On Mon, 27 Sep 1999, Phil wrote:
Oh, my. What went around, came around, eh? :)
Vincent Seifert wrote:
Kasumi flinched, but then her expression became determined
and she slid into stance, guarding the doorway. "I'm very sorry,
but I can't let you destroy my kitchen. Not again. Please
excuse me, Taro-san."
'a stance'
Yeah, that's what a prereader said, too. I think "slid into stance" reads
better, but I guess I'm outvoted.
Taro shrugged. "You asked for it--" He struck at Kasumi, a
simple sweeping open palm to knock her sideways while he darted
forward. Kasumi slipped inside it, pivoting, and Taro ran into
the wall instead of through the door.
How does he run into the wall? Kasumi doesn't touched him (unless
itsimplied?) and she's still in front of the doorway - suggest:
'slipped inside it, seized his shoulder and pivoted gracefully. Taro ran'
That's a question of style. For the fights in Centaur 2 I used a more
"blow-by-blow" description than previously, and some people commented
negatively on it, so now I'm back to a more "describe consequences, not
actions" style. It's also easier to write, and probably easier to read;
byt the time I got through with Centaur 2 I was a little tired of writing
rhythmic-gymnastics fight scenes...
So, yes, I meant it to be implied. If it doesn't work I'll try something
like what you suggest. Good catch.
Pantyhose-Taro looked down at the woman he'd just felled,
then looked at his hand, then looked up at Ranma and Akane
converging on him like avenging angels. Retreating, he absently
deflected Ranma's lunge into the table at the end of the hallway,
blocked Akane's flying kick and dropped her ungently on top of
Ranma, then turned and fled through the main room.
Again, the action doesn't read quite right - suggest:
'blocked Akane's flying kick, grabbed her foot, and dropped her'
Or maybe "... kick so that she fell on top..." since I don't mean to imply
that he was suspending her, and that's apparently how it reads. Thanks.
Akane was up first, but Ranma passed her as they cleared the
veranda and caught Taro before he could jump the wall. Akane
flung herself into the affray. Wham! Thump! Crash! Splash!
Taro leapt over the wall and was gone. Ranma stood up in the koi
pond and glared after him. "Goddamn Pantyhose-bastard!" She
turned to Akane. "You okay?"
'fray' perhaps?
"affray: syn. brawl, row, fracas, altercation, melee." I just wanted an
alternative to "fight" that sounded good. I use "fray" later. :)
Pause. "YOU want MY advice?" said Akane incredulously.
"That's a switch."
"Well, there are things you know a lot more about than I do.
Love. Marriage. Um... men."
"Yeah, they're all jerks! Oh, wait. That's boys."
She's come a long way, hasn't she? :)
There was a brief pause, then a snort. "He's a rude,
inconsiderate baka who never thinks before he talks. He's my
sensei and my best friend. He's my whole life, and I don't want
to think about living without him."
Very sweet. :) Nicely done.
*bow* I live to WAFF. :)
"Oh, my. Is that love?"
suggest: "Oh my. That must be love." or "Oh my. That sounds like love."
"I guess it must be...."
following from above - suggest: "I guess so...."
Well, I'm trying to put across here that Kasumi doesn't really know, so it
would be the latter suggestion.
"First sight," Kasumi mused. "Yes, you did get quite a good
look at him in the bath that first day, didn't you?"
"It wasn't like that! HE got a good look at ME, the lecher!
He... um... well... now that you mention it, I-- stop it, Kasumi,
I can HEAR you looking at me that way! Yes, I got a good look,
all right?"
"And?"
"And boy, was he hung! Just like his namesake!" :)
heh. Akane definitely was looking "down there", it's true. Admitting it,
on the other hand...
"It's true, though," Kasumi whispered. "I hear you and
Ranma at night, and some afternoons, and occasionally in the
morning--"
"Though I really wish you wouldn't use the kitchen..."
*makes note of idea for future reference*
"That son of a bitch," Ranma muttered to himself, scanning
the night from the apex of his leap. "Where's he hiding-- ah!"
He caught a glimpse of purple in the cone of a streetlight and
changed course, bouncing rapidly into a small park. "Hey,
Pantyhose-Taro!"
Taro straightened hastily, brushing at his forehead, and
tried to look like he hadn't been pounding it on the large
concrete pig that adorned the playground. "Hey yourself, girly-
boy," he greeted Ranma. "I thought you'd show up for some more
punishment."
You know, I was expecting a "Don't call me that!" or something here.
There are enough of those later, I think. I tried not to duplicate any
exactly. :)
"Before, moron. You saw everything that happened after."
Taro lowered his hand and sighed. "I never noticed before she
stood up to me, but she's pretty, too."
"And a great cook," Ranma added, then caught himself; an
awful suspicion dawned on him.
