<Insert Usual Disclaimer>

All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.
 

Kaji Awanai sat on the gunwale of the small harbour tug and
enjoyed the night breeze blowing gently upon Tokyo Bay. On
certain nights, when the waters turned crystal clear, he
fancied he could see right into the heart of the harbour. On
one such occasion, he was certain he had seen a legend. A
mermaid, boldly female with a tail of silver scales. She had
blown him a kiss, flicked her tail, and vanished, leaving
him forlorn.

{I don't suppose this is the same variety of mermaid whose flesh has one
chance in a thousand of granting immoratlity, is it? :) }

The Devourer of Ships lurked the deeps of Tokyo harbour.

lurked in the {?}
 

An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami

Chapter 2: Sea Legend Umibozou

master's face. Two other seamen rushed to restrain him,
pulling him back from the shaken harbourmaster. "You have to
.." he continued brokenly as he was dragged away.

to..." {and try to prevent the line from breaking there, if possible.}
 

Nabiki switched it off and rewound the clip. She watched it
again, taking in Awanai's reactions, and then a further
three times. Finally, she stopped it and stood up. Ranma,
she decided, had better see this. Hmm, she mused. Now, that
thought brought back echoes of the reactions from Nodoka's
announcement last night.

{This is very interesting: it seems that Nabiki is placing herself
solidly on Ranma's "side", where before she had little interest in his
conflicts save to exploit them. It's a sensible thing to do, mind you,
in light of Ranma's true nature, but Nabiki always seemed to eschew the
more exotic implications of the magic that follows Ranma around,
preferring mundanity and cash.}

life. Her father had bawled, and then said that since Ranma
was already half a man, it wouldn't make much difference for
the marriage.

{Ow.  That's hitting Ranma right on a very sore spot.}

As for Shampoo, Nabiki had seen the crafty glint in her eye.
She wondered what the Amazons were planning. Cologne had
quickly left after the revelation of Ranma's father when it

{suggest} revelation of Ranma's true paternity {as is, it could parse
that Ranma's father is delivering the revelation...}

became obvious that Nodoka wasn't about to say more. She
had a feeling that trouble would come from that quarter.

No, the person most affected by the announcement had been
Ranma himself. Nabiki headed for the dojo. That was where
he was this morning.

{Suggest cutting last sentence; it's unneeded.}

For a brief moment, all she wanted to do was turn over and
go back to sleep, then a knock on her bedroom door sounded.

{suggest} sleep, but then

"Ukyo-sama," came the soft, feminine voice of her resident
kunoichi, "there's someone here to see you."

{Is Konatsu going to be a significant character too? I hope so;
Konatsu's cool. :) }
 

"Shampoo no want anything, Spatula Girl. Come to say
something that all." Shampoo smirked confidently. "Great-

something, that all."

grandmother go back to village to get Shampoo marriage
released. Shampoo tell Ranma this when is time. Want tell
you now so you no get wrong idea. Shampoo and Ranma still
be destined together, if not why he son of cat-demon and
Shampoo have cat curse? Ranma is Shampoo's. Spatula Girl
stay away if know what good for her."

{Actually, Shampoo does use pronouns, at least in Japanese. :) This
particular fanfic cliche appears to be due to the fact that in Japanese,
proper nouns can be used where pronouns would be used in English, and
this has been perpetuated by Viz. Also, Shampoo refers to and addresses
Ranma as "Airen" as well as "Ranma".}
 

"Hey! How dare you just come in and ..." Ukyo trailed off as
the purple-haired Amazon ignored her and flounced out of the
shop. Why that sly minx! Still, her words bore thinking

Why, that

 

Then, she shook off the cold which seemed to have settled in

{suggest just}  She shook off

her bones. It didn't matter, she decided. No matter what he
became, she would be there by his side. She'd lost him once,
but she would never let that happen to her again.

