Grayson Towler wrote:

<Insert Usual Disclaimer>

"I didn't do it, nobody saw me, you can't prove anything."

Oh, wait.  Not THAT usual disclaimer.  Sorry...

Heh. I've had Genma use that on a sign before. :)

An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami

trees. If there was one thing Ryoga hated most about being a
piglet, it was being mistaken as a scrumptious ingredient
for many dishes. It was bad enough to be considered food by

I've always thought so, too.

Nods. Ryoga's biggest complaint in the earlier parts of the manga.

Speed
was his greatest ally in his cursed form, yet it lacked his
awesome human endurance.

This sentence is a bit awkward.  "Speed" is your subject,
not "cursed form," so when you say "it lacked his...," it
grammatically means "Speed... lacked his awesome human
endurance," which of course makes no sense.  So you
might try rephrasing it.

Whups, missed this completely. Will change it. I'll try:

'yet that form lacked'

Trees loomed menacingly in his vision; warped, wooden giants
to his small form. Leaves and branches whipped about in the
gusting wind, shrieking their alarm over the intruder's
presence.

I like your description of this chase - very effective portrayal
of Ryouga's fear and the helplessness of his small animal
body.

Thanks.

misshapen bull complete with a pair of gory horns, grinned
evilly in anticipation and revealed a mouthful of broken
fangs.

Curious about the "gory horns" description.  It makes me wonder
of his horns are actually covered with gore, which would mean
the demon had killed something recently.  If that's the case, maybe
"gore-streaked horns" or some such would be better.

Hmm, I meant that the horns were covered with gore, I guess (newand old).
'gore-streaked horns' works much better there; I'll change
it.

He laughed uproariously.

I don't know - I equate "uproarious" laughter with a more light-hearted
emotion than the demon is displaying.  Maybe that's just me, but you
might consider a more intimidating adjective.

Loud and booming was what I was trying to convey - I'll look forsomething
more appropriate.

petulance, grated on Ranma's ears. He huddled miserably
beneath his oversized umbrella, holding the flimsy shelter
poised against the incoming enemy. The beat of slashing
raindrops added to his gloom, threatening to trigger his
curse at any time. All it would take would be a single gust
of wind at the wrong moment. "

I like this little peek into Ranma's head, seeing water as a living
enemy.

Thanks.

"Ah, thank you, Saotome-san," Soun said gratefully as he
stepped into the house. Kasumi followed her father in,
bowing gracefully and politely adding, "So nice to see you
again, Aunty." Nabiki inclined her head as she stepped
past Nodoka, only saying, "Hello, Aunty."

This was a bit confusing - I recommend using a paragraph
break for each new speaker, even in a sort of rushed
situation like this.

Will do.

"Ukyo-san and Shampoo-san are also on their way. I have some
information to give to all of you," Nodoka explained calmly.

Akane jerked her head up to stare at Ranma's mother. Was it
possible? Was Aunty Nodoka really going to do something
about the entire situation? Why else would she call
everyone? She realized the exception and was quietly
grateful for it.

At this point, I was concerned that this was going to turn into a
"Nodoka steps in and solves everything fic," which seems to happen
a lot (second runner up for the main cast in this role is Kasumi).
I was pleased to see that it didn't actually turn out that way.  I
wonder - are you deliberately playing against a fanfic convention
here for surprise value, or was it unintentional?

Definitely deliberate - basically, I was trying for the alternation ofheavy
action and peaceful scenes earlier, with the Kodachi and
Ryoga scenes acting as a sort of clue-in and pointing out that
things weren't likely to be too normal. Hopefully, it was enough
to surprise readers.

A Hibiki would never go down without a fight. Even if he was
currently a defenceless pig. No, not defenceless.

"defenseless"

Nods.

"So, there's still fight left in you, accursed one?" the oni
rumbled in amusement. "Then, die!" it roared, launching it's
claws in a blindingly quick strike at the small, black
piglet.

Is it just being menacing when it says "Then, die" to
Ryouga?  Because he says he has to bring Ryouga in
alive shortly afterwards...

Yup, he is being menacing here without really meaningit. Being an oni, I
guess he really enjoys inducing the
fear and terror.

Ryoga hurled himself forward, evading the descending claws
by a hairsbreadth and rebounding off the demon's right leg.

"hair's breadth"

Will change.

He used the energy of the impact to angle himself away from
the constraining tree behind him. Did it, he crowed within.
Now to ...

You might want to offset thoughts with brackets or single quotes
or some other sort of punctuation.

Hmm, I guess I've been shifting over to the Lois Bujold style morerecently,
where thoughts are just written normally as introspective
portions of a paragraph. Do you think it's too hard to make out
here?

>From the wind slashed, rain-soaked trees, another laugh

answered it. Rising higher and higher.

