P-Taku no Fic #1 Let's Go!
by Chris Perry
jinnai@longlivethemac.com(please send all comments to me directly!)
Disclaimer : I suppose I am supposed to mention that the names
represented in this fic are probably copyrighted by a bunch of rich
Japanese people. However, this story is so irrelevant and impertinent,
does it really matter?
Cast of characters:
Ataru : A Puriken high school student and member of P-Taku's.
Usako : Another member of P'taku
Muki-Muki : Another.
P-Chan : Take a wild guess.
Otherwise, Enjoy!
>---<
It was quite a pleasant Thursday in April. Perfect, in fact, with the
exception of just a few small, dark clouds scattered about in the vast
sky. Things were going just as usually as always at Purinken High. After
spending $250,000 to change the fire "alarms" into fire "pennywhistles",
the administration decided to spend an additional $7.2 million to change
the bell's sound effect from "simple beep" to "constipated man". And
putting good use to this new investment, the bell had chirped its lovely
tune for the sixth time of the day, signifying only one thing - break.
The P-Taku circle knew very well to meet under the tree outside. One by
one, the four students gathered. Muki Muki-Kun, the first there, was
smily as usual. Usako-Chan, coming with his friend Ataru, was as curvy
as ever, and Ataru-Kun was.. well... Ataru. It seemed as if the P-Taku
circle was undergoing a quintessential day, laughing, smiling, talking,
and running out of conversational ideas after about 6 minutes. It was
just like always, that is, until P-Chan arrived.
"Ah, I see you are all contemplating the inevitable - yes, cease not to
cower at the deterioration of our conversational discussing. It is
imperative we utilize the meaniful dialect as efficiently as possible,
while extrapolating and manipulating fact," P-Chan said, lowering his
wrist to a comfortable position. The other three could not help but
blink a bit, considering P-Chan's usual introduction of, "I ate a
potato!"
The remaining time of the minuscule break slipped by, like always. Talk
merged with the throwing of tree spikes, and conversation topics ranged
dramatically, changing from Sailor Mars' chest, to Naga's. The foursome
chomped down their food, and became engaged in the moment. Still,
P-Chan's greeting remained extremely peculiar, especially to Ataru, who
knew that something was up.
School on Friday didn't stray from the typical Friday. Whenever the
weekend drew near, the predominant school population was preoccupied
only with the upcoming weekend, including the usual silly events like
parties, concerts, and sanitary restroom facilities. However, the four
Otaku couldn't care less, for they had much more special events to
anticipate. P-Chan was planning his very special, first ever trip to
Newark Airport. From there, he would go to some sort of country, or
place, on perhaps an airplane. Ataru, Usako, and MukiMuki, though
envious of P-Chan going to Newark Airport, still could only think of one
thing - Knight Realms. In fact, as soon as the bell rang, Muki:Muki
dashed to his car to go. Once he got there, he realized that it was the
first bell of the day, and had to drive all the way back. It was a long
day, and he and the two other Otaku had no choice but to wait
impatiently as time crept by agonizingly slowly.
Finally the moment came. Muki()Muki rushed to his car, with Usako right
behind him. Ataru, instead of immediately charging to Muki*Muki's car,
thought ahead. In order to spare himself from the pit of all foul vile
stench (the Knight Realms bathroom), he quickly did his business
transaction in the school facilities. After he received a paper receipt
(and used it), he gathered his belongings and dashed out to where his
friends were waiting. After calls of "Hyaku! Hyaku! Ikimasho!" and
"Naito-Rerumzu ni iko!", they zoomed off like a weasel going to an egg
festival.
"Wow! This is gunna be so cool! Ah, I can't believe it - my first time
at Mystic Realms!" said the obviously extatic Ataru.
"Ah, Ataru-KUN, remember, it's KNIGHT realms!!! " interjected Usako. He
lightly smacked his traveling companion on the top of his head. "Baka
ne..." But just as suddenly as Usako said that, Ataru remembered
something which he knew was extremely important, but which he forgot to
announce,
"Hey, guys. There's been something that's been on my mind for a while.
You know how about two weeks ago I got out early from class and was
sitting alone at the tree for awhile?" They nodded. "Well, the weirdest
thing happened then! I was just sitting there alone with no one else
around, and suddenly this thing jumped in front of me! Let's see... it
was dark-colored, short, fat, and very accurately resembled a cute bear.
