An Untitled Evangelion Epic by David Uzumeri

A wassup to alla y'all. Please, please, PLEASE C&C my fic by emailing me at
uzumerid@mindspring.com - I really love the attention. ;)

And big thanks to Addison Godel. He's the man, and my proofreader.

Part Two

KEEL-BOY POWERHEAD / "The God of Smoke and Mirrors"

--

The virtual meeting room of SEELE was dark and foreboding, as usual. The
"old men" of the
shadowy organization were being represented by thirteen gigantic obelisks,
as usual. And
the chairman of the board, Keel Lorentz, was acting like a nine-year-old AOL
user on Jolt.

Not as usual.

'alright everybody' said Keel. 'its time that we began to rule the weak
populace i have decided
that what we need to do is to instrumentalize our world into one where there
is no ambiguity.
im tired of all this grey area crap i think everything should be RIGHT and
WRONG and that is
my plan.'

"But Mr. Lorentz," said SEELE-07, "We're supposed to cause
Instrumentality..."

'but thats no fun,' said Keel. 'we need to RULE THE EARTH POPULACE using our
POWERS OF TITANIC
MIGHT - we have the WILL and therefore we have the WAY!!!!'

"Yes, but this wasn't originally..." interjected SEELE-09.

'SILENCE THOU IMPUDENT FOOOOL!!!!!!!' said a rather pissed-off Keel. 'I and
only i
will give you PERMISSION TO SPEAK  !! until then... let me explain. we will
combine the SPEAR
OF LONGNESS with lilith to create the ULTIMATE WORLD!!'

"That wasn't the scenario, man," said SEELE-12.

'now listen. i know what the original scenario is because i am KEEEL
LORENTS! i will create a
world where EVERYTHING IS KNOWN! all wrongs are righted! EVERYTHING will
come to a HAPPY
ENDING! and everything shall get what they desire!!!!'

"But, um, what people desire can inflict on one another and create a mass
war that could
result in the destruction of the human race," said SEELE-02.

'SHUT UP u dont know what you are TALKING ABOUT!' Keel was quite angry now.
'everybody will
know everything and THAT IS FINAAAAAAAAL!'

SEELE-01's display blinked out.

--

Commander Gendou Ikari was sitting in his office. His cold, hard,
uncompassionate office - that
was pretty much a metaphor for Ikari himself. He sat at a large desk, hands
steepled out before
him, seemingly looking blankly into the distance. To an outsider, it would
look like he was
waiting intently for something to happen. Thinking. The true signs of a
great intellect, a
man of cold vision and relentless determination.

In reality, he was sleeping behind his red-tinted glasses. Sudddenly, the
phone rang, waking
him up with a fitful start.

"Wha... wha... hello? What the he... I mean... Commander Ikari speaking,"
said Ikari after
hitting the 'accept call' button out of reflex.

'listen you white boy!!!!' said the gruff yet somewhat different voice from
the other end of
the line. 'it's me KEEEL and you'd better realize that you been fucking
around way too damn
long!! i dont know why weve been waiting like this but i want you to go get
someone to take
the lance of longness right NOW and start instrumentality!!!!!! ill be there
shortly were
going to create the PERFECT EXISTENCE!!!!'

"Hey, are you all right? Your voice has changed..."

'i am FINE MAN now just get one of your little underbitches to pick me up
the fuckin' spear!
i'll be there shortly!!!'

--

Gendou was actually awake in his office when Keel arrived. "Hello, Mr.
Lorentz," he began.

'cut the crap gendoo its time for the PLAN TO BEGIN', claimed Keel.

"Well, um, understood, Mr. Lorentz. Would you like some coffee?" Gendou
grinned hopefully.

Gendou pulled a mug of black coffee out from under his desk and offered it
to Keel.

'BLACK COFFEE i dont drink no fuckin BLACK COFFEE bitch.' Keel stuck his
tongue out. 'you
uncultured beeeeyotches.'

"Um, okay, sir. Now. You wish for us to begin Instrumentality *right now*?"
Gendou continued
grinning like an idiot, in the hope that he might actually say something
right. He prayed
internally that maybe Keel would stop this, that maybe he would that maybe
he would decide to
abandon this sudden shift in the scenario. Maybe...

Keel stuck his face in Ikari's. 'YES U STUPID WH00R!!!! what the hell else
would i have
said???' he screamed, nearly breaking Ikari's eardrums with the power of his
voice and nearly
breaking Ikari's mind with the power of his stupidity.

Gendou leaned his head back out of reflex. "You are aware of the incredible
inherent risk in
breaking the scenario in this way, correct? Maybe you should reconsider, I
mean..."

'here we GO yo here we GO yo so whats the whats the SCENARIO? FUCK THE
SCENARIO IKARI... i
want RESULTS!!!!!!!' Suddenly, Keel's wheelchair began floating up off the
floor into the space
above Gendou's desk. It grabbed Ikari by the neck with two robotic arms, and
threw him across
the room. His back slammed against the obsidian wall and he cried out as
Keel taunted:
'U R BOUND 4 THE FLOOR!!!'

Gendou dragged himself off the floor and began dusting off his jacket. "Mr.
Lorentz... I'm...
sorry, but... I cannot abide by... this decision," Gendou huffed, out of
breath.

Keel pressed a button and a rather hentai photo of Yui showering appeared on
a flag behind
him. 'you might get to see yuuuuuiiiiii sooner....'

Gendou stiffly stood up and saluted. "It will commence at 0400 hours."

Keel laughed manically. 'MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!! now THATS what i like to
hear.'

--

Gendou summoned Rei Ayanami into his office. The blue-haired albino child
entered the room with
a fixed look of determined apathy on her face. She walked around Gendou's
desk until she stood
to his left, her hands clasped in front of her. "Yes, sir?"

Keel grinned lecherously. 'Look at the @$$ on that bitch!!!!!' He moved
behind her and began
pinching it.

Naturally, Rei was either oblivious or uncaring to this occurence, and she
stood patiently
until Gendou was finished giving Keel dirty looks.

Finally, he spoke up. "It's time. Now, it begins."

"Understood, sir," Rei replied mechanically.

The two walked out of Gendou's office, Keel following behind in his
mechanical wheelchair.

'so is this a father and daughter kind of thing going on or something far
more deeeper???' Keel
amusedly wondered aloud.

"It is none of your business," said Gendou behind gritted teeth.

'i cant help but notice that she looks somewhat like your regretted LATE
WIFE, ikari,' said
Keel as he alternated between teasingly poking Gendou and groping Rei.

"Listen, this is none of your concern," said Ikari, sighing. "She bears the
soul of Lilith, and
that is final... that is all that is required, Keel."

They continued walking along the path, with Rei being characteristically
silent.

'whatever man your just a sick bastard' said Keel. 'a lecherous old man who
can't get ANY no
more.......'

Gendou growled and kept walking for a few feet, then blinked as something
occurred to
him. He turned around and commented: "Keel, you're so old you need
cybernetic implants to live
and you were groping Rei about five minutes ago. You're being incredibly
hypocritical."

