On Sun, 26 Sep 1999 20:01:12 -0400 KaraOhki <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

Cinders
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
karaohki@snet.net
September 26, 1999

I wasn't expecting to see more of this so soon.
A rather pleasant surprise, to say the least.
The comments that follow, are of course, only
my opinion.

Ranma 1/2 and its universe was created by Rumiko Takahashi, and
belongs to her.  This work of fiction was written for entertainment
only, and is not intended for commercial purposes.


Chapter 2


"You can stay for ten minutes, and that's all.  It's getting late, and
they need to rest.  Try not to wake them."

"Thank you."

I like how I don't know who's speaking here at first.

Nodoka followed the nurse into the room.  For a moment, it looked to
her like Ranma and Akane were sleeping together in a double bed.  Then
she realized that their individual beds were up against each other.

might be better as "... beds had been pushed up against each other."
or something like that.

"Why are the beds pushed together like this?"

she could then ask just why are the beds together like this.
Her tone in how she says this would be very important, considering
what happens later.

The nurse chuckled.

"Your son wouldn't stay in bed.  Every time I came in he was sitting

in 'his' bed might need to be stated, considering the situation.
comma after the second in, I think.

next to Miss Tendo, sound asleep.  Once we moved the beds he stayed

comma after beds

put."

Nodoka nodded.

"I see."

This could be on he same line as previous.
I don't even know if this bit of dialogue is needed.

Two more people appeared in the doorway.  Soun Tendo hesitated for a
moment before going to Akane's side.  He reached down to touch her,
and pulled back.  He'd been told not to.

awkward as is.  How about: "He reached down to touch her, but then
pulled back at the last moment, remembering that he had been
told not to."  

Also, the nurse says nothing to the two of them?

Genma went around to Ranma's side, and looked him over.

consider dropping 'around'

"It's not as bad as I thought it was, thank goodness."

was.  Thank goodness."

Thank goodness is an odd phrase coming from Genma.
How about thank the kami or thank god?

Nodoka took her husband's hand.

And?  Need a little more here.  Like why she took
her hand or some other description to add to this,
because as is it doesn't really do anything.

"Yes, but poor Akane.  I'm afraid--"

She was interrupted when Ranma stirred in his sleep.

interrupted by Ranma stirring

"Akane."

He obviously doesn't shout this, but does he whisper?
A few words on how he says this would really help the
impact of it.

Ranma reached over and felt for Akane's hand.  His expression was
worried, but once he'd located it he relaxed again.  Soun looked at

but relaxed again once he'd

the linked hands and wept.

their linked

"It took this to make him decide."

Does Soun say this?  Then keep it with his paragraph.
Also, it's a bit OOC for him.  Up to this point, he
was sure that Akane and Ranma were in love, all signs
to the contrary.  Might be better if said something
like it took this long for Ranma to finally make
a commitment.

Nodoka whispered something too low for Soun to hear.

"Now it's too late."

Maybe "And now it's too late."

*****

Two frightened girls sat on the roof of Furinkan High School.

Please, just one more sentence of detail here.

"What have I done?" sobbed Ukyo for what seemed like the millionth
time.

have we done?" she's more likely to say, since Shampoo had a hand
in this.

"Airen will never forgive Shampoo."

More likely she'd be looking for ways to get Ranma to forgive her.

Why are they there, in such a public place?  One of their resturants
would be a much better place to meet.

Neither of them noticed that they were no longer alone until Cologne
stepped in front of them.

stepped out in

"I've been all over town looking for the two of you.  Come with me."

Why does she care at all about Ukyo?  And where's Kontesu(sp)?
He wouldn't have rested until he found his Ukyo-sama.

*****

The hospital corridors were dimly lit, and very quiet.  Ukyo and
Shampoo followed Cologne in silence.  Both girls were pale and quiet.
Cologne stopped walking when she saw a man approaching her.

"You're here.  Thank you for coming."

"I would have come in any case, Akito.  I know these young people."

'these' sounds like she's referring to Ukyo and Shampoo with her.
Perhaps 'those' would be clear enough.

"Please go in.  They need your help, especially the young lady."

Cologne nodded and entered the room after motioning for the girls to
wait outside.  She went directly to Akane and uncovered her.

"It's bad," she muttered, "but I've seen worse."