I thought at first it was Ms. Jacobs, until it started speaking to me in
a deep, echoish voice. It said stuff that was so weird. Something like,
�Greetings to you. The name of the self of me is referred to by some as
Pogterunoj. There is message of the knowledge of me which to you i am
suppose to give. Well you shall listen. On the day of the sixteenth of
the month of April the action of the drive of the journey to the realms
of the knight at the time of ten and six minutes after the four of the
clock of the time of the m of the p of the standard of the eastern shall
result in the surprise of the group of the travelers of the car of muki
of the muki. I have a cookie!'
I wonder what he meant. Well, it's going to be 4:16 in about ten
minutes, so I guess we'll find out soon enough. Oh, and I hope you
aren't mad at me for telling you on such short notice..." Neither of
them said the were at all angry, but MuKimUKi's face was red and Usako's
head was three times the normal size, since he was trying not to shout
and make everyone deaf. Ataru offered Usako a lollypop. He accepted.
Knight Realms was still a mighty distance away, and the clock was
ticking even faster than before. Keeping the words said by Pogterunoj in
their minds, the threesome could only ponder what terrifying things
could happen. I'll be chased by a bird, thought M�ki-M�ki. I know I'll
be shot at by a fighter plane, worried the nervous Usako. He had already
devised a list of things to do (or throw at) Ataru, if he lived to get
out of the car. Ataru was worried about himself more than anything else.
I don't think this makes me too super a man. Wow, next time I'll be more
careful to never tell anything to anyone! And even as they had their
possibly final thoughts, the clock continued to count down to 4:16,
ticking faster and faster.
Two minutes remained until the clock read 4:16. The seconds ticked by,
each one causing the three Otaku to cringe. Focused so intently on the
dawning moment, they instinctively murmured the time.
"A minute thirty... a minute twenty... a minute ten... a minute five...
a mi--- NAN DA!?" Suddenly a blinding light penetrated the unsuspecting
bodies! They tried to shield their eyes, but it was ineffective. The
power of this beaming light was of a magnitude which had never even seen
close to, and as much as they wanted it to vanish, it unwaveringly
shined bright. And because it incessantly entered the car, the three
realized what was happening... SOMETHING.
Suddenly (as if the situation wasn't bad enough), Ataru, Usako, and
Miku-Miku felt as if they were heaved backwards. Soon after, they
discovered they were moving. With no scenery, it was almost impossible
to determine exactly how fast the car was going, but judging from the
thrust that started the movement, it seemed pretty darn fast. Once they
got used to it, the situation became more tolerable, though they still
could not open their eyes in the blinding light.
"I have idea!" shouted Usako, breaking the much more relaxing silence.
"We can play Jan-Ken!"
Muki~Muki didn't buy into it so fast. He mentioned that playing a
visual-based game when it's impossible to see could get very icky.
"No, it's easy!" Usako replied, "we just make our symbol, then poke the
other people with it. It's a non-stop barrel of fun!" So knowing that it
would take hours to change his mind and make him be quiet about it,
Ataru and MukiMuki-Kun started to play. The game started out smoothly,
with each player winning a few rounds, while having lots of fun poking
each other. But of course, the barrel of fun quickly degraded into a
barrel of non-sterilized hypodermic needles and intestine transplants.
Once the three guys became engaged in the game, the competition started
to heat up. Muki-Muki knocked the wind out of Ataru using his
bone-crushing "Rock", which temporarily prevented him from playing. When
being forced to remove himself from the game for that period of time,
Ataru gathered up all his anger and managed to gouge out Usako's eye.
Twice.
"HAAAaaaaahhhh Haaaaahhhhh hhhhhaaaa....." They froze. It was a cold,
deep voice that seemed to come from every direction. Though it seemed
distant, the power and magnitude of it thrust a biting chill to the core
of every bone. Usako and Muki=Muki looked at each other in complete
disbelief. Words did not need to be used to describe the complete
amazement and fear they both felt. Ataru would have felt this way too,
only something about that voice captured him- something that neither of
the other two felt.
He thought back to the day when the strange bear-like thing spoke to
him. This was a similar kind of voice, but not quite the same. It was
softer, more gentile, and though still disturbing, had something nice
and fluffish about it. But before he could think about the voice any
more, the light which previously had been blinding started to dim.