"Cut that out, piglet." A soft, sleepy voice giggled. "That

{suggest "Stop that" or "Desist" rather than "Cut that out", which is
more Ranma-speak than Kodachi-speak. Also} piglet," a soft,

tickles, you know."

Ryoga's eyes snapped wide open. Sultry, dark eyes, framed by
Kodachi's smiling face and lustrous black hair, scrutinized
him calmly. His body tightened apprehensively, trotters
clasping at the smooth surface below him, and she giggled
again. Out of the corner of his eye, he realized that the
'cushy pillow' seemed to be a silk-covered mound of fine,
womanly--

{heh.  I saw this coming.  :) }

Blood erupted from his snout in a rising arc, and
consciousness started to leave him. "Ick, really! Do you do
that all the time?" He heard Kodachi say. "I do wonder what

time?" he

She tilted her head fetchingly in contemplation, staring at
the bath and envisioning a muscular form that was no longer
there. "Then again, why can't I have them both?!
Ohohohohohoho!!"

{Excellent. :) I wonder what Ranma's reaction will be; this could be a
repeat of some of the attitudes he showed in the Reversal Jewel story,
or perhaps Jusendo made him a bit more, er, focused.}

 The laughter pealed out and chased after a
distant figure, who was intent on finding a clothing store.

{Or a towel, or even a figleaf...  :) }

Akane cleared her throat noisily. "What the heck do you
think you're doing? We're supposed to be ..." she trailed

be..."  She

off uncertainly as something oddly familiar about the entire
scene struck her: this was how Ranma and his father always
acted towards each other. She suddenly realized why it was
happening this time - Ranma was trying to come to grips with
the fact that Genma wasn't his real father as such, but he
was willing to fall back on their old relationship in the
meantime, and Genma ... Genma was willing to do the same.
She sat back, stunned at her intuitive flash of insight,

{Me too. Akane's usually thick as a brick about stuff like this. It's
plausible that, since it is a) blatant and b) happening to someone else,
it's perceptible to her this time, though.}

 and
reconsidered all of their sparring, their arguments and
their insults in a new light.

{Very good, Akane.  Now take it one step farther... :) }

>From the doorway of the dojo, Nabiki watched the scene
appreciatively. She had observed all three of them in
silence and picked up on Akane's reaction. You're finally
growing up, sis, she thought. Things weren't always as

Sis,

"Ansou. Ansou Shihaisha. He asked Nodoka to call him that.
Yami-no-tsume is his name amongst demons." Genma sighed.
"Look, boy, I know I wasn't a good father to you but

you, but

everything I did was to improve your skills as a martial
artist. I pushed you hard many times because of one reason.
Before he died, your real father told us the name of his
enemy ... and yours." He crossed his arms, looking sober.

"Shukumaru," Genma said softly. "That was the name he gave.

{Since I'm one of two writers of Fire Tripper fanfic on the list, this
gave me a double-take. :) }

so. It was meant to last just long enough for you to assume
you powers and reclaim the domain. But it might already

your powers

have run out."

"So that's why you put Ranma through all that 'training'?"
Akane asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yes, everything I did on that ten-year training journey was
to ensure that Ranma would stand a chance against this
enemy," Genma said, nobly looking off into the distance.

{heh.  Truth, perhaps, but not whole truth.  Very Genma.}

"Aunty, how nice to see you again. I was just about to take
these to Ranma, Akane and Uncle Saotome out at the dojo."
Kasumi gestured at the tray she was carrying. "Please join

{Suggest, since she's probably using two hands to carry the tray}
Kasumi gestured with the tray she was carrying.

us."

"I would love to, Kasumi. That would be quite perfect."

They walked in companionable silence to the dojo. Nabiki was
sitting on the dojo porch and staring up at the cloudless
sky. She turned to look at them as they approached. "Hello,
Aunty," she said coolly, "Ranma and the others are waiting

coolly.  "Ranma

for you." She stood up and dusted off her clothes before
stealing a cookie from Kasumi's tray.

