Pardon the lateness of the reply - it's been a busy day. :)

Grayson Towler wrote:

Kaji Awanai sat on the gunwale of the small harbour tug and
enjoyed the night breeze blowing gently upon Tokyo Bay. On

certain nights, when the waters turned crystal clear, he

fancied he could see right into the heart of the harbour. On
one such occasion, he was certain he had seen a legend. A
mermaid, boldly female with a tail of silver scales. She had
blown him a kiss, flicked her tail, and vanished, leaving
him forlorn.

"He'd charged her, knife and fork ready, hoping to carve out
a meal of immortality... but alas, she escaped.  He didn't
know how lucky he'd been."

Heh. You know, mermaid flesh apparently tastes like chicken.Or so I've
heard. :)

Bay." Michi paused to smile at the viewers. "Do we have the
equivalent of the gaijin monster 'Nessie'? Or is it Gojira

I don't know how often the term "gaijin" is used in Japan
one way or another, but I've always thought it was at least
a little derogatory.  Your newscaster might simply say
"Scottish monster."  It sounds more professional, anyway.

Quite right. I'll try "Scottish monster 'Nessie-san'?"

thing in his life. They would all be planning on using it
for their own ends, even her little sister. For a moment,
she was thankful she hadn't managed to contact Kodachi.
Then, she remembered the lost yen involved. She shook her
head to clear it of all the annoying thoughts.

I like Nabiki's internal monologue here.

Thanks.

Ukyo Kounji awoke sweating from a night spent tossing and
turning restlessly. It wasn't the fact that she'd just
learned that her fiancee was a half-demon that disturbed
her; after all, he was a half-girl as well as rude,
arrogant, ate for free, and seemed content to string her
along despite their engagement. It was that the entire
meeting with Ranma's mother had forced her to look at her
unsatisfactory life yet again. What did she see in Ranma
anyway? Oh, that's right. She loved him - the macho,
undersexed idiot. If only he'd see her as a girl, rather
than as just a best friend, she thought wistfully.

An interesting characterization of Ukyou.  In your story, she's
actually aware of Ranma's many personality flaws.  That puts
a different spin on her - while I tend to see her as an young
romantic in love who looks at the object of her affection through
rose-colored lenses, I find your version to be intriguing.

Well, I've always figured that running a business alwaysmakes someone more
savvy (unless they go bust :).

Ukyo's always willing to accept Ranma when he's been
defeated or down-on-his-luck (witness the Weakness
Moxibustion and Gambling King stories) and the
fantasies that she has of married life with Ranma always
seem to end up with him being grateful to or supported
by her: this implies, to me, that she recognizes some of
Ranma's faults at least (arrogance and ingratitude/
ungraciousness).

Of course, she does see these faults through rose-
tinted glasses of love, which means she might not
be consciously aware of her own observations, and
they just show up unconsciously in her fantasies.
But I've chosen to make it so that she is aware
and loves Ranma enough to ignore them (though
she still wants to change them later as any wife
would :)

Well, this is my take on Ukyo's character anyway,
and is based on a lot of assumptions, theories and
not much detail from the manga. It's just an
opinion. :)

But... "undersexed?"  How exactly does she mean that?

He's called her cute, seems to get along better with herthan Akane, but
refuses to take the next step despite
rather obvious hints from her and a formal engagement
between them. Perhaps 'undersexed' isn't quite the
right word here though. Any suggestions?

something that all." Shampoo smirked confidently. "Great-
grandmother go back to village to get Shampoo marriage
released. Shampoo tell Ranma this when is time. Want tell
you now so you no get wrong idea. Shampoo and Ranma still
be destined together, if not why he son of cat-demon and
Shampoo have cat curse? Ranma is Shampoo's. Spatula Girl
stay away if know what good for her."

I like this intrigue you're setting up here about whether
Shampoo is acting on her own or whether Cologne had a
plan.

Shampoo: Ranma, you I love!

Cologne wriggles her right hand in various contortions, and
uses her left to make some adjustments. She eyes the result
critically.

Kasumi: Oh, hello, Elder. My, that is such a lovely puppet
of Shampoo. So realistic and life-like. Did you make it
yourself?

Cologne sweatdrops slightly.