Keel laughed insanely. 'sooooo? the world will CHANGE SOON! hypocrisy will
become
IMPOSSIBLE!!!'

Gendou sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Well, I guess you *could* see it
like that, but...
whatever you say, old man. Let's just keep going."

Rei was silent throughout the entire affair.

--

Gendou and his companions stood in the shadow of the ominous metal doors
known 'round those
parts as the Gate of Heaven. Beyond those doors was humanity's origin, its
benefator, its
creator and protector, the being who was destined to bring her children to a
new level of
perfection. Ikari held the key to the Gates of Heaven, and swiped it through
the small slit in
the keypad. After inserting a series of alphanumeric characters, the Gates
of Heaven opened for
all to see, showing the terrible yet majestic creature beyond.

She was large, easily many times the size of a normal woman; each of her
hands were attached
to the ends of a large red cross, plainly giving her the figure of a
crucified Jesus; her
grotesque, newly-generated legs hung loose above the sea of her lifeblood -
the LCL.

And in the Speech of all Man, the speech spoken before the fall of Babel,
the idiom of the
Gods,
Lillith spoke:

<WUTZ UP MY KIDDIES? THINGS OKELEY DOKELEY? MY MAN KEEEEEL! LETS GOOOO!>

Keel gave a gang sign. 'my down homie LILIS! wutz UP??? you got hear from
the other world 2???'

Gendou blinked and looked at Rei, then at Keel, and then, finally at
Lillith. "This is not
happening," he murmured. "This is not happening, not happening, this is NOT
HAPPENING, I am
going to pinch myself and WAKE UP..."

Everybody got the mental impression that Lillith was grinning. <SHO NUFF
K33333L!!!! NOW STRIP
DA CHICK AND GET THE PLAN GOING!>

Ikari wiped his brow with the back of his hand, and fainted.

Keel grinned. 'sucka couldn't TAKE it!' He then looked lecherously at Rei
and laughed evilly.
'str1P woman!!!!'

"Hai," said Rei apathetically as she removed herself of all garments.

The room seemed to reverberate as Lillith's chuckle entered everybody's
mind. <HA HA HA! LETZ
G00000, KEEEEEEEL!>

Rei went on her tiptoes and flew off the ground. She moved towards
Lillith...

Towards Lillith...

Towards Lillith...

And into Lillith.

--

Tokyo-3 awoke to a bright new day.

One of its citizens, Shinji Ikari, awoke at roughly the same time. He
quickly got dressed and
left his room to sit down at breakfast with his guardian, Misato, his
armored physical
'guardian', Arsenal, and his frequent tormentor, Asuka.

Misato grinned cheerfully and put a plate on the surface of the breakfast
table. "Good morning,
Shinji! It's me, Misato, the only living survivor of Second Impact! I was
scarred for life,
mentally and physically, by that horrible event. I'm also currently eloping
with my
ex-boyfriend Kaji, and am attempting to track down the sad truth behind the
entirety of
Project EVA!"

Arsenal raised an eyebrow.

She flipped a pancake, and Shinji grinned. "Nice to see things are OK! How
about you, Asuka?"

"I'm quite fine, baka," snorted Asuka. "I only insult you because I'm a
tortured little
German girl still haunted by the sad suicide of my mother! I react
negatively to everybody and
everything but Kaji, whom I constantly fool myself into thinking I love!
However, I really have
an underdeveloped adoration for you, Shinji, although I'm forced to hide
that behind a mask of
mockery and hatred!"

Arsenal raised another eyebrow.

Shinji sighed. "Asuka, could you please stop adding to my tortured little
life which I create
for myself despite the fact that I could see things as being positive if I
only changed my
state of mind?"

Arsenal, with both eyebrows raised, wiped his forehead with the back of his
hand and
sweatdropped.

Misato grinned. "Well, after this breakfast that's probably utter shit since
I cooked it but I
never admit my horrible cooking due to my mask of optimism, let's all go off
to our absolutely
horrible jobs which all of us completely despise and feel have completely
ruined our entire
lives!"

"Works for me!" chimed in Asuka.

"Let's eat!" said Shinji.

Arsenal sighed. "Now, this is all fantastic and well, and I'm sure you're
all duly fascinated
by all this, but I'm really fucking hungry. Can we eat now?"

"Sure, Arsenal!" said Shinji. "Hey, so what's YOUR story?"

"There is no way in hell I'm about to pull that crap you people pulled. Take
your happy pills
this morning or something?"

"No! We're all just extremely happy with revealing those disgusting little
bits of our lives
which we probably can't even admit to ourselves! I mean, it would be
HORRIBLE if people were
confused about those completely pointless little events in our daily lives!"

"Um, whatever, guys," said Arsenal. "You're serously freaking me out. Now
where's my damn
pancakes? I don't get paid to starve."

"Here you all go!" said Misato with a cheery smile. "And remember: These
pancakes are 98% fat
free!"

"Um, why are you saying that?" asked Arsenal. "I never saw that as being
very important..."

"But what if we don't say? What if somebody, for the rest of their lives,
wonders how fat-free
the pancakes used today were? That would be an atrocity!"

Arsenal sighed. "This is pointless. Let's just eat."

--

The faces of the three Children appeared on the video screen before Ritsuko
and Misato,
showing the children with rare looks of peace and contentness on their
faces. The room
reverberated with a dull hum caused by the EVA test bays, all of which was
related to one
thing:

The day's bout of Evangelion synchronization tests had begun.

"Have fun attempting to control the souls of your dead mothers!" exclaimed
Ritsuko. "It's me,
Ritsuko, another eternally depressed 30-year-old woman and one of the very
few people truly
privy to the secrets of Project EVA! I was the child of a single mother, who
was also
depressed and possibly mildly insane! Following in her footsteps, I maintain
the MAGI and fuck
Gendou like a desperate rabbit! Good morning, everybody!"

"Good morning, Ritsuko!" said Shinji, Asuka, and Misato with smiles. Arsenal
had other
thoughts on his mind.

"What the fuck is going on here?" he asked nobody in particular. "Why is
everybody suddenly
explaining every detail of their lives?"

"Because..." began Ritsuko.

"One more god-damned explanation and I'll..." Arsenal began, stopped, and
then considered.
"But wait... that's an explanation about why you're explaining but..."
Arsenal wobbled a bit.
"Would it be a good explanation, a bad explanation or..." Arsenal shook his
head madly.
"Or... or a REAL TRUE explanation or just an explanation in your own mind
or..."

Arsenal passed out.

--

keel laughed 'bwahahah! i hope all of you bastards are liking my PERFECT
WORLD!'

In Keel's perfect world, SEELE had... changed a bit. While they were once a
shadowy
international organization that met only in a virtual-reality room as large
gray obelisks,
they now sat, in person, at a long mahogany table, with Keel at the head.

Behind Keel was a fantastic view of Tokyo-3 - as a matter of fact, the type
of view one
typically gets from the windows of a high-rise office building's meeting
room. Because that
was, as a matter of fact, exactly what they were in.

A high-rise office building with the words "SEELE HQ" printed on practically
every open space
on the exterior. A high-rise office building where a gigantic neon sign in
the shape of a mask
with seven eyes spun slowly at the top.

