a beautiful piece, one that seemed to hit home, and tug
right at the heartstrings. I know this may seem stupid, but
i wrote a similar, autobiographical essay last summer for a
class. It was also about a father. My father. And well,
let's just say that this fic hit me right in between the
eyes. Good work. Some minor c and c IMO below in
parentheses.


   >

It was right after mom's death.  I remember it was early

December and the

weatherman had been threatening snow for several weeks, but

no one really

believed him.  The sky was a continual gray for God only

knows how long and

the air was biting with cold, but an autumn cold; dry and

windy but

(suggest that you use "yet not freezing." So many buts so
near each other makes it sound awkward.)


 >the trees.  They were stripped of their leaves, swaying
their dead limbs

against the slowly sprawling backdrop of clouds.

(Suggest: stripped of leaves, their dead limbs swaying
against..)

I remember the last day dad took me to see her.  I was only

four, but I

remember it pretty well.

(Suggest you sue another word or rephrase so that remember
isn't used continuously. Sounds awkward that way.)

the button.  I remember I was smiling because I was about

to see my mom, and

because "she would be home soon".

(Talk about ominous.....)

about how cold it was and that dad and I had been eating a

lot of instant.

She gave him a pinch for that one.

(Ah, the lives of bachelors....)

A few minutes later dad came out, took my hand and led me

out to the van.  I

remember him asking if I wanted any ice cream, and us

stopping at a store to

get some.  He said "Tonight we'll make some ice cream

floats and watch some

TV, does that sound good to you?"  I cheered and

practically drug him into

the store.

(practically dragged him into the store)

I didn't really realize until later that his eyes were as

red as moms.


( were as red as mom's)

The next morning I woke up, looked out my window and cheere

d.

It was snowing.

(nice effect. Snow often signifies a new begining, not an
end. Well done.)

Several hours later I was playing in front of grandpa's

office.  It was

(Um... since when does Yosho have an office in the shrine?)

When I noticed him, I ran up to him laughing, asking how

mother was.  He just

stood there for the longest time, then kneeled in front of

me, took me by the

shoulders and told me.

.
I >>room without knocking, marched right up to where I was
lying on the bed

started yelling.

(you forgot to put and.)

if >for taking her away, angry with myself for not being
able to do , >>>> Every night, I would kiss grandpa
goodnight and climb into and more time at home.  Every
weekend he
him to tuck me in.  He followed me

because

Once again, well done. I hope you keep writing.

                                        kelvin


======
"I claim to all the meanings you find in my stories."
                                                    - Nick
Joaquin

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