Overall, I found the story Rather accurate in the actual
Ranmaverse scheme of things.  It fits fairly well with the whole of
information we know about the Manga.  Akane is ore mellow, Ryouga
less spiteful of Ranma, and Akane much more protective of Akane.

        I must ask a few questions.  Where could Happosai be??? The
Little perv is usually essential in stories about old foes, even
Amazon ones.  I would also like to say that although I think some of
the Mousse scenes are pretty good, I don't think Mousse is QUITE
that stupid.  The hat-rack thing is great, as is the first version
of scrubbing the scrub-brush with the steel wool.  Call it my own
opinion, but referring to Mousse, "Stupidly scrubbing" Etc isn't
very nice, considering Mousse has some amount of sense.

        Of course, this could be due to the fact that he is off
thinking, as you describe earlier in the chapter.  I would buy that,
since sometimes people do weird things when they are off in outer
space.  Okay, so let us get to the Actual C&C-ing.


        Character Representation: I find that the Characters are
consistent with the Manga versions of them, and that you represent
them well in their actions, with an exception or two.  Would Shampoo
have abandoned Mousse to look for Cologne? I think it is possible,
but I am not sure about it.  Shampoo doesn't hate Mousse, and has
never REALLY wished him dead.  In any case, what I think might be
needed is perhaps more about what else is going on.
        Perhaps you will flesh things out with later chapters, but I
was wondering why the first chapter felt strangely empty of most
characters.  Nabiki? Kasumi? Soun? Genma? Nodoka?  Happosai? Kuno?
Kodachi?  My suggestion is that you add more story.  It might end up
being longer, but it will feel a little less shallow as well.

        Continuity: The story begins at a consistent point, and
continues from there.  There is no problem with the continuity of
the fic, since it has a beginning, middle, and end that is
sequentially proper, there is also very little confusion as to what
comes before/after this or that.  The time periods could be made a
little clearer, as they seem to be underplayed in this first
episode.  Was it night when Shampoo returned? That is the image I
got... dark, at night, moonlit.

        Foreshadowing: I must comment on the rather straightforward
use of foreshadowing, the appearance of the stranger flipped the
mood of the fic into a very dark and much less humorous mood than
the previous golf scene.  My suggestion, if you use foreshadowing
much or plan to use it, do so in more subtle ways.  I felt like I
was hit over the head with how bad this guy was when you introduced
him, and I instantly got the feeling he was one big badass that
could whup up on Ranma and Ryouga.
        This isn't necessarily a bad thing all the time, however,
sometimes straightforward foreshadowing can be beneficial, as it set
the mood for what was to come later.  However, overuse of it, or
abuse of it in any case, can leave the reader feeling a bit slapped
around by everything happening so directly.  It's always good to let
the people wonder about "What next?"
        In this case, I see the villain doing something to Reality
to change it, considering the name of the fic and what the character
said near the end.

        Cohesiveness: I found it a bit choppy to my own flavor,
however, I have unique tastes.  The dialogue was very cut and to the
point, without much introspection or individual thought.  If you
prefer writing this way, I won't refute your taste.  However, I
shall make a suggestion as I usually have to: Try and put more
content into the discussion/action/thought.
    Describe in more detail what characters are doing.  Try and
avoid the "Floating Face" Syndrome, where all the characters end up
talking heads except in action sequences.  Remember that the
characters own arms and legs, a torso, and internal organs of all
sorts.  For instance, having Mousse's voice rasping as he coughs up
some blood, holding his side where there are surely a few broken
rips... and a lot of bleeding, that would be better imagery to show
the character is more than just some clothes and a talking head.
        Be vivid, use Imagery.  The story in itself is rather
cohesive, it has plot, setting, conflict, climax, and end that are
easily noticeable.  Perhaps it should be less obvious though.

        General Comment: I think perhaps you should better explain
Ryouga's recognition of the man.  Ryouga knows he gets lost, and I
am sure other people have attempted to follow him before... why
should this man stand out???   I would also like to understand
exactly how Ka'Lor beat Cologne up.  She is supposed to be much much
more proficient than Ranma, and also one of the most powerful
characters in the series.


    I pray that you find these comments in good health, and that
perhaps you might even consider some of them.  You had two or three
spelling mistakes, when Ryouga Barres his teeth (bare I think is
what you wanted), and another time with Mousse I do believe.  I hope
that I have been of help, and that you might by chance wish to
comment on my own fic some time.  I shall now go read part two of
your story, and provide more commentary if it comes to mind.

--
Sincerely....
Shimitsu Kaori.
Lost "Dragon-Gal"
of Shimitsu-Ryuu.
Princess of Chaos.
"What makes a curse is simply the view, a blessing to some is a
curse unto you, But
acceptance can conquer that fear you hold high, through acceptance
comes peace.....
are you willing to try?"
   -Quote from Kaori Shimitsu.
My Homepage at!
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