"Um, isn't this a tad bit too conspicuous for what we're doing?" asked
SEELE-04. "I mean, we
are a shadowy international organization and all."

'bahahahahah! NOT ANYMORE, PRETTY BOY!' screamed Keel with a deranged look
in his eyes.
'welcome to my new world where EVERYBODY IS INFORMED OF WHAT GOES ON? i'm
tired of not being
able to figure out what the fuck is going on with my OWN PLANS! imagine what
an outside
observer would think of our entire little operation? HUH? we're a bunch of
gigantic gray rocks
in a black room! THAT JUST WON'T DO!!!!'

Everybody in the room, excluding Keel, reeled in shock.

"But this defeats our entire nature," SEELE-06 said reproachfully. "We're
supposed to secretly
ascend man to a new state of being, like thieves in the night."

'WRONG AGAIN! no... no.... now i shall tell you all of my TRRUEEE plan!'

"True plan? What the hell are you talking about?" exclaimed SEELE-03
fervently. He slammed his
fist on the table. "You wanted evolution even more than the rest of us! You
worked the hardest
for it! Have you gone mad, man?"

'heeeheeeheeeeee. no... noo..... noooooO! no, i am absolutely FINE! my TRUE
PLANS shall now be
revealed to you AALLLL! i plan on doing something known quite simply
as......'

Keel pressed a button, and a humungous roll-down map flew down from a black
cylinder above the
window and slapped against the glass. It was a gigantic map of the planet
Earth, and on every
land mass was written, quite simply, "KEEL'S KOUNTREE."

'TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!'

"YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR DAMNED MIND!" screamed SEELE-03. He rose from the table
thrust a pointing
finger at the wheelchair-bound maniac. "TAKING OVER THE WORLD? I thought
people stopped that
pointless crap in GRADE SCHOOL! The world was supposed to be taken over by
my PLAYGROUND BULLY,
not some half-metal wheelchair-bound dipshit! I mean, for Christ's sake,
man, if you were
going to be an evil mastermind at least you could SPELL THE WORD COUNTRY
CORRECTLY!"

SEELE-07 also rose. "I agree with Number Three! What the hell is wrong with
you? We were
supposed to bring the Black Moon from the depths of the Earth and merge it
with the essence of
the White Moon in our final harbinger, Kaworu 'Tabris' Nagisa, and guide
humanity to a new
existence with Lillith, its eternal protector! Instead, you come up with
some inane half-assed
plan! And it didn't even take any skill! HOW are you going to take over the
world? THE ENTIRE
DAMN WORLD? Here, it looks like you wrote that crap by ripping it out of a
National Geographic
atlas and scrawling on it with CRAYON!"

'THAT'S IT don't make fun of my MASTER MIND!! I LIKE MY CRAYONS!!!!'
screamed Keel. 'PREPARE
FOR EJECTIONN!' He pressed a button, and SEELE-07's chair flew out of a
trapdoor in the roof.

SEELE-07 blinked. "You IDIOT! I wasn't even sitting in the chair!"

'i... um.... I knew THAT! take it as a warning for your INSOLENCE!' screamed
Keel. 'i haven't
even told you my MASTER PLAN yet!'

"Oh?" said SEELE-05 with a smirk. "And what would this master plan be?"

'i will FORGET your little lack of respect right now, Number Five. NOW! all
of you must
realize that at THE EARTH'S CORE lies a humungous amount of heat and
energy!'

"Well, yes," said SEELE-09. "I learned that in my fourth grade science
class." He gave a
mocking smile.

The othe members of SEELE began laughing nervously, until they were
interrupted by...

'SILENCE!' Keel exclaimed. 'DO NOT TAKE SUCH A TONE WITH ME! now, all of
you - you must
realize that if we could create a WEAPON that utilized that enormous amount
of power, we could
threaten ANY NATION ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH! THE WORLD IS OURS! Now, what
I shall do is
create a pipe with a ONE MILE DIAMETER and drill it from this building to
the very center of
the Earth! I shall then install a cannon on the top of this building that
will TAP THAT POWER,
and we will be able to attack ANY COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!'

There was silence for a few moments, when SEELE-11 spoke up.

"In all due respect, Keel," he began...

'yes, number eleven?'

SEELE-11 cleared his throat, stood up straight, gathered his resolve, and
spoke. "That is,
without a doubt, the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my entire life. The
Earth's core is
HUNDREDS OF MILES BELOW OUR FEET. There isn't enough MATERIAL TO MAKE THAT
PIPE. And besides,
how the hell will we be able to hit a country like America from the top of
our damn
skyscraper? It's not that bloody high! Any projectile fired with that amount
of power will
just go out of orbit and hit the moon or something! What's HAPPENED to you,
man? You used to
have a BRAIN in that cybernetic 'body' of yours!" By the time he was
finished, SEELE-11 was
standing on the seat of his chair and wagging both index fingers
reproachfully at Keel.

'WRONG ANSWER BUDDDY!' screamed Keel. He pressed another button, and the
very distinct scream
of a low-level secretary in a floor downstairs being thrown out the window
could be heard.

'errr well, okay, wrong buttton... but i did that on purpose!! take that as
a warning of the
POWER of my KILL BUTTONS!'

"Shouldn't that be 'Keel Buttons'?" asked SEELE-02. He began to giggle.

Keel gave him an icy-cold stare behind his metallic visor.

--

Arsenal awoke in a hospital bed. He'd been in this room before, but with
positions reversed -
he was waiting over the boy who was currently reading in the chair next to
him.

Shinji poked his head up from the book. "Um... hi. Are you feeling okay
now?" he asked.

"Er, well, I guess so..." said Arsenal. "Hey... where's my combat armor?"

Shinji stood up. "It's all waiting for you at the front desk, for obvious
reasons
it couldn't be left on during the repairing of your cranial nerves. You up
for leaving?"

"Aye." Arsenal sat up in his bed and started pulling away the sheets.

"Then let's go." Shinji walked to the door, opened, and left.

--

Arsenal put his hand over his eyes as he exited the room, adjusting to the
sunlight
coming through the gigantic windows to his right. It took him time to
adjust, but luckily,
he was at a nurse's desk by that point.

"Um... hello. I kind of fell unconscious, and they had to remove much of my
clothing and
armor to treat me... I was hoping I could pick it up here..."

The nurse looked rather annoyed. "Ahem... excuse me, sir. Are you cleared by
your doctor to
leave?"

Arsenal's eyebrows went up. "I have a doctor?"

"Well, yes, that's why you're not reeling with pain, Mr..." she grimaced,
obviously rather
exasperated. "What *is* your name, anyway?"

"Arsenal. Rex Arsenal." Arsenal sighed. Shinji was leaning against the wall,
obviously
rather bored.

"Rex... Arsenal. Yes. Well, Mr. Arsenal, it says that your brain wasn't
supposed to have
healed up for another two months."

"Two months? How long has it *been*?"

"Well... about two hours." The nurse was, by this point, regarding Arsenal
as some kind of
obnoxious pest. "Now, let me see if we can clear this with Dr. Howser."

