On Tue, 28 Sep 1999, Phil wrote:
"KUNOICHI HAIRDRESSER ULTIMATE BAD CUT TECHNIQUE!"
Gee, are all of Konatsu's special attacks really this silly sounding? :)
No. Some are sillier. :) I can send you the list if you like; I
compiled it while researching for this chapter.
[Taro] had to let his tentacles fend for themselves. One
came over his shoulder with a struggling onna-Ranma in it long
enough for him to be confident that they were doing all right,
and the grunts and shrieks from Akane were also reassuring.
And quite pleasu-- *ahem*.
I'm sooooo tempted to make some really hentai comments here ...
but I think that one will really do. :)
What a noble sentiment. :)
"Baka," Akane said fondly. "I enjoyed it too."
"And the tentacles were kinda fun too."
Doh! Gave in to the urge. :)
It's pretty much inevitable; the utility of Taro's, um, extra appendages
has long been a topic of speculation. I just didn't want to go there.
Yet. :)
"If you're done congratulating each other, I could use a
hand here," Ukyo's voice drifted up from over the edge.
"Ack! Ukyo! Sorry!" Akane yelped, dashing over and peering
down. Ukyo had peeled Konatsu out of a Konatsu-shaped impression
in the rock and laid him out as comfortably as she could manage.
Akane and Ranma bounced down and joined them.
Hmm, two Konatsu's in a row - suggest:
'Ukyo had peeled the unconscious kunoichi out of a Konatsu-shaped'
Good, thanks.
"Pantyhose-Taro didn't--?"
Perhaps 'Akane stumbled to a halt, suddenly very red-faced.' might
help.
I think that was sort of implied, but I've often found that I've left out
details that should have been included, and this is probably another one
of those... thanks!
"We were actually having quite a nice chat when you, er,
interrupted," Kasumi told the others as they arrived. "I'm sure
Taro would have brought me back tonight, or perhaps tomorrow. I
know you all had the best of intentions, but there really wasn't
any reason to fight on my account."
'Taro-san'?
Oopsie. Good catch.
"'...even without a blanket'," Konatsu muttered absently,
writing rapidly in a small notebook.
"AARGH!"
Note that Ranma never does apologize. :)
Yup. :)
Taro bridled, but forbore to comment. "He's here as my
guest, Father," Kasumi said. "I've forgiven him, not that he did
much to forgive, and I hope you will too. After all, you did
provoke him."
"And I did scream which made it worse and confused Ranmaand Akane into
thinking I was being abducted ... which I was.
But let's just ignore those facts, shall we?" :)
Heh. Call it selective obliviousness if you must. :)
"Kasumi-chan! I've neglected you too long!" Happosai
bounced across the room, swarmed up Kasumi's apron, and latched
onto her bosom. Goosh! "What a rack!" he cried happily,
groping.
Hmm, the last sentence doesn't read quite right - may need asubject.
Or an object, or two objects... ahem. Implicit object, perhaps? Or maybe
it's a gerund...
"Eeegh!" Ranma's fingers wriggled in disgust, but it was
better than--
suggest 'twitched' instead of 'wriggled'
I borrowed this from the anime, actually; something disgusting happens to
Ranma (usually onna-Ranma, and usually Happosai) and her fingers, well,
wriggle. "Twitch" doesn't quite cover it. :)
"Young... stuff." All eyes turned; that was Kasumi's voice,
but-- The eyes bulged. Kasumi was standing with her head down,
her fists clenched, and a modest but definite battle aura flaring
around her. "Young stuff?"
The Akane impression. :)
Interesting to think of Akane as a role-model, isn't it? :)
"I'll pound him for you," Taro promised fervently. He
struck. Happosai stuck out a finger and stopped Taro's fist,
leaving himself wide open for a perfect time-on-target salvo from
Akane's elbow, Ranma's knee, and Kasumi's foot.
"YOUNG STUFF?!" WHACK-THUD-POW!
You know, this entire scene made me picture Kasumi in the roleof Kyoko
Otonashi from the Maison Ikkoku manga. Very well
done.
Give the man a cigar! Yes, I was thinking that too. I have to think that
Kasumi has limits, it's just that no one has pushed her over them yet...
but I think this would do it.
Taro, still holding Happosai like a bag of jelly, gulped.
Ranma nudged him in the ribs. "Speaking from my experience as a
husband," she whispered loudly, "my advice would be to apologize.
A lot. Now."
'bag of jello'? Jelly, to me, comes in cups and dishes (the dried
versioncomes from bags)
Actually, it was Jell-O in the first draft, but I changed it to avoid
the Western influence (and trademark infringement.) Silly me. I'll
change it back, thanks.
Some thoughts:
I have no problem with the premise - that of Kasumi and Pantyhose
getting together. It's the execution that feels a bit rushed, in terms of
how quickly Kasumi and Pantyhose seem to feel the attraction and
both decide to act on it. Serendipity indeed but is it really suitable?
This sort of thing seems to happen a lot in the manga, but so many people
are telling me this that I have to take it seriously. The best idea I've
had yet is to tell more about the day between the kitchen incident and
Kasumi's decision to invite Taro to an omiai, perhaps with incidents that
influence the decision...
With Kasumi, it was getting beaten up, then falling while Pantyhose
seems to shrug it off rather casually, then appears very different
when Ranma catched up to him.
Oops. I put "casually" in there referring to Taro's ability to deal with
Ranma (he's evidently at least as skilled than Ranma is and probably more
so) rather than his emotional state or demeanor. I'll make that more
clear.
I'm not certain what can be done, perhaps forshadowing it in the
earlier chapters might work? Or foreshadowing it in this chapter
with a different main story and bringing up the conclusion in the
next chapter?
I tried to foreshadow Kasumi's state in Centaur 1 and even in Taming. I'm
not sure what the conclusion IS; audience feedback may determine that. :)
Paraphrasing what Gary said, for them to be attracted to each other is
plausible, but it's not clear whether they're suited for each other.
Just a few thoughts that I had. The writing was well, brilliant, and
made me green with envy. :) Excellent job. Ultimately, the authorial
decision lies with you but I hope this helps a little.
Oh, yes. Thanks a lot!
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/ updated 1998Jun04
CSUS hired me to build their network, not to speak for the university.