Leifker presents...

Way of the Cross

A work of Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker

Rurouni Kenshin created by Watsuki Nobuhiro.  All rights reserved.  I ask that
you not do anything with any part of this work without permission.

Warning: MAJOR spoilers.  You have been warned.  

**********************************

Hot blood runs down my cheek, dripping onto the pristine white paper.  The
words they obscure scream at me; in a moment, everything becomes instantly
clear - and, at the same time, as opaque as night.  A strange emotion
crystallizes within me, a low feeling too primal to put into words.

For the first time, I know my master was right.  I was a fool, an idiot too
stupid to see when he was being used.  I thought everything was so clear-cut;
the right side lived, the wrong side died.  After this, things will never be
so clear-cut again.

I... I was almost home - a normal home, just like everyone else had.  I was
almost free of the killing; here in this refuge, I could forget there was a
revolution going on.  I enjoyed the winter we spent here, just the two of us,
a couple in every way save intimacy.  We had built a life here - a life
fabricated by the Ishin Shishi, as artificial as the slogans each side
spouted.

Justice for the people has just ceased to matter.  Justice for what's happened
here has become top priority.

The blade feels heavy in my hands, now; was it so long ago that I couldn't
lift it?  Master taught me the use of the blade, how to use it for what it was
intended.  I thought that was enough, that a blade and a purpose was all that
was needed to make a difference.

It's not enough, anymore.  I need a soul, too.

Killing was harder than I expected, at least while I had a conscience.  I had
to put that ideal self away for awhile, become a tool for the revolution -
just as my master predicted.  Then, once that was done, I could kill easily,
without compunction or remorse.  And kill I did - including, it seems, Tomoe's
first love.

My ideal self is back, now, and for once I don't know who to kill.  All I know
is that someone - Shinsen Gumi, myself, Tomoe - will not live to see the next
dawn.

***

Can you imagine the liberation that comes with letting go of life?  All of a
sudden, that mortality we go to extraordinary lengths to protect is on the
gambler's table, a stroke of someone else's luck away from destruction.  It's
at points like this that we find out just how much our life is worth - how
expensive, and how cheap.

I've let go.  My hands are the steadiest they've ever been, now.  My life is
nothing; if they want it so badly, they can take it.  But I will find out the
truth before I leave.  The gamble is set; all the lives are on the table.  All
that remains is to see who wins.

Tomoe... I never thought that the word would cause me such pain.  They say she
betrayed me, that she betrayed us.  For some reason, my heart says no, even
while my mind flashes back to her diary.  Am I a fool?  Yes.  Am I a fool in
this?  I don't know.

But I will find out.  I will not lose her.  I don't know if what I feel for
her is love; what I do know is that I would die before her.  She is my sheath;
she is what kept my humanity safe all through the long months in Kyoto.  By
sharing in my death, she kept me alive.  Could someone in betrayal commit such
a sacrifice?

I don't know.  I find myself not knowing a lot, nowadays.  I went into this
war with blind innocence; I leave it with blind faith.  There will be no war
for me after tonight, no war save the one still raging inside of me.  

And hopefully, after tonight, Tomoe can sheath my sword, and silence the
screams of battle.

***

The glow of the morning sunrise greets my eyes; even after the hours, my eyes
have yet to recover, blurring the dawn into a hazy glow.  Not that I would
want to see it; I didn't want to see the morning, not after what happened, and
secretly hoped I'd been careless in my struggles.  

She's gone.  She was right; I am covered in blood.  Hers.  I buried her body
where she fell; now as then, I tried to find the best stone for her.  Dust
returns to dust; death returns to death.  

The cold air chills hot tears and hotter blood; even now, I feel the second
cut joining the first, branding forever my status as killer.  There is nothing
left for me; I traded something great for an empty box, and I am left to
gather the ashes of my life inside of it.  

I have no doubts that the new world we dreamed of will come to pass.  But this
sword will not be a part of it.  I can't risk it, not now, not ever.  How can
I?  Every time I unsheath this monster, it takes something dear to me.  My
impetuousness to wield it for the Ishin Shishi ostracized me from my master;
killing for that bright future destroyed any innocence I had left; in trying
to rescue her, I destroyed her instead.

She told me not to cry; that it was... that it was better this way.  How can
it be?  The light of the sun is extinguished; the pale, cold glow of the moon
remains.   Death was my trade, and should have been my lot; I live, but die at
the same time.  She who was life, on the other hand, is gone.

I take a look at the sword.  For the first time in years, it is not a part of
me; rather, it is a parasite, leeching the life from me.  Tomoe saw that, saw
what it was doing to me, and stayed anyway, somehow seeing something worth
preserving behind the cruel force of nature.  I cannot wield it again; it is
disgusting to me.

There is no 'new beginning' to this war.  There will be none for me; there can
be none for Tomoe, or the countless others who watered the streets with their
blood.   And the price of it - the price of the new world I fought for - will 
never live up to the cost of its fruition.  This is the end, now and for all 
time.  The world may come, but it will not be the world I sought.  I buried 
that world last night - and my heart with it.

I don't know if I will be cut down; all I know is that I don't care anymore. 
My reason to fight is gone; I just want it over with.  If death comes, I will
welcome it.  

Because... the dead, unlike the survivors, get the opportunity to forget.

************

Two people I need to thank: Krista, for getting me into this Tomoe arc, and to
Ed, who understands the wish to forget, and for his willingness to pass on
such dark wisdom. 

Nicholas Leifker
nightelf@thekeep.org
http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic
September 14, 1999