"Watch out for the traps!" Kodachi called out in warning as
she watched Ryoga flee. She looked at the debris around her

I picture Ryouga running at full speed with several bear traps
clamped onto him and such.  A funny image.

Heh. That image has me laughing as well. :)

and smiled slightly - not a single piece was within a foot
of her kneeling body. "What a delightful secret Akane's
little pet has. I wonder if she knows. Surely, she must."

Now that's funny.

:)

She tilted her head fetchingly in contemplation, staring at
the bath and envisioning a muscular form that was no longer
there. "Then again, why can't I have them both?!
Ohohohohohoho!!" The laughter pealed out and chased after a
distant figure, who was intent on finding a clothing store.

Ryouga and Kodachi!  I'm all for it, at least in this context.

It's a fun setup.

She sat back, stunned at her intuitive flash of insight, and
reconsidered all of their sparring, their arguments and
their insults in a new light.

"Akane? You okay?" Ranma asked.

"Huh? Oh, fine," she said hastily. "I just realized
something."

Very nicely done.  Much better than the possible mushy
scene which could have happened.

Eew. Ick. Mush. *scrape* *scrape*

"Geez, Pops, cut the crap, willya? What about Ucchan's yatai
and her engagement to me? Not to mention teaching that
dangerous technique to the Kumons, or the time you took me
to visit that-murflggh."

Well, teaching the dangerous technique to the Kumons did
present Ranma with an adversary he had to stretch himself
to face later.   But as for the other stuff...

Though, of course, Genma didn't intend for such an outcometo occur when he
offered the Kumons the technique in
payment (while Genma is sneaky enough, that implies a
great deal of forethought and a very long-range plan). I
don't know.

He suddenly stopped and cocked his head, his right ear
twitching involuntarily.

"Mom's here," he said suddenly.

"Nodoka-sense is tingling!" Ranma whispered.  "Danger!"

Ranma gulped, face paling. "Mom's still got that katana withher. I can hear
it rattle. Oh, wait, she's not testing me
anymore." He wiped a hand over his relieved face.

"What are you talking about, boy? Your mother will be
judging you until the day you die," Genma said grumpily.
"That's what she does to me."

"Huh? Why? I could do it on my own." He grabbed another
cookie. "But I guess it'll be cool to show off my new powers
in front of Ryoga," he added, eager to put another one over
his rival. "But why the others?" His gaze slipped to Akane,
before quickly sliding away.

My guess is that Ranma is simply assuming that he's going
to develop some new powers here, and is just spouting off
at the mouth.  I recommend throwing a little bit of reaction
there, though.  Akane and the others ought to be incredulous
and probably a bit disdainful.

Nods. True enough.

"Magic helmet."

"Yes, Magic Helmet... and I'll give you a sample!"

???

"I'm okay, Ranma. I don't know what came over me," Akane
said wanly. "It's like everything built up and up, and just
erupted. Poor Ryoga. I'm glad you two didn't get into a
fight."

"Nah, no chance of that happening. I've been in that
position too many times to just pound on him." He laced his

Suggest that this is a moment where Ranma has a chance
to do a bit of one-uppism.  "Unlike SOME people, I don't
always go jumpin' to conclusions..."

Nods. It was a bit too sweet for Ranma and Akane, wasn't it?

going. I guess it should be okay for you to come along. Quite
." He gagged on the word safe.

Your period jumped down a line.

Actually a ... I'll alter it.

piles of mouldy scrolls 'belonging' to his father. "Perhaps
one designed to conceal you?" he hazarded a guess.

"Perhaps" sounds funny out of Ranma.  Oddly formal.

Yup.

"Huh, I didn't know you could speak in proper form, sugar,"
Ukyo whispered.

"Lot you not know, Spatula Girl. But truth is Great-
Grandmother give instruction before she leave for home,"
Shampoo whispered back.

Hints at the idea that Cologne really does have a plan.  Of
course, that WOULD be the more dramatic choice...

Most definitely. :)

"Easily done!" Ranma leapt back into a defensive stance and
awaited his opponent's first move. Then, a sharp, powerful
voice rang out and distracted him.

