Hiya!
Let me say first-off: thank you for the terrific C&C you've
given. It's very, very much appreciated (certainly helped
me to learn a good number of grammar and punctuation
points).
I agree with pretty much all of the C&C, Vince (it was
most comprehensive), so if you don't mind, I'll skip
over those parts and respond to the comments that
needed a response.
Vincent Seifert wrote:
C&C is most welcome.
Oh, good. :)
C&C-seekers, take note: pure ASCII, wrapped at 60 columns, from an
active list participant who doesn't post much spam.
Aw, shucks. :)
That's not why I'm commenting on this, though; this puppy whacked me
between the eyeballs and made me WANT to comment... which is another way
of saying that it's a) a good story, b) to my liking, and c) needs a bit
of polishing and lots more chapters. :)
*Bow* Yes, more will be forthcoming. Chapter 2 is already one-thirdwritten
(of course, the last two-thirds will be much harder :). I have
plans for all the future parts up to Chapter 8.
<Insert Usual Disclaimer>
OK. All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.
And taken as such.
I've seen Grayson's comments, and I'll try not to overlap too much.
You know, when I first saw both Grayson's and your comments, myfirst
reaction was thank you, thank you, followed by: where do you
all get the time? This, of course, made me all the more grateful. :)
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 1: Inheritance
presence. The overpowering aura was so close that Ryoga
could almost feel the hot pants of air that his hunter
{suggest} hot blasts {"hot pants" makes me think of something entirely
inappropriate. :) }
Heh. I had the same thought when I was writing it. I'll change it, thiswon't
become a lemon. :)
exhaled in hunger.
An oni. An ogre demon from the legends of history. How could
such a thing exist in this day and age, Ryoga thought
despairingly, and why had it sought him out? A piglet was
hardly a worthwhile prize for the malevolent beast. Then,
the demon spoke.
{Well, Ryouga's seen weirder things; I'd expect "Why ME?" rather than
"This can't be happening", if you take my meaning.}
Actually, now that you mention it, Ryoga has seen an oni in the OVAs(not
canon I know) before. It was a pretty pathetic version but all things
considered, I'll revise the paragraph.
[snip]
minutes, Nabiki. Why not wait and see?" Her obvious good
cheer perked them all up. After all, how bad could it be?
Ranma quickened his pace slightly, ignoring the loud crack
of thunder.
{HAHAH! Well-timed thundercrack. :) }
Yup, love those ominous cracks of doom.
"Hmm?" Nodoka looked down at the sword in puzzlement as
though wondering what she was doing with it. "Oh, sorry,
dear. I totally forgot." She picked up the lacquered wooden
scabbard and sheathed the katana in one smooth motion. "I
guess I'm more nervous than I thought."
{Very Nodoka. Her dottiness surfaces frequently.}
Heh, I don't really have any idea about Nodoka's personality,so I was mostly
running on guess-work. I'm happy it panned
out.
[snip]
{Note that Nodoka met Kodachi (at the end of v36 chapter 8), and Kodachi
was quite open about her interest in Ranma; it wouldn't be a surprise to
Nodoka.}
Hmm, I didn't mean it to sound as though she was surprised by it. I wanted
tocue readers to the fact that Kodachi as a fiancee hasn't occured to her
and
that the idea of inviting someone not honourably involved to witness her
shame and the Saotome clan's shame wouldn't be considered.
Of course, at this stage, nothing has been mentioned to the readers yet,
so I'll go back and amplify that bit.
[snip]
The oni jerked his head up at the high-pitched laughter.
What foolish mortal dared to laugh at him? He was a three-
hundred year old demon, capable of crushing any mortal
three-hundred-year-old
being.
{Yeah, if they'd just hold still for a moment. :) }
Yup, they're slippery l'il suckers, these mortals. :)
[snip]
Kuno Clan, Kodachi Kuno is here! I will not permit you to
lay your hands on such an innocent animal, you commoner
demon. Ohohohohohohoho," Kodachi chortled.
{Woohoo! Go, Kodachi! I second Grayson's comments on the surprise and
delight of this revelation; more later. However, I suggest you use more
exclamation points. Kodachi and ! just go together, particularly with
her trademark laugh. :) }
Uh, I was going for restraint? (Nah, you wouldn't buy that :)
[snip]
With that, the two ancient enemies leapt to do battle,
{Oi! You take that back! Kodachi's not ancient! :) Suggest} hereditary
enemies {or perhaps} natural enemies
No, she's definitely not. Wah, Mistress Kodachi! No more, please. :)
leaving Ryoga on the sidelines and feeling unsure as to
who he'd prefer to win the battle.
{What a blockhead. That's Ryoga, all right. :) }
Absolutely.