Images started to flash by the windows, which all seemed to resemble
some greater concept. First, came a smile, then another smile, then
another, and another several hundred, followed by alcohol and an
extremely cute secretary with an extremely short skirt. Food followed
this barrage of objects, showing images of noodles and live fish which
were being eaten by people. Last came a 700-inch higher-definition
television screen under the label
"Fukusushikonnichiwachibitanakachankunsansamamookafooka". It then
occurred to them all at once where this light had carried them ---
"JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-
Muki)(Muki had expected to land in a nicer, less remote section of his
favorite country, and quite frankly did not know what to do. The three
had apparently landed in a remote country village.
"Well, we all know that country people here hate Americans and can
barely speak a word of English. Hmm, maybe I can use my broken English
technique to get us help!", Ataru said. He looked around for someone,
and eventually found a teenage Japanese boy, who looked about the same
age as the disoriented Otaku. Ah, badness. Amerikan aho aah hee-ya, the
Japanese boy thought. He looked for a leaf to hide behind, but it was
too late. The stupid American tourists were approaching too fast. He
prepared for the worst, but was amazed when one of them, Ataru, actually
could speak in his very dialect,
"I have cookie!" screamed Ataru, knowing very well how to start a
conversation.
"Oh! I alsoing have cookie!" screamed the excited Japanese kid.
"I have gun I point you" said Ataru, pulling out his �22 caliber cougar
intercept.
"Oh, iis no good!" said the Japanese kid. He now knew he was cornered.
Left was blocked, as was forward and backward. He could run right, but
that was considered an insult to those who preferred escaping to the
left and would bring years of shame to his family and ancestors if he
ran that way, so acknowledging the ancient conduct code of wa, he had no
choice but to give in to the large, stinky Bakamerikajins.
The kid, who they later found out was named Fukimuki, or Fuku for
short, took them to his car. Of course, they weren't expecting a
Japanese sized car - but the four of them still managed to squeeze into
the 1.3 square feet of the "car" which was available. Finally, they were
ready to go to Tokyo! After driving through various roads, passing small
houses and fields, and trying to eat the seat cushions when Fuku wasn't
looking, the golden-grayish city of limited opportunity was in sight!
"Here Tokyo you go BYEEEEEEEEEEE!" quickly said Fuku, eager to escape
and buy a new seat cushion. But just when he thought his pain was over,
Usako asked,
"Hey, Cookie, wanna come along with us? I'm sure we can have fun
together! At school, I was rated the person easiest to have fun with.
C'mon!"
"Ano..." Ataru interrupted, "You weren't voted into that, you were
voted most likely to read the book, If you are a hamster, then so am I.
Baka ne..."
"Quiet you!"
In the meantime, Fukimuki looked a bit torn. Would he be polite and go
with the Amerikajins, or would he be an obnoxious asshole and run away?
The thought divided him, and eventually he went with his common sense
and decided to go with them.
"Okay I going..."
"YAY! TA-YA!" the three-taku screamed. They had a Japanese person, they
had each other, they had Tokyo, and they had no ability to reason. They
were prepared to have nothing but fun.
-
The cleanliness was astounding to Ataru, Usako, and M&M. Each slab of
sidewalk was missing the usual yuckies like dirt and grime. There was
not a piece of litter to be seen, either. Every single bit of trash was
deposited in a bin, which had a smily face painted on it. And even more
startling to them, whatever could be recycled was actually placed in a
special green bin meant for recycling, which in this case had an even
larger smiling person painted on it. Of course, people also adhered to
the large, puke-green colored signs which were strategically placed all
over Tokyo. They read, "The nail which sticks up (not literally) gets
hammered down (literally)." And even though there were several policemen
with astoundingly large hammers, they never seemed use them since each
person behaved so well.
MulkiMjuki had some cash, and before he could hide it, it had been
converted to yen. First, they realized that since they didn't exactly
have time to bring along a suitcase, they would start becoming very
stinky if they only had one shirt. They passed a few streets full of
busy people and screaming merchants, and finally walked by a small store
called "iWear, uWear, weallWearing tShirt!" There were several window
shoppers around, peering at the different colors and designs. Most of
the shirts had either some sort of kana, or a romanized word or two. But
what struck the foursome as being rather peculiar was the one shirt on
display which read "I Love Foreigners!" After picking out a few shirts
each, most with scantily dressed anime girls, they quickly left the
store, eager to see the rest of the goldenish-gray city.