Arsenal began looking rather angry. "Listen. I'm up. I'm awake. I'm standing
here in a
god-damned nightshirt. I'm in perfect condition. I'd like my armor and
ballistics, please."

The nurse stared at Arsenal with narrowed eyes. "Now, listen. I'm not
authorized to..."

"Fuck this. I'll give you authorization."

At that point, Arsenal walked into the nurse's office, grabbed a large
wooden crate labeled
"ARSENAL'S COOL SHIT," and attempted to pick it up.

"ARRGH!" He began breathing rapidly. "This is... heavier... than I
REMEMBER!"

Then he heard a sound inside of the box.

"What the hell? Are there rats in this thing?" Arsenal placed his hands on
the top of the box
and ripped the panel off with ease.

Arsenal looked into the box and narrowed his eyes. Shinji could faintly hear
a voice from
inside the box:

"I... I'm sorry, Mr. Arsenal! It was... an accident! Yeah! I was supposed to
be in another
crate, but they stuck me in this one! It's not my fault that I have
absolutely no inherent
masculinity and rely on a heavy military obsession to cover up my small
penis. Therefore, I am
completely infatuated with you, the absolute realization of..."

Arsenal grabbed Kensuke by the cuff of his shirt and lifted him out of the
box. "SHUT UP!!!
I'll tell you when I *care* about your penis envy! If I have to hear one
more stupid
explanation, I'm going to break your skull in! What the hell do you think I
am, a walking
action figure?"

Kensuke grinned. "Well, actually, that kinda is..."

Arsenal frowned. "That's it, I'm gonna do what I shoulda done a long time
ago."

The staff found Kensuke about twenty minutes later, looking extremely dazed,
in a dumpster
outside the building. When they offered him help, he only gave one reply:

"Well... at least I'm near a hospital."

--

Arsenal walked out of the building in full combat gear; Shinji walked out in
more or less a
daze. Misato and Asuka were waiting in front in a parked car. The four
entered the car, and
things were generally silent until the engine roared and Asuka squealed.

"Mein Gott!" snorted Asuka in a rather annoyed fashion. "What took you two
morons so long?"

"I..." began Arsenal.

"He had to get his things," said Shinji meekly.

"Oh, the big weapons he needs to make up for his..." Asuka began, grinning.

Arsenal's cheeks began to get red.

"That's enough, Asuka," said Misato, in a somewhat motherly tone. "Arsenal's
gone through lots
of combat training, and you shouldn't be making fun of him. It's not
healthy."

Arsenal's cheeks got even redder. Shinji tapped his shoulder in a reminder
to calm down, but
Arsenal didn't seem to be taking the hint.

"Oh, whatever," said Asuka. "All I'd need to do to knock him out is give him
a good kick in
the-- GAAACK!"

Arsenal's hands closed around her throat. Misato immediately stopped the car
to deal with the
quarrel. She decided this wasn't a smart move when she felt the car behind
her slam into the
back of the vehicle, sending it rather chaotically off the road and off a
ridge into the
woodlands surrounding Tokyo-3.

"SHIT!" screamed Misato. "NO! Dear God, no! We're going to DIE! We're going
to DIE! We're
going to DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"

Misato passed out from shock before the car finally came to a rest somewhere
next to a small
creek.

At that point, Arsenal, Asuka, and Shinji simply opened the doors and walked
out.

"Um, sorry," said Asuka rather sheepishly.

--

Shinji sighed. "Dammit! I can't get through to them!"

He was currently sitting on a rock a good few hours after his party met with
their unfortunate
accident. He deftly flipped the cellular phone down from his ear back to his
belt clip.

"We've been trying for hours and still no luck. It seems like we're too far
out of range."

Arsenal sighed. "Damn it. I guess we'll just have to rest here for the night
and wait for her
to wake up. We'll try to hike back in the morning."

The group had ended up apparently in the middle of nowhere after being 'led
back to NERV'
by a young surveyor who 'swore he knew the way there!'. A few hours and
near-beatings of
their now-fled guide later, they had ended up here. What was his name again?
Something like
Ryoga...

Shinji looked at Arsenal. "I'll go gather some firewood... that okay with
all of you?"

Arsenal stared at Shinji with raised eyebrows. "I didn't expect you to
volunteer straight
out, but hey, if you want to, go ahead."

Shinji smiled. "Thanks." He quickly ran off into the woods.

<Looks like he didn't want to hang around us much longer,> Arsenal thought
to himself. <Ah
well, he always was like that...>

He walked over to Asuka, who was crouched down next to the still-unconscious
Misato. He
crouched down next to her and attempted to see into her downcast eyes.

"Alright... look, I'm sorry for strangling you. This is all my fault. Cheer
up - it's not that
bad..."

Asuka glared at him. "Not that bad, dummkopf? Consider this situation! What
would happen if an
Angel decided to attack *right now*? What would you say then?"

Arsenal pondered. "Well, that would be a problem, wouldn't it?" He glanced
down at her again.
"Don't worry yourself to death. Things will be fine, I think. I can go hunt
for food or
something like that - just don't worry about things. Misato will wake up
eventually, and then
we'll be able to leave - I've checked her pulse, she's fine. She just had a
severe panic
attack. I've laid her down so that she's comfortable."

A twinge of a smile appeared at Asuka's lips. "...okay."

--

Shinji, meanwhile, was walking through the forest attempting to get
firewood. He'd picked up a
sizeable amount, so he sat down to rest, think, and reflect.

<Arsenal,> he thought. <I guess he's not so bad... he was very cold when I
first met him, but
he seems to have lightened up a bit. He seems... familiar somehow, though.
Like I've known him
before.>

He got and leaned over, placing his arms around the bundle, and began to
walk back.

<Misato... Arsenal seems to know what he's talking about, and he was rather
knowledgeable
about first-aid, although he seemed to be a bit too vigorous with the CPR.>
He grinned. <Well,
who wouldn't be? He has warmed up to us all quite a bit, though...>

--

A few hours later, everybody (including a newly revived Misato) was sitting
around a rather
lively campfire eating rabbit meat.

"We'll begin hiking tomorrow, I think," said Arsenal. "It shouldn't be too
long of a walk, and
we'll be able to hitchhike the way back."

"My car..." Misato cried into her lap. "My brand-new, beautiful car..."

Shinji looked at Misato. "It's not in that bad shape. We can get it towed
away and fixed or
something..."

Misato didn't look very consoled.

Asuka sighed. "Although dragging her along won't be too easy. She doesn't
seem to be in much
of a walking mood. At least things can't get any worse."

At that point, everybody temporary lost their vision due to the rather
bright stop light
that was shining down on them from the sky.

--

'HA HAHA YOU NERRDY NERV FOOLZ NOW I WILL EXACT MY PLAAAAAAN!' Keel screamed
with a bullhorn
from the helicopter.

Arsenal looked up. "What the hell is this?" he screamed.

'I AM KEEEL LORENTS! and soon I will be KEEEELING YOU!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!'

Misato began crying again. "We're doomed, we're doomed..."