"Have you seen the morning news?" she asked the gathered
group. Everyone bar Nabiki shook their heads in negation and

{suggest} everyone save Nabiki

confusion. She turned to Nabiki. "Would you happen to have
it on tape?"

Nodoka nodded. "Yes, indeed. I suspect that it'll be vitally
important actually. Why don't we take a look now?"

important, actually.

"What was on the news, Aunty?" Akane said as she liberated a
few cookies and a glass of milk from Kasumi. "Thanks, onee-
san." She smacked Ranma's hand which was sneaking back for

{Akane addresses Kasumi as "onee-chan".}

more despite having a mouth full of the heavenly baked
goodies. "Really, Ranma. Finish what you have first."

"But it's been eighteen years, Aunty," pointed out Kasumi.
"Surely he would have shown up beforehand."

{suggest just} before." {or} before now."

his rival. "But why the others?" His gaze slipped to Akane,
before quickly sliding away.

Akane before
 

Ryoga bashed his head against the brick wall, ignoring the
flying dust. He rested his forehead in the depression formed
by the head-butt. The credit card nestled in his innermost
bandanna had reclothed and re-equipped him,

{Credit cards seem at once too mundane and too convenient for Ranma 1/2,
but up to you...}

 but his mind
kept wandering back to that scene in the bathroom. Akari, he
thought desperately. He had to remember her. But then, he'd
never seen her like that - the towel barely covering her
nude body and exposing her silky-smooth limbs. Arrrghhh!
Akane, Akari and now Kodachi! What was wrong with him? Why
was he such a--

{Two-timer? Three-timer? :) After v38, though, Ryoga's pretty much given
up on Akane.}

"Ryoga?" Akane said softly. "Are you all right?"

{Akane addresses Ryoga as "Ryoga-kun".}

"Ryoga, I wanted to ask you a question. If you knew
something about someone close to you, something horrible,
what would you do?"

P-chan, Ryoga's mind yammered in fear. She knew about him
being P-chan. There was nothing else that she could mean.

{Bwahahahaha!  Excellent.}

Bleak depression crashed down upon him. Life wasn't worth
living anymore. Ranma, that swine, must have told her all
about it. Wait, what was that sound? Crying? But surely ...
He was more than startled when he felt Akane's sobbing body
crashing into him.

{"crashing" suggests more than once, and I don't think you want to go
there. :) Suggest "crash" instead.}

"Hello, Ryoga. So nice to see you again. Are you enjoying
yourself there?" The calm, cool voice was Ranma's but he

Ranma's, but

had never sounded like that before. A thrill of fear touched
him as he looked up from Akane, still drowning her sorrows
into his shirt and oblivious to everything else, to see
Ranma's steely eyes glaring at him.

{Yup. That's the other result of Jusendo. Under "normal" circumstances,
Ryoga can beat Ranma perhaps three times out of five, but give Ranma a
reason to go all-out and Ryoga may get what Saffron got... and Ryoga
knows it.}

"Are you feeling better?" Ranma said as he removed the cold
compress from Akane's forehead. For once, they had been left
alone in her bedroom though Kasumi bustled in with food,

bedroom, though

tea, medicine, laundry, and a miscellany of other items
every once in a while.

{Is she wearing a "chaperone" nametag?  :) }
 

He looked unhappy. "Yeah, we are. My mom's probably right.
One of my ... father's old servitors. Ryoga and I are just
waiting for Shampoo, Mousse, and Ukyo to show up before
going. I guess it should be okay for you to come along. Quite
.." He gagged on the word safe.

"safe".
 

"Thanks, Ranma," Akane said, eyes aglow with enthusiasm.
"You won't regret this, I promise."

