The Strike

By Mike Allen

All Characters yadda, yadda, Takahashi, yadda yadda.




The room was built to hold twenty people comfortably.  However, today it
held twenty-one upset actors, one angry writer, and four happy lawyers.
Two from the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe represented the
writer.  The other two lawyers represented the actors and were from the
law firm of Izzat, Reilly, and Sough.

The meeting had just started its ninth hour.  This made the lawyers very
happy because they billed by the minute.

The spokesperson for the actors spoke up.  He was of average height and
sported a pig-tail.  In fact, he was the actor who played the dual roles
of Ranma Saotome.  "As I said my good woman, as a group we have become
increasingly tired of the stereotypical way that our characters have
been written and portrayed lately.  My character, for instance, has had
more than a year to explore both sides of the gender equation and the
most he can ever say about the difference between men and women is that
he doesn't want to be  a girl?  I say, don't you think he would've
gained a little insight into how his girlfriends feel when he acts like
a cad?"  His accent betrayed his time at Eton.

"I'm not responsible for how you are portrayed in fan fiction.   I
finished writing your canon several years ago," Ms. Takahashi responded.

"Yes, dear one, but you still retain the ability to set these authors
straight."

"I'm too busy writing.  In fact, I have spent far too much time here
already."  she closed her notebook and stood to leave.  Turning to her
two lawyers, she added, "Handle it."

The two land sharks turned and bowed slightly in her direction before
turning back to the table.

"Alright, let's go over the list of complaints again."  This gave rise
to groans from the actors.  "This time let's start with the supporting
cast.  What's wrong with Cologne's portrayal?"

"Other than being a living mummy who always pogos around on her stick,
nothing too much."  The actor who normally played said character
answered sarcastically.

The lawyers taking her words at face value asked, "Very well we will ask
to have you portrayed as a more normal great grandmother.  Anything
else?"

"A good sex scene would be nice.  Just because someone is old doesn't
mean that they stop having needs and wants.  I'd like to show that to
the audience," she stated.  "If you can't do that, how about letting me
be the villain?  Being the nice guru with all the answers gets really
boring."

"We'll see what we can do."

"Continuing with the Chinese characters, what's wrong with Shampoo's
use?"

"She's been stereotyped as a complete air-headed bimbo, just because of
her lack of skill in Japanese.  Really!  She's the best fighter of her
generation.  She defeated all of the challengers at the Amazon
tournament and all any of the writer's do is have her glomp Ranma and
say stupid things like 'Aiyah, Shampoo and husband go date now, yes?'
Don't you think she'd have some pride?  Don't you think she should be
able to at least use pronouns after a year in Japan?"  The sometimes
purple, sometimes blue, sometime bluish-purple haired woman said.  "And
another thing, why doesn't she go to school?  She's the same age as all
of the other teens."

"We'll see what we can do.  Okay... Mousse?"

"I want him to get some contacts.  My eyes are one of my best features
and no one can ever see them because of the glasses."  The long-haired,
handsome actor vainly asked.

"Uhm, you're talking about a character that's written down, not animated
anymore."  One of the actor's own lawyers said to him in a whisper.

"Oh." He thought for a second, "Never mind then."

"That was easy."  The lead attorney from DCH smiled at his partner.
"How about the Kuno family and its retainer, Sasuke?"

"Ya know?  I'm, like, really, really tired of talkin like some
Shakespeare squonk.  If I gotta spout some dumb poetry junk, Why can't I
use somethin cool? Like, somethin out a Mad magazine or somethin. "  The
tall boy in a dress continued. "I like the bokken and using it.  It's
fun.  But I'd really like to win a fight once in a while.  After all
Tatewaki is the undefeated champion.  Yet he can't even touch his
bare-handed opponents anymore."

The raven haired beauty next to him interrupted, "Yes, and I'm always
laughing insanely at nothing.  I'll grant that Kodachi is a little bit
different, but shouldn't that make her more exotic and enticing rather
than scary and crazy?"

"Eh?  I don't gotta problem widda way I be wroten.  I only wish I could
get de keikki and da wahini ta act properly when dey at da school."
Everyone edged slightly away from him as he spoke.  They guessed that
his submersion acting technique had gone a little too far.

"Me?  I'm tired of playing a sniveling little rat that every time he's
used gets complaints that Gosunkugi should've been used instead."  The
small little man said as he lit up a cigar.

The two lawyers from DWC looked at each other and said in unison, "We'll
see what we can do.  Now what is wrong about Ryouga's characterization?"

"I'm tired of the little joke about getting lost.  It's gotten out of
hand.  I sometimes don't even know what dimension he'll land in when he
turns a corner.  I ask you, how many times and ways can you ask, 'Where
am I?'  I'm sick of it.  While it is fun to play an emotional character,
frankly, I'd like to play an emotion other than anger or depression."
Ryouga's actor stated flatly.

The standard response of "We'll see what we can do" was again used.

The actor who plays Ukyou now spoke up.  "Youse guys oughta know dat I
hate soundin like a hick from da sticks.  Hows about lettin me use my
New Yawk accent?  I'm sure da more erudite readers would appreciate da
culture."

This time the two lawyers looked at each other for a full minute.  Then
the junior associate said, "We'll see what we can do."

The senior associate now spoke again, "Let's look at the friends Akane
and Ranma have at Furinkan, shall we?"

The four character actors glanced at each other before the one who plays
Sayuri spoke up, "We're tired of being the Greek chorus to either Akane
or Ranma.  It seems like all we ever do is react to what has happened to
them.  When will we get a chance to shine?  All we want is a chance to
show what we can do!"  The others nodded their heads in agreement.

"We'll see what we can do."  The senior associate said this time.  He
didn't even bother to look up from where he was drawing a picture of the
DoCo girls.

"Okay, what's the beef with Happosai's characterization?"

"While I appreciate a woman's body as much as any man, don't you think
enough is enough?  For crying out loud, my character has a larger
collection of women's lingerie than most stores!  Do you know how much
it takes out of me to jump around and take all of the punishment as
Happosai?  I'm too old for this."

Feeling smart, the senior lawyer for DCH said, "Please refer to my
earlier answer for the position of our client in regards to your
complaint."

"What's wrong with Nodoka's characterization?"

"There's not enough of it for one thing.  I only rarely ever get a
scene.  Then to add insult to injury, they often misspell the characters
name Nodaka, Nadoka, even Nokoda.  I'm a serious actor and must demand
that my character be utilized more fully and correctly."  The actress
pulled her katana half out of its sheath.

The two lawyers from DCH nervously eyed the sharp blade.  "I'm sure that
something will get done, madam."  The junior one said respectfully to
her.  She smiled at him and slowly pushed the sword back into place with
a long snickt.

"Uh, let's move on to your character, Soun Tendo," the senior associate
dabbed his brow to remove the sweat that had formed there.

"When I took the part, I was told that my character was a trained
martial artist who had pretty much raised his three girls single
handedly.  Well, that much was true.  No one told me that the only way
he has to show any emotion is to cry."  He paused dramatically,  "I want
to be able to play a real father, one that his daughters would come to
with their problems.  My character, as a martial artist, should be brave
and competent.  He's neither."

"We'll see what we can do."  The senior associate gave the lanky man
with a mustache a fake smile.

"What's wrong with playing Kasumi Tendo?"  The junior lawyer's eyes were
fixed firmly two feet below the actress's eyes.

"The only line I ever get to say is 'Oh my!'  For instance, if someone
tells me that they lost their homework, I'd be expected to say 'Oh my!'
If another character were to say that the Tendo home had fallen to the
ground in an earthquake my line would be, 'Oh my!'  Rather boring don't
you think?  It's gotten to the point that I feel like I'm playing an
object rather than a person."  The long-haired girl stated seriously.
"People often see me on the street and they either want me to come and
make them dinner or just stare at me waiting for me to say my line.
It's degrading."  She finished and stared at the younger representative
of DCH.

After a few moments, the senior nudged his partner.  The younger man
glanced up at the actress's face and said, "I'm sorry.  You're finished
aren't you?"  Seeing her head nod angrily in the affirmative, he
continued smarmily, "Well then, we'll see what we can do.  Next on the
list is your character, Nabiki Tendou."

The short-haired young woman tearily cried, "Do you know how hard it is
to act like an Ice Queen, caring for nothing buut money?   I hate this
role.  All I ever do is take advantage of other people.  I never get to
have any fun or expand my character's range.  It's always, 1000 yen for
this, 5000 for that.  She even charges her own family!"

Smiling at the actress, the older lawyer replied, "We'll see what we can
do, but for 100,000 yen we might be able to get something for you really
soon."  Turning to the woman who normally played Akane Tendou, he
motioned for her to begin her laments.

"I liked playing a girl so different from myself when I started.  She
was physical, strong, and very independent.  However, just because she
stuck up for herself every once in a while by hitting her fiance, now I
can't seem to get any scenes where I don't immediately assume something
wrong and bash him.  That's become so cliche.  Why not let her talk
through her problems once?  Maybe show her talking with her friends or
controlling herself?  Everyone grows up eventually."  When she finished,
she folded her hands in her lap and shyly looked down at her knees.

"We'll see what we can do."  Everyone in the room spoke the words as the
senior lawyer began to speak.  Nonplussed, the man shifted in his seat
before turning to the older gentleman who played Genma Saotome.  He was
dressed in a tweed business suit with black shoes that gleamed from
their polish.  "What about you?"

"Finally!"  the man leaned forward over the table as he raised his right
arm up, letting it fall forward as his hand first flopped towards his
body and then fell towards the table itself.  "Let me tell you!  I just
ha-a-ate playing Genma.  He's unkempt.  He's lazy."  As he spoke, he
continued using his hands to accentuate each point by swishing his arms
back and forth letting his hands flail limply.  "He is a horrible
parent.  He's a bully and a coward. Worst of all," his voice rose in
absolute disgust, "I've had to make love to women!  I had explicitly
demanded no love scenes in my contract!"  He shivered delicately as he
finished.

Looking at the actor with just a little disgust, the elder lawyer
started to open his mouth, saw the actors all beginning to speak and
simply motioned towards the actor that played Ranma Saotome.

"My dear sir, I've already told you my problems with my role.  I and my
compatriots sincerely want to know what, exactly, will be done about
this!'  His British accent was absolutely impeccable.

"To be perfectly honest, there's nothing that can be done short of suing
all of the authors that you dislike.  Ms. Takahashi has explicitly told
us to ignore any such writings unless they are being sold for profit."

The actors all looked at their own lawyers at this point.  The senior
representative from the firm of IRS looked at his opponents and began
speaking, "In that case, I have been empowered by my clients to give
this strike notice to you.  They will not work on any further Ranma 1/2
project until their demands have been satisfied."

The DWC lawyers smiled as they read the document handed to them.  They
reached into their briefcases and pulled out a sheaf of contracts.
"Thank you.  As you see we came prepared for this.  May we show your
clients who their replacements will be?  They may reconsider once they
see who will be playing their roles."

"In the title role of Ranma Saotome, we have garnered the services of
Jackie Chan.  He is the only currently working actor who has both the
comedic and martial skills to pull off the part."

"Hey, good choice!"  The actor who played Ranma grinned.  "Who you gonna
get to play the girl-side of Ranma?"

"Jackie has agreed to reshoot the training scene for the new opening
credits.  Thus, we will not need an actress to play the female Ranma."

"Does he know about the curse?"  The pig-tailed man half-asked,
half-wondered aloud.

"It's in his contract."

"It was in mine, too.  Does he know about the curse?"  The actor frowned
at the lawyer.

"Moving along in the cast, playing Genma Saotome will be the actor that
played the 'Chief' on the old Inspector Gadget show.  He's got the right
build for it and has shown the proper acting range."

"That man is a hack!  He hasn't worked a day since his show ended.  How
could they replace me with some no talent sidekick!"  The actor wailed
at the injustice of it all.

"Soun Tendou will be played by the mock turtle from 'Alice In
Wonderland.'  He can cry on demand, and really, does this character ever
need to do anything else?"

"I'm being replaced by a TURTLE!"  Screamed the actor in question.

"Actually, no.  He is a mock turtle," the uninterested response came
back.

"Playing Happosai will be Robin Williams.  He is a little young and tall
for the part, but I am assured that in the animefication process that
can be remedied."

"Hunh?  How dare they replace me with a younger man!"  The affected
actor was livid.

"At least he's human!"  The actor who played Soun remarked.

"Cologne will be replaced by Betty-Chan wrapped in mummy rags.  Phyllis
Diller will voice her.  Our marketing group has determined that no one
will notice the change," the senior member of the DCH team laughed a
little at the image playing in his mind.

"Hey, I guess they took the 'old mummy' cracks seriously.  This is
ridiculous.  Who would believe a plastic skeleton dressed in rags could
be me on a stick?"  She looked at her acting troupe for support, but for
some reason none of them would look her in the eye. "Right?"

"Ahem, to continue, Nodoka Saotome will be played by Anthony Hopkins, of
Psycho fame.  He has shown an affinity with edged weapons and looks
about as good in a dress."  The lawyer refused to look up at the glaring
woman.

"HOW DARE THEY REPLACE ME WITH A MAN!"  She stood up with her fists on
the table.  "I'll have you know that only a real woman could play
Nodoka."  She sat down in a huff.  "A man," she disgustedly murmured as
she crossed her arms across her breasts.

The lawyers from DCH both were smirking at the assembled actors.  "May
I?"  The younger asked of the senior.

"Absolutely."

The junior lawyer cleared his throat and started, "This is fun!  Playing
Kuchuo Kuno will be Jack Nicholson.  We feel that he has right flair for
the role.  However, he has asked us to replace all of the pineapples
with actual World War II vintage hand grenades."

"Dat might make de kekkei behave demselves."  The deeply immersed actor
agreed with the idea of the grenades.

"Tatewaki Kuno will be played by the straw man from the 'Wizard of Oz.'
He can't use a sword, but all he really has to do in this role is to get
the stuffings beat out of him."

"Hey!  That's ,like, an awful choice man," Tatewaki's actor complained.

Ignoring the comment, the young lawyer droned on, "The actor we have
retained to play Kodachi Kuno will be the same actor that currently is
seen playing Jinnai from 'The Wanderers'.  Yes, we know he is male, but
that's not really much of a problem in this show is it?  And, he already
has your laugh down pat."

With a very light giggle, Kodachi's current actress asked, "Is he aware
that the character is female?"

"It's in his contract," the DCH lawyer answered her.

She rolled her eyes and moved to sit next to the actress who played
Nodoka.  They began commiserating with each other.

"Sayuri, Yuka, Hiroshi, and Daisuke will be replaced by the crash
dummies from the American commercials.  Since all of their parts are
replaceable, we feel that they can more than handle the roles."

"We're being replaced by crash dummies?"  The four actors looked at each
other in shock.

"Let's see, we have Ryouga, Ukyo, Shampoo, Mousse, and the Tendou
sisters left.  Is that correct?"  Not bothering to wait for
confirmation, he rolled onwards.  "Shampoo will be replaced by the
android girl Nuku-Nuku.  She has all the qualities that Shampoo is
required to have, but doesn't have the pretense to intelligence that
some might want.  The character Mousse will be replaced by a rejuvenated
Mr. Magoo.  We feel that he can adequately display all of Mousse's
characteristic mannerisms."

"Shampoo is not a bimbo!  Why can't anyone see that!"  lamented the
affected actress.

"Are you seriously trying to make into some sort of cartoon figure?"
his actor angrily demanded.

The senior partner of DCH simply stared at Mousse.  The junior waited
for a few monents and then continued.

"Ryouga will be played by a descendant of the pig that played Arnold
Ziffel on 'Green Acres.'  We feel that the human part of the role has
been completely explored.  Additionally, with the popularity of the
'Babe' films, with Ryouga stuck as a pig, a whole new demographic will
open to the series.  'Ryouga, Pig About Town' comes to mind.  His screen
test was, to be blunt, far better than most of you here had."

"You're turning my character into a pig full-time?"  The actor
spluttered.  "Ryouga would never consent to that!"

"Who said he consented?"

"Ukyou Kounji will be portrayed by St. Joan of Arc.  She has both the
fighting skills and the virginal innocence that Ukyou is normally
portrayed with."

"Kasumi Tendo's character will be filled with a marionnette from 'Saber
Marionette J.'  She will not have the femininity chip and has been
programmed to reply 'Oh my' to any query.  Additionally, she is trained
as a full domestic servant."

"I told you that she's become nothing more than a thing!"

"The role of Nabiki has been offered to the robot from 'Key, The Metal
Idol'.  The character's name has been changed to Nabi-Key and will
become a real person only after suckering ten thousand people in
business deals.  Her new signature line will be 'My name is Nabi-Key,
will you be my sucker?'"  the young barrister looked up at the woman who
played Nabiki and grinned.  She began crying.

"Last but not least, we get to the character Akane Tendo.  She will be
portrayed by," he paused taking the time to look at each actor in the
room.  They all looked at him with some degree of horror.  He smiled in
triumph.  "no less than a T-1000 from the 'Terminator 2' movie.  It will
be programmed to look exactly like the current actress and to beat up
the Ranma character whenever he speaks or looks at either her or any
female cast member.  Being a T-1000, our budget for mallets will drop
considerably."

"WHAT!  Akane is not like that!  She's a sweet girl.  She's a little
insecure about her place in Ranma's heart, unable to talk about her
feelings, and has a tendency towards violence, but she's a really sweet
girl underneath it all."  Akane's actor in defense of her character.

"Since you are all on strike, you have no say in their
characterizations.  However, if you agree to come back to work, we will
try to create a few roles that expand on your characters breadth."

The actors huddled together on the far side of the room.  After a few
minutes, they called their own lawyers over.  The IRS representatives
whispered with them, until each and every one shook their heads in
affirmation.

Coming back to the table, the lead IRS lawyer said, "My clients have
decided to work."

"great! I knew they would see reason.  You two are still coming over
tonight?" The elder from DCH asked his colleagues.

"Yes.  See you around sevenish!"