Talk about the understatement of the century!  She's seen people dead.
Might want to mention the burns specificly.

"What are you doing here?"

Again, link the dialogue somehow to who is speaking.  You don't
have to use tags though.

Ranma shot to a sitting position, and suppressed a cry of pain.

"Your doctor is an old friend of mine.  He asked me to help."

"I don't want your help!"

OOC for Ranma.  He has always accepted her help in the past without
reserve, especially when in trouble, even when she had caused the
problem in the first place.

Cologne's staff touched Ranma, and he sank back down onto his pillow.

"Quiet, Ranma."

Wouldn't she say this before touching him?

[Ranma?  She didn't call me Son-In-Law?]  That thought alone was
enough to make Ranma pay attention.

Well, she does call him Ranma in the series, only not often.

"My people have a special salve for burns, one that must be made fresh
every day.  I brought some with me, and the two of you will get some
delivered to you each day until you no longer need it.  It speeds
healing, and helps to prevent scarring."

Cologne placed two jars of salve on Ranma's table and paused, waiting
for him to speak, but he just nodded.

"The doctor has been using my salve for a couple of years now, as part
of a study.  The two of you are lucky they brought you here.  If you
were in a different hospital, I might not be able to bring it to you."

Then Cologne moved to the door, and closed it.

"Ranma, I'm not going to lie to you.  Akane is much worse than you
are, and the salve won't be enough."

are.  For her, the salve alone

Cologne reached into her bag and took out a small pouch.

"I brought this from China in case Shampoo, Mousse, or I needed it.
Since Shampoo was partially responsible for what happened to the two
of you, I feel it is only just that I use it here."

Cologne opened the pouch and poured its contents into the palm of her
left hand.  Ranma's paralysis was wearing off, and he sat up in order
to get a better view.  It looked like sand, but was an intense blue
color.  Cologne closed her eyes and waved her right hand over her
left.  Then she began to chant something Ranma couldn't understand,
and the sand began to glow.

Movement to his side caused Ranma to turn his head.  Akane was awake,
and looking at him.  Her eyes were wide with fear.

"She's here to help, Akane.  Don't be afraid."

[Help?  After what Shampoo did?  Ranma, you must be crazy!]

Unfortunately, all Akane could do was blink at Ranma.

Then Cologne opened her eyes and smiled.  She stepped close to Akane
and held her hand over her forehead.  The sand poured down, but
vanished before it touched her.

For a moment, Akane stiffened.  Then her entire body relaxed and began
to shine, as if there were a light within her.  The color of the light
was the same blue as the sand.  Akane looked at Ranma, and tears began
to slide down her cheeks.  Ranma gasped, and looked at Cologne.

"What did you do to her?"

And what tone of voice does he say this in?

"She's better, Ranma.  For now there is no pain, and this will speed
up the healing process.  You'll see--I saved some for you."

Can't help wondering if there will be some side-effects to this
sand, because as is it's too good to be true and strikes me as
too much of a plot contrivance.  I do think your missing an
oppertunity here by skipping over the healing process though.

Cologne held out her hand.  There were a few more grains of blue sand
in it.  She held it over Ranma's head, and released the sand.  Ranma
watched it vanish as it reached him, and then he felt the relief as it
entered his body and the blue light began to glow from within him.
For the first time in hours he felt absolutely no pain.

comma after hours

"Thank you."

"I have to ask some favors of the two of you."

I know who's speaking here, but I think this dialogue should be
referenced somehow anyway. As well as many other speaking lines
in this.

Akane blinked.

"That means yes.  Two blinks mean no."

"That means yes," Ranma explained to Cologne who was looking at
Akane with some confusion.  "Two blinks means no."

Cologne nodded in understanding.

"Tell no one about this magic.  It's not meant for anyone outside the
Joketsuzoku."

Odd, she's never been worried about this before.

Ranma nodded, and Akane blinked.

nodded.  Akane blinked.

"What else?"

"Shampoo and Ukyo are out in the hallway.  They have something to say
to you."

To who?  To the both of them?  To just Ranma?  To just Akane?

Akane's eyes flashed.

Blink blink.

"She doesn't want to see them."

I'd think Cologne would understand this herself by now.
Ranma would probably still explain though.

Cologne sighed.  "I was afraid of that.  Akane, please let them come
in.  No one will harm you."