{Famous last words.  :) }

The soft footfalls echoed against the walls of the massed
warehouses on the harbour-front. The solidly built buildings

solidly-built {but suggest, to avoid "built build"} solidly-constructed

loomed darkly in the shadows cast by the light of the waning
moon and the dim glows provided by a number of lonely street
lamps. Apart from the footsteps, the silence was
overwhelming. In fact, it was eerily so. No-one seemed to be

No one

around the place. Where were the dockside guards? The night-
shift workers? Tokyo Bay itself looked strangely empty. It
was never that crowded, with most shipping traffic stopping
at Yokohama instead. But there should at least have been

instead, but

some patrol boats, harbour tugs, trawlers, or even a couple
of liners or cargo transports.

{suggest} or freighters.

Shampoo shrugged without much concern. With Mousse out of
the way and the Nekohanten currently closed, she had a lot
more free time to chase after Ranma. Challenging a demon was
a cheap price to pay for that.

{That's Shampoo, all right.  :) }

Ranma frowned momentarily, then focused back onto the
problem before them. They had taken the train to nearby
Minato and walked the rest of the way to the harbour. Now
what, he wondered.

what? he

"Gah, it looks like a scene from that horrible gaijin remake
of Gojira," Ryoga muttered in dismay. The entire group
hastily leapt back towards shelter to avoid the huge wave
and the certainty of cold water spraying everywhere.

{Some with more fear, er, enthusiasm than others. :) }
 

The foaming wash covered the dockside. Ranma stepped forward
cautiously as the water diminished and rolled back into the

{Suggest "subsided" rather than "diminished"}

bay.

"Mortals!" The deep, gravely voice sounded a bit surprised

gravelly

to see that the intruders were mere humans.

"Mighty one, demon of five-thousand-years, whose name is
known to the Amazons of Joketsuzoku who live within the
heart of China, Great Umibozou, I greet you." Shampoo paused
to watch the serpent preen its scales and flukes, glorying
in her praise. She hid a smile. "Know that before you stands
one who is heir to the throne of the Demon Lord of the East.
He is Yami-no-tsume's own son and proclaims his might to all
who would seek to serve or defeat him. I present to you,
Great Serpent, one whose name shall be written in the
heavens and the hells - Ranma Saotome!" She stepped back
gracefully, unobtrusively trodding on Ranma's foot to cue

treading  {Nice speech.  You, not the Joketsuzoku.  Well, them too. :) }

him, and backed away.

the serpent's golden eyes. Still, he sweated a bit when he
noticed out of the corner of his eye, a large hump - the
size of a small island - break the surface of the bay's
water out in the distance. That was over three miles away,

{...or five kilometers.  They use metric in Japan, yes?}

he estimated, feeling slightly stunned. The Orochi had been
one thing but just how big was this thing anyway?

"You are the heir to Yami-no-tsume? A mere human?!"
Umibozou's bass voice thundered its own disbelief, then he

{"its"? Does this refer to the voice?  If not:} his own

paused and scrutinized Ranma further. "No, not a mere human.
Still, you hardly have the power to hold what you have, much
less seek my service, mortal."

"Hah, set me a challenge then, serpent! I'll show you how
good I am. I'm Ranma Saotome, heir to the Saotome Anything
Goes School of Martial Arts and I never back down from a

Arts, and

challenge!" Ranma trumpeted his complete assurance in his
own ability. A rolling bank of clouds covered the moon,
throwing dark shadows across the harbour-front.

"Arrghhh!" Akane whispered through gritted teeth. "Doesn't
he ever learn?!"

{He keeps learning he's right.  What do you expect?  :) }

"You are brave enough, mortal. Very well, then. Defeat me,
Ranma Saotome, and I shall grant you my powers!" Umibozou's
eyes glittered fiercely in anticipation, and he opened his
jaws fully in a toothsome smile, revealing row upon row of

{suggest, since "toothsome" means "delicious"} toothy

jagged teeth. Ancient ship timbers, mere splinters in that

{suggest, to avoid repetition} jagged fangs.

vast maw, came crashing down onto the dockside.

