On that note, very special thanks to Reid Carson who, though not a
pre-reader, has done an amazing job of catching my many mistakes. With C&C
like that, who needs pre-readers?
Aw, shucks.
This post includes new material at the end since the last entry I sent to
the ML, and numerous tweaks throughout. Doing without a post this time,
hope the formatting works. Later, gotta work on the second half!
Biggest formatting thing is the old smart quote problem.
flared, the result of an idle poke at the source: but the sudden intensity
I think a semi-colon works better than a colon here.
He kicked a wayward pop can lying on the street and watched it bounce,
clattering, down the street. How did it happen, he wondered, why did they
I'd eliminate the repetition of 'street'. Perhaps change the
second occurrence to 'pavement'.
And then, with little awareness of neither time nor distance having passed,
either time or distance (though
little is not a true negative, it's essentially acting as one here, so you
don't need the negation of 'neither')
Junk, all of it.
Carefully closing the box, he tenderly returned it to its position,
I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I really like this
juxtaposition.
the bed�s sheets, basking in the suffusive peace that warmed her body. The
bed-sheets,
A less buoyant Akane steadfastly entered the dining room, where she was
I don't think 'steadfastly' is right - steadfast means, 1: a : firmly
fixed in place : IMMOVABLE; b : not subject to change <the steadfast doctrine
of original sin -- Ellen Glasgow> 2 : firm in belief, determination, or
adherence : LOYAL. Only the last one seems close, and frankly I think the
connotations are wrong. I'm not sure what's better - 'determinedly' perhaps.
about you -- you skipped breakfast, right? Let�s stop at the Mister Donut,
Shouldn't that be Donut-san? :-)
her donut little solace, and she wondered how anyone could expect her to
Spelling 'doughnut' as 'donut' is one of my pet peeves - just ask my
kids - of course, it might seem natural since they're at a Mr. Donut. Hmmm,
actually, do they have Mr. Donut shops in Japan? Perhaps you could simply
have them stop at a coffee shop that serves doughnuts. Okay, okay, it's
petty, I realize. It's just that 'donut' and 'thru' are right at the top
of my list of things that make me cringe, and no, I don't care if they're
listed in the dictionary, the bloody dictionary's wrong! Ahem. Yes, I was
in a lot of spelling bees as a kid, and it left its mark. So sue me. :-)
jock exterior, he�s a pretty nice guy -- never tell him I said that, by the
way -- but you can do _so_ much better, sis.�
An interesting perception, and an accurate depiction of Nabiki's
point of view, I think. I do have to wonder who she thinks would be a
better choice of the boys they know. I also think she doesn't truly
appreciate the choice that lies before Akane, the choice that Ranma
symbolizes - again, that seems quite in accord with Nabiki's character.
Nabiki lives in the mundane world, and, as you describe so well in this
section, revels in it. That's one reason why stories describing any sort
of relationship between Nabiki and Ranma have never seemed particularly
believable to me.
seams stretched; where the jacket made most boys seems either formal or
seem
stifled, it simply looked cool stretched too-taut across his chest, cuffs
rolled back and flared, collar flipped up but front unbuttoned beyond school
policy. Raking calloused fingers through lanky blond hair, the Furinkan
youth took a step -- Hiroshi could only interpret it as threatening --
towards the pair. The pop of cracking knuckles sounded ominously in the air
Reading this description makes me see Uehara as a sort of cross
between Kuwabara and Yusuke from 'Yu Yu Hakusho.'
hoped, and perhaps once people accepted her again as �Akane Tendo, second
grade, single, yougest-sister, likes martial arts,� as opposed to �Ranma
Do you perhaps mean 'second year', or 'junior' here? And that should
be 'youngest'.
the club of it�s masculine lead. Not that he ever kissed her, of course,
its
piles of clothing growing before her and awaiting inspection. Akane knew a
thing or two about clothes; she had quite the sizable wardrobe herself; but
Mostly in Nabiki's closet, of course.
without straining. Then she thought, What�s wrong with me, who cares how
Since you're not placing thoughts in quotes, I don't
think "What's" should be capitalized.
strong she is, what does it matter? A year ago I never noticed these kind
of things.
"these kinds of things" or better, "those kinds of things"
or perhaps best of all, since only the matter of strength has been
mentioned particularly, "that kind of thing."
attributed a disjointedness and surreality to her current activities.
I think 'contributed' works better here.
into the life of others. Had he not been here for nearly a full year and a
lives
snippet memories (near kisses, a fleeting touch of hands, defiant
protectionist cries) overwhelmed her, and for the first time of the day she
'defiant protectionist cries' - "Boycott American computers, damn it!"
for another night,) but deep rest eluded her. Why, especially after such an
night),
or motives and desires. Perhaps one day she and Ukyou would be good
friends, and tonight may have been the first step in that direction: but at
this should be 'tonight might be' since it ain't over yet.
her own reasons, she assured Akane, and not out of filial kindness), the
'filial' refers to the relationship of a son or
daughter, not a sibling - you could just use 'sisterly'
went well -- mostly. Many friends came, Sayuri, Yuka, Hitomi, and even
do you mean 'Hiromi' here?
thing had dominated his time, intense, single-minded training; but each
time:
Certainly not of Furikan, and of those who had betrayed him.
Furinkan
steam that flowed nearby. The water was icy-cold, he knew from previous
I certainly hope that's a 'stream'.
to shameful feminine trickery due to a lack of confidence in his woman�s
body�s abilities? Again his mind began to draw together abstract ideas and
'in the abilities of his female body' sounds a little less awkward.
confusion and hurt of recent events, that wall of hesitancy that had always
hindered and made any attempt to speak honestly with her had simply
disappeared. At a cost, of course. . . what else had been lost?
There's something missing. 'that wall ... that had hindered and
made any attempt' what? Fail? Fruitless?
curling up to his breasts as he released a deep sigh that seemed to resonant
resonate
served to only heighten his isolation: but now, truly isolated with noone
That damn Peter Noone sneaks in everywhere! 'no one'
within an unknown distance, he understood how the former paled in comparison
'no one within an unknown distance' sounds odd.
to the second. At least in Nerima, there were voices to be heard other than
latter
negatively. Now _there_ was a reason to go back: Kasumi�s cooking. He
Oh, man. Akane's unconsciously trying to sabotage his return, and,
unknown even to herself, she's picked one time when Ranma's really not
going to be in the mood.
Excellent as always. I've mentioned before how much I'm interested
in the theme represented by the title of this work, a theme that has
become increasingly clear with each version of this chapter I've read.
Re-reading some of your other works, I was struck by how often it's come
up before - "Reflective Snapshot", "An Exciting Life"/"A Normal Life",
"Sketch One", "One Bad Day", but this is your best treatment of it yet.
Puts me in mind of Michael Scott Rohan ("Chase the Morning", "The Gates
of Noon", "Cloud Castles").
Reid Carson
rcarson@rcarson.com
rcarson@mnsinc.com