Jordan Malokofsky <sirpip@malokofsky.ann-arbor.mi.us> wrote:

	"Yes!  The boy did it!  He learned the Nekoken,"  he laughed, then doubled over

He's not laughing the line of dialog -- just laughing. Therefore this
should be punctuated:

Nekoken."  He laughed, 

as his wounds flared.  "Just have to test Ranma and see how powerful this
technique is.  He surprised me that last time."  He looked around, realizing
something for the first time.  "Where did that son of mine go?"

Try to avoid repeating 'time' if possible.

	Elsewhere in the city, a child raced wild through the streets.  He ran.  Away

>from the pain; away from the betrayal.  His heart and body ached as he put all

his energy into the simple task.  Passerbys blinked as he zoomed across their

passers-by

	A couple walked down the cobbled street, the lady keeping close to the
gentleman on their stroll.  She gave wide berth to any of the people who past

who passed

close to her and kept a kerchief close to her face as if to ward off the smell.
	"Husband, why did we have to come here?  I see no reason to have to wade
through this sea of peasants."
	"The fishermen of our fleet were threatening to strike.  They would only talk
terms if we met them here.  I know you hate having to be here, I do too, but it
was vital to our business."
	"Business, business.  That's all you talk about.  Why can't you ease up a bit
and enjoy the things in life..."

"And why won't you buy me a new dress? What do you *mean,* not enough
money in our account?" :)

	"No!" shouted the gentleman.  "He is feral!  Do not threaten him, but wait for
the authority's arrival."

This line seems a little wooden.

	The child's eye's went wide as he realized all avenue of escape was closed off,

eyes. (eye's = belonging to eye)

	The gentleman recovered from the feint, and everything screamed at his senses
that something was wrong.  Dreadfully wrong.  He looked to the feral child and
noticed the boy staring in shocked horror at his wife.  Slowly, his eyes roved
to her.  In what seemed like an eternity, he saw her head tilt all the way back,
in a way not meant to be.  Long streams of red liquid shot from her neck,
spraying him with a fine mist.

This was the only real problem I had with the story.

It doesn't seem believable to me that Ranma could accidentally kill
someone under these circumstances. I mean, he doesn't seem any more out
of control here than he was back in the first neko-ken story when he
escaped from Gosunkugi's cat trap, and he didn't come close to killing
anyone there or at any other time he was under the influence.

Just my own personal reaction here, take it for what it's worth, and if
it's just me you probably shouldn't worry about it. Dark fics should be
given a wider berth, I suppose.

	"Ranma, I finally found you.  Let's take a look at you," Genma said as he
patted Ranma over looking at his condition.  "Phew, you need a bath, son.  Most

over, looking (or you may wanna use a different word considering that
you already used 'look')

importantly," he looked anxiously into dead eyes, "are you yourself again

Again, he's not looking the line of dialog, just looking, so this isn't
punctuated correctly.

	"it was a good thing... it was a good thing..."

All in all, quite well written -- definitely one of the better things
I've seen on the list in quite a while even if I had a problem with
believability.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html