"I have done as you asked."

The mercenary tapped her fingers next to her screen, as the message
played itself out spontaneously.  Strange offers were nothing new to
her; in fact, her reputation attracted all kinds of unusual jobs.
Unusual...but difficult enough that almost no one could do them.  Then
there were the celebrity gigs, where just having a famous person present
was the aim.  This was both.

"Now, it is your turn."

Not being able to trace offers back to their source was also not
unusual.  Given some of the shady deals she had been pressed into, it
came as no surprise that some of her sponsors valued their anonymity.
When someone usurped the terminal she was reading, she assumed this was
yet another of the same.

"As payment, I offer your child."

But, every time, she was merely a tool - no more, no less.  She liked it
that way.  This was the first time anyone had offered her something more
than money.

"The portal will open when you read this message."

And, sure enough, a white disc opened next to her.  She glanced at it,
then muttered, "I told you, go to hell."

"Already there.  Are you coming?"

This was just too weird.  Her curiosity piqued, Samus Aran stepped
through the portal.  She got a feeling she would meet this 'Kasumi'
before she was done...

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Jack-kami-sama was in a bad mood.

First, he discovered that Kasumi had allowed the 'godhead', and with it,
the vast majority of divine power, to slip from her possession just
before turning what power she still had over to him.  He was God, but
that did not amount to much.

Then he proposed what would surely be the most controversial event in
known history: open access between Heaven and Hell.  Vile demons now
walked the Holy Beyond, while the purest angels in existence flew
through all nine circles of the Abyss.  Nary a whisper of protest was
heard from anyone, and indeed, the two sides seemed to be getting along
just fine.  He was seriously considering putting back the old barriers
out of spite.

However, he just had to take a look at Hell one last time.  As he
walked, one of the tortured souls broke free of its imprisonment and
rushed up to him.  It looked like a floating green jellyfish, with bone-
white claws instead of tendrils at its bottom, and a cluster of pulsing
red-black balls at its core.  It quickly sat on him and began feeding.
Wondering if perhaps an assault on God would generate some controversy,
he let it happen, even as he felt his energy being drained away.

He forgot that he had instructed Kasumi to make sure none of the normal
traffic came near him; he had wanted to be alone with the souls for a
bit.

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The latest meeting of Magnificent Although Rather Soft and Hollow
Minions and Agents of Life Love and Overall Wellness
(M.A.R.S.H.M.A.L.L.O.W.) had just ended, and the various attendees had
broken off into various groups of friends.  In one corner, Mokona was
being mobbed by fans.  Over in another, Rover sat, dejected and alone,
bearing a lifelong punishment of guilt for signing up to be a guard for
some mad secret society types in that one series.

Near the exit, Jigglypuff was chatting with a friend about 42 and the
true Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, when a portal
opened up and Samus stuck her head through.  Both pink balloon creatures
looked up.

"Hey, friends.  I know this is short notice, but I need your help.
Could you spare a moment to help me take down some bad guys?"

Jigglypuff pondered the question long and hard, taking into account all
of its philosophical ramifications, then mulling over the answer to make
sure it could be proven correct.  "Puff?"

"Ok, in terms you can understand: Jigglypuff, I choose you!"  With no
pokeball at hand, Samus reached out and grabbed the pokemon.  Turning to
Jigglypuff's friend, she added, "And you too."

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

                                 LIVE!
                          FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                         THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
                        IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
                          SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
                            AND IMPROFANFIC!
                            IT'S TIME FOR...

               {     M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R    }
               {   F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N  }
               {               .-----------.            }
               {               | U-L-T-R-A |            }
               {               `-----------'            }
               { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }

                        Omake: To Entice A Shell


"...TEEEAAAM HENTAAAIII!"

Even a crowd as inebriated on excitement as UltraRage's fans could still
recognize a bad pun.  Thus, it was not a surprise when a chorus of
groans greeted the lyrics of "Too Sexy".  Ataru and Happosai took it in
stride, waving to those that cheered them on and leering at the more
attractive part of the audience.  Of course, with the audience
temporarily consisting of the damned, quite a few of those leered at
leered back with equal, and honest, intent.

