--- Yuffie Kisaragi <yuffie_kisargi@HOTMAIL.COM>
wrote:

C+C needed!  Thanks for reading :-)

^_^.
Everything is IMO

			Hiding Behind Fear


			Chapter 1
			Old Wounds



     The postcard came on a drizzley spring day. 

drizzley-->drizzly

The message was short and 
to
the point, but to Kyouko it spoke volumes. 
"Bringing Ranma from China," it
said.  Kyouko stared at the postcard and felt a wave

You might want to have the 'it said' before '
"Bringing Ranma from China" '
I think it would flow better.

of fear pass through 
her
body.
     "No," she whispered, "not yet.  They're too
young."  If Genma Saotome 

The eldest daughter is 19. I'm not sure what the
acceptable age is, but I'm sure it's close to 19 or
probably before.

was
bringing his son Ranma to the house, it could only
mean that he was ready to
merge the two families.  As an obedient wife, Kyouko
knew she had to abide 
by
the wishes Soun had stated in his will.  As a
mother, she would do all in 
her
power to protect her girls from the martial arts.

Interesting...

     Kyouko sighed.  Best to tell the girls now so
they would be prepared.  
She
stood up and went to Kasumi's room.  Her eldest
daughter was on the phone
talking to a friend about a cute boy she'd met. 
"Kasumi?" said Kyouko, 
getting
her daughters attention, "Will you please come
downstairs?  We have 
something
important to discuss."

Since their mother died, Kasumi had taken over the
household duties in the family. Might there be a
similar reaction to the death of their father, perhaps
along the lines of carrying on the family line of
martial arts? There might be some opposition from the
mother, but it _would_ be what Soun would want, and,
as you stated, she is an obedient wife. In this fic,
it seems like Kasumi doesn't mind her father's death
that much.

     Kyouko closed Kasumi's door and went to
Nabiki's room.  As she'd 
expected,
her middle daughter was checking her stocks on the
internet.  Kyouko let her

I'm not exactly sure how Soun's death would cause her
to be more interested in such matters. If this refers
to her conning money from people in the story, those
are just small, petty things, nothing like the stress
of investing and all that. 
Of course, you never know =).

know she was needed downstairs and went to find
Akane.
     Her youngest daughter wasn't in her room. 
"Akane?"  Kyouko called,
checking the dojo, "Akane?  Where is that girl?"
     Akane jogged around the corner and through the
gates into her front 
yard.
She wiped at her brow with a towel from around her
neck.  She stopped by the 
koi
pond and went through her stretches.  She threw some
weak punches in the 
air.
"Hiyah!  Hiyah!" she shouted.
     "There you go again, Akane,"  Nabiki stood
behind her, arms crossed.  
"No
wonder the boys think you're so wierd."
     "They don't think I'm wierd," Akane said hotly.

weird 

<...>

     Nabiki frowned.  That meant two more mouths to
feed, and their 
resources
were already strained.  Her mother never seemed to
worry about where their
finances were going to come from, she was too busy
being overprotective of 
her
daughters.  That left Nabiki to scramble around,
setting up plans to make 
more
money for the family.  <When Daddy was alive and
teaching at the dojo, we 
always
had so much money,> she thought sadly.

He didn't have any students, though. How much money
they would have might depend upon when Soun died. If
it was a recent death, they might have more money,
from what Soun would have left over (though, where he
gets this money from is a mystery that would probably
never be solved). If it was a death that happened when
Kasumi was a child, Kyouko might have gotten a job,
herself.

     Akane thought about the implications of the
Saotome's arrival.  <This 
boy
is a martial artist.  He is going to run the dojo. 
I can finally learn 
martial
arts!>
     "I realize this news may be hard on you girls,
but I must obey your
father's final wishes.  However, this situation does
NOT mean that you girls
will be placed in any danger.  Ranma will run the

block periodically, checking if there are any
predators out there. ;)

Why would they be placed in danger?

dojo.  One of you will 
take
care of the house."
     Akane was about to protest when she heard the

protest,

front door slide open.
     "It sounds like we have visitors," said Nabiki.
     "It must be Ranma!"  Kasumi hurried eagerly to
the door.
     "Saotome-san, we've been waiting," said Kyouko
as she followed Kasumi.
     Akane frowned and stood next to Nabiki, waiting
for Ranma and his 
father
to be presented in the living room.  In a moment

moment,

Kasumi and Kyouko came 
running
back into the room followed by a very large panda
bear carrying a small
redheaded figure.  The panda set the redhead down in
front of the terrified
family.
     "You wouldn't be...?" asked Kyouko nervously.
     The redhead looked sullenly at the floor.  "I'm
Ranma Saotome," came a
high pitched voice.  "Sorry about this."
     "Oooh, he is cute," giggled Kasumi.