She stood tall and proud, with a figure that many men would
have found seductive and many women would have been greatly
envious. Long, white hair cascaded down to her waist and

many women would have greatly envied.  {?}

cold, blue eyes stared out from a face framed by exotic
black markings. The tips of pointed ears peaked out from the

peeked {although "peaked" is a cute pun, I suppose}

waves of hair and long claws extended from her fingers,
denoting an inhuman heritage. Her skin was alabaster white,
pale as snow, and she was as beautiful as ice.

"You shall be my opponent, Ranma Saotome!" she emphasized.

Umibozou's laugh gusted out in deep booms, nearly deafening
all present. "Interesting. How interesting! I recognize you
.. Shukumaru!"

...

"How horrid!" burst out Akane. "To kill someone who loved

{"Horrid" sounds more like Kodachi.  Suggest} awful!"

you!" She was ignored by the two demons.

Another voice shattered the tense moment of silence.

---

{Scene break not neded here, IMO.}

"I think not, demon!"

Everyone looked up at the new figure, standing on the roof
across from Shukumaru. A figure in a form-hugging black

Shukumaru: a {?}

dress with a prominent yin-yang symbol outlined on the front,
and carrying a glowing coiled whip.

"What?! A Devil Hunter? Surely, they don't exist anymore,"

Surely they

Ukyo wondered out loud.

"I, Kodachi Kuno, 106th generation Devil Hunter of the Kuno
Clan shall be the one to return your foul soul to the hells."

Clan, shall  {and this really calls for}  hells!"

"Ryoga-sama?!!!" yelled the rest of the group. "How the heck
did that happen?!" Ranma asked in shock.

Ryoga blushed a brilliant shade of red and twiddled his
thumbs nervously. "Ahehehe ... I don't really know."

{He never does.  :) }

"Leave this to me, Ranma-sama, Ryoga-sama. I shall quickly
slay this demon and then we shall retire to the Kuno manse
and partake in a feast and indulge all our senses." She

manse, partake of a feast, and

waved again before looking back to Shukumaru.

"Partake in a feast?" repeated Ukyo with some asperity.

"Partake of {matching above}

"Indulge all their senses?!" echoed Akane with growing anger.

"Crazy Rose Girl sure know how to piss everyone off,"
finished Shampoo, hands clenched tight over the handles of
her bonbori.

{"Yeah! Who's going to indulge MY senses?!"  :) }

Ranma knew he was in trouble. The leap had been reflexive
and powerful, and that had been the problem. It had been way
too strong, exceeding all his expectations, and now, he was

now he

stuck in midair without the capability to redirect his
motion.

the impact. This would be really bad. Then, a black circle

Then a

appeared before the imminent death-blow, silhouetted against
the brilliant light like a solar eclipse. "What?!" exclaimed

{suggest} like the moon eclipsing the sun.  {Been there, seen that.  :) }

Ranma.

"Look, Ranma," Ryoga snapped, "it's bad enough you've got
other girls panting after you. Why can't you let someone
else save a girl for a change?"

"Hey, I just reacted, okay?" Ranma answered peevishly.
"S'not my fault you're so slow."

"Oh, boys," Kodachi purred as she snuggled into Ranma's arms.
"There's no need to fight over me. I have more than enough
love for the two of you."

{Oh, my.  What a great exchange.  Applause.}
 

"Dear me," observed Kodachi. "And I did think there was too
much evil energy around the place too."

place, too."

{Yes, it's coming from a writer who thinks cliffhangers are fun! Argh!}

5) 'Shukumaru' - this is a little play on names, taking the
'shuku' from 'shukuteki' which means 'archenemy' or 'nemesis'
- 'teki' meaning 'enemy' and 'shuku' meaning 'destiny' or
'fate', thus literally: 'destined enemy'; 'maru' comes from
'Sesshomaru' who is Inu-Yasha's fully demonic half-brother
in that series.

I'll have to look up the FT Shukumaru and see which kanji he uses.
 
Good chapter. Pacing and the balance of humor, drama, action, and
romance all fine. A few characterization glitches, in my opinion, but
nothing fatal.  Keep it up!

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
CSUS hired me to build their LANs, not to give away the homeworld.