No harm will come to you."

"Damn straight they won't!"

"Ranma, you have my word."

Ranma turned to Akane again.  She blinked once.

"Okay."

I'd think that after nearly getting killed Akane would need a little
more convincing than this.  She's never come so close to death before,
except perhaps the whole Saffron thing.

*****

Cologne waited until the blue light faded from Ranma and Akane's
bodies before she opened the door and invited the girls inside.

Ukyo had seen Ranma angry many times.  So had Shampoo.  Neither of
them had experienced the full force of his anger upon them.  As they
entered the room it felt as though the temperature had dropped below
freezing.

Ranma's anger before has always been hot and quick.  I don't think
he's ever burned with a cold anger before so this would be a new
experience for them.  It would make them very wary.

"Ran-chan."

"Airen."

"Don't call me that."

Which one?  Both?

Ranma sat there, his bandaged hand over Akane's.  His fury was almost
visible.

But before you said it was cold...

"Cologne said you wanted to see us.  Well, here we are.  Whatever it
is you have to say, say it and get out."

Ukyo gulped.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you!  Honestly!  I just didn't want you to
get married...at least not if it wasn't to me...but I didn't want to
hurt anyone...I'm so sorry!"

Her words trailed off as the tears took over.  Ranma looked a little
less grim, and looked from Ukyo to Shampoo.

grim as he glanced from Ukyo to Shampoo.

"Is same for Shampoo, Ranma.  Did not think Ranma want to marry Akane,
so Shampoo make much noise and stop wedding.  Was mistake.  Shampoo is
sorry.  Ranma can punish Shampoo, if that is what Ranma wants."

I don't think she would say 'was mistake' as she still would believe
that the wedding should have been stopped.

Shampoo was near tears, but stood straight, bravely accepting whatever
Ranma had to say.  He sat for the longest time, saying nothing.  Then
Akane squeezed his hand.  He tore his gaze from Shampoo, and settled
it on his wife.

"What is it, Akane?  Is there something you want me to do?"

Blink.

"I wish you could talk to me."

Ranma thought hard.  Akane had a hot temper, but she also had the
ability to forgive.  She'd forgiven him enough times for his
stupidity.  Is that what she wanted?

I don't know which is more OOC, Akane forgiving Ranma or Ranma thinking
that Akane forgave him.  In the latest translated manga, Akane blames
Ranma during the entire onsen race that he didn't choose to go with
her.  There were times that she comes close to forgiving him, but
then Ranma always screwed those up in a comic manner.  The only people
Akane ever really forgives is people she pities for some reason,
like Ryoga or Mouse.  Ranma is probably convinced that she holds
everything he's ever done wrong against him.

"Do you want me to forgive them?"

Blink.

I have two problems with this.  The bigger one is you passing on a
great potential conflict where Ukyo and Shampoo have to find a way
to earn Akane's forgiveness.  It's also pretty OOC for Akane, who
sees Ukyo and Shampoo as rivals and would not forgive them of something
this big this easily.  Coming close to making Saint Akane here,
which is a bad thing since perfect characters are a lot less interesting
than flawed, human ones.  It's not just her own life that was nearly
ended here, but Ranma's as well.

Ranma smiled and kissed Akane's forehead, ignoring the gasps behind
him.

"For Akane's sake, I'll forgive you.  You're damn lucky she's alive to
tell me what to do."

Also OOC for Ranma, since he tends to forgive something almost right
after it has happened.  He's much more likely to forgive the two
than Akane is.  Both of them had tried to kill or seriously injure him
in the past and Shampoo made Akane forget him for a time.

Ukyo sniffled, and wiped her eyes.  She started toward Akane, then
stopped and looked at Ranma.

"May I?"

May you what?

"Yes."

Shampoo followed Ukyo, and they approached the bed.  Ukyo stopped
short when she saw the extent of Akane's injuries, and Shampoo bumped
into her.  They both turned white as the knowledge that they were
responsible for the devastation before them sank in.  Ukyo's hand went
to her mouth, and she fled to the bathroom, where everyone could hear
her being very sick.

Okay, what about the magic sand?  I thought that was supposed to heal
them up.  Also, I can't really see Ukyo getting sick like this.  A
girl that's been pretty much living on her own for ten years would
be pretty tough, even though bad burns look horrible.