'now i shall take you all RANSOM! before i can deploy my TRUE INTENTIONS of
TAKING OVER THE
ENTIRE WORLD, i must conquer you NERVs! therefore i shall CAPTURE YOU AND
TAKE YOU HOSTAGE!!'

Shinji looked up into the light and shielded his eyes. "Um, could you
explain what you just
said?"

Keel frowned. 'SHUT UP BITCH BOY!!' he screamed. 'This is it! CAPTURE
THEM!!'

The helicopter pilot pressed a large red button on his control panel.

At that moment, the entire party was captured in a rather large net. The
helicopter touched
down, and Keel began riding out.

'hahahahahHAA you fools! Soon you will face the WRATH OF KEEEEEL! You will
never escape from
my MASSIVE NET OF ROPE!'

"You idiot," said Arsenal. He quickly produced a pocketknife from a belt
compartment and cut a
hole in the side of the net that he was able to crawl through.

'heheheEHEHEHHEHE!!!' screamed Keel derangedly. 'you have NO CHANCE against
me! looks like
i'll just have to KILL YOU MYSELF with my WHEELCHAIR OF DOOOOOOM!'

Arsenal glared at him. "Wheelchair of... okay, fuck this." He quickly drew
two heavy-looking
laser pistols from his sides, used his pinkies to load in energy cartridges,
and was shooting
in approximately .5 seconds.

Unfortunately, this had no effect to the blue glow-shield surrounding Keel.

'ha ha HA, hee hee HEE, time to die for you not me!!!' Keel rhymed into the
air. He pressed a
button, and two large bazookas came out from the left and right sides of his
chair. 'GO GO
KEEL BAZOOOOOOOOKAS!'

Arsenal spread his arms wide as Keel pressed another button. Two extremely
large and
menacing-looking heat-seeking missiles with grinning Gaghiels drawn on the
end moved in
Arsenal's general direction... and dropped to the ground, spent, about a
meter away
from his feet.

Arsenal laughed. "GO GO KEEL STUPIDITY! Time to die, you senile old
bastard."

'NOOOO!' screamed Keel. 'U will never GET AWAY WITH THIS! GO GO KEEEEL
COPTER!!' He pressed
another button, and a small propeller came out of the back of his
wheelchair.

At that, Arsenal began running to the modified Comanche helicopter that Keel
had arrived on.
It had begun to take off, but Arsenal shot a grappling hook around one of
the landing bars.

Thusly, he flew.

--

"Well, that was certainly... interesting," said Shinji. He crawled out of
the hole in the
net. "Who was that guy in the wheelchair, though? He was completely insane."

"I have no clue," Misato whimpered sickly. She crawled out herself.
"Although this has
been a very... eventful... day."

Shinji turned around. "Hey, what's with Asuka? She looks kinda out of it."
He walked up to her
and waved his hand in front of her daydreaming eyes.

"That was so cooool!" she said. Then, she turned to Shinji. "Why can't YOU
be more like that?"

Shinji promptly slammed his head against his hand.

--

Keel was flying. The helicopter followed. Arsenal was hanging by the landing
bar, shotgun in
one hand, using the tracking sensor in his visor to take numerous potshots
at the elusive
maniac.

He was missing every time.

"Damn it!" he yelled to himself. "I'm out of shells!" He dropped the weapon
<I sure hope that
doesn't hit anybody or anything>, popped open the cockpit, moved into the
copilot seat,
took out a dagger, and held it to the pilot's throat.

"You're going to take me to wherever he's headed safely, or you're going to
die. Is that
clear?"

"Y... yes, sir!"

--

Shinji sighed. "I can't believe he just up and left us! I think we're going
in the right
direction, but..."

Shinji and his companions were hiking through thick forest, as theyhad been
for the past
fifteen minutes. They weren't exactly one hundred percent sure as to where
they were going,
but both Shinji and Misato thought they were headed somewhat in the right
direction, judging
from the time and the point of the sun's arc.

Asuka snorted. "At least he did SOMETHING useful! I just hope he's okay..."

Misato turned to Asuka. "How'd you get so softened up to him all of a
sudden? He was
strangling you just a while earlier..."

Asuka pondered. "Yeah, well..."

"Hey, look at this!" Shinji called. "I found something!"

The other two rushed to where he pointed.

"What the hell is it?" Asuka remarked. "Hey, wait, that looks kinda like..."

Sitting on the grass, its fall broken by the trees, was Arsenal's shotgun.

--

"Well, this is certainly different," said Arsenal as he flew towards NERV
headquarters.

Keel's copter-chair had already touched down near the base of the gigantic
pyramid. It was a
large white structure, with the NERV logo cheerfully emblazened on all three
sides of the
building. On the top was a gigantic crucified monster impaled on a
two-pronged spear.

Arsenal jumped off the helicopter to the top of the pyramid and slid down
the side to Keel.

'hello you STUPID BITCH it is time for FUUUUUUUUUUN!' said Keel. 'NOW MY
MASTER PLAN WILL
CONTNUE!!!!'

"But I just foiled your plan," said Arsenal. "What the hell are you talking
about?"

'YOU DO NOT SEEEE IT IS AN IMPROVISATIONAL PLAAAN!' said Keel. 'I have
planned for all
possible plans to be planned!'

Arsenal blinked. "I repeat: What the hell are you talking about? You have...
my brain is
turning backflips."

Keel grinned. 'NOW i shall kidnap GENDOOO! you will have to pay ten thousand
dollars in
ransom!!!'

Arsenal took out a rifle. "Not if I have anything to say about it."

Keel grinned evilly. 'your puny ballistics have NO EFFECT ON ME!!!!! I have
the POWER OF THE
AT FIELD!!!'

Arsenal laughed. "Bullshit." He flipped the gun in his hand and shot Keel
with it.

The bullet bounced off of a shimmering blue field. "What the fuck? That
isn't an AT Field!"

'ah but you are WRONG!  it is an ABSOLUTELY TERIFIC FIELD!!!! my own
INVENSION!!!!'
Keel laughed maniacally. 'and now I shall TAKE GENDOU FOR MYSELF!!!!'

Keel turned on the afterburners on his chair and zoomed backwards into NERV
headquarters.
Arsenal followed the smoke trail, shooting all the while.

"Maybe... he'll run out of energy!" Arsenal puffed. "Maybe... maybe... maybe
I can just
exhaust him!"

--

Keel entered Gendou's office.

'hello GENDY!' said Keel.

"I see. It is you, Keel, the evil manipulator of the entire Earth. I hope
you're happy
tormenting my poor soul, as I am a sinner in the eyes of God who has
forsaken his only son for
his own cruel ambitions and his own sad sex drive. How are you today?" he
said ominously.

'heeHeHEEEEE!' screamed Keel. 'I will now KIDNAP YOU!!!!!'

Gendou picked up a semi-automatic. "Never." He emptied three clips into Keel
before realizing
they were all on the floor, blocked by the Absolutely Terrific Field.

'Ain't it absolutely TERRIFFIC???' asked Keel. 'Let's GO! Go Go KEEL
CAPTURE!'

A large net shot out of Keel's chair and wrapped around Gendou. "Damn it,
Keel, let me out of
this monstrosity!"