"And a great cook. Why do these things happen to me?!
Curse you, Happosai! Another chance at happiness, ruined!"
Hmm, Pantyhose sounds rather like Ryoga at this point: in fact,throughout
the entire scene - if that was your intent, along with
the pig statue, well and good, but otherwise it doesn't seem IC
for him. (Not that I really know what's IC for Taro)
Well, I think Taro is like Ryoga in certain respects; he's not quite as
shy around girls, but he has a similar tendency towards melodrama and
posturing. See manga v. 23 pp. 13-16, where he flees from a succession of
girls he's just rescued rather than tell them his name.
The concrete pig is visible on manga v.32 p.26. I stole LOTS of this
chapter right out of the manga. :)
"Yeep!" Ranma cringed away with a horrified expression.
"Yah!" maybe?
Not horrified enough, sorry. :) This is the sound that accompanies the
full-body cringe: "Hiiii!" in Japanese.
"You talk tough for half a man," Taro riposted. He read the
writing on the outside. "Damn. She's back to calling me
'Pantyhose-Taro-san'." He extracted a sheet of paper from the
wrapper, unfolded it, and peered at the writing, tilting it to
catch the light from a streetlight.
'wrapper' makes it sound a bit like a candy bar - suggest: 'packet'which
you used before or 'envelope'
"envelope" is correct, but it's not one of the glued-up ones; it's a sheet
of paper wrapped around the folded letter and folded over on the ends to
hold it. I'll just go with "envelope" and hope people get the right
image, I guess.
"Father! It's not like that at all!" *I almost wish it
were....*
Heh. Must be all those built-up and repressed hormones. :)
Precisely. Kasumi's libido is affecting her judgment somewhat. :)
Ranma sighed, reached out a slender arm, and slammed Soun
back down into a seated position. "Cut it out, Tendo-san," she
told her astonished father-in-law. "Just listen to her, will
you?"
Hmm, can't really see Ranma doing this - perhaps it would be bettercoming
from Akane (who has verbally toasted her father before)
Marriage has put a bit more backbone into Ranma; he's a son-in-law now,
not a guest. This changes his relationship with Soun and Kasumi; Nabiki's
still resisting. :)
"For the moment. Good thing today was a half-day...."
Akane followed Ranma's leap to the street and dash to the front
gate. Ranma jumped over the gate, but Akane went through, just
because she liked the gate.
Too many gates - suggest: 'dash to the front of the Tendo house.Ranma
jumped over, but Akane went through, just because she
liked the gate.'
Okay, thanks.
"I prepared something as well," Kasumi said. "I'll just be
a moment." She rose and shimmered out of the room. The others
heard a quick exchange of whispers in the hallway, and then Akane
came through, blushing.
'shimmered' makes me think of 'shimmied' which is most inappropriate -I'd
suggest a different word.
Aww. Jeeves used to do it all the time. :)
"Father! What happened?"
I assume this is Akane here - perhaps "Daddy!" would sound better
Well, all 3 Tendo daughters refer to and address Soun as "Otousan"; I
choose to translate this as "Father". I know Viz doesn't...
"Kasumi's been kidnapped," Akane managed. "Whew. Pantyhose-
Taro flew off with her."
"What? Why would someone kidnap Kasumi?"
Didn't Akane just mention it was Pantyhose? - suggest:
"Why would he kidnap Kasumi?"
Mmm... that's not quite what Ukyo's trying to say here; she's surprised
that Kasumi was kidnapped at all, not that it was Taro who did it. How
about "Why would anyone kidnap Kasumi?"
"Hey, he's got a point," Ranma broke in. "Listen, Ukyo,
Konatsu's good. We can use him. Heck, if I had to choose
between you and him, I'd pick him--"
CLANG!
Heh. So very Ranma - loved it. :)
Not only is it true -- Konatsu is very skilled -- but it echoes the
"okonomiyaki or Ukyo" choice many years before, and the choice of
Akane over Ukyo more recently. Bad timing, bad phrasing, ouch.
Ranma watched Taro jump down from the veranda and storm
across the rocky ground towards them. They'd made their way to
the base of the overhanging promontory, looming over the sea,
where the old shrine stood. Akane had easily leapt over the
rushing stream that had once kept her captive, and they'd scaled
the trap-strewn gully to the plateau at the top. Akane had
issued the challenge-- they'd had words about that on the way--
and now they waited for battle.
'looming out over' perhaps?
Good, thanks.
"PANTYHOSE-BASTARD!"
"PANTYHOSE - YOU BASTARD!" ?
No, that's the "Pansuto-yarou!" epithet with a little added moxie; see
translation notes.
Whups. Ran out of time. Rest later. Hope this helps for now!
Absolutely. Thanks a lot, and I'm looking forward to more!
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
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