[snip]
She wiped the trickling blood from her lip and picked
herself up. Oushi was quickly recovering as well. Damn,
Kodachi thought, this wasn't going to be easy.
{This doesn't sound like Kodachi speaking, er, thinking; she's usually
more eloquent than this. Perhaps something like}
Curses, Kodachi thought, my enemy is tougher than I'd expected.
You're right. A bit too common for her.
Words have power. That is a truth that has been acknowledged
many times over the ages. Words can create, hurt, bind or ..
. they can destroy. The old proverb about 'Sticks and stones
..' had never been more untrue than it was now.
{urk. Suggest} Words can create, hurt, bind, or even destroy. The
old proverb about sticks and stones had never been more untrue
than it was now.
Will alter this as well.
[snip]
Ranma stared at his mother in shock. He felt the disbelief
ripple through him like a cold shower.
{heheh!}
Ranma must really hate those things. :)
His mouth opened but
nothing emerged. He struggled to respond, to say something,
to say anything and yet he couldn't find the words.
anything, and
{I'd have been yelling "OOC!" if he COULD find the words. :) }
Actually, I just couldn't think what he might say. :)
An authorial loss of words, so to speak.
[snip]
"This shame is mine entirely, Tendo-san. If you feel this
dishonour impacts upon your family, I would be happy to
commit seppuku to reclaim both your honour and mine." Nodoka
eyes glinted, filled with steely resolve. Soun sat down
uncertainly, Nodoka's offer having deflected his mood of
righteous fury.
{That's Nodoka, IMO; she takes this stuff seriously.
Yup, really scary at times to be that driven.
If memeory serves,
the traditional method of suicide for women was a knife driven into the
throat, but I can't remember the name for it. I don't think it's
"seppuku", as that means "cutting the belly".}
Hmm, I'll check up on this.
[snip]
invested in joining the two Schools of Anything Goes Martial
Arts, and Ranma is legally a Saotome. I don't think Ukyo or
Shampoo will be deterred either. Both have too much at stake
as well."
{It's a surprising to hear this coming from Nabiki; she's always seemed
almost flippant about the whole engagement thing. I'm not saying it's
preposterous, but I think this may need more development.}
I was just thinking that Nabiki would be the first (apart from Cologneand
she wouldn't say anything) to realize the implications and speak
out. It does sound OOC coming from her. Perhaps Kasumi might
be a better option (changing it a bit to be more polite)?
[snip]
"What?!" The shout seemed to come simultaneously from Ranma,
Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyo.
{And me. :) Followed quickly by the sound of gears grinding... it could
explain a lot of things.}
It could indeed. :)
[snip]
"C...ca...cat?!"
{Aiyaaa. The Bakeneko's gonna be pissed. :) }
Trade one cat for another. :)
[snip]
Okay. Closing comments:
Kodachi! Yes! She's so much fun to write (and read!), particularly if
you write her as a selfish, spoiled rich girl, but she doesn't have to
be psychotic or delusional. This "Devil Hunter" tie-in is just
wonderful.
I never did think she was psychotic or delusional. I get the feelingshe's
walking the edge of madness. Easy to slip over and hard on
the feet. :)
Ranma: Oh, boy. This is going to have very interesting effects on the
web of relationships around him. Shampoo's probably going to think it's
a sign that they are fated to be together because of her Jusenkyo curse.
Yup, Shampoo's very reaction but Cologne knows better.
Akane's gonna be... umm... concerned. Kodachi's gonna be conflicted
between hunting the half-devil Ranma and, um, bagging him. :) Great
possibilities.
Ohohohoho, so to speak. :)
Flavor: this isn't a crossover, it's not quite a fusion; it's an
INfusion, I think, of elements from other manga... and I sure hope one
of them is Inu-Yasha, because that's what it feels like. Stir some
Inu-Yasha, with its occult powers, gory monsters, and cruel villains
into Ranma, and the result could be very exciting indeed.
Definitely Inu-Yasha. I was reading the translated Inu-Yasha graphicnovels
and the translations on the net for the further chapters, and
thought: hang on, wouldn't this be great to fuse in with Ranma? So I
wrote it. :)
If I might recommend an excellent Inu-Yasha fanfic - Queen of Swords
(her Inu-Yasha webpage is on Anipike) has written a truly wonderful
fic with fabulous characterization. This, more than anything else, drove
me to start on this work. (Be warned, it's fairly long - about 40 chapters
- but truly worth reading).
Please, sir, can I have some more? :)
Yup, coming soon to an FFML near you. Give it a few more days.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Vince!
Phil.
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
CSUS hired me to build their LANs, not to give away the homeworld.