Keel laughed. 'no i WONT! you will be coming with ME--'

He was distracted by a rifle shot in the back. "I really hope you weren't
thinking you'd lose
me, you moron," said Arsenal. "Your stupid wheelchair left an exhaust
trail."

Keel slammed his hand on the arm of his wheelchair. 'DAMN! not you again! i
shall have to
RETURN TO MY SECRET BASE OF OPERATIONS AT SEELE HEADQUARTERS BECAUSE WE ARE
IN THIS WORLD OF
EXPLANATION! goodbye, g00nz!!!!!'

Arsenal twirled his gun and put it behind his back. "Well, that's taken care
of. Now I just
need to get to SEELE headquarters. Ikari, where is it?"

"It's the big building downtown!" Ikari screamed desperately. "Now..."

"Thanks! Ciao!" Arsenal ran out of the room.

Gendou began attempting to get out of the net. "God damn it..."

--

The wind blew against Keel's hair as he streaked through the sky between
NERV and
SEELE. 'that stupid FOOOL!' he screamed. 'he could Never catch up with MOI!'
he began
laughing maniacally at the concept. 'soon he shall see the Power of my
PSYCHO DRIVE! now I
shall look behind me! i am SHURE that he will be far, FAR away!'

Keel looked behind him. 'hahaHA! I cannot even SEE HIM! he will NEVER catch
up with meee!'

He turned around just in time to crash, head-on, into the engine of a
Learjet.

--

Arsenal, meanwhile, was reading the newspaper in the back of a rather comfy
limousine,
slowly being driven towards his ultimate destination - the rather
conspicuous 'secret
headquarters' of SEELE in the middle of downtown Tokyo-3.

A very loud banging noise could be heard above him. "Hey, Jeeves, could you
turn on the
sunroof? I'd like to see what's going on."

Jeeves, the official NERV chauffeur, pressed a small gold-plated lever on
the limo's control
panel. Arsenal looked up as the roof of the car slowly contracted into
folded material at the
car's rear.

"Oh, my dear lord. It looks like a plane just had a crash!" He got out of
the car and ran up
to a tall, middle-aged man with long red hair, who was looking at the skies
above with a
curious pair of antiquated opera glasses.

Arsenal gave Touga his hand. "Sir?"

The man looked at Arsenal with a confident grin and shook his hand. "Hello,
I'm Touga Kiryuu!
I used to be the President of the Ohtori Student Council, but I was also a
Duelist and
emissary from the End..."

Arsenal blinked. "What the hell are you TALKING ABOUT? I don't CARE! What
just HAPPENED?"

"Oh, a curious little man who was in some kind of bizarre flying
wheelchair just smashed into a Learjet. The man seemed to escape unha..."

Arsenal grabbed Touga's hand harder. "Did you say FLYING WHEELCHAIR?"

Touga's brow furrowed. "Oh, yes, why?"

Arsenal let go and ran towards the car. "Top speed, Jeeves!"

Jeeves turned around and looked at Arsenal. "Right away, sir." He grinned as
he pressed a
large red button on the control panel.

Arsenal jumped into the car as it turned off the road, to the right, into a
large green
expanse of field. A large black tube shot out from the back, from which a
fiery orange
glow began to emanate. Two gigantic black forms moved out of the sides -
generally recognizable
as wings - and the car began moving along at top speed.

"Let us go," announced Jeeves as he pulled up on the throttle which had just
popped out next
to the gearshift.

--

The limousine/convertible plane touched down near SEELE's gigantic monolith
of a headquarters.
Arsenal walked out of the car and began purposefully striding towards the
skyscraper, pondering
the smack he was about to put down. Raiding the building wasn't going to be
easy, that's for
sure, and he wasn't sure as to what the best modus oper...

<Oh, fuck it,> he told himself. <This should be fun.>

He readied a rocket launcher in each hand and walked towards the
surprisingly unguarded front
doors.

<Here we are, the headquarters of the most secret organization on the
planet,> he thought.
<I'll probably have to use brute force, considering how there must be tons
of security
guards. Or maybe they have robotic security, and that's why the front doors
are unguarded.
I'll probably have to blast my way in... it'll be bloody, but worth it for
the future of the
planet.>

He held his breath and walked through.

--

Shinji sat down. "God damn, I'm exhausted."

Misato nodded and grinned. "It's alright, Shinji-kun. We're almost there,
though - I'm
starting to hear traffic."

Asuka gave Shinji a rather violent 'pat' on the back. "Come on, it's not too
much longer..."

Shinji looked up at his two companions. "Yeah, but can we just rest for
fifteen minutes or so?
I'm dead tired."

Misato lay down on the grass. "Sure, why not?"

Asuka sat on the grass. "Oh well, I guess I could catch some R&R myself..."

After about two minutes, Shinji spoke up. "You know, I've been thinking..."

"What is it?" inquired Misato.

"...oh, it's nothing. Forget about it." Shinji began picking blades of grass
and chewing on
them.

"No, really, what? I'm interested."

Shinji pulled the grass out of his mouth, thereby cutting it in half. "No,
really,
it's..."

"Look, just tell us," said Asuka. "You've built it up now, now we're
curious."

"Well, you know, it's been a long walk, and I was thinking about the
possibility of an Angel
attack right now, and then I began thinking, what *are* the Angels, really?
I mean, yeah,
they're big and ugly and weird, but I'm starting to think that maybe they
really are God's
messengers, you know? To give us a challenge to better ourselves..."

Asuka snorted. "That's impossible. They're just aliens from the moon bent on
attacking us or
something - all this Angel crap is just that. Crap."

"Well," began Misato, "I have reason to think that the Angels are really
just the ultimate
stages of evolution for the other intelligent races that have lived on our
planet."

Shinji blinked. "Where the hell did that come from? I mean, I'm not exactly
sure I agree...
that could be true, but then why are they called Angels? It makes no sense."

"You're both thinking in the clouds," said Asuka. "Please, be realistic.
They're just some
really ugly aliens."

"Then why are they so different?" asked Misato.

"Look, we'll never know the answer to this. Let's just give up," said
Shinji. "Besides, we have
somewhere to go."

Misato nodded. "Yeah, just forget about it... we'd better get going again."

Asuka blinked. "Hey! Wait! Don't just change the sub..." she sighed. "Ah
well."

--

Arsenal opened the front door of SEELE headquarters, and walked through an
artsy-looking white
marble room to an obsidian reception desk. It had the SEELE logo carved into
it and then
painted on in varying colors. Behind the desk, predictably enough, was a
receptionist.

"Sir, do you have an appointment?" she said, smiling cheerfully.

Arsenal blinked. "Ummm... no, I don't think so..."

"Well, then, are you here for a tour? 20,000 yen and we provide an
audiocassette." She
produced a small SDAT player from under the desk.

Arsenal's eyebrows raised. "Um... sure, that sounds like a good idea." He
handed over the
money and received the SDAT player.

The receptionist pointed at the play button. "Now, this button... oh, you
know how to use
one of these, don't you? Enjoy yourself!" She smiled and waved goodbye.

"Um, sure! Goodbye," said Arsenal, as he began hurriedly shuffling around
the desk towards the
elevator.

