*Freemage stands there, tapping his foot, looking upset.*

As one author to another, KaraOhki, I'm afraid I simply must ask you to
stop writing.

*Pause*

You see, when you put something as well-written, enjoyable and utterly
fantastic piece of work on the List, I feel obligated to respond,
despite the fact that I am currently only barely able to keep up with
the ML's volume when I'm just reading.  This is especially distressing
because it is often so difficult for me to find any particular points
where improvement would be possible; this, of course, means that I am
rendered unable to provide anything more meaningful than a trite "Great
job!" which, frankly, I find unsatisfying.

Thus, I am forced to either produce long, drawn-out replies like this
one, which really just say "Great job!" without using those exact words
in a futile attempt to replace substantive commentary with humour, or
to go into a hyper-anal-retentive mode, studying the fic at length for
some sign of weakness rather than merely parasiticly enjoying and
deleting it.  The result of such follows:

--- KaraOhki <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

No More Wandering
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
karaohki@snet.net

It was dark in the theater.  Not many people had come out on this
rainy day, and as far as he could tell no one he knew was there.  He
and the girl he loved were alone.

Just to be sure, he looked right.  Then he looked left, past her.
When he turned around she gently elbowed him.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

He wiped his hand on his pants leg, and cautiously reached for her
hand.  She allowed him to take her small hand in his large one, and
squeezed it gently.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to do that."

He tried to answer, but couldn't.  Instead, he was content to hold
her
hand in his, and watch the movie.

He didn't deserve to be so happy.  Not when he'd screwed up so
royally.

*****

<snip core events of fic>

Okay, obviously you were dealing with the one-hour time-constraint; I
understand that that makes it difficult to go into intense detail on
events, forcing you to use a broader brush.  I must admit, OTOH, I
would have at least liked to have seen the scene where P-Chan ran into
Akari.

*****

"It's raining."

"So I see."

Ryoga stood at the window the next day, watching the rain sheet down.

"I guess we're stuck inside for the day."

"Not necessarily."

Akari produced a large umbrella from her bag, and waved it at Ryoga.

"Between yours and mine we should be okay.  Didn't you say you wanted
to take me to a movie?"

Ryoga gulped.

"What if I get lost?"

"I have that under control, sweetheart."

Ryoga and Akari left the hotel, carrying their umbrellas.  If you
looked closely, you could tell that Akari had tied her wrist to her
husband's with his bandanna.

------------------

Hmmm.... Okay, this is strictly a personal preference, but I tend to
think that when using the "flashback" technique to tell the story, it
is preferable to come out of the flashback at roughly the same place
(in this case, the theater) that you went in.  Perhaps they could
encounter the rain as they are leaving (producing a typical gloomy-Gus
reaction from Ryouga) before Akari saves the day by reaching into her
shopping bag and pulling out one of those collapsible models of
umbrella?

You see what I mean?  Normally, if I reply to a fic, I at LEAST find a
significant number of typos or grammar errors... but you give me
NOTHING to work with.

*He sighs*

Ah, well, I doubt this plea will be sufficient to silence your muse....

I'll just have to suffer through further outbursts of brilliance.

--Freemage

C&C welcome - public or private
karaohki@snet.net

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