In a message dated 9/20/99 02:54:30 AM, Jedediah@tri-countynet.net writes:
Ranma 1/2 used without permission
C&Cis, as always, welcome and appreciated
Ah, so part 8's out now. It's been a while since the last release. ^_^
For those of you who haven't read the revised version of Crimson
Dawn 7 I just put out, please note that Nabiki opted to keep her suspicions
about Ranma to herself rather than tell everyone about it. With that said,
on with the fic. ^_^
I don't think I've read part 7, but thanks anyway.
Y'know, I just noticed that this fic doesn't have an introductory title. If
someone comes across this fic w/o the subject header, they won't know what
it's title is. Or who wrote it. ^_^;;
=================================
//AH! Man, that hurts!\\ Ranma thought as he doffed his cloak and
dogi. The clothing lay in a pile on the rough surface of Tokyo Genreal
Misspelled General
Hospital's roof as Ranma forced his mind to ignore the pain his body was
feeling. As he traversed the rooftops on his way back to the hospital,
the pain from his injuries had been muted. He knew he had been hurt, but
could
not feel it. After removing the cloak, however, the pain returned with
a vengenace, almost taking his breath away.
I don't think that 'a' is necessary. It'll do fine without it in the last
sentence.
The cold wind blew through his Chinese blouse and pants like a
ginsu, numbing his skin with it's icy chill. His breath came out in clouds
of white steam, drfiting upward before being carried off by the moving
air.
You've already mentioned that it's chilly, so I think 'icy' is redundant.
"Do ya HAVE to sneak up on people like that?" Ranma asked
indignantly as he stared at Cologne. The wizened matriarch simply remained
That's one way of describing Cologne. ;)
"It looks like you have a couple of ribs broken, son-in-law,"
Cologne said in that same tone, as though she couldn't care less about
his injuries. "It must have been one rough fight."
Ranma: I just had my ass whipped and ya think I'm gonna tell ya? Yawright!
//Oh, hell,\\ Ranma thought as his eyes fell on the emerald
container. His heart nearly froze in his chest, his mind spiralling
uncontrollably into a wild panic. Cologne just stood there, staring at
him with a neutral expression on her wrinkled face.
Is this blank paragraph break intentional?
"I know what this is, son-in-law," Cologne said, her voice still
cold as the air around them. "Where did you get it?" She could see from
I think you've made enough references to the weather.
the boy's face that his mind was in total chaos, Ranma simply wasn't very
skilled at hiding his thoughts and feelings. Emotionally, he was an open
book for anyone to read.
Ordinarily, Cologne would have preferred not to use such a direct
A misspelling of oridinarily here.
The Council had refused. While Crimson Dawn's healing powers were
incredible, even greater than the springs at Ryuugenzawa, nothing was known
I'd question Jotseztku's (or whatever it's spelled - I can never get hang of
that spelling) knowledge of Ryugenzawa. It's located in Japan, a LONG way
from the village. Also, Ryugenzawa isn't that old. Probably no older than
75-90 years or so.
To this day, she still felt the side-effects of Crimson Dawn, changes that
her mind, body, and soul went through that still haunted her after three
centuries.
It doesn't seem like it to me. It'd be nice if you provided a bit of insight
into those 'side-effects'? Perhaps ugliness factor? <grin> ^_-
//Now this looks interesting,\\ Nabiki thought as she stared at
Ranma and Cologne's face off. The chill air stabbed mercilessly through
the jeans she wore, her sweater not faring much better.
Again the redundant reference to the weather.
After having managed to extract herself from the crowd below, citing
the need for a visit to the bathroom, she had gone over her train of thought
about Ranma's recent behaivior and nearly busted out laughing. Ranma, the
caped avenger? It was sheer lunacy!
You'd know that there's a fic where Ranma actually turns out to be Wayne's
son, AKA Batman. :/
"Nova Blast!" The shout made Nabiki's heart stop for a moment,
It'd sound nicer if it was rewritten as, 'Nabiki's heart froze at the shout,'
the red blast lancing the darkness as it streaked toward Ranma. Ranma leapt
backward, though his timing looked a little off. The blast detonated on
impact with the roof, the concussive force flinging Ranma through the air
like a limp ragdoll. Nabiki watched as Ranma hit the roof hard on his back,
a short cry of pain bursting from his throat.
An intersting point here: If that blast was quite as what you illustrated,
surely it wouldn't have attracted attention from below? All explosions tend
to have that effect.
She hoped she wouldn't accidentally twist her ankle on her way
down. Tumbling down a flight or two of stairs wasn't an appealing prospect.
After
all, how could she let the others know what was happening on the roof if
she was laying in a twisted heap at the bottom of a flight of steps with a
broken neck?