<Well, that was sure a hell of a lot easier than I expected,> he thought.

--

Gendou and Ritsuko were watching the footage of previous EVA battles,
eventually reaching the
one featuring the destruction of EVA-00.

"EVA-00. A mysterious being," said Ritsuko. "Also very finicky, possibly due
to the fact that
my mother's soul is trapped inside."

"Yes, it is very mysterious - the EVA with no soul," said Gendou, who then
blinked.. "Hey,
wait a second, it doesn't have the soul of--"

Maya walked into the viewing room from the door in the rear. "Ahh, EVA-00.
The mysterious
EVA with the soul of an Angel that only Rei can synchronize with."

Gendou sighed. "Look, I oversaw the project, it has no bloody soul!"

"But it has a CORE!" Ritsuko cried. "My mother went into it when she died!
It's blatant!"

"Now, I don't mean to interrupt, but its berserker attacks must be due to
the fact that it's
just a pure Angel!"

"Why the hell are you thinking these things?" asked Gendou. "Look, I've been
here since the
beginning, and it's just an Adam clone without his soul! Adam's stuck in
that gay kid SEELE
had!"

"That gay kid? What are you talking about?" asked Maya. "He wasn't gay, he
loved Shinji as a
friend!"

--

"Welcome to SEELE," droned the audiocassette. "This is the secret
underground organization
overseeing the evolution of humanity to a new level. Recently, it has
changed its focus
to simply conquering the world under the tyrannical fist of Keel Lorentz,
its longtime
director. He had the time to share his ambitious and intelligently planned
vision with us:

'HIDEY HO, PARDNERS! I'M GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD!'

Thank you, Mr. Lorentz!"

Arsenal sighed as he went up in the clear plexiglass elevator. <What a
moron,> he thought.
<I can't believe that this idiot has *any* power. I'm not going to kill him
to save the world,
I'm going to kill him because I want to cleanse the genepool of his
incredible stupidity.>

At about that point, everything began flashing red. Arsenal unhooked his
rocket launchers.

<SHIT! I've been found!> He hid behind the wall of the elevator next to the
door and listened
silently when it stopped and the door opened.

After about two minutes, he heard a voice. "Dammit! Another tourist alert! I
need to let those
bastards through, why are they hiding in the elevator? HEY! Get over here!"

Arsenal blinked and walked out. "Uh, sorry, I was kinda worried about the
red alarm and all."

The guard grinned. "Don't worry about that. Lemme let you through to the
secret area for the
tours."

The guard walked over to a large titanium door as the tape began again in
Arsenal's ear:

"You should have reached the fiftieth floor by now. The helpful security
guard will let you
into wherever you need to go on this tour. To the left and right are simply
office halls,
ahead you will find the SECRET SEELE LABORATORIES and the limited-access
elevator to SEELE's
meeting room."

The security guard placed the keycard in a slot near the door. A light
flashed green, and the
door opened automatically.

"Uh, thanks," said Arsenal.

"No problem," said the guard. "Come back soon!"

--

The door slammed shut behind Arsenal, who was looking ahead into a long,
dimly lit corridor
filled with rather freakish and evil-looking devices on both sides.

<Well, let's blow up some evil machines - may as well get some damage done
while I'm here,>
thought Arsenal, before...

"And to the right, we have our genetic engineering machines where we
created-"

<Starting with THIS god damned thing,> he thought, as he took off the SDAT
player, threw it
in the air, drew out a small and futuristic-looking pistol, waited until the
SDAT player
was at barrel level, shot the trigger, and proceeded to blow it to
smithereens.

<OK, I can't use my rocket launcher in these close quarters. I'll settle for
the energy
pistols.> He took the rocket launchers and once again tied them in a
cross-pattern on his
back. <Let's blow some shit up.>

--

"I never thought I'd be so happy to see..." Misato began, before she started
coughing rabidly
due to the large cloud of diesel exhaust that had just been thrust into her
face.

"A big, ugly, smelly highway," she finished.

"So, what now?" asked Asuka. "Are we gonna hitchhike?"

"Actually, we should be back in range now," said Shinji. He produced his
cellular phone. "I can
just call HQ and see if we can get a car down here to pick us up or
something."

Misato grinned. "Good plan, Shinji-kun! Let's do it!"

"Okay..." he dialed a number on the phone.

--

Arsenal readied a pistol in each hand and began running down the hall,
destroying things on
both sides. He went through relatively unharmed, except for one rather
annoying piece of
shrapnel that stuck itself in his back as he shot the door open on what
seemed to be some
kind of cryogenic sleeping machine.

This cavalcade of destruction continued until he reached the end of the
corridor, where he
found a rather ordinary-looking elevator with the seven-eyed face of God
etched into the
doors.

<Here goes nothing,> he thought, as he pressed the button with the up arrow
on it.

Two seconds later, the doors opened. He went up.

--

"When's the moron going to get back?" asked SEELE-04. He stood up from his
chair and yawned,
stretching his arms out towards the sky. "How long could it take to kidnap a
bunch of kids in
a forest? This is ridiculous."

"Agreed," said SEELE-07. "This is incredibly annoying. Let's just leave..."

"Um, guys?" asked SEELE-12. "I'm not sure that would be such a good idea
right now."

"Why?" asked SEELE-04.

"Well, check the security cameras..." the members of SEELE walked over to a
wall filled with
monitors, one of which was containing a grainy black & white video of
Arsenal
whistling and leaning in the corner of the elevator to the meeting room.

Five seconds later, they heard a groaning sound as the elevator doors opened
and the soldier
stepped through.

"Okay, now where the hell is the old man?" Arsenal asked. He was standing in
a rather
intimidating fashion with his legs spread apart and his hands crossed below
his chest.

"Well, he should be returning soon," said SEELE-08. "Could you please kill
him or something?
I don't know what happened, but these days he's a total..."

Their conversation was interrupted with the sound of breaking glass as Keel
smashed through
the large glass window in his wheelchair-helicopter. He pressed a button and
gently landed
at his usual seat at the head of the table.

'hidey HO! hey it's ARSENAL my favorite MAN OF ACTION! BUDDY LEE TOUGH,
bitch! so r u
enjoying my little world? no more secrets!!! all this crap about hiding the
truth is going to
END!!!! don't you find that secrets just make the world too damn vague????
well FUUCCKK THAT!!'

Arsenal blinked. "Keel, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. There
can't be one truth."

SEELE-07 apparently agreed. "That's a proven fact of philosophy. Think about
it. Here, call up
Gendou Ikari on your camera right now."

Keel grinned demonically. 'you FOOOOOEWL! you are RONG! i shall show you
that my WORLD IS
PERFECT!!!!' He pressed a button on the table, showing a conversation
currently occurring:

--

"You IDIOT!" screamed Maya. "Don't you realize our entire lives and all
these incidents are
just what's been predicted in the Book of Revelations? Think about it! The
Angels come down
and..."

Gendou sighed. "No, you're both wrong. The Angels are just a code name given
to
the other species that evolved into one life form, like we will do soon."