"Rising higher and higher" is a sentence fragment by itself.  You might
want to group it with the last sentence using a comma.

I like sentence fragments a lot as you can probably tell - have to kickthe
habit.

"I see," Nabiki said pensively as she pondered her options.
There wasn't much else she could do which was a great shame.
Kodachi would have paid through the nose for such
information. But what about Kuno? That had worthwhile
implications. After all, his 'pig-tailed girl' was also at
risk.

Nice touch with Nabiki wanting to profit from this.

Yup, Nabiki Tendo - casually amoral girl. :)

rain's attentions. The apparel accentuated the fact that
Ukyo could be a very lovely girl. When she chose to be so.

"When she shose to be" is another sentence fragment.

Nods, I've hyphenated it now.

had they said to each other? Shampoo was dressed in fine
silkwear. A fighting costume but one that suited such
occasions.

"A fighting costume" is another sentence fragment.  You
seem to have a series of them in a row.

And hyphenated this one as well.

Cologne pogoed in on her stick, wearing her
usual clothes. Mousse was not present. Probably locked in
a cage at the Nekohanten, she mused. Then, her attention
focused on a curious fact. Neither of the two Amazons had
a single drop of water on them, she realized belatedly.
Interesting.

I suggest structuring that like:

"... a curious fact: neither of the two..."

Will do.

"Beware, oni, for the 106th. generation Devil Hunter of the
Kuno Clan, Kodachi Kuno is here! I will not permit you to
lay your hands on such an innocent animal, you commoner
demon. Ohohohohohohoho," Kodachi chortled.

HA!  I love it!  This is where the fic really took me by surprise,
and it was a welcome shock indeed.  Devil Hunter Kodachi
is a wonderful image, and about the last person I'd have
expected to come to Ryouga's rescue.  Very cool.

Kodachi tends to get underused in a lot of fics so I wanted togive her a
bit more show time here, and add a bit of shock
value as well. :)

Glad you liked it.

"Spear of Fuma!" she commanded. The lash straightened and
quivered into rigidity, the tip becoming a piercing needle.
Kodachi launched herself into the air, spear extended and
seeking the demon's soul. The mighty weapon arced down at
the prone oni, driven by her descending body-weight, ...
and promptly missed as she was knocked out of the air by
the demon's tail. Off-balance from the blow, she slammed
into the ground hard.

She wiped the trickling blood from her lip and picked
herself up. Oushi was quickly recovering as well. Damn,
Kodachi thought, this wasn't going to be easy.

Good fight scene.  You write action sequences very well.

Thanks. Must be all those David Gemmell books I've beenreading. :)

Words have power. That is a truth that has been acknowledged
many times over the ages. Words can create, hurt, bind or ..
. they can destroy. The old proverb about 'Sticks and stones
.' had never been more untrue than it was now.

You've got some peculiar punctuation running between your
paragraphs there.

Nods. Never quite mastered the higher order punctuationskills (comes from
being a psych major and not a lit :), so
all this help is very much appreciated, Grayson.

They're supposed to be '...' but they haven't come out right.
Changed it thus:

Words can create, hurt, bind or
sometimes, they can destroy. The old proverb about 'Sticks
and stones ...' had

Hope it works better.

"Ranma," Nodoka said, staring at her son with love and a
tinge of fear, "you are not the true son of my husband,
Genma."

And this was a nice surprise too.

Thanks.

disbelief and consternation. Then she went two steps
further. Dawning realization and blossoming joy. With the

Suggest - "... two steps further:  dawning realization..."

Yes, something else I have to master - the ':' symbol. Gee, Ican't even
remember what it's called. :)

engagements off and since he couldn't stand Shampoo, Ranma
would be forced to come to her. She kept her calm and
waited.

An understandable opinion from Ukyou's perspective, but
maybe not entirely accurate.

I tried to portray one of those scenes where Ukyo falls intoa brief fantasy
about having Ranma all to herself, such as
during the Gambling King incident.

"I'm sorry, Soun," Genma answered. "He is still my son
though. I formally adopted him when he was born. Thus,
Ranma is a Saotome through Nodoka's bloodline and by name
as well." He looked at his old friend calmly, with more
control than anyone had ever seen. "What you make of it
is entirely up to you," he finished.

This should cool Soun down pretty well - my understanding
is that adoption does not carry a heavy stigma in Japanese
culture, though I'm not sure about modern Japan.

Soun's more upset about Genma keeping the whole thingsecret from him.  It
violates the drinking buddy trust. :)

worthless. On the other hand, matrilineal descent was all
that mattered to the Amazons and in the case of outsiders,
even that wasn't much of a concern. It could have solved
everything.

Actually, descent shouldn't matter at all to Cologne, matriarchal
or otherwise.  After all, Ranma's engagement to Shampoo is
based on what he's done personally (defeating her in combat),
not on whose child he is.