"For once, they don't seem to be going for random gropes as they make
their way to the ring.  Any idea why, Hiroshi?"

"They're saving their strength, of course!  And they're gonna need it!
One of their challengers is the most legendary bounty hunter in her
galaxy, and the other is known for incapacitating entire cities with her
voice alone!  Introducing...SAMUS ARAN AND JIGGLYPUFF!"

No fanfare blared to introduce the suit of orange battle armor or the
pink balloon-like creature, causing a bit of confusion until the latter
produced a microphone.

"Jigglypuff...Jiggly..."

"Uh-oh!  It looks like Jigglypuff's intent on singing her own entrance!
Everyone, quick, cover your ears!"

"Zzz..."

"Daisuke, I said cover your ears!"

"Zzz..."

Fortunately, the sound of Daisuke's snoring drowned out most of
Jigglypuff's song, long enough for Mario to bound up to the two.

"You know-a the rules.  No knockouts outside-a the ring."

"Puff!"  Jigglypuff inflated a bit, then continued to sing.  "Jiggl..."

Mario produced a needle.

"...ly...PUFF!"  The pokemon ran away as fast as its feet could carry
it.

"I've-a always wanted to do that."

Hiroshi, having moved Daisuke out of his microphone's pickup range,
noted that the staff mages were busily casting Revives into the more
sedate sections of the crowd.  "Samus may have a problem here.  As you
know, Lambda league requires two people on each team.  With her team
mate disqualified, how will Samus compete?"

Samus made a mental note to thank Kasumi for giving her a temporary link
into the UltraDome's internal PA system.  "I thought this might happen,
so I brought a backup.  May I introduce my new partner, Kirby!"

The crowd cheered long and hard as a new pink sphere bounded into the
arena, to the sounds of "Eat It".  Kirby spun and waved, lapping up the
attention, trying to greet the entire UltraDome at once.  He barely even
noticed when he floated down to ringside, landing on one of the corner
poles.  Kirby did not know quite where he was, thus he did not know that
the cheers were actually in anticipation of seeing yet another
annoyingly cute hero shredded.

LAMBDA MATCH: TEAM HENTAI VS. SAMUS AND KIRBY.  FIGHT!

Ataru cast nervous glances towards the opposing duo.  "How're we going
to fight them?  I know I can't punch through the bounty hunter's armor,
and I don't know if the puffball *can* be hurt without some kind of
sharp object."

Happosai was only half-listening.  "Who cares?  Just get Kirby out of
the ring.  Don't you know what's *inside* that armor?"

Ataru sniffed.  "Samus may have the body of a woman, but she doesn't
think of herself as one.  She's more of an 'it'.  If she was sleeping
and we violated her, she wouldn't care enough to even wake up!  There's
nothing *to* violate, except her body."

Happosai sighed.  "You have much to learn, my pupil.  Now watch a master
in action!"  He climbed onto Ataru's head, and from there into the ring.

Only to be immediately inhaled by Kirby.

"WOW!  WHAT AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF...OF..."

"...suction?"

"THANK YOU, DAISUKE!  Hey, Dai, when'd you wake up?"

Ataru sweatdropped, then climbed into the ring.  "Let my master go,
you..."

Kirby swallowed.  His forehead grew a few wrinkles as his ability to
copy whatever he ate kicked in...although this time, more than just
Happosai's power injected itself into Kirby.

Samus noticed Mario doing nothing.  "Shouldn't you be counting?  They
can't both be in the ring for over ten seconds."

Mario spun in place, coming out in his doctor's uniform, and pulled a
poster-sized diagram of Kirby's digestive system from nowhere.  "Your
partner's-a stomach is in a pocket dimension-a.  Technically,
Happosai's-a outta the ring-a."