After they had left the shirt shop, Mooki Mooki suggested that they get
anime to watch later. After walking a block or so, they found two anime
shops, side by side. The first place, a very large store, was called,
"Super All Kind Ever Made Of Anime Shoppie Here!". The adjacent one was
smaller, greyer, and had more expensive price tags attached to the
merchandise. Confusingly enough, many more customers entered the
supposedly worse store. Perhaps because it was called "If going to nicie
shop to left, you feeling bad not coming hee-yaa SO YOU COME NOW!"
Sightseeing, walking, eating, and shopping filled countless hours, and
soon enough, the land of the rising sun's sun started to fall from the
land. Hordes of lamps which held unusually happy- looking light bulbs
synchronically cast their fakely-made illumination on the streets. As
the wives and children entered their homes for the evening, and as the
men entered the strip clubs, Ataru suddenly realized that they didn't
have a place to spend the night. He suggested that they go to the
nearest inexpensive hotel and get to bed early, since there would be
plenty of action to come the next day. The walk to You Sleepy Now So
Going Bed Hotel went peacefully, without any surprises, at least until
the very end. As he was walking into the hotel, Usako noticed a small
Korean-ish fellow wearing a hat and glasses walking in the street. He
looked like a businessman for a large fish company. But before Usako
could get a second glance, this mysteriously familiar person lowered his
wrist into a comfortable position, and a cab pulled up and took the
mysterious person away. "Cripes," Usako thought. But then he realized he
was looking at a sign which actually said "Crepes... at Hotel's
Restaurant", and so he quickly ran inside.
Choosing the right place to spend the night was not as pleasant as
Ataru hoped. After waiting behind several people for a room, he finally
had his chance. Behind the marble counter, a short and cute receptionist
stood, ready to make many businessmen's night comfortable. Ataru
approached the desk once it was his turn, and asked politely for the
rates. Apparently, he didn't pick up on the fact that there was a forty
foot sign right above the receptionist's head, showing, in English, the
exact rates for each accommodation in the building. Ah, he American
dame-yo dame -yo DAME-YO!, the smiling desk lady thought. Still, she
could only look happy and carefully explain the pricing plans, since
company policy said that receptionists couldn't get angry at lazy,
incompetent, smelly, ugly, uneducated, unethical, greedy, corrupt,
exploitive, shameless, and extremely annoying foreigners.
"Yes you see! Room no room ees 100000000 yen! Room little room ees
40000000000000 yen! Room reery a rot room ees 17 yen! Ha ha ha room and
room same word! Ha ha ha ha ha I make joke!" she said. Ataru, though
tempted by the "room with room", knew that in Japanese society, it is
imperative to never put the wishes of yourself above the needs of
others. And though the price for the nice room was a bit more reasonable
(by several million yen), he couldn't lower himself to the social status
of an American automobile manufacturer. So, desiring a position higher
than "dead squirrel carcass", he conformantly purchased the "room no
room".
Ataru and the others lethargically walked up the stairs to the fifth
floor. By now, most people had settled in for the night, with midnight
approaching fast. Finally, after a very long and confusing day, they
opened the door to their sleeping quarters. The room itself was about 3
feet by 5 feet. No furniture was included, either, except a piece of
styrofoam which sufficed as a mattress. To explain the absence of, well,
everything, a folded sign made from a sheet of paper said, in Japanese,
"Please using here as bedroom and kitchen and bed and floor and chair
and else. Or, thinking you alsoing of instead it is bedroom and not
REST. Ha ha ha ha ha I make joke!!!" The Japanese sign's attempt at
making an American pun was enough to knock Ataru and everyone else out
for the night. But though they immediately fell asleep, the night would
be far longer than they expected.
-
Ataru saw the vague image of an older woman enravelled in dark cloths.
He was standing in what he thought was a traditional Japanese shrine.
The moon was mostly hidden by clouds, and its faint light revealed
little about his surroundings. But though little could be seen beyond
the shrine, the shrine itself was well lit. Several small torches
huddled in the center of the shrine, emitting their warm, radiant glow,
allowed "everybody's favorite hero(tm)" get a glimpse of this mysterious
shrine.