"Well, then why is all this predicted in the Dead Sea Scrolls?" asked
Ritsuko. "I mean, those
are really just the documents that became..."

"DAMMIT! It's all just cool codenames!" screamed Gendou.

"Which reminds me," asked Maya, "Who is the Second Angel, Gendou? There
isn't one, is there?"

Gendou sighed. "Look, the Second Angel was Lillith."

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "Gendou, you know full well that the Second Angel
was the thing
with the gigantic tentacles during Second Impact."

"Those were WINGS!" screamed Maya. She pouted and slammed her foot on the
ground.

"Listen, will you two lesbian lovers SHUT UP?" asked Gendou.

Ritsuko grabbed Gendou by the cuff of his shirt. "WE'RE NOT LESBIAN LOVERS!"

Maya looked downcast. "Actually..."

Ritsuko turned around. "No, Maya! You only love me as a tutor and
programmer!"

"But--"

--

Keel sighed. 'OK so that's WRONG! now let's look at SHINJI AND MISATO!!!!
they must agree!!!'

--

"I tell you, Shinji, Kaworu wanted to die," said Misato.

"But Misato, that's impossible. I should have died... he loved me," sighed
Shinji.

"Shinji, shut up about that gay idiot! He gave me the creeps, anyway..."
snorted Asuka.

"Kaworu was my friend, and he wasn't gay! He just cared about me!"

Misato sighed. "Shinji-kun... he was the soul of Adam."

Shinji blinked. "Um, Misato, you yourself said he was the Seventeenth
Angel..."

--

Keel blinked and screamed. 'NOOOOO It's gone all WRONGNNNG! ABORT ABORT
ABORT!!!!!!' He
pressed a large red button, and suddenly the glass window behind him rebuilt
itself. The
people of Tokyo-3 also noticed that the SEELE building began smoking a bit
at its base, and
then giving off a small bit of fire, and then it suddenly took off in the
general direction
of the moon.

In short, the SEELE headquarters shot off of the face of the Earth.

Keel grinned and cackled insanely. 'i have a FOOLPROOF PLAN! i shall CHANGE
BACK THE EARTH
while SAVING MY HQ!!!! now, NUMBER SIXX! put SENOR ARSE-NULL in the DEATH
TRAP ROOOM!' He
laughed maniacally as the building visibly exited the Earth's atmosphere
behind him.

"Of course, of course!" said SEELE-06 enthusiastically. "Just this way,
Mr.... Mr...."

"Arsenal."

"Um... yeah. Mr. Arsenal. Please, come with me!" He patted Arsenal on the
back and brought him
to a circular door in the wall.

"Mr. Arsenal, please, for the sake of God, come back alive," he whispered
into Arsenal's ear.
"Keel's gone... he's gone a tad bit out of his mind lately, and we can't
kill him, and he
somewhat holds us hostage. All I can say is that you have our utmost support
in your attempts
to stop this incredible stupidity."

Arsenal grinned. "Nice to see that I've got some friends on your side..." he
whispered.

"Okay, I'm off," he said in a louder voice. "Have fun, you crazy kids!" He
walked into the
escape pod, leaned back, and began whistling as the escape pod flew off the
side of the
building towards the Earth.

<Maybe this bodyguarding job isn't as boring as I expected,> he thought.

--

'so WHERE IS HE???' screamed Keel has he slammed his fist on the table. 'did
you KEEEEL HIM???'

"Yes, I've placed him in the alligator death-trap," said SEELE-06. "He'll
never get out alive!"

Keel grined. 'eeexxxcelllllent.' He steepled his fingers in a triangle, and
grinned ominously.
'how looong until the WORLD REVERTS?????'

"Approximately fifteen seconds," said SEELE-05. "The world will continue as
it is now, but
people will forget any possible revelations that they may have learned as a
result of your...
experiment."

Keel grinned even wider. 'very very very very very very GOOD!!!!!'

--

Arsenal hobbled out of the crashed spacecraft.

"God *damn*. God DAMN! I feel like SHIT!" he screamed. He walked forward two
steps, barely able
to make out the shape of a large white building ahead of him. "Where the
hell AM I? I think I'm
gonna..."

He passed out.

--

"What kind of condition was he in?" asked Misato. "Where did you find him?"

The nurse sighed. "Well, he had passed out, luckily enough, right beside our
hospital. He was
pretty beat up, and not just from reentry... he also has a pretty bad cut on
his back. Look
here."

Misato looked into the pale blue light that illuminated the X-ray
transparencies being pinned
to the wall. "My God... that's a nasty shrapnel wound."

"Yes, it was. What was even more bizarre was the shrapnel itself. Do you
have any idea as to
what it could mean?"

Suddenly, an announcement came over the PA system. "Patient 4942 has
regained consciousness.
We repeat, patient 4942 has regained consciousness."

The nurse grinned. "That's us. Let me show it to you all together..." The
nurse and Misato
walked out the X-ray examination room and into the hallway.

--

Arsenal awoke to the hard, cold stare of a halogen light.

"What an unfamiliar ceiling," he said.

"At the rate you're going, it won't be for long, Mr. Arsenal," said the
nurse sitting in the
chair beside him. "Now, I have a question for you."

"Christ, and I just woke up... what?" Arsenal rubbed his hand across his
eyes and sat up.

"Well, do you know what this is? We found it embedded in your back."

Arsenal sighed. "That sounds good. Lemme look..." he took the metal shard
from her hand and
examined the writing on it. "Ryogenic Chambe 4C1... Cryogenic Chamber 401?
And, um, it has a
name... hey, who the hell is this guy?"

Misato took the plate from him and looked at it. "No... it can't be... no,
wait, I misread
it. Who the fuck is *Koji*?"

--

Mountains. Nice, rocky mountains.

A field. A large, green field. This is what Billy Bob saw every day in his
quaint cow pasture
in the American Midwest. This was, of course, until the big ball of metal
fell from the
sky and decided to make a big crater in it instead.

Billy Bob wasn't very happy about this, so he grabbed a shotgun and decided
to create his
unwelcome visitor's destiny.

<I'm gonna kill that sumbitch who gone and fuck up my pasture,> he told
himself. <I'm gonna...>

He readied his shotgun and slowly began walking into the crater. In the
middle of the crater
was a roundish and somewhat scorched metal pod, surrounded with the torched
bodies and
skeletons of bovines. <That bastard killed Bessie!> he thought. <That's it,
he's gonna DIE!>
He ran screaming towards the small circular port of a door on the pod, about
to blow
a hole in its window, when the door promptly began opening. Halfway through
its swing, Billy
Bob fired.

Unfortunately, the shell ricosheted at a 45-degree angle off the pod door
and promptly blew
Billy's foot up.

A man came out of the pod and smirked. "Looks like you sure shot yourself in
the foot with
that trick, didn't ya?" He produced a ten-inch cigar from his dusty black
blazer, took out
a Zippo, and lit it. "Ahh... tastes good."

Billy Bob was, naturally, screaming throughout this spectacle, possibly due
to the fact that
he was currently missing a foot. "Who.. who the... fuck... are YOU?" he
gasped.

The man grinned. "They call me Koji."

--

THE END

-David Uzumeri