[I can't go back out there.  What would I say to them?]

She's already been forgiven.  What's more to worry about?

Ukyo washed her face, and rinsed out her mouth.  She looked at herself
in the mirror, hating her own reflection.  There was a knock on the
door, but she ignored it.  Then a voice came from the other side.

"Ukyo, are you okay?"

She slowly opened the door.  Ranma was standing there.

"I...I"

Ranma held out his hand, and Ukyo collapsed against him, sobbing.

"Oww! Take it easy!"

She tore herself away.

"I'm sorry!  I didn't mean--"

"I know you didn't."

Cologne had been watching from the doorway.  She came forward, and
took each girl by an arm.

"It's time we left.  Ranma, Ukyo and Shampoo will take turns bringing
the salve to you."

"That's fine."

Ukyo made an attempt to smile.  It wasn't very successful.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Shampoo's self-control finally crumbled, and she began to cry.

"Shampoo will make medicine herself.  Will be very best."

Well, wouldn't it be better if Cologne made it?

She looked so forlorn that Ranma couldn't help smiling at her, and
patting her arm.

"Thank you."

*****

"I don't hurt, Akane.  Do you?"

Blink blink.

But later she says the pain was reduced to a five...

"Maybe you should get some sleep."

Blink blink.

"You want to stay awake?"

Blink.

"But it's the middle of the night!"

Akane just looked at Ranma.  He looked back, unable to think of
anything to say.

[This is gonna be an awfully quiet marriage if I don't learn how to
talk.]

that should be 're-learn' or something since she knew how to talk
before.

His eyes scanned the room in search of a topic, and came to rest on
the jars of salve.

"I wonder how this stuff works."

Here's a hint:  apply to burned area.

The overhead lights went on, and their nurse's voice responded.

I thought it was the middle of the night.  What is the nurse doing
seeing them at this hour?

"That's my job."

The nurse started with Akane's face.  She only had a few burns there,
because Ranma had pressed her face against him and protected her.
Soon they were covered with a clear, reddish-tinted salve.  She
started to close the curtain between the beds, but Akane blinked her
objection and Ranma translated for her.  It was pretty evident to
Ranma that Akane got agitated when he was out of her sight.

When the nurse uncovered Akane and removed her bandages, Ranma began
to get embarrassed again.  He couldn't tell if Akane was, because her

Again?  When was the first time?

cheeks were already tinted red from the salve.  What did concern him
was that she began to struggle against her restraints.

"Can't you untie her?"

"I think so.  She's not violent, and she must be getting pretty
stiff."

Ranma fought to keep a straight face as he watched the nurse release
Akane's restraints.  Akane not violent?  Then he saw what Akane was
doing, and his half-smile faded.

Akane was holding her arms up and looking at them.  Then her hand flew
to the control buttons on the handrail, and she brought herself to a
sitting position.  The movement brought her pain, and she winced.
Then she looked down at herself for the longest time as she watched
the nurse apply the salve.  When she raised her head, Ranma could see
that tears covered her face.

[No wonder Ukyo was sick.  Why didn't they let me die?]

Huh?  This is a very strange thought coming from Akane,
who never considers her mortality before.  She constantly risks
her life without ever considering the consequences.  I need more
of her thoughts to believe this.

"Akane, don't cry."

"Miss Tendo, try not to be upset.  Cologne's medicine is very
effective.  You should see a difference in a day or two."

Akane nodded, and her tears began to slow.  The nurse gently dabbed
the tears off her face.  She was trembling all over.

[Please, don't let her be lying to me.  I'm so scared.]

"She's Mrs. Saotome, not Miss Tendo."

"Pardon me?  Her records say Akane Tendo.  That's why we had to bend a
rule or two to put you in the same room."

"We were married this morning.  There's no way you could separate us."

The nurse bit her lip, and continued applying the salve.  She was

not quite sure why the nurse bites her lip here.

quiet until she had finished working on Akane and covered her again.
Akane had stopped crying by that time and was lying there quietly,
staring at Ranma.

[Thank you, Ranma.  You may say the wrong thing most of the time, but
you didn't this time.  I wish I could talk to you.]

The nurse picked up the other jar, and moved on to Ranma.

"You poor kids."