The floor was built in traditional Japanese style. The floor had been
built with planks of smooth and refined hard wood. Each narrow plank
was perfectly in line with the next, allowing no cracks to be seen. Its
tannish color felt very comforting and satisfying. A simple railing
bordered the edge of the floor, and several steps on either end led down
to the ground. In the center of the shrine, where Ataru stood, beautiful
scrolls hung on the walls. It was impossible to read the cryptic kanji
symbols, but it did not matter, for seeing them flow on the canvas in
their beautiful and intriguing manner was just as satisfying. Close to
each corner, several flourishing plants were scattered about, all which
hung on the ceiling. Their full, lush, green body was missing even the
smallest welt, perhaps because of the rich soil supplied in the earthen
pots where they laid. The perfection and intrigue of this imaginary
place seemed so much more than just an image from a dream.
Ataru had become so engaged in his surroundings, he forgot about the
very imposing figure standing three feet in front of him, who now had an
extremely large sweat drop trickling down the side of her face. Her head
raised just a bit - but enough to see her face much sharper than
before. As Ataru had noticed earlier, the skin of her face was wrinkled
with old age. The few strands of hair which passed over her head were
white as the politician's lie, "Everything is just fine. There's no need
to panic." But when she gazed at her visitor, the eyes of her beamed
with light and vigor, with power stronger than ones Atari had ever seen
before in a person. He then knew that this garbed lady was indeed one of
the ancient Zhhfrumdnuberkrust - the rare clan of people regarded with
unsurpassed awe, because they seemed to be important in some sort of
way.
Suddenly, her withered hand rose slowly upwards. The mysterious
Zhhfrumdnuberkrust had her pointer finger aimed directly at her visitor.
With a voice that echoed and reverberated, she uttered the words "we
will meet again". Then, there was nothing but the cold, dreamless
darkness.
-
Usako found himself in a wooden hot tub, relaxed and warm. The water,
which was slowly trickling from the small faucet, burbled into the body
of water which Usako was bathing in. A thick, balmy mist clouded any
details in the room, so all Usako could see was himself, the bathtub,
and a wooden floor. He had no idea whether the walls were five feet away
or fifty. As he saw his body, he was stunned and thought to himself,
"Wow! I never knew it was so big!", referring to his knee cap. He knew
that one that size would get lots of action with the ladies.
Suddenly, a familiar, yet haunting voice echoed through the room.
Seeming to come from all directions at once, it emitted the words "I
shall see you soon, Usako, and then... Oh, wait a sec. This damn wrist
hurts like hell... Mmumph... Fiddle fat... Gurpppppp..." And then the
dream was over.
-
Cat Girl Muku-Muku found himself in quite a pleasant park. Towering
trees of all types cast their beautiful verdant foliage to provide shade
from the radiant sun. He was sitting in a traditional Japanese pagoda.
The wooden bench on which he was sitting seemed to be constructed of
just a few planks of wood, with two stone slabs as the feet. He started
craving an extremely large pillow, but was equally satisfied with the
refreshing simplicity and questionable comfort the bench provided. On a
vast, grassy lawn, several bright-eyed chibi children played the
traditional Japanese game of Let's be noncompetitive! A dozen yards
(yes, I can use both of the measurement systems if I damn well please)
away from the gleeful, laughing children, sat several teens. They seemed
to be having a vivid conversation, laughing, chatting away, paying no
attention to time or their surroundings. The setting was perfect, and
AMuki-PMuki thought it would be wonderful just to sit and rest a while.
Wow, iMuki thought to himself, I've never seen a place as vivid and
fresh as this. It's like a dream world... oh right, it is... but still,
it's even like a dream world inside a dream world... So fresh... There
are few places as magnificent and fresh as this. As soon as he had his
little thought, a bell chimed in the distance, clearly signaling
something. Soon, many teens looking about fourteen, or fifteen at the
oldest, started marching off toward the direction of the chime. These
kids were accompanied by a dark, mysterious figure fully covered in
black robes. Except for that one guy, even they seem fresh...
