when she heard the front door slide open.

How rude!  Don't people ever knock?

     "It sounds like we have visitors," said Nabiki.

Ah, so this time it's Nabiki who is master of the obvious.

     "It must be Ranma!"  Kasumi hurried eagerly to the door.

Or a really agressive salesman.

     "Saotome-san, we've been waiting," said Kyouko as she followed Kasumi.

I dunno, but I'd be kinda mad if someone walked into my house like they owned
the place.

     Akane frowned and stood next to Nabiki, waiting for Ranma and his
father
to be presented in the living room.  In a moment Kasumi and Kyouko came

running
back into the room followed by a very large panda bear carrying a small

It's up to you, but I'd take out the bear.  I think everyone knows what a panda
is, but if you talk like that I'm not going to fault you.

redheaded figure.  The panda set the redhead down in front of the terrified
family.

Ranma-chan:  Run!  It wants to add to its collection!

     "You wouldn't be...?" asked Kyouko nervously.

Circus escapees?

     The redhead looked sullenly at the floor.  "I'm Ranma Saotome," came a
high pitched voice.  "Sorry about this."
     "Oooh, he is cute," giggled Kasumi.

Well, this certainly fits her character so far...

     Nabiki studied the person in front of her.  Her eyes narrowed.
"Hmmm..."
she frowned.  She bent down and patted the large soft flesh on Ranma's
chest.

I'd suggest breasts.  Large soft flesh brings medical terms to my mind.

"Ranma's not a boy, he's a girl," she announced.

She, unless you want to leave it like that on purpose.

     "Oh my."  Overwhelmed, Kyouko did the first thing she could think of.
She
fainted.

        **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **

     Kyouko opened her eyes slowly.  Kneeling alogside her were her

alongside

daughters,
Ranma, and the panda.  Kyouko put her hand to her pounding head.  She looked
at
the sorrowful redheaded girl.  Dozens of thoughts flooded her mind.  Ranma

Kinda choppy, but as the rest of the sentances break it up some it may be okay.

was a
girl.  There would be no marriage.  There would be no one to run the dojo.
Her
daughters would never know the dangers of martial arts.  Kyouko smiled.

I only counted four.

     Kasumi looked at her mother's smile and frowned.  "This is all your
fault,
mother.  Can't you tell the difference between a boy and a girl?"

Yeesh, I guess Kasumi got Akane's tendancy to blame others her.

     "I assumed Saotome-san's son was a boy."
     "Does this look like a boy to you, hmmm, mother?" asked Nabiki as she
squezzed Ranma's right breast for emphasis.

squeezed

     "Please, I wish you'd stop that," said Ranma mournfully.

mournfully?  Irritatedly?  I suggest something else would be better.

     "Stop it you two!"  said Akane.  "He, er, she is a guest!"  She put her
hand on Ranma's shoulder and smiled.  "Hi, I'm Akane.  You wanna be
friends?"
     Ranma smiled for the first time since she'd entered the Tendo home.
She
gave a slight nod.
     "Come on," said Akane.  "I'll show you around."
     The two girls walked outside.  Akane showed Ranma the koi pond and the
garden.  Ranma was impressed by the size of the yards.  Akane led Ranma to
the
building behind the house.

Bad mental image.

     "And this rock path was built by my dad," Akane said.  She swept her
hand
out, following the path towards the dojo.

Nice.  Very nice.  Show's Akane's devotion to her father's memory rather than
her mother's.  She probably wouldn't care near as much about cooking here, she
wants to be a martial artist like her daddy.

     "Is that the dojo?" asked Ranma, taking the bait.
     Akane's face lit up with her smile.  "Yes!  Would you like to see it?"
     "Sure."
     Akane led the petite redhead into the dojo.  The floor of the dojo was

I think you should stick with japanese and english.  And no more japanese than
absolutely needed.  small redhead.  Or just small girl.

swept and polished.  The room shone from excessive cleaning.  There were no
scuff marks on the floor, no dents in the wall.  Barbells gathered cobwebs
in
the corner.  Ranma stood in the center of the room, taking it all in.

Little bit of a contradiction there.  An excessively cleaned room wouldn't have
cobwebs.

     "Wow," she said.
     "You like it?" asked Akane.  "You study kempo, right?  Can you show
me?"
     A slow smile spread across Ranma's face.