Ranma waited until the nurse had finished treating him and left the
room before he lowered both bedrails.  Then he leaned over Akane and
kissed her forehead.  He remained in that position, with half his body
in her bed, sharing her pillow.

"Try to sleep, Akane."

She blinked, and raised a hand to his cheek.

[I love you, Ranma.  I'm so sorry we can't have a real wedding night.]

Akane no hentai!  Hehe.

Akane closed her eyes before Ranma could see the tears in them.  He

Ranma could see her cry.

held back his tears until he was sure she was asleep.

Ranma slept.  So did Akane.  The combination of pain medication,
Cologne's magic and salve, and sheer mental exhaustion finally allowed
them several hours of rest.

They would need it.

*****

Nabiki rushed through the automatic doors before they were fully open.
She ran to the elevator and pushed the button.  By the time it arrived

I want her to do something a little more than just 'push' the button
here, since she's in such a rush.

she was so impatient that she nearly ran down the people trying to
exit.

*****

Ranma didn't like spoons.  He liked chopsticks.  Unfortunately, he
couldn't hold a pair of chopsticks with a bandaged hand.  He used the
spoon.

So he used

Akane watched Ranma.  She could tell how frustrated he was whenever he
failed to pick up what he was trying to eat.  Then he laughed softly,
and looked at her.

"I don't know why I'm trying so hard to eat this stuff, Akane.  It's
pretty bad."

Odd for someone who's had Akane's cooking stuffed down his throat to
say.  Ranma is an eating machine, if it's edible, it's gone.

He ate what he could, and pushed the tray away.  A young man came in
and went over to Akane.  Ranma could see the words "Respiratory
Department" on his ID tag.

"Mrs. Saotome, we're going to wean you off the respirator."

"Mrs. Saotome?  Today, we're going

"What does that mean?  Will it hurt her?"

The therapist looked at Ranma.  "It means I'm going to adjust the
machine so that for every four breaths, it will take three, and she
will take one.  In a half hour or so, depending on how she does, we'll
make it two and two.  Before the morning is over she should be
breathing on her own."

The therapist was making the adjustments as he spoke, and Ranma saw
Akane jump as she took a breath by herself.  Then the respirator took
over, and did the next three breaths.   Ranma could see that Akane had
become very tense.  So could the therapist.

"Relax, Mrs. Saotome.  You're doing just fine.  I'll be back to check
on you in about half an hour."

Hmm...I'm not exactly sure, but I would think that the therapist would
stay there a little while longer to make sure there were no problems.

He exited the room as Nabiki entered it.

"Mrs. Saotome?"

*****

"Yeah.  You got a problem with that?"

Why the scene change when the scene didn't change?

Nabiki pulled up a chair, and sat beside her sister.

"Actually, I don't.  I came to tell you what's going on at home, but
maybe you should go first."

should explain first."

"The priest came with us in the ambulance.  We got married on the way

He married us on the way

to the hospital."

Nabiki smiled at Ranma in a way she never had before.  A genuine,
loving smile.

"That's wonderful, except for one little thing.  It's not legal."

Akane choked.  The alarms went off on the respirator, and a nurse
rushed into the room.  Ranma was nearly frozen with fear.  The nurse
ran around him and up to Akane.

I keep getting these manga-like images popping into my head when
reading this.  Just now I imagined Akane, with mallet raised high,
inching towards Nabiki and dragging the resperator behind her.
Not exactly keeping with the tone of your story, though Akane's
reaction here is very believable.

"Calm down!  Just relax, and you'll be all right."

After a few seconds Akane calmed down, and the rhythm of three
respirator breaths and one human breath resumed.

"What caused this?"

Who does she ask?

"She got upset."

Who responds?

The nurse glared at Ranma and Nabiki.

"Well don't upset her again!"

Pretty unprofessional nurse getting upset herself.  She would more
likely calmly ask them to refrain from doing anything that would
upset the patient.

Akane grabbed Ranma's arm.  It hurt her hand, but she held onto him as
if her life depended on it.  Ranma gently disengaged her fingers, and
held them gently.

"That hurts, Akane.  Nabiki, what do we need to do to make it legal?"

"Normally?  You'd go down to City Hall and fill in the paperwork.
Transfer Akane to the Saotome family register.  With the two of you
stuck here, it will be a little more complicated."

Not sure of how it is in Japan, but considering their ages, they
might need their parents' signatures as well.