-
Fuku-kun, now beginning to have a good time with his new acquaintances,
instantly fell into a deep sleep the moment his head hit the
uncomfortable styrofoam mat. When he entered his dream, he expected to
find himself in a quintessential Japanese situation - playing Dragon
Quest, watching Anime, or maybe getting yelled at by his mother for not
going outside for several months (it was not until last year when he
remembered that Sun was more than just a generic last name of most
Koreans). However, the scenario which he entered didn't seem like
anything of the sort. It confused and perplexed him, making his head
hurt in a tingling kind of way. Directly in front of him was his mother
and siblings eating dinner. They were slurping up delicious Yaki-soba,
prepared by his Okasan. He wanted to sit down and join the meal, but the
strange imposing figure at the end of the table made him a bit
skeptical.
The man at the end of the table looked like the standard business man.
He had large glasses, looked about 5'9, wore a tie, and didn't really
say much. Fukimuki knew he was familiar, as if he had seen him years
ago. After thinking extremely hard, he finally recognized this person,
and a smile formed on his face. "Hi, otosan!" the man's son said. The
man opened his mouth for the first time. "Who you... oh, is my son. Hi."
said the obviously affectionate businessman and newly discovered father.
As he sipped his twelfth glass of sak�, he could not resist the urge to
start yammering.
"Hai, Fukimuki! Ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ahhh... Yes, four plus three plus
two plus five plus ha ha ha ha ha ha I lost count :(. Okai, so very long
ago but NOT TOOOOO LONG Aafta work, I go get much sake. It was long day
- third 27-hour day in week. Ho ho ho. And then, I go to ding ding house
and go ding ding! Nine month after, I "adopt" baby so wife no find out!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha I go ding!" Then, he glanced over and nociced how his
wife sat right in front of him, and quickly had the BIGGEST SWEAT DROP
IN THE HISTORY OF JAPAN.
And of course, the dark, spooky, eerily familiar figure entered
Fuku-kun's dream, too. Fuku noticed him and questioned, "Who fuck are
you?" The mystery-man paused for a moment, and said "Oh hell! It's too
tiring going from one dream to another to another to another. It's not
easy, you know! And what about this voice! Do you know how tough it is
to make it echo? You don't just go into a book store and buy a small,
convenient pamphlet about it! Aye........" Then, he noticed everyone
slurping their noodles and couldn't help but politely ask the family,
"Say, those noodles look very tasty. Mind if I join you?" The polite
Japanese family didn't have any particular objections to his staying, so
they gladly shared their soba noodles and sake with the mysterious
evil-ish dream invader. The evil guy seemed dismal and humorless at
first, but in fact, he proved to be much better company than they
expected. To their delight, he spoke perfect Japanese ("Ho ho ho I you
language knowing!"). And after several quaffings of alcohol, he cracked
several jokes with his cunning wit, and even demonstrated his ability to
play the nose-tuba. But after about an hour of alcohol-filled merriment,
the evil guy suddenly jumped up, and was certainly pissed. "Oh shit! I
completely forgot about my wrist surgery. Now it's weeks more of lowe---
Hey, on second thought, screw that! Who's for karaoke and Japanese strip
bingo!?"
-
The night soon passed, and the land of the rising sun's sun was rising.
There was no need for an alarm to wake the four up - instead, they used
the convention method of being jarred awake by thousands of over-awake
Japanese people. The business men spoke in a commanding and loud voice,
assertively barking "OHIO GOZAMASU!!!" at anyone they could find. Women,
on the other hand, screamed their own variation of the morning
introduction, using a phrase that sounded much like "OHUAIAIMAAAS!!" The
flood of overpolite shouting soon poured into the room of the groggy
baka foreigners. Once the four were jarred awake, they haphazardly put
on whatever articles of clothing they could find, and lethargically left
their room-no-room.
"So," Ataru asked his friends as he exited his room, "how were your
dreams last night?"
"Um... interesting..." and sweat drops soon followed.
"Yeah... me... too..." Ataru said, "mine was very interesting, indeed.
It seemed almost foreboding in a way..."
None of the four wished to converse after their brief question and
answer period, so they slowly meandered down the hallway, as they planed
on doing. Fuku was much more ambitious, knowing he was accepted in
Japanese society. He quickly joined the barrage of happiness, and soon
his shouting blended in with all the rest. Ataru, Usako, and Got Muki?
were not quite so ambitious, however. As they tiredly marched to the
elevators, they had to fend off the several people who even tried to be
nice to the foreigners.
"OHAIOGOIMAA!" one lady shouted to Ataru's face.