Yes, this Ranma is basicly like the original huh?  Kyouko is going to have a fit
when she see's Ranma's idea of training, which he gets from Genma.  I bet she
freaks over the nekoken incident.

        **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **

     After grabbing a snack, Kasumi walked past the living room on the way
to
her room.  She stopped, took a few steps back, and peered into the living
room.
Kneeling at the table across from her mother was a strange looking man.  The
man
was crying.  Kyouko looked upset.  Kasumi continued up the stairs and went

Daddy has come back to us!

to
Nabiki's room.
     "Hey, Nabiki, who'se that strange guy in the living room?"
     Nabiki looked up from her computer.  "Beats me."
     Kasumi shrugged and headed off to her room.
     Nabiki glanced at the clock.  <Better tell Akane she can take her bath
now.>

Why would she do that?

        **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **

     Ranma went through a few kata's effortlessly while Akane watched with

kata, no s.

awe.
She finished the last excersize and turned to Akane with a smile.
     "That was great!  Do you think you could teach me?"
     Ranma smirked.  "Sure!"
     Akane crouched in a fighting stance.  "Ok, let's go!"
     "Hey, wait!  Um, do you know what you're doing?"
     Akane shrugged.  "Dad taught me some when I was little.  So, let's go!"

Practicing in secret?  I could see that.

     Ranma sighed and took a defensive pose.  Akane threw a few weak punches

clumsy, not weak, unless you specificly mean weak.

which Ranma dodged easily.  Frustrated, Akane continued her advance, backing
Ranma againt the wall.
     "What's wrong?  Attack me!"  Akane threw a hard, straight punch at
Ranma's
face.  Surprised, Ranma jumped in the air and flipped over Akane's head.

With no training, all he'd have to do is lean to avoid something that slow.
Although, he'd love to show out.

Landing softly behind Akane, she began to giggle.  Akane smiled.  "You're
pretty
good!"
     "That last punch of yours wasn't bad either.  Had a lot of power behind
it."

Okay, in the original she got really strong because she trained hard and had
some natural strength to develop.  Here, she lacks training, so why is she
strong enough to make Ranma notice?

     Akane's eyes lit up.  "So you'll teach me, then?"
     Ranma nodded.  "Some other time though."

Ranma hasn't said much yet, be he seems to talk correctly when he does say
something.

        **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **      **

     Kyouko tried to process what she had been told.  Genma Saotome did have
a
son, he would marry one of her daughters and run the dojo.
     "My son will carry on the legacy of the Saotome-Tendo Anything Goes

If you use Kyouko, I reccomend Tendou.  And I think the Tendo branch is dead.
Soun is, and Akane doesn't know how, so the only thing left is the dojo.  Weak
spot here.

School
of Martial Arts."
     "But Saotome-san, can he be an adequate leader of the school?"

Why would she be worried?  Or is it some sort of weird objection to the curse?

     A pained look crossed Genma's face.  "He will be a strong leader!" he
said
confidently.
     Kyouko sighed and bowed her head respectively.  "As you say,
Saotome-san."
<My Soun, the arts took your life.  Will they take my daughters as well?>

Good that you didn't just blurt out what killed Soun.  I like waiting to find
out things.

                                End Chapter 1

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What, no .sig?  How odd.


Okay, you've got me interested.  Grammar was good, spelling was good, and except
for a few cases it flowed pretty well.  There were a few weak spots in the plot
and setting, nothing you can't fix.  I must admit to a rather large amount of
curiousity reguarding Kuno's future role.  With no martial arts to fend him off,
is he not interested or has something else stopped him?
Dr. Tofu hasn't made an appearance yet, so I don't know how he's going to react
to Kasumi and vice versa.
Ryoga's role here should be interesting, if Akane gets her hair cut as usual.
If you continue it past that point, THEN you'll have me hooked.
You've got the set up, now I'm waiting to see what you do with it.  Pretty good,
and I'll be watching for future chapters.


--
  Ragun P. Moody
  AKA Kichigai

  ICQ# 37606443
  Visit my site! http://lavender.fortunecity.com/clockwork/416/index.html

     I bought an Acme mallet the other day.  Sure enough, it had a little
sticker saying 'Made in Japan'.