Nods, deed is all that's important for an outsider. To me, Colognehas
always seemed to see Ranma as more than just a husband,
perhaps even as a successor. Though that's not too relevant here -
should it go or stay?

"This shame is mine entirely, Tendo-san. If you feel this
dishonour impacts upon your family, I would be happy to
commit seppuku to reclaim both your honour and mine." Nodoka
eyes glinted, filled with steely resolve. Soun sat down
uncertainly, Nodoka's offer having deflected his mood of
righteous fury.

Gak.  Seppuku is a hell of a card to play.  The rules governing
ritual suicide for women are somewhat different than they are
for men (the medieval ones, anyway), but it still works all right
here for Nodoka to play the trump.

A very heavy card. But I see Nodoka as likely to use it - afterall, the way
I've portrayed it, Ranma's honour is her honour now.
Or rather, Ranma's honour is the only way for her to reclaim
her own (much like Genma) - which is why she's so strict with
him on 'manliness' (since its an honour-bound contract). 'Course
this is only my viewpoint.

Ryoga dove forward and bit hard, fastening his blunt teeth
into the demon's calf. Oushi glanced down but didn't even
break his stride in order to club the small pig to one side.
Then he looked up.

Whoah.  "Lord of the Rings" flashback, starring Kodachi as
Eowyn and P-Chan as Merry.  Not bad.

Unconscious use of it, most probably. :)

Actually, I think P-Chan has fangs like Ryouga, so he wouldn't
have all "blunt teeth..."

He does - but usually piglets don't. :)

Not that Ryoga's fangs could get through that tough demonskin
either, I wouldn't think.

was another who had been courting me. He came just in time
and stopped me. I was so ashamed that I confessed everything
to him and begged him to let me die. Instead, he chose to
marry me, even taking my name so that none would guess the
truth. And in time, I grew to love him as well."

This is nice.  Genma-bashing is a popular sport in fanfiction, and
while there's a lot of basis for it in the source material it tends
to get old.  Refreshing to see a different portrayal of the man.

Nods, a bit of waff to clear the demon taint in the air - only forlittle a
while, of course.

She paused, looking at Genma, who stared back with age-old
pain and love. Kasumi wiped a tear away from her blurry eyes.
Ukyo did the same.

Ukyou would probably be especially stunned.  Of all the people
present, she has the most reason to think Genma is a total
scumbag.  To hear that he made such a gesture would shake
her picture of him rather seriously.

Hmm, a very good point here. I'll add this to the reactions inthe next
chapter.

and even loved. We made him as comfortable as we could but
there was nothing else we could do. He asked to see Ranma
and that was when we learned what he was."

"What he was?" echoed Akane.

"Perhaps, he was not human," Cologne guessed.

"What?!" The shout seemed to come simultaneously from Ranma,
Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyo.

... and from your readers.  Okay, I didn't shout, but it was another
good surprise.

Cologne - surprise popper? :)

"Very good, Elder," Nodoka confirmed. "The reason I called
you all here today is because tomorrow is my son's
eighteenth birthday. Ranma, the powers that your father
sealed within you as a baby before dying will awaken
tomorrow." Nodoka stared at her son. "Your father," she
whispered, "was Yami-no-tsume, Demon Lord of the East and a
Cat Demon of great power."

This time the "What?!" echoed from everyone's lips except
for Kasumi and Ranma. Her response was true to form, and his
also.

What was Kasumi's response?

"Oh, my!" - do you have to ask? I tried to avoid using it in the fic,I
truly did (but here it is as a cameo :).

"It appears I've lost another servitor, Jakuten." The dulcet
tones chimed like breaking crystals, addressed to an unknown
recipient. The shadow cocked its head to one side, listening

I suggest "audience" rather than "recipient."

Hmm, doesn't audience imply more than one listener? I'm not sure- I'll look
for something better though.

night. "You've had eighteen more years of life than you
deserve. But tomorrow, I shall steal both your powers and
your soul, dear brother!"

Cool.

Thanks.

1) Canonically speaking, Genma does make a few statements in
the manga indicating that Ranma is his true son.
Specifically, his claim in the Dragon Whisker story that
Ranma will inherit his baldness. All I can plead is artistic
license.

Don't worry about it.  Genma might have been playing the
charade, or perhaps even Nodoka's father went bald and that's
what he meant.

Just thought I'd mentioned it. :)

- - - - -

I really enjoyed reading that!  I usually try to give a glance at first
chapters that come through, and I'm glad I had the time to read
yours.  I'm looking forward to more of this story.

Thank you very much. Next chapter will be out soonish. Maybe in aweek
depending on work and all.

But thanks for the excellent C&C. That's exactly what I need.

Phil - is grateful. :)

Best of luck,
Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless