Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:

This chapter's for Gary Kleppe, who said "Go for it!" when I
mentioned this on FFIRC.  He's never been comfortable with my
portrayal of Kasumi; maybe this will make up for it...  :)

Hah! Think you can wheedle a C&C by mentioning me by name? Fat chance!
Not gonna fall for that!

    Kasumi put the last clean dish away and turned to survey her
domain.  The sink and countertop sparkled in the electric light,
everything was neatly put away, and the towels were drying on
their racks; the kitchen was ready for the night.  In the morning
it would come alive again with the presence of its mistress, and

Sure you want to use "mistress?" It's got some rather unfortunate
connotations.

    "I know."  Kasumi sighed.  "I suppose I thought practicing
kempo these last few months made me a fighter, but now I know I'm
not, and I doubt I ever will be.  I don't have the edge that
Ranma has, or that you have.  I suddenly realized it was for real
and I panicked, and that's when he hit me."  She omitted the
other reason she'd panicked; fortunately, the dark hid her blush

>from Akane.

    "I don't get it."

    Kasumi smiled ruefully, unseen.  "Well, perhaps it's never
happened to you; you ARE a fighter."

Yeah, but she ought to know exactly what it's like to get into a fight
and find herself out of her league.

    "No, Akane!  That's not what I meant!  It's a joyful sound.
It's life, and maybe soon new life, and I see you glowing
afterwards, and it's so clear how good he makes you feel.  I'm
glad.  It's just... it's just that I want that for myself, too."

I'd expect her to be considerably embarrassed at saying something like
this out loud. It's quite a difference from the usual image she
projects.

    "Oh.  Well, as long as you're not hoping to get it from
Ranma, I wish you all the luck in the world," Akane said
cautiously.

I think she'd be saying this flippantly, if at all. Kasumi's already
said that she hasn't that sort of interest in Ranma, and this strikes me
as a pretty severe accusation to make against someone she's always
trusted.

    "Now wait just a darn minute, Kasumi.  You can't be thinking--
my god, you are."

    "Well, why not?  If you could learn to love Ranma's faults,
perhaps I could learn to love Taro-san's."  Kasumi paused to give
Akane a chance to comment, but Akane appeared to be unable to say
anything.  "And when we were, um, fighting, it was... well...
thrilling.  I don't know if I love him, but he certainly has an
effect on me."

    "Argh.  My big sister has the hots for Pantyhose-Taro.
Kasumi, you baka."

    "I'm sorry you feel that way," Kasumi said, hurt.  "It came
as a surprise to me too, and I'm still not sure how I feel about
it.  I was hoping for your help."

Hrm. My gut feeling here is that you're jumping the gun on this. While
you might be able to make a case for Kasumi being interetsed in
Pantyhose, it's not convincing to me at this point. If anything, I think
her feelings would be very conflicted: intrigued by a man who doesn't
treat her like a delicate flower, afraid of what he might do to her,
embarrassed that she's feeling a schoolgirl crush on someone who treated
her so roughly, unhappy that she might never be able to satisfy her
mothering instincts and a little disgusted with herself for feeling this
way, etc. etc.

Akane might be a bit more taken aback by this, too. I mean, her sister
seems to be interested in a guy who just beat her up. I could see her
saying "Oh, yes, Kasumi, I understand how you feel. If you really want
to, of course I'll help you get together with Pantyhose" and then going
out of her way to try to get Kasumi together with *other* guys, trying
not to be obvious about it and failing miserably.

    "Before, moron.  You saw everything that happened after."
Taro lowered his hand and sighed.  "I never noticed before she
stood up to me, but she's pretty, too."

    "And a great cook," Ranma added, then caught himself; an
awful suspicion dawned on him.

    "And a great cook.  Why do these things happen to me?!
Curse you, Happosai!  Another chance at happiness, ruined!"

Seems a bit odd for him to make this kind of swing around Ranma. he
might well feel this way, but why is he saying so?

    Taro casually whacked Ranma over the head.  "Of course I
can, moron."  He paused.  "What's an 'omiai'?"

"It's a phrase Kasumi says all the time. Don't worry about it."

    "Hmm, let's see... Garter-Taro was my first thought.  He
actually seemed to be considering Teddy-Taro, but then I
suggested Negligee-Taro, and that's kept him until now."
Happosai blew a smoke-ring.  Taro seethed.

Hey, Teddy's actually a reasonable name. If I were Pantyhose, I'd go
with that one fer sure.

    Ranma hadn't been sitting long when sounds from upstairs
heralded the appearance of the other principal.  Akane came into

"Aloha, keiki! I goan' change dat name to PINEAPPLE Taro, yeah?"

    The men ignored them.  "Hah!" Happosai scoffed.  "Any fool
can see that Pantyhose-Taro has fine prospects!"

    "Nonsense!" Soun declared.  His glance raked contemptuously
over Taro.  "He's a penniless wanderer with no family, no
education, and no employment!  Tell me, young Taro-san, how will
you support your family if I allow you to marry my daughter?  Eh?
Eh?  Hah!  You see?"

Doesn't Kasumi have some sort of reaction to this?

    Akane smiled and touched Ranma's cheek.  "I love you too,
Ranma.  But I told you: I want to go with you wherever you go.  I
want to fight by your side."  She left out the rest of what she'd
said that night, knowing Ranma remembered it: *"If I die, I want
to die in your arms.  Don't you DARE take that away from me
because you want me to be safe!"*

Nice that you're continuing the character development that your started
in TotH.

    "That's him," Ranma agreed, speaking for the first time.
"He's an asshole, and he's a pretty good martial artist, but he's
not a killer, at least."

    Ukyo smirked.  "Sorta like you, then?"

    "Hey!"

    By that time Akane had her breath back.  "You know, that's
pretty close to the truth," she said in a surprised tone.

    "Hey!"

    "No, really.  He's, well, harsher than Ranma, probably
because he's had a harder life, but he's really a decent guy
underneath, just like Ranma."

This seems just a little too obvious -- a way of saying to the readers
"Pantyhose isn't so bad, because Ranma does some of the same things as
him." While there's certainly some validity to this point, I think you
could make it more subtly.

    Konatsu, clad in his patched kunoichi's garb of faded red,
straightened.  Taro's jaw dropped.  "There's no Spring of Drowned
Ninja Girl!" he objected.

How's he know? Maybe there is.

    "'...even without a blanket'," Konatsu muttered absently,
writing rapidly in a small notebook.

Heh.

    Happosai turned, saw his reflection in the tarnished brass
and silver mirror, and froze.  Tears formed in his wide eyes and
rolled down his wizened cheeks.  "Oh, what a fool I've been!" he
sobbed.

    "Hah!" Taro exulted.  "Now you regret giving me this silly
name!  Well, you can atone by giving me a new one, a good one--"

    "Don't be silly," Happosai snorted.  "I don't regret that
one bit!  What I regret is all the opportunities I've let slip
by!  Well, no more!"

Heh heh heh! Very appropriate reaction.

I'd say that the second half of this went better than the first. The
beginning seemed a little too eager to rush the idea of
Kasumi/Pantyhose. It can probably work, but there's some very real
impediments that need to be fully considered. I'd suggest making Kasumi
more conflicted about the way she feels about Pantyhose in the
beginning, perhaps more time spent developing her feelings toward him
and also maybe more opposition from Akane and the others. Either that,
or maybe make Kasumi's feelings totally mysterious and let the others
think she's gone crazy or that she's desperately launching onto the only
guy she knows, then by the end you can show that it's not so crazy after
all.

Just my 2 yen here. Oh, and since people are understandably sick of me
plugging the translated manga project ^_^ lemme stick in a plug for the
upcoming audio version of Taming of the Horse, the prequel to this fic.
It's under construction, and auditions for all the roles are being
sought. For info, go to <http://nabiki.newberry.edu/radioplay/>.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html