"Ow.  How much is this going to cost me?"

"Nothing.  I told you yesterday that I was going to make it up to you
for ruining your wedding, and I keep my promises.  Just leave it to
me."

Nabiki paused, and looked down at her lap.

"Actually, I think getting the two of you married might be the easy
part.  It's just that...you have to be prepared for how the family is
going to react."

The family?  Which one then, the Saotomes or the Tendos?

"What the heck do you mean, Nabiki?  They've been pushing us to get
married forever!"

Geez, it's only been about a year.  Hardly forever.

"Not any more.  As of this morning your father has engaged you to me."

comma after morning

This time Akane managed not to choke.

"Ranma, I don't mean to upset you or Akane, but I have to tell you the
whole story.  This morning your parents came to the house, and
explained that last night they and Daddy agreed that the engagement
between you and Akane should be broken."

As she spoke, Nabiki could see Ranma holding onto his temper.  When
she paused, he said only one word.

"Why?"

Nabiki looked pained.

"I'm sorry.  Your mother said that Akane wasn't an acceptable bride
anymore, because she was `damaged'.  Daddy was upset, but he agreed.
That was when they informed me that I was to be your wife."

Genma would be pushing this as well.

Ranma's control snapped.

"Damaged?  Akane is a woman, not a piece of furniture!"

Little too elequent for Ranma.  How about : "Damaged?  Akane isn't
a piece of furniture!"

Akane began to cry again.  She was so tired of crying.  [How could
Auntie Nodoka do that?  I thought she liked me!]

I'll mention here that except those few points I've noted, I find
Akane and everyone else to be very in character.

Ranma got out of bed and began to pace, which was a little difficult
with the IV pole.

Nah, that's why the poles have wheels.  Okay, not all of them do,
but considering how much Ranma has moved around already, they'd
be likely to give him one.

"I can't believe Mom would SAY something like that!  I can't believe
she'd THINK something like that!  I can't believe they'd DO this to
us!"

Nabiki sighed.

"Why not?  We've always treated you like a piece of property instead
of a person.  I'm so sorry, Ranma.  I'm surprised you don't hate me."

"No, I don't hate you."

Ranma paused, looking grim.  "I'm not going to marry you, either."

Nabiki ignored the barb, and got up.

Wasn't really a barb.  Fact that he doesn't want to marry her doesn't
make her a bad person or anything.

"I'm going to get started.  The sooner I get the two of you married,
the happier I'll be."

Not to mention that the parents will stop trying to force Ranma
on her.  Nabiki is being a little too selfless, even considering
the situation.  She would almost defensively admit some self interest.

She paused, and lowered her voice.

"Do me a favor.  Get the staff to stop calling you Mr. and Mrs.
Saotome.  Tell them to call you Ranma and Akane.  If our parents get
wind of this, we're in trouble.  I'll handle it at home."

"You'll handle what at home?"

"Let's say they're in a hurry to separate you.  I'm going to slow them
down."

I'd think that they would at least wait until they were out of the
hospital.

It had taken her the entire length of her visit for Nabiki to work up
enough nerve to really look at Akane.  She moved closer.  The nurses
had told her not to touch her sister, but she desperately wanted to.
Akane looked so lost--covered in bandages, with that horrible machine
breathing for her.  She looked behind her into the hallway and then at
Akane's face, trying to find a spot that wasn't smeared in salve.

"I'll see you soon, Akane.  Just concentrate on getting better."

She kissed her sister's forehead.  Akane blinked once.

"What?"

"It means yes, Nabiki.  Akane's agreeing with you."

Nabiki looked from Ranma to Akane, and back again.  The two were so
close that they'd even worked out a means of communicating.  There was

Please, it wasn't that difficult.  Someone like Nabiki is unlikely
to be impressed with something so simple.  More likely she'd be
impressed by the level of trust they show in each other.

no way anyone would stop her from getting them together.  She ran
around Akane's bed and up to Ranma, where she skidded to a stop.

"Take good care of her, Ranma.   I'll be back soon."

Ranma's eyes opened wide when Nabiki kissed his cheek.  She grabbed
her purse and ran out the door without looking back.

Rest of the story looked too good to have any comments on,
other than I'm looking forward to what will happen in
the next chapter.

Ammadeau

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