Odd time to be thinking about that.
Nabiki forced herself to slow a little as she descended the steps.
After what seemed like forever, she found herself before the door that
granted access to the floor where everyone waited for her return from the
bathroom.
==================================
"Nabiki?" Akane asked, disturbed by the look of fear on her older
sister's face. Her breath came in heavy gasps as if she had been running,
her her face red. "What's wrong?"
"It's...Ranma," Nabiki said between gulps of air.
"What's wrong?!" Akane asked, fear in her voice. Everyone's heads
had turned to face Nabiki, expressions of intent interest laced with anxiety
on their faces.
"There was this guy," Nabiki said, "Who just came from out of
nowhere on the roof and started attacking Ranma."
"There's this guy,"
"So what else is new?" Ukyo asked, concerned. Ranma getting in
a fight wasn't news, but why would Nabiki look and sound so concerned about
it?
Ukyo wouldn't be that indifferent, considering that Ranma's her finacee.
She'd be more likely to react, intent on going to his side.
"Ranma's losing!" she exclaimed. "And Cologne isn't doing a thing
to help!!"
Well, THAT would get everybody's attention.
"Great Grandmother here?!" Shampoo said in disbelief.
"Yeah, and if we don't move, that Karasu guy will finish Ranma
for good!"
"KARASU!?" Shampoo and Mousse exchanged nervous glances before
Hmm. There's some implication is that Karasu has some connections with the
Amazonians.
the former leapt to her feet and charged down the corridor. Mousse followed
suit, with Akane rushing after them, overtaking the blind boy. The rest
followed behind them, their feet thundering on the cold tile floor.
You sure do love using terms such as 'cold,' 'icy,' and 'chilly'. ;)
//Ah, there they are.\\ The image of the Mortal Plane showed a
group of people bursting out from the door to the interior of the hospital.
He
had been wondering how long it would take that Nabiki to get them up there.
His eyes locked on Akane, who stood just in front of the other two girls who
layed claim to Ranma's heart.
Laid sound better than 'layed'
"Yeah, if you want Ran-chan, you gotta go through us!" Akane herad
Misspelled 'heard' here
"Oridnarily, I would love to oblige you," he said, "but I have
Another misspelling here, of oridinarily.
more important matters to attend to than humiliating a bunch of children."
"Indeed you do!" Everyone looked about hurriedly, the sudden
'hurriedly' sounded out of the place in this paragraph, considering the
situation.
Without warning, an intense wave of agony ripped through Akane's
body. Every muscle tightened at once, the torment quickly overriding her
conscious thought. Akane's stiomach cramped violently as the pain spread
through her like fire.
Oops, you misspelled stomach here. ;)
Deep within herself, Akane was aware of what was happening.
Something was wrong, she knew, something terribly wrong. The world outside
disappeared, and her body felt as though it was being torn apart. She fought
desperately to regain control, to find the center of calm that would allow
her to weather this hellish storm.
As she struggled, Akane felt another presence stirring within the
confines of her mind. The pain became augmented by sheer terror as she
felt the alien presence grow and approach ever nearer.
Despite all her valiant struggles, the presence enclosed her. Akane
could feel her will slipping away, her own self being absorbed into
something far greater. The dark entity invaded her very soul, it's cold
tendrils smashing through her defenses easily as it melded with Akane on
a spiritual level. Soon after, Akane Tendo was no more, and would never be
again.
When I read this scene, I could imagine it so clearly, and it was scary,
indeed. And I don't like the sound of the ominious foreshadowing here...
===================================
Well, that's part 8! I sincerely hope you all enjoy this
<scarcastically> Oh sure, I enjoyed this fic! </scarcastically> But really,
you did nice job, considering the fact that it seemed to be... simplistic,
for the lack of better term. As I read the part, it felt as if there was
something missing from the overall story, but I couldn't pinpoint it. I think
it's the lack of tension. It wasn't until Akane succumbed to the darkness
that I felt revived. NOW something's happening!
There's several misspelled words - use a spellchecker, it'd help - and
unusual places for paragraph breaks, but overall it turned out okay. I still
think you should try and add some meat certain scenes, though. Particularly
prior the rooftop battle. I got no feeling of emotion from _any_ of
characters. Karasu, on the other hand, I'm not sure since I missed the last
part. :/
But I'm anixious about how part 9'll turn out. Especially Akane. Keep up your
writing!
Until I find something new to write, Ja ne-
Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com> formerly Sailor Alpha
Fanfics, projects at http://www.gehirn.com/ | gehirn = brain in German
"In the name of the Moon, I will let my friend Sailor Moon punish you!"
-Sailor Mercury, Alternate Visions, part 4