Daisuke tsked to himself.  Mario was going all out to impress the new
boss, but it was probably a lost cause.  To Daisuke's knowledge, Jack
had let Mario officiate only so he could come up with an official excuse
to fire Mario.  Goku had already been discharged for interfering with
earlier matches - specifically, when he intercepted an energy blast
before it destroyed a populated city (which was a perfectly legal psych-
out tactic, according to the Omega rules in effect at the time).

While Ataru stood in place, wondering whether he dared force open
Kirby's mouth so he could retrieve his master, Kirby leered at Samus and
ran towards her.

"You want me to take the kid out?"  Samus shrugged, and climbed into the
ring.  "Ok..."

Kirby leapt up and glomped Samus's breastplate...only to find nothing to
hold on to.  He slowly slid down her armor.

Samus's armor affirmed that it was, indeed, fully equipped with all the
necessities of life by engaging its hologrammatic sweatdrop projector.

Kirby chased Samus around the ring for the next few seconds while Mario
counted down.

"Four!"

Ataru just stood in place, hoping to win by simply doing nothing, until
Samus rolled into a ball and underneath his shirt.  "Hey! Babe!  Guess I
was wrong about you after all!"  He started feeling his shirt, trying to
catch Samus.

"Three!"

The bounty hunter rolled to his back and burst out the rear of his
shirt, but not before leaving two lumps stuck to his chest right above
his nipples.

"Two!"

Ataru's eyes grew large.  "Whoa, mama!"  He eagerly began feeling
himself up.

"One!"

Kirby leapt onto Ataru, intent on sharing the goods.

"Ze-"

*ka-BLAAAM*

The bombs Samus left on Ataru's chest went off, sending Ataru into one
of the barriers separating the ring from the crowd, and Kirby into the
opposite barrier.  Ataru rolled off, clearly unconscious.  Kirby stuck
in one flat vertical puddle.

Mario bounded into the ring, holding up Samus's gun arm.  "The winners,
Samus and Kirby-a!"

                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"You're sure I can't convince you to stay?"

Samus glared at Kasumi.  "How many times do I have to say it, Kasumi?  I
don't care if you were God.  Bounty hunting is my life, not needlessly
beating up on people.  I agreed to one match in exchange for getting me
here.  I'll find my own way out.  Go to...well, *here*."

Kasumi kept her eyes on the ground, not responding.  She had wanted to
do for Samus what she had for so many others...but the bounty hunter
just would not be redeemed.

Hearing no retort coming, Samus ran off towards the lump in the
distance...an organic mound that was forever burned into her mind.
Stopping just short, she tentatively gave one of the outermost claws a
hug.  "I'm sorry.  I never meant for you to die..."  She gently pulled
the not-jellyfish.  "Come on, let's go home."

After Kasumi watched Samus ride her adopted 'child' away, she turned her
attention to Jack...or what was left of him.  He looked like a sandstone
statue of himself, ready to crumble into dust at the slightest touch.
"Jack-kami-sama?"

Jack coughed.  The color slowly returned to his flesh, and he brought
his hand up to look at it...just in time to see Mr. Duck crumble away.

"Are you alright?"

It is said that, in the hearts of desperate men lies a scream of
ultimate despair.  This scream has rarely been heard on the living world
throughout all of human history, as it requires an event on the
magnitude of one's true love marrying another.

But then, this *was* Hell.

Jack's was Ultimate Scream Of Despair #1,432,547,435,904.

---

Author's Note:

When I first floated the idea of having Samus appear in Ultra, one of
the comments was, to paraphrase, "go to hell".  This was about the time
that the first UltraDome did just that.  I'm not one to ignore
inspiration of that nature.  ^_-

Oh, yes, and the usual fanfic disclaimers (re: copyright, unlimited
distribution, sacrifices to various pagan gods, et cetera and so forth)
apply to this omake, in case there was any doubt.

And as to how Mr. Duck came back after crumbling?  Sore wa, himitsu
desu.  Of course.