Gah!  This monster seems insanely powerful.  And Ranma
is up to challenging him?  Has he lost his mind?  I mean,
I understand he doesn't back down from challenges, but
THIS seems like a bit much.  Maybe if you indicated that
either Ranma really does have some plan or he's betting
hard that his new powers will kick in... but as it is, the whole
thing seems a bit overwhelming.  The monster is just too
damned big...

I'll add in a part where he does have a plan.

all present. "Interesting. How interesting! I recognize you
. Shukumaru!"

Punctuation jump there.

"Kodachi," Ryoga murmured softly without much surprise.

On the other hand, the others were shocked to their core, to
say the least.

"What the hell? Kodachi?" muttered Ranma.

This reads kind of strangely.  Ranma isn't surprised, then the
others are shocked, then Ranma gets surprised again?

Ryoga isn't surprised in the earlier part since he's seen herin Devil Hunter
costume before.

"Leave this to me, Ranma-sama, Ryoga-sama. I shall quickly
slay this demon and then we shall retire to the Kuno manse
and partake in a feast and indulge all our senses." She
waved again before looking back to Shukumaru.

Ha!  You have a great gift for writing Kodachi's style of speech.

Thank you. It's great fun. :)

Still, she's handling the presence of this giant sea serpent
with a rather astonishing degree of aplomb.

Noted. I added one.

"Look, Ranma," Ryoga snapped, "it's bad enough you've got
other girls panting after you. Why can't you let someone
else save a girl for a change?"

"Hey, I just reacted, okay?" Ranma answered peevishly.
"S'not my fault you're so slow."

"Oh, boys," Kodachi purred as she snuggled into Ranma's arms.
"There's no need to fight over me. I have more than enough
love for the two of you."

I love this bit.

It flowed so naturally when I wrote it, that I felt a shiver rundown my
spine. :)

"Rose Girl is just like demon," added Shampoo, snidely
looking at the Devil Hunter.

I've got a thought about rephrasing this, if you can work
it in.

AKANE:  "Kodachi... and the demon..."
UKYOU:  "That's definitely a case..."
SHAMPOO:  "... of fighting fire with fire!"

Kodachi sniffs disdainfully.  "Stooges," she mutters.

This would be great for a Omake. I'll see what I cando.

- - - -

Really enjoyed this chapter.  The only part that I'd suggest you
reconsider is the size of that sea monster - I mean, that's just
immense.  It's mere speech would shatter glass for miles.  Have
you ever heard an elephant trumpet up close?  Multiply that by
about ten million times for something this size.  Yaaargh.  It was
just hard for me to believe that our crew could carry on any sort
of dialogue or conflict with one another (or any other enemy) when
something at least thirty times longer than Gojira is sitting there
looking at them.

Heh. Actually, I had it as a mile originally, but changed it thinking thatit
wasn't impressive enough. :)

Anyway, other than that I really liked the chapter.  Some of the
decisions you've made with this story have delighted me.  There
are a lot of stories out there - a surprising number, actually - in
which it is revealed that Kuno and/or Kodachi are not what they
seem.  They're inheritors of some great secret, guardians of some
important something-or-another, or whatnot.  Many of these stories
are excellent.  However, a common theme seems to be that
once the secret is revealed, Kuno and/or Kodachi cease to behave
like themselves.  It was all an act to cover up their secret.

Nope, I'd never do that - they're too delightfully 'Kuno-esque' tochange. :)

I love the fact that your Kodachi is still Kodachi.  Maybe the pressures
of growing up as a Devil Hunter even helped create her... unique
personality (especially since she seems to have no noticable
maternal influence, which is supposed to be important for Devil
Hunters).  She's still the Black Rose - and I find that I really like
her.  Well done.

*bow* Thank you.

I also like the way Ranma handles the revelation of his heritage.
I see too many portrayals of Ranma in which he bemoans his
"crazy life" and, deep down, really wants peace.  Your Ranma
is rattled, but he's also psyched - a whole new world of challenges
and powers are unfolding before him, and he wants to try his luck.

That's exactly right. Ranma never let's anything get him down,except the
time he lost his power through the Weakness
Moxibustion (which implies to me that he's strength is integral
to him and anything which would add to that would be
cautiously welcomed)

Very excellent work so far.  I look forward to more.

Forthcoming soon and thanks for the great comments!

Phil.

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless