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Ranma 1/2: The Third Wish
By Jack Staik, Bookkeeper-At-Arms
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"Ranma?" Akane asked. "Is something the matter?"

"Um, no, Akane. Not really. Everything is perfect." He sighed.

<But it's not right.> he thought to himself.

The day was perfect for a picnic lunch and cherry-blossom viewing. Ranma
and his mother had gone out on a picnic,and had 'accidentally' run into
the Tendos (Akane and Ranma were good friends, but they - and everyone
else - knew it was just a matter of time).

As usual, Kasumi Tendo's fiance, Ono Tofu, was there. Nabiki Tendo had
even gotten leave from the police academy to go on holiday with her
family. 

"Hey! Ranchan!" 

Ranma looked up, and saw his oldest friend Ukyo with her fiance Tatewaki
Kuno coming toward them. Kuno's sister Kodachi and her boyfriend Royga
Hibiki were right behind them.

"Hey! Ucchan! What'cha doin' here?"

A slight look of puzzlement briefly crossed everyone's faces. Lately,
Ranma's speech had gotten a lot rougher.

"Cherry-blossom viewing, silly. Mind if we join you?"

Ranma looked at Akane, who said, "Sure! The more the merrier!"

Ranma winced, like he had been struck a mortal blow. Everyone noticed
it, but politely didn't mention it. (Besides, they weren't sure why he'd
been acting so ...odd lately.)

The picnic passed without incident, save for Ranma getting quieter and
quieter. Tatewaki cracked up the families with one of his classic funny
stories, Kodachi kept trying out new recipies on Ryoga (who didn't mind
in the least), and Nodoka and Soun kept exchanging whispers and knowing
glances.

Then Ranma stood up. "THAT'S IT! THIS IS TOO WEIRD!"

Everyone was amazed. "Ranma, is something wrong?" Akane asked, her voice
filled with concern.

"Everything is wrong." he stated flatly, and pulled out an ornate ring
of vaguely foreign design and a pendant. Placing both on himself,he held
up his hand. "By the Ring and the Amulet and the Words I call up the
Servant - Ulg Thulnkiss'kark-"

"OKAY!! OKAY!! Geez, my sinuses..." said the squeaky voice from the
potato salad.

Everyone watched in amazement as a ... creature of some sort crawled out
of the potato salad and hovered in mid-air. "What is thy wish, O
Accursed Master?" it said in a testy and sarcastic tone.

Ranma took a deep breath. "I wish ... for everything to be as it was."

"EEEEEEK!!!" the Servant said. "I - I mean ... er, uh ..."

"You heard me!!" Ranma yelled. "Undo my wish!! Make everything normal!"

"Well, y'see ..." the spirit evaded - then attempted to book.

Ranma barked out, "By the Amulet and the Ring, I order you to STOP!!"

The little creature froze in mid-air. "Oh kark." it said disgustedly.

"Um, Ranma?" Akane said diffidently. "What exactly is going on here?"

"Well ... " Ranma said nervously.

"Lemme handle this one, kid." the servant said.

"Y'see, doll, I am a Spirit, trapped by magic and condemned to fulfil
three requests whenever I'm invoked. Normally, there's a long and ornate
procedure for summoning me ... but a certain someone who shall remain
nameless - SAOTOME!! - managed to perform the complete invocation BY
ACCIDENT!!"

"Hey!" Ranma said defensively. "I said I was sorry!"

"And, of course, I'm constrained by the Invocation to perform three
tasks for this idiot." the Spirit continued. 

The Tendos and Kunos (and assorted others) stared to the bizarre
spectacle before them. *Ranma* getting involved with *magic*?? It seemed
unbelievable.

But there was the Spirit floating in the air, bits of potato salad
clinging to it.

"Okay," Nabiki said. "So what were these wishes?"

The Spirit smirked."Wish One was the typical 'Do the first thing the
sucker says' wish. He was being pursued, he wanted to be somewhere safe,
so I teleported him to a desert island."

"Pursued?" Akane said in alrm. "By who?"

"Um ... that's not important right now." Ranma said.

The Spirit continued, "Then this whiner starts unloading onto *me* about
all of his problems!'Oh boo-hoo, my life is shit' - that sort of thing."
The creature looked nauseated. "Such a bellyacher."

<POW!!> replied Ranma's fist.

"Urgle," said the Spirit from the hole in the ground.

"I told the little bastard all the stuff that had bothered me, then I
wished for it all to be gone!" Ranma explained. "The past week has been
everything I ever wanted."

Akane smiled.

"And it's all WRONG!!"

Akane stopped smiling.

Ranma picked up the Spirit. "Now give me my third wish!"

The Spirit started to cry. "WAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I CAN'T!!!"

"Nani? Ranma asked. "But - you changed everything else -"

Everyone wondered about that. They didn't *feel* changed.

"I didn't change beans, you moron!!" the Spirit protested.

"But - everything's different!"

Nabiki tapped Ranma's shoulder. "What exactly is different, Ranma-kun?"

"Um - um, lotsa things." Ranma said nervously.

The spirit floated up to Ranma and kicked him in the temple. "Look,
twit." it began. "I am a *MINOR* Spirit. I can't do major stuff -
illusion, suggestion, levitation, teleporting, a few tricks. I'm no
Djinn. What I do is not grant wishes, but do certain tasks to the best
of my *limited* powers. Got it?"

"But how did you change everything?" Ranma protested.

The Spirit sighed. "Y'see, kid, when you made that wish, I considered
driving you nuts so you'd *think* you lived in the world you described
... but then I felt a Contact.

"It was me - a Me from another Universe, who had been summoned by *his*
world's Ranma Saotome. That other Ranma made a Wish - to have a life of
Romance and Magic and Adventure. And a chance to meet his father, who
had died when he was a kid.

"It seemed perfect! You wanted a life free of romantic entanglements,
where you would have no enemies, a chance to have friends, and to get
away from your father. With both of us - and your wishes dovetailing so
perfectly - we just teleported you between universes."

The assorted witnesses let it sink in. It was a bit odd, but no odder
than the little spirit.

"WAIT A SECOND!!" Akane said. "You mean - this is *not* the Ranma I've
known most of my life??"

"Sorry about this." Ranma said.

Nodoka spoke up. "Then my son is -"

"In another world." The Spirit said. "A world where Genma Saotome did
*not* die sealing up Happosai in a cavern."

"Probably the only good that ever came out of the old panda," Ranma
grumbled.

"So that's why you've seemed odd lately." Tofu said. "You're a different
person."

"Yeah - and I want to go back!" Ranma turned on the spirit. "So send me
back!"

The Spirit bopped him. "Haven't you been listening, you dip?!? I CAN'T!!
It took two versions of me to transport the two of you in an even swap
with your consent! The two of you have to want to return to your
respective worlds at the same moment so the two of *me* can make the
swap! The other one - the one native to this world- hasn't wished
himself back! And until he does, I can't do bupkus!"

"But - that means I'll be - trapped here..." Ranma stammered.

"C'mon!" the Spirit said. "This world isn't so bad."

"But it's not HOME!!" he protested.

Akane looked diffident. "R-ranma ... are we so terrible? I mean - *our*
Ranma waned to get away from us -you want to get away -"

Ranma shook his head. "No! It's not that! You're a great person!
Everyone here is a lot nicer!" he slumped. "But it's not home."

"Then why did you - I mean, my son - want to change everything like you
wanted to?" Nodoka asked.

The Spirit floated before her."He wanted a life of Adventure! Romance!
Magic! EXCITEMENT!!"

"HA!!" Ranma said. "'Adventure happens to other people! When it happens
to you, it's bad luck. Magic is a pain in the ass - no offense."

"None taken." said the Spirit.

"And as for romance - don't get me started."

"See, Ranma?" said the Spirit eagerly. "You'd be *much* happier here. So
why don't you wish for extra lifespan or a no-fail aphrodisiac or
something simple so I can go -"

"NO!!" he said, his hand shooting out. "This place isn't home! I want my
own home!"

The Spirit felt a sinking snesation. By the terms of his Binding, if he
failed to fulfil a request within one hour of his Accursed Master (a
technical term) making it, he would be condemned to the Bad Place for a
thousand years. And since he had fulfilled almost this same request
before, his only out was to get his Accursed Master to revoke it.

"Urk!" gasped the Spirit. "But consider the benefits, Accursed Master."
It teleported out of Ranma's grip.

A second later, it reappeared and dumped a pitcher of water on his head.
The wet Ranma looked up at the Spirit. "What'ja do THAT for?!?"

"Whan was the last time you could get wet back home?" the Spirit said
snidely. "Always complaining 'oh woe the curse of Jusenkyo has ruined my
life'. Well, ain't no curse here, boy!"

"In this reality, boy, you don't even have *one* curse! Never mind the
assortment you normally lug around!" the Spirit said in an upbeat tone.

Akane wondered at this. This Ranma was *cursed*? With real magic?

"And what about everyone else? These folks are *much* nicer than the
Nerima Wrecking Crew!"

"Who?" someone asked.

Ranma waved a had dismissively. "That's just what the neighbors called
us."

"Just look!" it said, swooping down between Ryoga and Tatewaki. "You
guys are Ranma's friends?"

"Yeah."
"Of course."

"See? I don't think either one of these guys has tried to murder you all
week!"

Ryoga and Tatewaki looked at each other. Murder Ranma? What sort of
people were they in this other world?

"Nope." Ranma confirmed. "But I do kinda miss the cries of 'Die
Saotome'. Not to mention Kuno chasing the 'Pig-Tailed Girl'." Ranma
chuckled. "It's kinda funny now."

"Who's the 'Pig-Tailed Girl'?" Kuno asked.

"Loooong story," Ranma and the Spirit said together.

The Spirit swooped over to Kodachi. "Dearie, do you feel like putting on
a leotard and sneaking into people's bedrooms at night to bash them with
mallets? Or tying people up and feeding them to alligators?"

Kodachi looked primly shocked. "Of course not! I'd never act like that!"

The Spirit turned to Ranma. "Now isn't this Kodachi an improvement?"

"Yeah," Ranma admitted. "This one doesn't poison people."

"My counterpart is a bad cook?" Kodachi asked.

"No, she's a good cook," Ranma answered. "She just likes to poison
people. And for the record, she only had *one* alligtor."

Kodachi blushed. Her counterpart sounded like a very unpleasant person.

"And she's not the only one! Almost all of these people are an
improvement! Soun is emotionally stable! Ukyo isn't a crossdresser!
Nabiki is *not* a pornographer! Nodoka is unarmed and not trying to make
you commit seppuku!!"

"Mom isn't trying to make me commit seppuku!" Ranma insisted. "Not yet,
anyways."

Nodoka was horrified. What sort of person *was* this other Nodoka? 

The rest were reeling from the fistful of hints the little creature had
just hurled. This other universe sounded like a nightmare!

"And Ucchan didn't *want* to be a crossdresser! She didn't have a
choice! Not after that stunt Pop pulled."

The Spirit danced around. "The best part! No Genma here! He died years
ago!"

"That is a good point." Ranma agreed.

Nodoka spoke up. "I can't believe you would say that my Dearest being
dead is a good thing! Genma was an honorable man!"

"He was a liar, a cheat, a glutton, and he'd steal anything not nailed
down or on fire!" the Spirit argued.

"That's not true." Ranma protested.

"Thank you, Ranma." Nodoka said, relieved.

"I've seen him steal things that were on fire." Ranma clarified.

Nodoka just gaped.

"Don't'cha see, Accursed Master? Here you have no enemies, no fiancees,
no fiancees who *are* your enemies, just friends - none of whom are your
enemies. When was the last time you could say that?"

Ranma looked thoughtful.

"What sort of life were you leading?" Ukyo asked.

Ranma smiled sadly. "It was just how I lived. Never thought about it."

Akane looked sad, then started to sob. "I want *MY* Ranma back!" she
wailed.

"This one is just as nice!" the Spirit said. "A bit rough around the
edges, but servicable."

"HA!" Akane protested. "I haven't been serviced in a week!"

Everyone facefaulted. Ranma looked confused. "Huh?"

"Never mind." Akane said testily - which made Ranma smile.

The Spirit started to glow. "I'm getting a message!" he said. From the
other Ranma! He's wishing to return!"

"That's great!" Ranma crowed. "What changed his mind?"

"Probably the Chinese Amazons chasing him." the Spirit said with a
laugh.

"'Chinese Amazons'??" everyone asked.

"Nice folks - just don't beat one in a fight." Ranma explained.

"Hold on!!" the Spirit warned. "Here we go!!"

A patch of air around Ranma got hazy. Then, a figure popped out - Ranma,
looking normal. In the haze was a different Ranma, with a red Chinese
shirt and a pigtail. He smiled, then vanished, as did the haze.

Ranma looked up. "I'm back?!?" he said.

"Oh Ranma!!" Akane cried, embracing him.

"OW!! My ribs!!" Ranma protested.

Tofu looked him over. "Amazing! You've got enough bruises, contusions,
and abrasions for an entire bar fight!"

"Yeah." Ranma agreed. "They never tell you about all the pummelling you
get in a 'life of adventure'." He looked at Akane. "If I kissed you,
would you pull a mallet out and hit me?"

Akane looked surprised. "I don't think so."

"Good." he said, then kissed her.

"Well," Kasumi said. "This has been an unusual day."

"Not really," Ranma quipped.

Nabiki snorted, and playfully tossed a cup of water in his face.

Everyone jumped up, and several screamed.

The well-built redheaded girl jumped up. "WHERE ARE YOU, YOU DAMN
SPIRIT!!"

All that could be heard was a faint chuckling on the breeze.

-FIN-