I'm posting this for a friend of mine who isn't part of this ML.  Any C&C
or anything (except flames, let's be nice here)  can be sent to her at
KSaintTail@aol.com    She'll be happy to hear from you.  

~MurasakiKaze

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________

Even in the Cold Night
Tomoyo shortfic
by Meimi

    I shut the door to my room softly...I don't like being interrupted
when 
I'm watching my videos.
    What videos, you ask?
    If you know anything about me, that should be obvious.
    But maybe you don't, so I'll just tell you.
    They're not any kind of movie title you can buy in a store...though I

watch as many of those as the next girl. But these are much more special.

These are things I treasure; I always know I'll smile when the screen 
flickers to life out of the darkness...
    Because they're of the person I love.
    Hm? Who? Not a movie star, no.
    Sorry. It's a secret.
    Too much of a secret for even my own good...because even she doesn't 
know; doesn't realize.

---
ne, does everyone become this lonely when they fall in love?
---

    It's funny that way, isn't it? How I record her every movement on 
videotape...so I can take it home with me, and relive every second I'm
with 
her. I can push pause, and just watch her smiling face...forever. A
moment in 
her life is an eternity for me. And just with this, I'm content.
    So...isn't it funny, how while my eyes never leave her face...never 
wanting to waste a second with her...and how I notice every detail...
    And yet she never figures it out?
    Un. I love her.
    But she'll never know.

--
ne, even more than the black darkness, does deep pain embrace you?
--

    A slight smile tugs at my lips as I toy with a strand of my
hair...the 
hair grown out long like my mother wanted...
    My mother was in love too, once. Ever since she was young...
      But her heart was slowly, slowly broken over the years. Slowly 
shattering as she sank into jealousy.
    She couldn't stand watching her loved one be happy with someone else.

--
all of it was only for our sake, so that we could shine, i'm certain
--

    ...my mother's become bitter about it over the years. I look at her, 
seeing how she hasn't moved on at all after Nadeshiko-san's death, and I
can 
feel my heart aching. Each time I notice that faraway look in her
eyes...her 
gaze shifting to that chest where a bouquet is locked away...the flowers 
dried and dead.
      Like my mother. Those flowers...they're where my mother's life
stopped, 
when she pushed pause.
    Ever since I can remember, I've grown up watching my mother thinking
of 
"what-if"s over all these years. She won't allow herself to forgive, to 
forget...and she still says angrily that Nadeshiko-san was stolen away,
still 
glares at Fujitaka-san with eyes like ice.
    But she doesn't understand. Nadeshiko-san was happy, really happy
because 
she fell in love.
    I love my mother so much.
    But she was so selfish.
    And somethimes, it makes me wonder, did she ever really, I mean
*really*, 
love Nadeshiko-san at all?
    Because...when I see my loved one's face lighting up with joy...her 
emerald eyes sparkling...a smile making everyone's day brighter...

--
you, i love you, i'm watching you in my heart
--

    It makes my heart fill up with joy in those moments, and I'd do
anything 
at all to keep her smiling forever.
    Even giving her up?
      Of course. I won't let heartache kill me bit by bit. Every time I
catch 
a glimpse of longing in my mother's eyes when she mentions
Nadeshiko-san's 
name...I think to myself, promise myself, that I won't let myself become
like 
her. I'll be so happy for the one I love, my heart will continue
overflowing 
with these feelings always...so that I can always keep an honest smile on
my 
face; never even think of the word "regret".
    Because, ne, she has someone she loves, too.
    Someone she can confide in...someone who knows her...someone who'll
be 
able to understand her feelings as well as me.

--
you, i believe in you, even in the cold night
--

    ...maybe she doesn't even know she loves him herself, yet. But I can 
tell. She trusts him, it's just the way she looks at him. These days,
she's 
ever so slowly moving away from me...going to him with her
problems...he's 
her shoulder to cry on now.
      Not me.

--
with my eyes, i call out to you now
--

    And why I don't say this bitterly, in a voice tainted with anger and 
regret? So cold to the world, because she has Ri-kun always...and I only
have 
her smiling face on videotape to console me when I feel heartbroken?
      There are times when I do wonder; why do I always shove them
together? 
Why don't I try to get between them? I could. If I did...I could 
make-believe...she could be mine forever...and then...
      ...and then I'd be exactly like my mother was. Always in denial of
what 
was meant to be.
      I won't ruin a destined meeting.
      I'll watch her quietly from the sidelines- never getting too close,
too 
involved in her love. I won't stand between the two of them.
      Why?
    Because she'll be happy, of course.


    "I..." I hesitate for just a moment, looking away. "I want the one I
love 
to be happy, more than to love me in return."
    I turn my gaze back to her...her sweet eyes staring into mine...so
full 
of innocent confusion.
    "...are you saying, you don't even care if the one you love doesn't
love 
you?"
    I shut my eyes, replying softly.
    "Of course, I would be happy if that person returned my love."
    I open them, smiling at her.
    It's not a forced smile, it's genuine and real.
    I can't be bitter, because...
    "Because...the one I love being happy...is the greatest happiness of
all."
    She blinks, the thought taking a moment to register for her...she
seems 
completely in the dark.
    But for one moment, I see understanding flickering inside those
emerald 
gems...
    And then it's gone as she smiles at me.
    "...I'm sure, the one Tomoyo-chan loves is really happy."
    I gaze at her...and for a moment, it's just like I've pushed pause on
the 
video; I feel like I could live inside this moment forever...
    And she turns away, and it's gone.


    ...I hope you're right, Sakura-chan.
    That you're happy.

--
i don't want your promises
with my eyes, i reach out to you now
even in the cold night
--

Hai, owari~

--Meimi

___________________________________________________________________
Get the Internet just the way you want it.
Free software, free e-mail, and free Internet access for a month!
Try Juno Web: http://dl.www.juno.com/dynoget/tagj.