Hi, this is basically my first fic and all I want is some C&C so that I can 
improve my writing skills. I already know its probaly bad. That's why I want 
the C&C.

I really don't like to slam new authors, but I have a bit of time this morning
(an oddity) and I'm hoping I can give you some advice that might be of
benefit to you.  

First off, don't start out by saying you think your story is bad.  Nine out of
ten points for humility, but minus several million for increasing the likelihood that
someone will want to read your story.  If you want to phrase the sentiment
in a more positive way, try something like "I'm looking for help in improving
this story" or something like that.  

Lastly, I'm not likely to continue this fic. Mabye one or two more installments of 
the most for those of you who might enjoy it.

That also is a real turn-off.  In fact, if I didn't have this odd moment of free
time (too short to start a project, too long to sit around and stare into space),
I'd just dump the story and go on.  What you're saying here is "My story is bad
and I have no commitment to it."  That doesn't give anybody much incentive to
read it.  

Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to their respective owners. 
Please note that at the time of writing, no original characters were 
intended to be used. Meaning that previously unknown characters may have 
originated either from an obscure source or that the names may have been 
changed.

Say where the characters came from.  Don't just say "an obscure source." 
If your reader doesn't know it, then fine.  But it's disrespectful to the creators
of the series to just leave it at that.

Ranma spat out the blood in his mouth as he got himself to his feet. This 
'Daigo' character was a lot tougher than he had thought. After the first 
fight, Ranma figured he had the big guy pegged, but boy, was he wrong. 
Rushing at his opponent, Ranma was greeted by a flurry of punches that ended 
with a vicious straight that sent him sailing. Game, set, match: Daigo.

The story opens with a fight and Ranma losing for no reason we can tell.
I think you need more buildup to this if you want to develop dramatic tension
and make us believe in the story.  Otherwise, "Daigo" feels like a standard
over-powered new-or-self-insert character, your insistence that he comes from
"an obscure source" notwithstanding.  

Cologne shook her head as she looked between the prone form of her 
son-in-law and the departing figure of the one who so easily defeated him. 
"Ranma, what am I going to do with you?" she thought to herself as she 
hefted him onto her shoulder. It's not that he couldn't have met up to this 
new challenger, it was his own laxity that resulted in his defeat. 

So now we're asked to believe that Ranma was beaten because he wasn't
taking the fight seriously.  I can almost buy that if his adversary suddenly
whipped out a powerful move and caught Ranma by surprise, finishing it
in one blow, but for Ranma to simply fail to notice he was up against a good
fighter over the span of an extended conflict is hard for me to swallow.  

This Daigo had a solid defense, yes. An aspect of the Art that seemed largely 
ignored by the martial artists here in Nerima. 

Since when?  Ranma dodges with astonishing skill, as has been demonstrated
in virtually every fight he's been in.  What do you call that, if not a solid defense?
The best way not to be hurt by an attack is not to be hit by an attack.  

He excelled in all physical 
aspects but was not exceptional in anything in particular. Not like Ryouga 
with his strength or Ranma with his speed. "No son-in-law, you were bested 
in a test of skills."

You might be able to sell me on the idea that an astonishingly well-rounded
martial artist could get the better of Ranma, provided that Ranma had some
reason for focusing on a lopsided strategy in his own assault.  But you need
to give us more description than this.  I don't know what "Daigo" looks like, I
don't know his style, I have no picture of how the fight went.

Ranma gained consciousness to the gentle ministrations of Dr. Tofu. "How'd 
I'd get into these things. Why'd every martial artist in town gotta take 
something offa my hide?" As he thought about it, he knew how he got himself 
into this particular altercation.

Ranma bemoaning his fate in this situation is just not believable to me.  He's
got a challenger, he has to fight.  That's his LIFE.  The "why me" lament he
gives here is incongruous with the fundamental combat-oriented nature of his
existence.

It started about three weeks ago. A couple of thugs were picking on some 
kid. He went in and shoved them off, which got this guy dressed all in black 
and wearing a motorcycle helmet to pick a fight with him. He had to admit, 
the guy had potential, but beating him wasn't too tough. About a week later, 
the guy showed up with his 'big brother', who took Ranma out pretty easily 
with a firewall technique. 

So Ranma was beat once before?  This is going by WAY too fast.  The matter-
of-fact, bare bones descriptions sound like a plot summary of several chapters 
gone before, not the text of a story itself.  If you think this is worth writing, take
the time to write it.  Care about your own story first, and then readers will have
a chance of caring about it as well.

For the rematch, Ranma figured he would goad the 
guy into using it again and then hit him with the Hiryu Shoten Ha, but 
things didn't go that way. The firewall Daigo used this time was much weaker 
than the previous one and the Hiryu Shoten Ha couldn't take him out. After 
that, the beating started.

Ranma has even LESS excuse for not taking his fight seriously now that you
tell us this.  He's been beaten by this guy once?  He's going to come back strong
and fight with everything he's got.  I just can't buy that Ranma would enter a fight
like that - a rematch after a loss - relying on one trick to get him through, and then
sit back and let himself get beaten up once the trick doesn't work.  

Cologne did something that could send shivers down a demon's spine and make 
the most virile of men to go impotent. She smiled. 

That was kind of a cute line.

<Why yes Xian Pu, but that is not the only reason I'm smiling. > she 
answered disturbingly cheerfully. <And do I need a reason to smile 
great-granddaughter? Go practice your forms till its time for bed. There 
will be no supper for you tonight. >

<Yes, great-grandmother. > Shampoo replied. "Wow, she MUST be in good mood 
to give out such light punishment." She thought as she went to carry out her 
punishment.

I don't get it.  Why is Shampoo being punished?  Does Cologne normally
punish Shampoo for speaking?  If you're going to establish this - something
which is not an element of the source material - you need to spend some 
more time with it.  If Cologne is a cruel tyrant towards Shampoo while nobody
is looking, you need to set that up.  

"Why thank you young lady. Yes, I would enjoy a spot of tea right about 
now." the short bald-headed man said in reply. "And please, call me Retsu."

To be continued later

At the end, a new character shows up and... nothing.  We're left with no
understanding as to why we should appreciate his arrival, one way or another.

- - -

Look, I'm not here to discourage you from writing, but I think you really need
to spend more time and effort on your story.  Make a commitment to it, write
it with some dedication, and then show the FFML what you can do.  You may
need to spend a lot of time improving your work - your first stories may not
be very good.  I'd wager there's not an author here who does not look back on 
his or her earlier work from years ago without a twinge of embarrassment ("Did 
I really write THAT?  Damn...).  

But you can't hope to improve if you don't care about improving.  I'm not a mind-
reader, but this story looked like you just didn't put much heart into it, and your
author's comments echoed that.  

All right, now I'm out of time.  Good luck in the future, and keep writing.  

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless