Subject: Re: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][lime?] Centaur chapter 3
From: Phil
Date: 9/27/1999, 10:15 AM
To: Vincent Seifert
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

     "KUNOICHI HAIRDRESSER ULTIMATE BAD CUT TECHNIQUE!"

Gee, are all of Konatsu's special attacks really this silly sounding? :)

     "HYAA!"  Ranma and Akane charged in from behind, and a
moment later Ukyo and Konatsu attacked from the front.  Taro
stood his ground, plucking the spatula away from Ukyo and tossing
it over his shoulder with one hand while the other dealt with
Konatsu's maddeningly effective ability to appear to be somewhere
he wasn't.  He had to let his tentacles fend for themselves.  One
came over his shoulder with a struggling onna-Ranma in it long
enough for him to be confident that they were doing all right,
and the grunts and shrieks from Akane were also reassuring.

And quite pleasu-- *ahem*.

I'm sooooo tempted to make some really hentai comments here ...
but I think that one will really do. :)

     "Baka," Akane said fondly.  "I enjoyed it too."

"And the tentacles were kinda fun too."

Doh! Gave in to the urge. :)

     "If you're done congratulating each other, I could use a
hand here," Ukyo's voice drifted up from over the edge.

     "Ack!  Ukyo!  Sorry!" Akane yelped, dashing over and peering
down.  Ukyo had peeled Konatsu out of a Konatsu-shaped impression
in the rock and laid him out as comfortably as she could manage.
Akane and Ranma bounced down and joined them.

Hmm, two Konatsu's in a row - suggest:

'Ukyo had peeled the unconscious kunoichi out of a Konatsu-shaped'

     "Pantyhose-Taro didn't--?"

Perhaps 'Akane stumbled to a halt, suddenly very red-faced.' might
help.

     "We were actually having quite a nice chat when you, er,
interrupted," Kasumi told the others as they arrived.  "I'm sure
Taro would have brought me back tonight, or perhaps tomorrow.  I
know you all had the best of intentions, but there really wasn't
any reason to fight on my account."

'Taro-san'?

     "'...even without a blanket'," Konatsu muttered absently,
writing rapidly in a small notebook.

     "AARGH!"

Note that Ranma never does apologize. :)

     Taro bridled, but forbore to comment.  "He's here as my
guest, Father," Kasumi said.  "I've forgiven him, not that he did
much to forgive, and I hope you will too.  After all, you did
provoke him."

"And I did scream which made it worse and confused Ranmaand Akane into
thinking I was being abducted ... which I was.
But let's just ignore those facts, shall we?" :)

     "Kasumi-chan!  I've neglected you too long!"  Happosai
bounced across the room, swarmed up Kasumi's apron, and latched
onto her bosom.  Goosh!  "What a rack!" he cried happily,
groping.

Hmm, the last sentence doesn't read quite right - may need asubject.

     "Eeegh!"  Ranma's fingers wriggled in disgust, but it was
better than--

suggest 'twitched' instead of 'wriggled'

     "Young... stuff."  All eyes turned; that was Kasumi's voice,
but--  The eyes bulged.  Kasumi was standing with her head down,
her fists clenched, and a modest but definite battle aura flaring
around her.  "Young stuff?"

The Akane impression. :)

     "I'll pound him for you," Taro promised fervently.  He
struck.  Happosai stuck out a finger and stopped Taro's fist,
leaving himself wide open for a perfect time-on-target salvo from
Akane's elbow, Ranma's knee, and Kasumi's foot.

     "YOUNG STUFF?!"  WHACK-THUD-POW!

You know, this entire scene made me picture Kasumi in the roleof Kyoko
Otonashi from the Maison Ikkoku manga. Very well
done.

     Taro, still holding Happosai like a bag of jelly, gulped.
Ranma nudged him in the ribs.  "Speaking from my experience as a
husband," she whispered loudly, "my advice would be to apologize.
A lot.  Now."

'bag of jello'? Jelly, to me, comes in cups and dishes (the dried
versioncomes from bags)

Some thoughts:

I have no problem with the premise - that of Kasumi and Pantyhose
getting together. It's the execution that feels a bit rushed, in terms of
how quickly Kasumi and Pantyhose seem to feel the attraction and
both decide to act on it. Serendipity indeed but is it really suitable?

With Kasumi, it was getting beaten up, then falling while Pantyhose
seems to shrug it off rather casually, then appears very different
when Ranma catched up to him.

I'm not certain what can be done, perhaps forshadowing it in the
earlier chapters might work? Or foreshadowing it in this chapter
with a different main story and bringing up the conclusion in the
next chapter?

Just a few thoughts that I had. The writing was well, brilliant, and
made me green with envy. :) Excellent job. Ultimately, the authorial
decision lies with you but I hope this helps a little.

Phil.

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
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