He's also much shorter than Kasumi, so wouldn't she
remark on the fact that 'he' is (probably) much
younger than she is?
 

     Nabiki studied the person in front of her.  Her
eyes narrowed.  
"Hmmm..."
she frowned.  She bent down and patted the large
soft flesh on Ranma's 
chest.
"Ranma's not a boy, he's a girl," she announced.
     "Oh my."  Overwhelmed, Kyouko did the first
thing she could think of.  
She
fainted.

Soun was emotionally unstable, which was probably the
reason for his fainting. I'm not sure his wife would
have a similar reaction.

<...>
 

     "Please, I wish you'd stop that," said Ranma
mournfully.
     "Stop it you two!"  said Akane.  "He, er, she

You might want to puncuate the 'er' with -'s

is a guest!"  She put her
hand on Ranma's shoulder and smiled.  "Hi, I'm
Akane.  You wanna be 
friends?"
     Ranma smiled for the first time since she'd
entered the Tendo home.  
She
gave a slight nod.
     "Come on," said Akane.  "I'll show you around."
     The two girls walked outside.  Akane showed
Ranma the koi pond and the
garden.  Ranma was impressed by the size of the
yards.  Akane led Ranma to 
the
building behind the house.
     "And this rock path was built by my dad," Akane
said.  She swept her 

'said' is used quite a lot. Maybe you should try other
phrases throughout the fic, instead.

<...>
 

     Ranma went through a few kata's effortlessly
while Akane watched with 
awe.
She finished the last excersize and turned to Akane
with a smile.
     "That was great!  Do you think you could teach
me?"

If Akane really wants to learn, what would there have
been to stop her. WIthout a doubt, she could have
found a teacher and at least learned _something_. It
might be better if she wasn't sure if she wanted to
learn. Besides that, Soun isn't shown (as far as I
know) teaching Akane.

     Ranma smirked.  "Sure!"
     Akane crouched in a fighting stance.  "Ok,
let's go!"
     "Hey, wait!  Um, do you know what you're
doing?"
     Akane shrugged.  "Dad taught me some when I was
little.  So, let's go!"
     Ranma sighed and took a defensive pose.  Akane
threw a few weak punches
which Ranma dodged easily.  Frustrated, Akane
continued her advance, backing
Ranma againt the wall.
     "What's wrong?  Attack me!"  Akane threw a
hard, straight punch at 
Ranma's
face.  Surprised, Ranma jumped in the air and

Did she charge him or something? Ranma knows that she
isn't that skilled, so why would he waste so much
movement? And if she's just standing infront of him
and throws a punch, would there be much need to flip
over her, when he can just dodge the attack or
sidestep? 

flipped over Akane's head.
Landing softly behind Akane, she began to giggle. 
Akane smiled.  "You're 
pretty
good!"
     "That last punch of yours wasn't bad either. 
Had a lot of power behind 
it."
     Akane's eyes lit up.  "So you'll teach me,
then?"
     Ranma nodded.  "Some other time though."

	**	**	**	**	**	**	**	**	**

     Kyouko tried to process what she had been told.
 Genma Saotome did have 
a
son, he would marry one of her daughters and run the
dojo.
     "My son will carry on the legacy of the
Saotome-Tendo Anything Goes 
School
of Martial Arts."
     "But Saotome-san, can he be an adequate leader
of the school?"
     A pained look crossed Genma's face.  "He will
be a strong leader!" he 
said
confidently.
     Kyouko sighed and bowed her head respectively. 
"As you say, 
Saotome-san."
<My Soun, the arts took your life.  Will they take
my daughters as well?>

				End Chapter 1

This C&C brought to you by QuickYen Inc.


Interesting idea. I rather liked this chapter, too.
I'm eager to see all the changes this might incur, as
I haven't seen any alterverse like this before.
Can't wait for the next installment.


=====
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L.A.
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