"Oh, fuck off" he replied, and continued to march to the elevator just
to escape this madness. It was just his luck when he discovered that
these hundreds of Japanese people who supposedly just stood randomly
were actually in line, and in front of him. Evidentially, on the busiest
days of the week,, during the morning rush, elevator operators wanted to
do more than just gruffly move a metal shaft up and down. Instead, they
realized how much people would enjoy playing a game to board the
elevator. So, they constructed their new elevator policy, requiring
people to successfully play a game of jan-ken-pon before receiving
transportation to the lobby. If the person did not beat the elevator
operator, he or she would be so happy from just playing the game in the
first place, that he would relocate himself to the posterior of the line
and wait again. Nobody had the nerve to tell the hotel managers that the
elevator game was perhaps the stupidest and outright pointless game they
had ever heard of. So, suffering from their own reservations, each
customer had to arduously play the elevator game. After an hour of
waiting in line, it was Ataru's turn. He listened impatiently as the
elevator operator explained the rules.
OK listening Are you YES Ok ha ha aha ha! The hand we go JAN then a KEN
PON getting it? It go down then slowly FAST STOP! Decision now yours to
do, but DO NOTTIE do gun - it against law! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE!
So then make Either THE ROCK OOOH BAD NO DO ROCK!!! Or the snip they go
SNip! Flattie is other choice. Ok now 222222222222222222222222222222
number rules!!! Handie go rock go bye bye handie go snip. Bu handie go
FLATtie and no ROCK! But handie go snip no make handie to flattie go
yay. And you making misuta pinky just go up make you yakuza and you go
free in elevator! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK
FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY.....
STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is
time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE!
OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET..
READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no
kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA
HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No make
Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU!
I no kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA
HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No
make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR
REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY.....
STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is
time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE!
OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET..
READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no
kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA
HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No make
Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU!
I no kidding this is time sO No make Joke! SET.. READY..... STOP! HA HA
HA HA HA I MAKE JOKE! OK FOR REE-ARU! I no kidding this is time sO No
make Joke! SET.. REA-----"
Ataru held up his pinky, seeing if his cunning plan would work.
Immediately the elevator man's sense of humor halted. He looked at Ataru
with diligent recognition, bowed a moderate distance, and gave Ataru the
sacred entrance to the elevator. Usako and Moo-Key Moo-Key followed
suit, and quickly got aboard the elevator, anxious to leave this
godawful hotel. Their relaxed mood became tense, though, when Fuku-kun
approached the game-playing guard. Americans don't ever feel obligated
to tell the truth, and concentrate more on getting their own damn way at
the expense of others. The Japanese, on the other hand, feel that
telling the truth is absolutely imperative. But he, too, raised his
pinky, and slipped inside.
The three Americans smiled, glad their little trick worked. However,
Fuku's expression was one much more of surprise. "Wow," he said, "you
all Yakuza too! I no know gei-aho-baka-amerika-jin amerikabaka aho's
allowed being yakuza! Ooooh..." The other three's faces turned a slight
red, and a water drop graced down their face. But the discussion didn't
continue, partly because nothing was left to talk about, but also
because they all were eating a bagel.
The elevator came to a stop once it reached the lobby. Before it
opened, it started to talk.
"Ah.." it said, "thank you for the you using of me. I hope that our
joint venture of transportation elevated your opinion of I. Ha ha ha ha
ha I make joke!" Fuku tried conversing with it, but his companions
dragged him out. Suddenly, the elevator said, "I apologize for upcoming
rudeness. If you wanting know the bad, then the bad is my." Then, a loud
buzzer resonated throughout the magnificent lobby. The hotel
receptionist, who served the group the night before, ran up to them with
a large box of objects.
"Ah ho ho you very stupid!" she reprimanded, "You break international
hotel code of JAPAN!!!" Ataru puzzlingly looked at Usako, who
questioningly looked at ikuM-ikuM, who was preoccupied with the
intricate floor carvings which were made up of asparagusses and large
tongues. The receptionist continued - "If coming Japan hotel, and you
not womans, must wearing camera and glasses and smoke cigarette." She
expediently dispersed those items to the four code-violaters, then
quickly uttered "Aigaoooimoss" and returned to her usual desk position.
Feeling considerably tired, the group relaxed on the comfortable
couches in the center of the lobby. Remembering the hotel code, they
took pictures of literally everything, and inhaled 3,000 carcinogens,
tar, addictive nicotine, and seven-years-off-their-life. Far in the
distance, Fuku saw a strange looking, short Asian-ish person. His
appearance was strictly Yakuza - slicked back hair, Hawaiian shirt,
Bermuda shorts, and just a bit of cushioning around the chest. Still,
the person didn't look a bit Japanese, and instead seemed distinctly
Korean. The Yakuza-like person lowered his wrist to open the hotel
doors, and inconspicuously slipped into the crowd.
Ataru and company lethargically remained on the couches for a while
longer. Just as they began to fall asleep, a mysterious woman clothed in
black robes approached the group. Very little could be seen of her - her
body was predominantly hidden by the black cloth around her. A hood went
over her head, so even her face was hidden under a shadow.
She spoke. "Ataru, Usako, Fuku-kun, and whoever-the-hell-you-are, your
being here is no coincidence. The danger ahead of you is large. More
than that, it's really fucking big. You're in deep shit, and my god I'm
glad I'm not you. Oh... anyway, your being here is no coincidence."
"Ah--" interrupted Ataru, "didn't you already say that coincidence
part??"
"Shut up. As I was saying, your being here is no--- oh right. The
battle against the Arch-Evil-Unfriendly-Feenie-Meanie Evil King is
drawing near. Though he's probably going to crush you all like small
defenseless little bugs and proceed to destroy the world, you still must
try to defeat him. It has been prophecized that only the four of you are
capable of destroying this nemesis. I personally think that the prophet
had far too much sake, but I guess we'll see, won't we?
"I have prepared directions for you. In order to stand any chance
against your foe,you must do exactly as I say. The directions on this
map contain the path to the Shrine of Truth." She handed Ataru an old
map. "The Boy of Truth shall be waiting for you there. I have already
informed him about the four of you, so he will be sure to identify you.
And remember! You must ask him for the secret dirt. He will explain what
to do next. I wish you the best of luck, and my heart tells me that you
might succeed!"
"I just have two questions," said Ataru.
"Yes, my young boy." replied the sage.
"First," Ataru said, "this map is from 75,000 BC. Tokyo has a
population of three."
"Ah, I could respond to that, except it wasn't in the form of a
question, as I declared it must be. Next?"
"Frmrff... ok - WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU THAT WE WOULD SAVE THE WORLD? WAS
IT JUST SOME MAGIC EIGHT BALL??!!"
"Ah, not even close. It was my magic *nine* ball, one of just three in
the world. The boy of truth also has one, and Parker Brothers, who made
them, has the other. They have never lied. Not ever. If the magic nine
ball says so, believe me, it is most likely true."
"I see," commented Ataru, "and I wish to start traveling immediately.
But before we go, is there anything else which you could tell us?"
"Your being here is no coincidence."
--------------------------------
That ends the first half/chapter/part or whatever of P-Taku no Fic. If
there is enough good response, I'll gladly write a second half. If
there's enough bad response, I'll write a second half anyway just to
tickle your meanie-angry bone. If you know someone who's Japanese,
please don't tell them where I live - mainly because I value my life.
Also, since I don't really subscribe to the list, please send all C&C to
me directly, at jinnai@longlivethemac.com
By the way, please don't be one of those obnoxiously finicky people.
Please don't point out that the prophet is later referred to as a magic
eight ball. Don't bother mentioning that the characters are all guys who
have nothing to do with anime at all. If you consider the staggering
irrelevance and irreverence of this story, does continuity really
matter? Also, keep in mind that this is my first fic, and so I'm still
learning how to write inordinantly long stories. On the other hand, I'd
love comments and suggestions, or perhaps smily remarks, or basically
any other feedback you have to offer about writing a damn good fic.
Also, before you jump all over me, please read this second disclaimer :
There are several inside jokes sparatically inserted throughout the
text, but I'm not telling you where they are. That way, if a joke isn't
funny, I can always just say that you don't get it! Also, please
understand that when I write, I get a bit too carried away, which is a
colossal understatement. Understand though, that I mean absolutely no
offence to anyone or anything in any way, shape, or form. I happen to
love Japan, which you probably wouldn't expect after reading this.
Well, iDont think that there is much left to say, except that MUFFINS
RULE!!!
Arigato! I be thanking you ha ha ha ha ha I make joke!